Tanya848 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 1/2 years- and I'm starting to wonder whether I made the right decision. We had a roller coaster relationship...our highs were uncomparable, but are lows were the worst. We come from completely different backgrounds, have different goals and just seem to lack common ground. When I met him, he was ambitious, smart, confident and we were completely in love. He was my #1 priority, and I was never his- his family, friends and money always seemed to be the front runners. He stopped working, not really looking for jobs...saw me once a week because he was busy playing poker. There were just a lot of problems that surfaced..and I found that my feelings were changing, and I just wasn't happy the way that i used to be.... During the time that things were going wrong with my boyfriend, I met a fellow co-worker. He was smart, attractive, probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met and put me up on a pedistool. Over time we became closer, and after my bf and I split up he asked me out. I spent a lot of time with him post-breakup. He's fantastic....he treats me like gold, isn't jealous like the other one was and trusts me without question. We never made anything official, and he left to travel on business for a month...I figured this would be a good time to sit down and really think about what it was that I needed, go out with the girls and give myself some much needed space. I also thought I was completley over my ex, so never really thought that he would even be a factor.... This past weekend, I went out with my gf's...they took me out because I had a death in the family and said I needed a night out. I got really drunk, ended up kissing a stranger which is DEFINITELY not like me. Then afterwards I left, called my ex boyfriend (I can't even remember why) and he asked to meet up with me. When I was with him, I felt so comfortable....and I wanted to kiss him, and he ended up kissing me...I pulled away not feeling right about it. Then I guess I fell asleep while we were hanging out because I woke up the next morning at his place (nothing happened). I know he's not over me, he still loves me. I'm just really confused with my behaviour...usually I'm very rational and don't make weird decisions like this. What am I doing?? I have a fantastic new guy who I'm completely attracted to, and can't wait until he gets back. At the same time, what would make me phone my ex when it's been 2 months and I rarely felt the urge to speak to him? Am I just lonely without my new guy??? I'm not sure if I was just looking for comfort...to his credit my ex has always been there for me, and he's a wonderful guy...we just don't fit. I'd really appreciate any feedback you could give me......
Author Tanya848 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I should mention that it's not strange to see him- we are working on being friends if its even possible. We were best friends beforehand and we want to see if we can try. I'm worried about misleading him as well...
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I'm worried about misleading him as well... Calling him then spending the night at his place is doing exactly that. You also said your "new" guy isn't a jealous person. I wonder how he'd feel knowing you stayed at your ex's place for the night? Do you ever feel like you want to work things out with your ex? Has he made any changes to the reasons you broke it off with him?
Author Tanya848 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 He phone me that night...And I agreed to meet with him. As I said, we were trying to be friends. There was no intent on our parts to kiss, or for me to stay the night- should clarify that. The new guy that I'm seeing told me that he thinks I should have time on my own to figure out what it is that I want...which is why we also never made things official. But you're right, I'm sure he wouldn't be happy about that...It was a drunken error on my part and I feel like maybe I was just lonely and upset about the death in my family...That my ex was always a source of comfort to me and that's where I went. I tried very hard in our relationship to make things work...I put him above everything, and I spent many nights crying...and really not understanding why he never wanted to spend time with me or why he didn't trust me or why he was constantly so jealous all the time. I could never go anywhere without having to tell him where I was, who I was with and then I would be grilled for it...It was a fairly controlling relationship. I would have loved nothing for it to work out, but I think I always knew deep down that we wouldn't... He hasn't made any changes...he always talks about making them but never does. I think I just got tired of waiting around, and being upset and hurt all the time. It's really difficult to let him go after all this time- it makes me sad to think that someone who played such a part in my life may not be there........ He was my best friend. I think knowing that I hurt him, and knowing how close we were makes feel horribly guilty....and I can't stand the company that he keeps so I'm worried about the things he'd do if I wasn't around.
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I tried very hard in our relationship to make things work...I put him above everything, and I spent many nights crying...and really not understanding why he never wanted to spend time with me or why he didn't trust me or why he was constantly so jealous all the time. I could never go anywhere without having to tell him where I was, who I was with and then I would be grilled for it...It was a fairly controlling relationship. I would have loved nothing for it to work out, but I think I always knew deep down that we wouldn't... . Ok..the reason I asked those questions is, there were alot of things alike in my breakeup aswell. The only thing was she left me when I was just getting my life back in order. I myself didn't have jealousy issues until the end,but rightfully so, as they came true. Did you try and talk with your ex about your issues(job,spending time,ect..) with him before you started getting emotionaly attached to this new guy before the breakup?
Author Tanya848 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Ok..the reason I asked those questions is, there were alot of things alike in my breakeup aswell. The only thing was she left me when I was just getting my life back in order. I myself didn't have jealousy issues until the end,but rightfully so, as they came true. Did you try and talk with your ex about your issues(job,spending time,ect..) with him before you started getting emotionaly attached to this new guy before the breakup? We had talked about it in passing...actually, he had mentione his lack of motivation, and other problems constantly. I sat and listened a lot of the time and tried to support him. I had thought it was just a phase...but it's turned into a 2 year phase. Ie. he finished school 2 years ago, and hasn't looked for any work...Poker was supposed to be temporary but hosting these games have turned into a 3/7 day a week affair. For example, he missed our anniversary...almost my birthday last year... I never really brought it up as a significant issue until about 2 weeks before we broke up. We never had an easy time talking things through...likely because I avoid conflict at all costs and he thrives in it. I should have brought up the topic earlier...but I suppose that's not really relevant now. As far as the new guy goes, there was always an attraction...I guess truthfully, once we started to like eachother more my relationship with my ex fell apart. I felt lonely, unimportant and taken for granted for a long time. This is the first time in my life where I've been put first, and I've felt beautiful, important and respected. Actually, all my friends and family have commented on happy I've looked for the past month......... I just don't understand my behavior on the weekend. I think I'll always love my ex, but it's not the same kind of love. I do wish things could have happened differently.....but realistically I know I'm not doing myself any favors by staying with him either. Maybe I have feelings for two people....This is extremely confusing to me. I am trying to figure out where I lost my ability to see rationally......
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Maybe I have feelings for two people....This is extremely confusing to me. I am trying to figure out where I lost my ability to see rationally...... I think you did what most girls do(no offense ladies!). You found someone else before you completely let go of your past relastionship. The imfamous REBOUND! How can you expect to see things clearly when you've got this big fog in your views way? Also, not saying your new guys not a great guy but, in the begining of EVERY relationship there's the honeymoon phase, it's new and everyones on their best behaviour. I think you should take a step back from ALL relationships for a bit and clear your head.
Author Tanya848 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 That's what I was afraid of....And no offense taken. When I'm with the new guy, and when he's in town I don't think about my ex. But now that my new guy has been gone for a couple weeks and won't be back for a few more, I guess my ex popped into my head...... Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.
carhill Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You haven't resolved your prior relationship. 'New guy' is pretty mature here. Learn from him. He'd probably be smart to proactively drop you if he's interested in a serious relationship, as you are not material for that right now. Live alone away from contact with your ex for a year and maybe you'll be ready. My instinct is there is no way you'll do that. I have a feeling new guy thinks like I do. Good luck
Recommended Posts