Els Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Edit: Yeah, I just recalled that after glancing up, sorry. Strange that with all THAT making him unhappy, he'd post about a single sentence that doesn't mean much in itself, though. It'd be like someone posting about how her husband leaves his dirty socks in bed when he's actually cheating with a woman on the side. =/
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hey, whatever action detaches him from little Paris Hilton over there is a good thing.
patcha Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I actually don't see anything wrong with the response. Sorry. She was just indifferent I suppose. If you didn't have unlimited, you're big enough to tell her from the beginning or limit the texting. *shrugs* You had to have responded to her to have run the bill that high. It's not like she was texting you repeatedly, and you weren't responding. Ok but I don't know your history with this girl. Sounds like from others that she's a bad duckie.
Author Epsilon Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I fully understand I should have mentioned it sooner. My point is her response of trying to remove blame, even when I hadn't blamed her at all whatsoever.
Phateless Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I remember that thread. You dodged a bullet big guy.
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 With all due respect, it's your phone, your bill, your responsibility to manage your money. She didn't know. Why don't you just get an unlimited text plan? It's like $15/month. Agreed. Also, texting is a two-way street, so telling her that engaging in texting WITH HER is bound to make her feel like you're telling her she's at least partially to blame.
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 "Oh well you didn't tell me so it's not my fault" "Whoa, chill out, I wasn't blaming you, just saying we shouldn't text so much" Also, YOUR response was equally defensive. I don't think her comment warranted a "WOAH, chill out!" If there's anything I hate, it's being told to chill out or calm down when I'm not even upset to begin with... ya follow?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Some of you are totally missing the point. She reacted defensively, when he gave her no reason to. He wasn't blaming her. He was just letting her know he was going to have to cut back. He provided FACTS. She responded in a bitchy and defensive way, for no reason.
385 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 It sounds like that convo was via text. Was it? I'm about to have the same problem as the OP but instead of running out of texts, I'm running out of minutes. Have to figure out a way to break it to my SO without making her feel bad for calling me, since I do like to talk to her.
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Wow, it's a rocket science day.... Important relationship issues should be dealt with in the flesh, like eyeball to eyeball. I've flown across the country to do such things. The care with which you handle such issues and the importance you assign to them says volumes about who you are. If the OP's girl was/is a jerkette, as apparently is being deduced, he should simply break up with her in person and go his own way. Over, done, sayanora..
D-Lish Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I understand that it's my bill and everything, it's her REACTION that set me off. Like her first line of defense was to immediately look for a way to push blame away from herself. Maybe she felt you were "blaming" her for your bill and that's why she reacted that way. She might also think you might be blowing her off by complaining about the amount of texts. Have a face to face- it's easier. Translation can get lost when you communicate via texts.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Wow, it's a rocket science day.... Apparently so! Epsilon, you keep looking for signs that she's a fiscal user, no matter how irrelevant the comments. She's never had to support herself, so money is meaningless to her. I don't know two people who are as ill-suited as the two of you. Add in that she's 17 years old, so will be age-related immature, naive and inexperienced and you have a match made most def. not in Heaven! Move on.
patcha Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Maybe she felt you were "blaming" her for your bill and that's why she reacted that way. She might also think you might be blowing her off by complaining about the amount of texts. Have a face to face- it's easier. Translation can get lost when you communicate via texts. COMPLETELY agree!
JustLooking123 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Context is everything. This one conversation, on its own, would not have been a big deal, if she otherwise was supportive, calm, rational, etc. But we know that this is one example of a pattern of behavior. You did the right thing by dumping her!
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Uh, no. I wouldn't go to immediate red flag. What's her relationship history like? If she has previously been with somebody that was emotionally abusive and/or blamed her for things out of her control, it's possible her reaction came from her past. If it bothers you that much, sit down and talk to her and find out where it came from. Let her know you'd like to have open and honest communication, but find it difficult if the defenses are going to come up so quickly. I really wouldn't get my panties in a bunch over this unless it becomes a chronic problem. I mean, good heavens. It was just the one time, right? Or have there been other instances? If there have been other instances, have you talked to her about it? This could be an exercise in understanding and communication - give it a shot.
JustLooking123 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Uh, no. I wouldn't go to immediate red flag. What's her relationship history like? If she has previously been with somebody that was emotionally abusive and/or blamed her for things out of her control, it's possible her reaction came from her past. If it bothers you that much, sit down and talk to her and find out where it came from. Let her know you'd like to have open and honest communication, but find it difficult if the defenses are going to come up so quickly. I really wouldn't get my panties in a bunch over this unless it becomes a chronic problem. I mean, good heavens. It was just the one time, right? Or have there been other instances? If there have been other instances, have you talked to her about it? This could be an exercise in understanding and communication - give it a shot. But in this case, it IS a chronic problem...one of several chronic problems. Read his other thread, and even some posts within this thread. I think he did the right thing. I agree with you that context is everything, like I said in my post.
