pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Ack. I don't know why I'm feeling so anxious this past week about J. Now I feel like I have unintentionally become needy and chasing after him, cases in point: -I tried to make plans with him on friday, he was sick. -I invited him out to join me and my friends for drinks on saturday night. No text back. -I just now emailed him asking him if he wanted to check out this exhibit with me. No reply...yet. Before this, he was instigating probably 85% of our dates. My friends tell me I ate too cool and unaffected with guys, and said I need to show more interest, so i guess this is my way of doing that. Being more assertive. But now I feel anxious that I'm appearing too needy. Opinions?
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Ack! Yes, yes, yes... you are defintely now chasing him. Ask once, and leave it there. Don't ask again... and again, particularly if he doesn't even bother responding to you. Pull back - WAY back. Make him initiate the next contact, and if/when he does, do NOT respond immediately back. Make yourself busy so that you can't even see his response right away. Don't play hard to get, BE hard to get.
Author pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I actually AM hard to get. I'm always busy and out of town! All my plans this weekend were made independently of him. Is this fixable?
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 It's fixable... just pull WAY back. Do not initiate... become mysterious once again. Chasing/asking out a guy really only becomes comfortable/expected once you're actually in an established relationship.
Thaddeus Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 There's every possibility that he may still be sick. That was only 3 days ago, and depending if it's something like food poisoning, that can take upwards of 4 or 5 days to clear. (Been there, done that. No fun. First, you're afraid you're gonna die, then you become afraid you're not gonna die...) I'd be careful about pulling way back though. I don't buy this whole "mysterious" thing. To me it just says to him that you weren't really interested in the first place. I would, however, let him know that when he's feeling better again that he can contact you, preferably by phone.
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I'd be careful about pulling way back though. I don't buy this whole "mysterious" thing. To me it just says to him that you weren't really interested in the first place. I would, however, let him know that when he's feeling better again that he can contact you, preferably by phone. He didn't even bother responding to her in any fashion on Saturday. How hard is it to return a text? C'mon. She's now asked him out three times, and he only responded to one with a no... the other two times he remained silent. She should NOT intiate contact again.
Author pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 He didn't even bother responding to her in any fashion on Saturday. How hard is it to return a text? C'mon. She's now asked him out three times, and he only responded to one with a no... the other two times he remained silent. She should NOT intiate contact again. OK, well he just wrote back. He said (i'm paraphrasing): "That exhibition sounds great! What time are you going? I'm busy this afternoon, but if you go later, let me know." So, that's a good sign, right? How do I play this card.
Thaddeus Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I know what you mean and I'm not unsympathetic, but the wild card is still whether he's sick or not. We don't know, yet suddenly there's this assumption being made that he's stringing her along. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. We just don't know. I just hate to see negative assumptions made here when the reason for his silence may be illness. And, by the way, being "hard to get" is hardly an attractive quality. "Chase me" games are for children. Relationships are for adults. Edit to add: I was typing when the note above was posted. This is not a card to be played. (Why must this always be some sort of power-struggle/game? Gawd sakes...) If you go to the exhibition, let him know. Simple as that.
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I just hate to see negative assumptions made here when the reason for his silence may be illness. I haven't made any negative assumptions about him, only PG's behavior. She is, in fact, now in a position where she's chasing him. The only way for HER to regain her confidence and self-control in this situation is to stop contacting him, and see what he does next. That said, I still don't think being sick is reason enough to ignore someone... particularly someone you've been on 10-12 dates with, as PG has with this guy. And, by the way, being "hard to get" is hardly an attractive quality. "Chase me" games are for children. Relationships are for adults. I didn't say she should play a game. I didn't say she should PLAY hard to get. I said she should BE hard to get. There's a big, big difference.
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 OK, well he just wrote back. He said (i'm paraphrasing): "That exhibition sounds great! What time are you going? I'm busy this afternoon, but if you go later, let me know." So, that's a good sign, right? How do I play this card. Oh yay! I just saw this. Yes, that's a good sign. There's no "card to be played" here. Just tell him to meet you at X time at X place. If he shows up, that's an even better sign. If he doesn't, you'll deal with it when it happens. Have fun, PG!!!
Author pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Thanks! I just need to calm down. I just checked my calendar. I think i'm PMSing. haha. I hate hormones!
zicke Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Sorry, I think his response was not a yes, it was more of a "yeah, maybe, let me know if you are going anyways and I might show up' A definite yes, sounds like a definite yes. His response was more of a "meh" I would be irked about the no response to SAT thing.
