I'm disgusted but have no love - anger for blatant disregard to me our baby!!

[skinnylove]

I am getting over and above frustrated here but keeping it all in with the hopes that my son and I will be able to get from under our captor.

 

I've been with my son's Dad since 9/07. We didn't sleep together for almost the first 2 months of our dating. When we did, lo and behold I got pregnant. I have a now 19 year old daughter from my 1st marriage that ended in 97'.

 

I've had 2 serious relationships that each lasted 3 years after my marriage, then 1 rebound that was 6 months that ending me basically falling down hard.

 

I made a decision to not be with anyone and was not for 3 years when I met the (Baby Father = BF), BF. He and I chatted via myspace for about 2 months prior before meeting, even though we only lived 10 minutes apart.

 

He knew how I was directing my new life and what I wanted and didn't want.

 

Bad move on my part - as he is the type of guy who preys on woman by befriending them first and then being what they want until it becomes totally serious to which then, his true self comes out.

 

So, I have always worked and jobs that demand all of me 24/7. When I met BF, I was helping my boss try to save his company from folding which ending up anyway and I helped him shut everything down and prep for BK etc. I was on unemployment during this time and then my boss and I tried to start up the same biz with a new partner. I did not find out I was pregnant until I was 3 months along because I had my regular periods. I did the same thing with my daugher too.

 

Anyway, I thought I miscarried and I didn't - the one Doc was wrong. I went to the ER because of back pain and thought something worse was happening - as I lied there getting an ultrasound - I was telling the tech my little plight and thought I had in fact miscarried. He asked if I wanted the good news or the bad news; as he said it, I looked at the monitor and there was the baby - heartbeat and all.

 

That put the biggest pit in my stomach. One, because - I was a workaholic and didn't want anymore children. Two, my BF and I had been drinking everyday during our relationship and there were 3 incidents where I went nuts - because he was still in contact with x-gf's and denying it - but he is the classic guy that brings home the flowers or is really sketchy and avoiding when he comes home. When I thought I did have an abortion, I did get emotionally out of whack and drank more sadly but humbly admit.

 

I did this because I was beginning to rethink the relationship, I moved in with him to his house, giving up my place I had for almost 2 years, and after I moved out and my place was re-rented, I found out - by snooping - that his house was in foreclosure. He hadn't paid his mortgage in almost a year, (funny thing is, he is a Realtor of 9 years!), anyway, I started stressing and drinking and on unemployment and started to feel trapped.

 

So of course, I felt an abortion would be the right thing to do. The next week I went in and thought I was 13 weeks along as the ER said.

 

I sat in the room to get checked and told about the procedure, that they give you a valium to relax and that your awake the whole time - but hold still and it will be over with in 2 minutes, as long as I hold real still.

 

I went ghost white. As she checked me out, she said sorry we can't do this because you are 14 1/2 weeks, you'll have to go to the valley to get it done.

 

So, I felt numb the 25 minute ride home - unable to grasp this concept. I called the valley center and she told me they were booked out for 3 weeks but by then I'd have to go to East L.A. to get it done.

 

Okay - now I don't know about anyone else - but all this alone, was enough to change my mind - especially have to go to EAST L.A. (Cali), to get an abortion.

 

So I looked online a ivillage.com and got the run down of each week of what the baby would look like, printed it out and got a congrats card for my BF. He told me that he would be there no matter what decision. He has a now 17 year old daughter from his 1st marriage.

 

So we both chose to keep the baby and I got an amazing OB. I was 40 at the time, so they ran all the test - I told them about the drinking too. The OB explained that my rages were hormonal and the drinking would put me over the top - my BF was at every visit and heard every word.

 

So then around this time in March - his Grandma died and owned a beachhouse out right and his Mom told us we could move in there and she'd pay the water, trash, gas, and electric for us thru the trust and to not worry about a thing.

 

Okay, blessed by God again because he was getting evicted in May. He did not tell me about the foreclosure at all. He asked me one day if I would ever want to move to the beach - which I thought odd because the house would be 50 minutes from where we lived now, but my OB was in the same area not even 10 minutes away so it all worked out.

 

Okay where was I? Oh, so all the test came out perfect in every way including my total health. That was an answer to prayer and then we were having a boy - amazing.

 

I felt when I first met this man that he was the one - now I realize he was the one that was to drive me to my breaking point.

 

During all of this time, I was put on total bedrest for 5 months to avoid losing the baby and had a cerclage put in to keep him in there - my daughter was 2 months early, so they didn't want to take a chance since my cervix was half the normal size.

 

So here is me, a total bouncing ball that never stopped for 14 years whether working or out promoting bands at night - I was confined to a bed for 5 months - only allowed to use the bathroom and take a shower - no sex at all either allowed!