Author Epsilon Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Some of you are totally missing the point. She reacted defensively, when he gave her no reason to. He wasn't blaming her. He was just letting her know he was going to have to cut back. He provided FACTS. She responded in a bitchy and defensive way, for no reason. This. I just felt like her response had been way too rude and defensive. Instead of a response that was more appropriate to the nature of the situation (cutting back on texts), she immediately looked for a way to remove blame from herself.
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 she immediately looked for a way to remove blame from herself. Glad you experienced this at a young age and recognize it. You will meet many more people in life (men and women) who are like this. Now you know what to do
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 If she has previously been with somebody that was emotionally abusive and/or blamed her for things out of her control, it's possible her reaction came from her past. WTF??? Man, I am really starting to worry about people. Whatever happened to personal responsibility, keeping things on your side of the street? I don't care what your past experiences are, such a knee-jerk defensive reaction is not cool. Deal with past issues and resolve them before you move into the next relationship and punish your new partner for your old partner's mistakes. This reminds me of a friend of mine who I am learning more and more has weak boundaries and issues. I recently brought up something that had been bothering me about the way she makes plans (changes them at least 5 times, every time), and her response was, "If you don't want to be friends anymore, that's fine." WHAT? This SCREAMS abandonment issues/fear of loss. Whatever her history or experiences, she needs to make peace with that if she wants to have healthy relationships. I reassured her that I want to be friends, that I wouldn't even bother to talk about a problem if I didn't care, but that is really not my responsibility, and a lot of people probably wouldn't even know how to handle such a ridiculous response. I fear that personal responsibility is a dying value.
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 ...she immediately looked for a way to remove blame from herself. But, didn't you immediately remove blame from her too?
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 In another thread, I asked the OP about fear. His response: My biggest fear about being alone is that my shyness will overcome me and I'll be unable to form new relationships. It's SO hard for me to initiate contact with a woman. Everything's great once that hurdle is over, but meeting new people is a challenge for me. This psychology is driving the dynamic. Even if/when he stands up and asserts a boundary, this underlying fear is there. It permeates all the interactions. I know this fear, though mine was a bit different. Essentially, if he takes an aggressive stance, not only will this GF disappear, but karma will look at him and send NO further women his way. Of course, we all know that's not true, but it resides within his mind. It drives him.
Phateless Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 WTF??? Man, I am really starting to worry about people. Whatever happened to personal responsibility, keeping things on your side of the street? I don't care what your past experiences are, such a knee-jerk defensive reaction is not cool. Deal with past issues and resolve them before you move into the next relationship and punish your new partner for your old partner's mistakes. This reminds me of a friend of mine who I am learning more and more has weak boundaries and issues. I recently brought up something that had been bothering me about the way she makes plans (changes them at least 5 times, every time), and her response was, "If you don't want to be friends anymore, that's fine." WHAT? This SCREAMS abandonment issues/fear of loss. Whatever her history or experiences, she needs to make peace with that if she wants to have healthy relationships. I reassured her that I want to be friends, that I wouldn't even bother to talk about a problem if I didn't care, but that is really not my responsibility, and a lot of people probably wouldn't even know how to handle such a ridiculous response. I fear that personal responsibility is a dying value. Completely agree! I am so sick of people who expect others to manage their emotions for them.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 ^ Given that you agree, I'm confused as to why you ignored the root problem in your original response: With all due respect, it's your phone, your bill, your responsibility to manage your money. She didn't know. Why don't you just get an unlimited text plan? It's like $15/month. The OP's complaint was legitimate, and had nothing to do with his text plan. Incidentally, I'm willing to bet, especially given how lame this girl sounds, that 75% of the texts were meaningless, anyway. Why pay the cell phone company an extra $60-120 a year for something that has no real value?
Phateless Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 ^ Given that you agree, I'm confused as to why you ignored the root problem in your original response: The OP's complaint was legitimate, and had nothing to do with his text plan. Incidentally, I'm willing to bet, especially given how lame this girl sounds, that 75% of the texts were meaningless, anyway. Why pay the cell phone company an extra $60-120 a year for something that has no real value? Because I can see both sides of it. It did sound a bit like he was blaming her for it. Or maybe my current relationship just has me conditioned to think everything is my fault and I identify with him.
kizik Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 maybe my current relationship just has me conditioned to think everything is my fault and I identify with him. Doesn't sound like much of one, homie. But then again, misery loves company. It's a scary world out there on your own!
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