how can you tell

[banser123]

Hi everyone.

I posted before in the section friends to lovers titled "need thoughts I am hurting". I know my situation is very complicated and I am still confused and hurting.

My question is: how can you tell if a girl has feelings for you but is just scared because of past situations that effected them alot or if they just got tired of you or used you and never cared for you like you thought they did?

I know this might be complicated. I had a close friend and coworker who really enjoyed my company and wanted to spend time with me sooo much it was such a great feeling for me. She told me she was attracted to me and even asked me to date. Now she just says hello and goodbye at work and hasnt called me to see how I was doing. If you have time please read my initial post because this situation is kind of different. I sort of feel like she still has feelings but is embarrassed of her situation but I would like other peoples opinions.

Here is my initial post, it is long but I would really appreciate feedback Thanks

(((I am hoping for some advice. My story is a little complicated and long, please be patient, I really am hurting and need help. To try to briefly summarize, I was really good friends with a girl I work with. We became very close over 4 years at work and people at work called us husband and wife. We went to lunch everyday together. We are both single. I have no kids, she has 2. As close as we were it was only during work. For some reason we never hung out or even talked or texted after work. I really liked her but wasnt sure how she felt and being that we worked together I figured I would let it be.

 

One night I got a text from her at midnight. She said she had a sitter for the night and her friend stood her up and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. I was extremely happy. We went for drinks and she told me after I dropped her off that she really had a great time and we should do it more often. For the next month we started hanging ot more often, sometimes alone and sometimes with her kids. I knew I had to tell her how I felt but was nervous. Then one day she shocked me and told me she wanted more than friendship. We spoke about it for a few hours on the phone then agreed we would date. We both agreed that we would not tell the people at work because we wanted to see how thins went. Things were great. She texted me so much calling me honey and baby and saying she was thinking of me all the time and was glad I was in her life. I thought she was crazy about me and I felt the same. She did tell me she was scared and insecure but told me to be patient and it would pay off.

After about 6 weeks she told me that she didnt want to date me anymore and cut me off. She didnt want to give me false hopes and she felt no chemistry. She said I was too nice and it turned her off a little. But it didnt make any sense because she told me at first that she really liked those qualities from me. I was shocked and confused and hurt badly. Things at work were so akward, we didnt talk anymore and people started making assumptions. She moved from her apartment into her friends brothers place. Once again, things at work were horrible and uncomfortable.

 

After 3 months of not talking she called me one day and we agreed to talk. She apologized and told me it was because she was very scared. She feels as tho I will get tired of her in the future and break her heart and she cant take that. We had a nice talk and agreed to be friends with the intentions of getting back to dating. For the next few months we spent a lot of time together. We met for coffee after work everday and I was helping her find another apartment. She found one 3 blocks from mine. She moved in and I picked her up every morning dropped off her kids to school, 2 different schools then went to work. After work I drove her to the daycare to pick up the kids and drove them all home. One of her kids has a disability and needs to be carried. I carried him up 2 flights of stairs every day twice a day. After a few weeks she started telling me that she was scared again and had no feelings. I was upset but she didnt cut me off and just before valentines day she said she wanted to date again. But she made me promise I would not hurt her, which I did. We dated for about 2 months and things seemed good. She was depressed about other things, one of her kids has a disability and that was effecting her. I was always there to hold her when she cried and wipe away her tears and console her. She told me she wanted me in her life. But she also felt ashamed of her situation. Then one day out of the blue she broke up with me agian. She said she hoped her feelings would get stronger but they didnt, but she didnt explain why. She said we didnt have a future together. I was so good to her. I did so much for her, too much to write.

 

The one thing is that this girl has had a very bad past. No family, parents left her and are drud addicts, the father of her kids is a jerk who doesnt bother with them or pay as much as he should. She didnt have too many friends. But I admired her because she carried herself so good. She is educated, has a god job and is very polite and shy. I feel as tho she could of went down stream and gave up but carried herself good for what she is dealing with.

