Parenting the child of divorce

[CarolynG]

If I could give you one parenting tip for raising your child of divorce, it would be this: Don't feel like you need to fill them in on any of the gory details of your divorce with their other parent. Trust me. Even if they ask they don't really want to know. While it is perfectly acceptable to say something like 'we didn't love each other anymore', or 'we were unhappy together', your child doesn't want to sit and listen while you recount being cheated on or not feeling loved.

 

My father has done this with me and I really resent him for it. It felt like he wanted some validation from me for the divorce and I had to tell him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't coming. Like he wanted me to chime in saying 'yeah! Mom's filthy whore!'. Of course it wasn't happening and I hated him for making me feel like I loved him less for not doing it.

 

So that's it for now. My tip of the moment. But it's a big one. Maybe even the biggest. Because no matter how old your little child of divorce gets, all they really want to feel from you is that you are happy they have a good relationship with your ex. Even as adults we don't want to know the dirty little secrets. Think of your own parents. Would you?

[Eve]

I sort of agree with the statements that you have made but would add that if explanations are needed that these should be age appropriate. For example, our boys already knew what type of person thier mother is and essentially knew from an early age that she cannot put them first. Although we did not intentionally bad mouth her, the situations she created had to be dealt with in an open and honest way. If not the children could have developed a 'false self' in not being able to openly talk about what was really happening.

 

I speak as a stepmother to two now handsome, cultured young men who could have been total psychos from the messed up things their mother exposed them to. Stupid bitch.

 

In total I would say that the most important thing is for the natural parent to spend time alone with their child and limit any sense of competition with other siblings, step siblings and new partner.

 

Take care,

Eve xx