tanbark813 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 My gf and I have been texting a lot over the phone, and got a bit carried away. My bill was quite substantial. "I can't text you so much anymore -- my bill was huge this month" "Really? I have unlimited texts" "Yeah it was like a hundred dollars more. I don't have unlimited." "Oh well you didn't tell me so it's not my fault" "Whoa, chill out, I wasn't blaming you, just saying we shouldn't text so much" I feel like her response to me was overly defensive, and it makes me worry if she's going to be the type to immediately look for a way to divert responsibility or blame. Even though it wasn't her fault, as I did not tell her I was not on unlimited, nor did I hint that there was a previous issue with texting, the fact that she was so quick to say it wasn't her fault even though I had not blamed her for anything really stuck out as a red flag to me. Am I overreacting? I would take that as a minor red flag that she's an argumentative person. However, you should have just popped for unlimited texting. I had this very same problem with my current gf when we initially got together since she prefers to text and I only had, I think, 400 texts per month. Rather than try to regulate or monitor the texting I figured the extra $15 / month to not worry about it at all was worth it. Sometimes you have to just solve the problem yourself and sidestep these kinds of conversations. Womenfolk can be unpredictable.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 WTF??? Man, I am really starting to worry about people. Whatever happened to personal responsibility, keeping things on your side of the street? I don't care what your past experiences are, such a knee-jerk defensive reaction is not cool. Deal with past issues and resolve them before you move into the next relationship and punish your new partner for your old partner's mistakes. This reminds me of a friend of mine who I am learning more and more has weak boundaries and issues. I recently brought up something that had been bothering me about the way she makes plans (changes them at least 5 times, every time), and her response was, "If you don't want to be friends anymore, that's fine." WHAT? This SCREAMS abandonment issues/fear of loss. Whatever her history or experiences, she needs to make peace with that if she wants to have healthy relationships. I reassured her that I want to be friends, that I wouldn't even bother to talk about a problem if I didn't care, but that is really not my responsibility, and a lot of people probably wouldn't even know how to handle such a ridiculous response. I fear that personal responsibility is a dying value. Well, I'm glad that what I said was taken out of context. I'm not saying it makes it OKAY to treat people like that. But I do think it's necessary to open up the door to communicate. If I were with someone that came out of an abusive relationship, I wouldn't feel OKAY with being mistreated, but I'd recognize where the knee-jerk could have come from and TALK to them about it. If it continued to be a problem - meaning they didn't work on it at all or improve - I'd be done with it. I don't think it's irresponsible to recognize that people can be wounded from past relationships - it's called compassion. I think relationships are a place for growth and understanding. I wouldn't feel bad at all if I screwed up ONCE and the guy dumped me - it's called forgiveness. But given what was said above by JustLooking - this is a constant problem with this girl. I wouldn't EXCUSE her behavior - at this point, maybe it IS time to walk.
Author Epsilon Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Problem is, like Ruby said, most of her texts were a bit useless and devoid of content. I don't want to pay $15 extra for the ability to receive MORE useless garbage. I'd rather cut back, save money, and send at least non-useless texts. "Because I can see both sides of it. It did sound a bit like he was blaming her for it. Or maybe my current relationship just has me conditioned to think everything is my fault and I identify with him." I feel like there was absolutely no hint of blame from myself. I wasn't asking her to help pay up or anything. All I said was that I had to cut back because I wasn't on unlimited. If I were unknowingly contributing to a problem, even if it was not my fault, I would still be at least somewhat apologetic. "Oh, I didn't know, I'm sorry for sending so many texts! I'll try to cut back." Instead it felt like she was saying "Sucks to be you, I didn't know, not my problem." She did mention once though that her ex used to blame her for things that weren't her fault. Her sister and mother also displace a lot of blame (their dog recently got a rabies shot and a big lump appeared. It's a common allergic reaction that goes away in a few days, but she was blamed because her family thought the lump meant she wasn't taking care of the dog). Thing is, I can't tell if what she's telling me is true and that she just happens to be a victim of other people dumping blame onto her, making her defensive, or if she is not being truthful and making it sound like everyone's blaming her (even though she may be partially responsible).
Author Epsilon Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Either way this chick is nuts. Run. Can you elaborate? I am curious what other people are perceiving here.
Phateless Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Can you elaborate? I am curious what other people are perceiving here. All of your own observations are true. You feel guilty because you think maybe you are judging her too harshly, but you're not. All of the mini red flags that you've mentioned, all of the warning signs you're not sure about, pay attention to them.
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