 

Everyone who knew me told me it was God's way of slowing me down and getting back to "me".

 

Whatever.

 

I still did this and that - cautiously - because to be dependent on a man just was not my thing and add in that this man was making no money in real estate - later I would come to find out - he hadn't in years and has his retired parents sending him his trust fund money early. He owes the IRS, credit cards, loans and of course a 4500 mortgage on his home from loans he took out against it before my time - to live whatever lifestyle he thought he was.

 

Oh and he is impotent. But told me in the beginning that it takes him awhile to get to know me to get totally hard - I was uh just in awe cause I've never been with a man that ever had this issue. After awhile I thought it was me - seriously. I am the most physical sexual person and people called me a freak (friends did - married ones haha), and I was always called "mynx".

 

I was always complimented and adored but I was not one who wanted to be spoiled - I can buy my own dress was always my line.

 

Guys told me I was too independent and that could be a downfall. Oh well. I am a strong willed girl and honestly, men love me and women hated me - but I didn't do anything to make them hate me except be real.

 

This was the 1st man who never used my name in a convo, never called me a pet name, NEVER complimented me and we never had talks about life or a future. Things just went along.

 

I'm trying to figure out how I was so blind. I cry to myself thinking about it because that has never been who I am.

 

He slowly picked away at me - with mental and emotional anguish.

 

He lied about everything and anything and felt the need to compete with me on the lamest levels and issues.

 

Anyway, we moved to the beachhouse at the end of May last year. I helped get the place in order and to my OCD cleaning and organized level. He really is a white trash guy and I thought his old house was that way cause he was letting it go so I never minded it and would clean up along the way.

 

During this time, our whole time, he has always kept in contact with an ex gf that dumped him without reason about 5 years ago at the same time his step dad died.

 

I am a very intuitive girl and know when something is up and so he gave me his password to his email.

 

Everytime we fought before about his xgf's, he denied it. So I went and did some validating for myself.

 

All of his past emails during those times (he wasn't too smart), were always during the times we fought and then there was more to other women he was talking to on myspace.

 

He was always jealous of me because I had a handful of close band friends and he hated that. I never let him know I slept with a few because well, why?

 

I silently told myself I would be okay and to wash it away. I put a tracer on my cpu at home he used and lo and behold - he still was doing it!

 

The most devastating was when I was in the hospital after giving birth and he was at home - emailing the x again and looking at hot chicks.

 

I found this just in the history that was open when I came home 6 days after being in the hospital. I had to catch up on some accounting for my partner and when I saw this - I went razor numb.

 

I took every breath I had and went to bed. He asked what was wrong - I said nothing and then told him.

 

He started saying he didn't know what I was talking about that he hasn't been in touch with anyone since our agreement in Feb.

 

I told him how could he lie? He said show me. So I did.

 

He was shocked.

 

But you know what? He came back in the bedroom and asked me how could I ruin our first night home together? And why was I snooping on him?

 

I sat there and trust me, it took all of my post partum explosion to stay calm and tell him how he has made me feel and not to dare put this on me.

 

He left the room and came back in and started being all loving.

 

He has never once apologized for anything he has done to me but expected always for me to apologize - even for things that I didn't do.

 

Well, I ended up with sever post partum and started therapy in October 09.

 

I myself, thought having a glass of wine would relax me, then 2. Well, quite the opposite.

 

In the last 11 months - I had about 5 episodes. From being put on meds and seeing a psych and therapist - I've pulled through.

 

Since May I have been 100 % back to my normal self - like the Mom I was to my daughter 19 years ago.

 

I was kept on disability that ended in May too - so it was perfect for me.

 

During the times I had episodes - he never held me - never did anything but make it out worse - that I was an alcoholic and an unfit mom that I was cheating on him.

 

I have been told to move out every time I had a bad time - without our son.

 

I never understood why he has done all of this and still don't

 

I am with the baby 24/7 and he spends about 30 minutes a day with our son.

 

He doesn't get up a nights with him and you can't not hear the baby.

 

He never wipes the baby up after feeding him breakfast so he is always dirty from food all over.

 

Never wipes down the counters or high chair where he ate.

 

He thinks he is going to get the baby every 2 weeks, he asks me when I am going to move but knows I don't have a job (I bought my dad's car for 2 grand with my DIS money, because I was stuck at home without one. My BF said when his mom decides to get a new car - we'll get hers. Okay - his parents hate me now from all of the lies he has created to them - so yeah - not happening. He drives a nice new Expedition - and works 25 minutes away - I mean he sits at his desk and looks for women and pretends to someone else all day.

 

He does buy baby supplies and that is really the one good quality he has - taking care of that although I do it too just as much.

