The Gryphon Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I must hurry, as I have to pick my kids up at art camp. I will be as spot-on as I can! My hubby and I separated two years ago for a whole year. It was because he'd become a drunk, was violent, hateful, mean... You know how alcoholics are. He had started out being one of the kindest, gentlest, most respectful guys I'd ever met. Well, I left him. During this year apart, he called the kids (three of them) once every few months or so. Sent no money. We had actually filed for divorce and were ready to pursue it in court. It was kind of hard, as we were in different states, and far away from each other. One night, out of the blue, he called. You can imagine what he had to say. He was sorry, he knew he had a drug/alcohol problem, blah, blah, blah... He promised to get treatment, to do whatever he had to. Eventually, after visiting and trying to get reacquainted, he moved into our house. He has been there for 8 months now. He went to therapy and meetings for a while. He eventually stopped going, altogether. He's "too busy" with work and all. He has kept it mostly together, however, I have caught him with pills from the doc he knows he shouldn't have. I have counted the pills, and found that he takes WAY too many of them. He has stolen meds from me while I was at work... He also has a money problem. The past month or so, he has overdrawn our account many times. I discovered yesterday that he has been calling in for his unemployment, which he should have stopped doing MONTHS ago when he found a local job. He told me that he did it to "save" us, since he knew that the account was negative. (He had overdrawn us Big Time, as they say, and failed to alert me to this. He let me go to town to buy groceries and find it out there!) I came home furious, confronted him, and he said, "Don't worry, we'll have money day after tomorrow." I asked HOW we would have money day after tomorrow, and that's when he told me that he called his unemployment in. I suspect that he's done this all along. I am terrified. I don't want to be involved in ANY of his capers. I thought that he had decided to mature a little. I am so very disappointed, and am upset with myself for letting him back into our lives. I have only succeeded in upsetting the kids, whereas they could have already moved on and dealt with having divorced parents. I let him come back, and now I must ask him to leave again. I don't know what else to do. Stealing meds from me (which I need!), poor money management, FRAUD!!! How can I live with a man like this? I guess I just held onto the idea of the man I'd married eleven years ago. I think that man is gone. For good. I don't know. I'm not making much sense - I'm in a hurry - I haven't said all that is relevant... I am just so upset and mortified. I DID, however, go take my name off his account today and opened my own. He is at work now. I will go to my brother's house with the kids to try to make sense of all of this. Oh, and he's also getting very hateful again. For seemingly no reason. Yells at the kids all the time. He acts as if they're thorns in his side. My god, what have I done? I don't know what I seek here. Perhaps just to vent, perhaps advice, I'm not sure. But I must fly to get the kids now. Thanks for listening. I shall reveal more later if anyone asks or is interested.
LisaUk Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Of course, everyone here is here to listen and try and help, they are all great, I don't know what I would have done without them. Have you told your husband how you feel about his behaviour? Have you asked him to go to marriage counselling?
Author The Gryphon Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Oh, my, yes. Before I left him the last time, I begged him to go to counseling with me, and to go on his own for his drug/alcohol problems. He refused, so I left. When I agreed to work on a reconciliation, he promised to do all of those things, and he was clean for a while. He has made minimal efforts to seek therapy, has relapsed quite a few times, and now is driving us into the poor house. (We were already halfway into the poor house, anyway!) I have been working very hard at finishing my degree, seeing my own therapist, all that stuff, and it's all one-sided, it appears. He has done nothing. A few days ago, he overdrew our account, didn't tell me, and when I found out, confronted him. He feigned innocence. I noticed later that he had taken my debit card out of my purse. I asked why, and he said that he just "wanted to check it out". The next evening as he slept, I looked in his wallet and found that one hour after we had discussed the overdraft, he had gone to withdraw $250 on an already overdrawn account. I also saw that he had already spent $140 of it in ONE DAY. I pay all the bills in the house, so I know it was spent on something unnecessary, frivolous, or just plain downright illegal and wrong! He only had a receipt for $23 in his wallet for that day that could even be described as "legitimate". I have said nothing yet. I work in the evening, and he works in the day hours, so we haven't crossed paths yet. Also, I am keeping strict tabs on how much money I find in his wallet, receipts, gas in his tank, etc... I am curious to see what he does next. He was paid by direct deposit this morning, and I was tempted to just take the debit card out of his wallet so he couldn't spend any more. (He still had a little money in his wallet, and it was more than enough for him to get through the day.) But I left it there so that I can see how much he takes out of the bank. He should be ashamed! Our twins' birthday is in a couple of weeks, and we are not rich people. I need to make some birthday purchases for them, and he is spending so much money, I will have nothing left after paying the bills. I have rattled on and on. I am like a geyser spewing forth a nonsensical mixture of rage, shock, dismay, embarrassment (for being stupid enough to think that he could change), so on and so forth... I hope it's clear enough that you can make some sense of it. Thanks for your reply.
