imakemistakes Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Who in their sane mind would date me? I am a narcissistic, vain, pretencious, self-loathing, self-effacing, self-hating mess of melancholy and regret. The regret is what kills me. Every ****ing day I wake up in a state of despair. I **** up every single relationship I get. I feel trapped after a while and think there are better things I could do. I once turned down sex with a girlfriend to study... I didn't even have a ****ing exam coming up. What the **** happened to me? I'm young. I'm successful. I'm superficially attractive. The core is repulsive. Women are idiots, falling in love with me only to discover that I'm unhappy with whatever I have. The grass is always greener. I always need to do better. It's a miserable existence never being happy with what you have. After they leave, I miss them. How ****ed up is that. Never ****ing happy. I'm a liar. I lie out of habit, I just don't feel the need to justify explaining things to people so I lie. Instead of saying I spent the whole day in City X to accomplish Task Y, I will simply say, "Oh, you know, I stayed home all day" JUST TO NOT ****ING WASTE MY BREATH EXPLAINING. I KEEP making mistakes and bad choices. I make calculated decisions that end up making me miserable and unhappy, my behaviour led to the dissolution of the love between me and a girl. I can never get that back, now she is with someone else. I have ETERNALLY ****ed myself. I can never get her back, I can never make things right again. How will I ever be happy if I know I've lost something that is irreplaceable. I am a ****ing idiot. Trust me, as much as you hate me, I hate myself 100,000 times over. ****, if I was a woman, I wouldn't even date me. How do I fix myself?
Author imakemistakes Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Fuck., and as I age, women will be increasingly taken and used. The ones still available will grow bitter and disenheartened, thus taking their feminist rage out on me (although I will invariably do something to deserve it). Fuck.
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hi, I'm kind of surprised no one's responded to this yet, because it's utterly compelling. You KNOW you're a narcissist, so that's a start. Points to you for admitting something most narcissists won't. Now what you can do is start reading up on your "kind". The site that helped me to recognize the evil I was dealing with: http://www.narcissists-suck.blogspot.com This can help you by reflecting your own destructive tendencies back at you, which will hopefully facilitate change within you. Good luck.
chocolate_nap Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Relationships are not band-aids. Also, it's ok to be alone.
Author imakemistakes Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Thank you guys for your advice. But I don't know HOW to change. How does one change their very core?
385 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Thank you guys for your advice. But I don't know HOW to change. How does one change their very core? One step at a time yo. You can't change everything at once, it's too hard. Focus on one thing that you think needs to be changed, change that, then move on to the next. It'll take a while.
CD111 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Well at least you can admit all those things about yourself. That is a start; however, now you need to do something about them. Obviously if you are not happy with yourself, a relationship will be hard to maintain. While you think that your girlfriends are not good enough for you I also think that you feel like you are not good enough for yourself. Fixing all of your issues will take lots of work and it will also mean you will really really need to look deep down inside yourself and figure out why you act the way you do. What has compelled you to act the way you do? Your actions are driven by something and many times they are formed through events in the past. I don't know anything about you and I am NOT a psychologist. However, I know help is avaliable if your REALLY want to begin dealing with the issues.
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 How does one change their very core? Cutting out the alcohol would help
Bayern Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 You know everything wrong, just make a concerted effort to fix it. Maybe think a little harder about why it is you do some things to get to the root. Like someone mentioned earlier taking some alone time isn't a horrible thing.
Author imakemistakes Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Being alone isn't what I need right now. I need to escape this misery.
Author imakemistakes Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Cutting out the alcohol would help What makes you think I'm an alcoholic?
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 What makes you think I'm an alcoholic? Didn't say you were. Seen plenty of drunk posts on LS. Yours looked like one. My advice still stands. It will help
13arkansas Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Okay Patrick Bateman Maybe you have depression and self loathing is how it manifests itself. I'd get on the meds if that is the case and a lot of this fog will clear pronto. Why don't you stay single a while? Nothing wrong in that...and there's nothing wrong in studying instead of seeing a girl, there's nothing wrong in giving a quick account of your day simply because you can't be bothered to give the full explanation (ok, it's a bit lazy but so what!).... Don't drik or take drugs when you feel down, whatever you do as you'#ll feel 1000 times worse.
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Cutting would help There, fixed that for you.
lucy9216 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Are you my ex? LOL.... You should definatley seek some professional help to get you through this, so you can be happier.
Author imakemistakes Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Are you my ex? LOL.... You should definatley seek some professional help to get you through this, so you can be happier. Possibly. Are you a turnip?
saira Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 wow.. thats intense if u need to change the person you are.. personally i never though its possible as we are who we are.. i reckon you feel the you are right now because u have reached a mid life crisis stage in your life and what most people tend to do is blame them selves.. is it just ur love life or there more aspects of your life that are not working. if it affects more than just your love life, perhaps good if u changed jobs, picked up doing activities you like... u know do a complete overhaul of ur life... its worked on people i know however, if its wholly just ur love life and meeting a great gal thats up to you. you know the problem, work with ur self and maybe start by loving yourself.. take time out from trying to date and date your self.. once you love your self then the rest will follow - keep us updated
Author imakemistakes Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 wow.. thats intense if u need to change the person you are.. personally i never though its possible as we are who we are.. i reckon you feel the you are right now because u have reached a mid life crisis stage in your life and what most people tend to do is blame them selves.. is it just ur love life or there more aspects of your life that are not working. if it affects more than just your love life, perhaps good if u changed jobs, picked up doing activities you like... u know do a complete overhaul of ur life... its worked on people i know however, if its wholly just ur love life and meeting a great gal thats up to you. you know the problem, work with ur self and maybe start by loving yourself.. take time out from trying to date and date your self.. once you love your self then the rest will follow - keep us updated Day 157 of my misery. I woke up and realised I ****ed my life up. Again. Day 158... I woke up and regretted my decisions. Day 159... I woke up and lamented my stupidity all day.
paddington bear Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 just replied to your other post. You sound like someone I once fell for. The lying the lack of commitment, the grass is always greener until I finally too, had enough. Thing is, we all react to others, people sense when others are lying or are pulling away from them, well before the actual lies are caught and the actual behaviour is seen. I'm guessing when you've been with women you claim to have loved you've maybe been there in presence, but not in spirit. So, as you know yourself, your own behaviour is repelling others and then you end up alone, again. You need to ask yourself why exactly do you do the things you do? Fear? Fear of commitment, feeling stifled, trapped? Fear of someone falling for you and then seeing the real you (I mean the real, real you, not the face you show to the world) and not liking what she sees? So you mess things up before she gets a chance to see the 'monster' that you think you are and that way you're safe? Could it be the lying, and simply not feeling that bothered about communicating with a woman you supposedly love is that you were simply not that interested in them in the first place? That your interest only gets piqued when they leave you? That only when they are gone do you allow yourself to feel real feelings, and feeling real feelings makes you feel alive somehow, even though it hurts like hell, at least it's not normal life where you feel nothing much. Are you addicted to some kind of emotional pain? Sounds like, because you are doing this to yourself and getting the same result over and over, so you must want the same result. Question is: WHY? You basically insulted yourself repeatedly in your original post here. If you accused a friend of the things you've accused yourself of, you think they'd still like you? Nope. You don't even like yourself. How can anyone else like or even love you, if you loathe yourself? I'm thinking that deep down you believe that you deserve to be left broken-hearted, that you do not deserve love, so you unconsciously make that happen and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Go, get therapy. It really helps. Sometimes it just takes one little phrase or one question to make you think in another way and then your whole way of thinking and whole world opens up.
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