 

So here I sit now - he is still doing the same thing - but now has been on match.com since the end of june - doesn't come home at night until 8 or 9, and tried to lay it on me that he knows I don't want him around - I let him know that he has already moved on with his life and we are just an interference.

 

What am I asking of you for advice?

 

I am able to separate my feelings as his x and the mom of our son. Talk to him only when it's about the baby and ignore him the rest of the time.

 

I can't talk to him at all because he twists everything I say, or takes it al literally. It is so aggravating to keep quiet all the time and walk on egg shells.

 

He has offered once what did I need to move and I let him know - he hasn't responded to me at all. He thinks he has done more for me than any other boyfriend - my mom says - put him on the phone! ha! He has been the only one who has reminded me of everything he has done for me!

 

But like I told my mom, he moved me in knowing he was losing his home and never told me - so he took away my life so how can he try to force me out?

 

I told him he was the one who has done the least. But I am the mom of our son - so why wouldn't he make sure we get into a place?

 

I haven't worked in 2 years or had an income but DIS, he is a realtor so should know these things that no one is going to rent to me!

 

I was in the real estate field for leasing, residential and commercial for 6 years - so I know enough too.

 

His mom has endless money to give to him to help do this - but instead he has paid off his truck and bought a top of the line phone, which made me laugh because he doesn't ever use his voice.

 

So I am feeling hostage here and it is at a point where my xbf who has remained a close family friend (he and my bro are renting a home together), that I may have to turn to him to ask for help -either to stay in one of his home temporarily or something.

 

I am trapped. I have no income now because unemployment screwed up my case and have no money. I don't dare ask him for anything because that comes with too much of a price.

 

I applied for my FAFSA and was approved for a pell grant so I can go back to school - I have to do something slower for now because all of my jobs I did before were for someone who didn't have to worry about a kid - my daughter is living with her dad these last few years which enabled me to work full force.

 

Anyway, I have no respect for this man in anyway. He was given the tools to make this work thru the therapist and psych explaining to him what to expect - he didn't do it.

 

He cries he wants respect etc...but doesn't even give me it ever as the mother of our son.

 

Oh by the way, I am NOT an alcoholic, this deemed by my therapist and psych - but I did learn I am an emotional drinker and NOT allowed to drink during pms or period time - which was the outburst times oddly enough and lasted all of a few hours.

 

He is an alcoholic. My therapist saw us together a few times, and she told me I was right on with my hunch. He "stopped" drinking back in November but drinks endless amounts of O'douls.

 

But I can see the signs - the times he picks on me for nothing or has the shakes or night sweats, I know he's been drinking beer or slipping vodka again.

 

But since he opens a fake beer the minute he walks in the door or is chewing gum - I could never tell.

 

What should I do or how do I deal with this until I escape?

 

I've been copying his bank statements so I know what he is getting from his parents and a regular inheritance too.

 

I am disgusted with him that his concern is to be dating and not spending any time with his son.

 

He starts new relationships before he ends the one he is in and has done this since his first marriage. When I called him on this - he freaked out and somehow came up with a story about my life etc.

 

I want to know how to cope during this time. Family and friends feel so bad for me - they know me and I am strong but right now he has made me feel like the biggest piece of nothing that I've never felt before for his blatant and obvious disregard for me during this whole relationship and now to our 11 month old son.

 

I don't want my son visiting him bc he keeps his home too gross. The dogs are never washed, there is always dog feces outside so our son has never been able to go outside.

 

I grew tired of trying to do it all and know that I had my part to blame - but it was in fact medical related and he tried to say I used that as an excuse - even though the OB, therapist and psych all confirmed my situation.

 

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

I feel bad for our son because he is son inactive with him unless I insitgate the situation. He sits and watches tv all day til he goes to bed. Now that he is dating, although he may be pretending to be, stays out all the time and now for the first time - keeps his car cleaned.

 

I more mad because if he can make a change just to piss me off, he couldve done it to make it work. Even sexually - it just doesn't work and he put that on me too by going out and buying lubes, toys, books etc and making comments like "i got this to help you get in the mood".

 

Wait - okay now I am just going on over things that do not matter at all anymore except being about our son.

 

He can't do it and will use the baby as a tool. He isn't a good parent at all and he knows it - parenting is a privilege not a right.

 

He wants the right and none of the responsibility or privileges.

 

What should I do!!!! thank you

[Els]

I really apologize for not going through more than 50% of it. This question started burning in my mind as I started reading and just became unquenchable after I got through a few lines.

 

You already had a child from a previous failed relationship. Why oh why were you not more careful with this one??? Once bitten twice shy, no? Were you on contraception (and I mean really safe contraception, like pills + condom contraception) and just 0.01% unlucky??