Sufferin_Succotash Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I am like a geyser spewing forth a nonsensical mixture of rage, shock, dismay, embarrassment (for being stupid enough to think that he could change), so on and so forth... Gryphon, This site is exactly for that purpose. Spew. Evacuate all that you can. I believe you will find it extremely therapeutic to do so. IMO it sounds like you are doing all that you can; putting forth every effort. I commend you for this. You are seeing someone to help better yourself emotionally, working on a degree, taking care of a family, and being open with your feelings and needs with your H. GOOD LORD!! What else could anyone ask for in a partner! I know this may mean nothing to you right now, but you shouldn't be embarrassed about hoping and believing in something. People change all the time. Read through the threads on this site and you can actually see the changes happening. Sadly though, it doesn't sound like you H is putting forth any effort at all. There in lies a problem. In order for a "true" change to occur, he has to make to change happen. He has to WANT it. IMO it sounds like he is just another child for you to take care of (may as well up that tally to 4 kids). You said that you left before. So obviously you have the strength and fortitude to make and follow through with such a difficult decision. What is stopping you from doing it again? Take back ownership of your life. I know there are other people on this site who are more eloquent then I, but I couldn't sit and say nothing. Sooner or later they will chime in too. In the meantime, keep posting your feelings and thoughts. Let it out. SS
LisaUk Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Yes this site is for you to get it out, so go ahead! Have a look for threads by Cinnamon I think there is one in the next couple of pages called "feeling a little down today". Her H was alcholic, she has alreday decided to leave him, but is unable to do so physically because of finances. Since she has told him of her decision he has gone to AA and is totally clean, it really does sound like it was the shock needed for him to seek treatment for hid adiction. Unfortunately, I think she has already decided she doesn't want to try again. In your case though, perhaps all is not lost yet. Keep talking to him, tell him you can no longer live with his drug/alcohol abuse that the spending has to stop and he has to commit to detox or you are out of there.(If you think that's what you want). You may find when yu follow thourgh, this will be enough for him to really get himself sorted out. It seems it is often the way, people don't know what they got till it's gone. Then it will be up to you to decide if you want to try and resolve your marriage.
Author The Gryphon Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Well, it's Friday now, and he is home from work. I will not have to leave the house until 3:30. This is the first day since I discovered all of his irresponsible spending that I will have any time to speak to him. He went somewhere to get some tool or something, so I thought I would jump on here and ask this. How do I confront him? In the past when I've done this, I think I came across as too angry or something. He just gets defensive and acts as if I have no right whatsoever to act angry with him after he's committed some heinous act! Then, after I've finally said all I have to say, he turns the whole episode into some pity party for himself. When caught stealing pills from me, or getting them from the dr. and taking WAY too many, he sobs and says how much his back hurts and he doesn't know what else to do. He's ridiculous. If he can afford all this money on illegal substances, I would think he could afford a trip to a legitimate doctor. But of course, I know that these are mere excuses for his obvious addiction. I guess I just want to come across as calm and collected. I want to be mature and discuss this and tell him I want to finalize the divorce and that I want him to leave. He turns me into a banshee, though!!! I shouldn't let him. He makes me so angry because his actions are so extremely ridiculous for a man with three kids, and he sits there trying to justify them and make me feel guilty for confronting him. Like, it should be okay for him to lie and steal money out of our bank account. I just cannot let myself be overtaken by him. I WILL NOT become a banshee today! When I stoop to his level, we get nothing accomplished. I must remain in control of my voice and feelings, etc... That's right, isn't it? I am not perfect, either, I know this. I have a quick temper which doesn't help me. I may wait to hear from you guys and perhaps talk to him tonight or tomorrow. I want to make sure I'm taking the correct steps. Thank you, all of you for your help. For just listening. You are right, I think that just writing all of this down is helping. The Gryphon
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