Author pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Sorry, I think his response was not a yes, it was more of a "yeah, maybe, let me know if you are going anyways and I might show up' A definite yes, sounds like a definite yes. His response was more of a "meh" I would be irked about the no response to SAT thing. what he said exactly was: "sounds great! i'm busy this afternoon. what time are you going? maybe if you go way late... if not another time. would love to check it out." i feel like that is a positive response? also, my text to him on saturday read: "i am going out later, if you feel up for it, you should join us." which as my friend pointed out, wasn't a very enthusiastic invite.
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I don't know why, after 10 dates, you two are still playing games. Have you told him you like him yet? Has he told you? I know he thinks he's Mr. Pimp, but all this sick business and unavailability would really get on my nerves.
Author pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I don't know why, after 10 dates, you two are still playing games. Have you told him you like him yet? Has he told you? I know he thinks he's Mr. Pimp, but all this sick business and unavailability would really get on my nerves. No, i haven't told him I like him and neither has he, but I don't think these things need to be verbalized necessarily. I don't think we are playing games...? I just don't think we've established what our relationship is.
Thaddeus Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 also, my text to him on saturday read: "i am going out later, if you feel up for it, you should join us." which as my friend pointed out, wasn't a very enthusiastic invite.Actually, I think that's an excellent invite. It does two things: Tells him that you'd like him to accompany you, BUTThat you also have a life outside of him. Nothing at all wrong with that invitation. No, i haven't told him I like him and neither has he, but I don't think these things need to be verbalized necessarily.Wrong, wrong, wrong. They very much DO have to be verbalized. He cannot read your mind, you cannot read his. Communicate, my friend, communicate!
Author pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Well, I ain't saying it first! I know that seems like playing games, but so it goes.
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 They very much DO have to be verbalized. He cannot read your mind, you cannot read his. Communicate, my friend, communicate! Totally agreed. I made a point of telling recent girl that I like her, b/c I wanted there to be NO confusion about that fact. "You're cute, and I like you. What you got to say about that?" Yes, you make yourself vulnerable, but only then can you see what he says. And what he says will be a BIG indicator of where this little thing is going.
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Well, I ain't saying it first! I know that seems like playing games, but so it goes. Ugh. You sound like you're twelve.
Author pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Ugh. You sound like you're twelve. I'm not verbally open with ANYONE. I like to show people I like them through my actions. That says more, methinks.
Thaddeus Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Well, I ain't saying it first! I know that seems like playing games, but so it goes. Yes, it is a game. And you know what game-playing will attract? Game players! So if you want a relationship with a game-player, then congratulations, because that's what you're going to get. If, however, you choose to actually take responsibility for your happiness rather than play games with others' hearts, then you might end up with someone who will see you for YOU, rather than some sort of prize to be won for playing a game. Choice, as always, is yours. *edit to add* Didn't see this until after I made this post. I'm not verbally open with ANYONE. I like to show people I like them through my actions. That says more, methinks.That may work for you, but it may not work for him. I'll repeat it: He cannot read your mind. He may not perceive the actions in the way you want them perceived. Us guys, generally, are not very good at picking up hints and subtle cues. We're generally much more direct, and appreciate directness and clarity in return.
carhill Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 "sounds great! i'm busy this afternoon. what time are you going? maybe if you go way late... if not another time. would love to check it out." pandagirl picks up phone and dials man's number and says "I was thinking early this evening. What time would you like to pick me up?" I'm feeling cheeky (that's my version of PMS'ing ) today....
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I'm not verbally open with ANYONE. I like to show people I like them through my actions. That says more, methinks. You need to find a balance. YES, we all know that actions speak louder than words. Are the two mutually exclusive? I hope not. To me this sounds like justification for simply being unemotional and/or having poor communication skills. The longer you go in this R without saying ANYTHING to the guy about how you feel about him, the longer you'll be in BS limbo where you have NO information, you just drift day-to-day with uncertainty about "what" you two are. If that emotional rollercoaster works for you - enjoy!
Author pandagirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I agree with what you guys are saying. I DO need to be a better communicator. I just feel like it's too early to discuss the status of our "relationship."
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 If 10 dates (or, as I believe you said once, 6 weeks) is too early to say, "I like you," then I don't know what amount of time you could possibly be waiting for. At this rate, it'll be years until he buys you flowers...
Recommended Posts