I am very depressed and hurting. I know it sounds complicated and people tell me to forget her because she is no good. But I know her and her situation and I feel for her and understand. I want her back but I want her to feel more comfortable about herself and me being with her. She never used me for money or anything like that and there was not any other men involved. She said she wanted to be alone for a while.I tried to talk but she didnt want to at first, then we met briefly but she was firm. I cant understand how at first she was crazy about me now she cuts me off. I didnt do anything wrong. It has been 3 and a half weeks now and she hasnt even called or texted me. She hasnt been at work since we broke up because she took a leave of absence to take care of her son. She is supposed to come back tomorrow.

Please help me. I cant get her out of my mind and I want things to be better, even if it means being friends again at first. I hope she has feelngs for me and is just scared rather than her just using me for help and lying to me. It was so special at first and I cant believe what has happened.

Please help. Thanks )))

[LAZORSareeverywhere]

Wow tough break man

Ever hear the saying "never lie down with a woman who has more troubles than yourself"?

 

From what you've said it doesn't really seem clear where she's coming from, I can understand why you are confused. Usually I'd be tempted to say "drop her like a rock, she's messing you around" but it seems like she does have geniune, tough problems.

 

There seems to be a reccuring theme of "no chemistry" and weak feelings here.

This would be my best GUESS at the situation.

She recognised you as a reliable, kind guy and knew that you're the kind of person both her and her kids needed. She probally really really wanted to feel the love between you both, but it just wasn't to be. She stayed with you hoping that the feelings would appear and that she would be able to spend the rest of her life with this kind, caring guy, happily. But the feelings never showed up and she let you go due to the guilt.

The ONLY other explanation I can think of (and I'm much less confident in this one) is that she's scared, of either hurting you, herself, her kids or anything of the like.

 

Either way my advice to you would be to sit down with her and have a chat about everything. Get some of the questions you have answered (but let her know that it's not chatting about getting back together or anything like that, it's just you sorting your head out, we dont want her to feel under any pressure lol). And then you'll be in a better informed position with a better idea of what to do.

 

Just remember, you shouldn't wait around for her forever because she has problems

[banser123]

thank you. Its funny you mention it but the second option you mentioned about her being scared makes me think a lot. She did tell me numerous times that she was scared. Scared that I would get tired of her and she didnt want to get hurt or her kids get hurt too. She even told me once that she was terrified because she couldnt deal with another broken heart. She is very shy and worries a lot and I know she does have serious problems to deal with so i can understand her being scared. I just dont understand why she will not talk to me about it. She just tells me there is no future then runs. Doesnt answer anyones calls and ignores me.

Now we say Hello at least but I am still feeling like there is someting more to this than her not having feelings. I could be wrong but all the things she said and did when we first started dating would make anyone think she was in love with me, she even initiated the kissing and intimacy, then came back for more, so how could she not have feelings?? Im sorry im just confused

[banser123]

also, I was told that the reason her feelings were diminished was because she was scared and she has to leave her guard up to protect from pain and this in turn doesnt let her enjoy and appreciate the good things. I just hope I can get an answer from her because things are really akward at work right now

[boogieboy]

I dont think she will answer any of your questions if you try to pry. Its obvious she is ridiculously unstable.

 

I say sit back, relax, and if she calls she calls. If she doesnt, she doesnt. Whatever is going thru her head you will not get it out if she thinks you are waiting there to get it out. She is not calling you because she doesnt want to hear from you for whatever reason, but unless you can pinpoint that particular misunderstanding she has, dont bother.

 

On the other hand, there has been alot of behavior like this on this board, with them giving all kinds of lame excuses, and it is usually because the dumper is trying to date someone else and is having problems telling you that its over.

 

But really, if she told you that you were too nice, but she initially liked those qualities in you, it sounds to me like she dates a certain type of guy, and she was trying you out, but she didnt like it.

 

Let her go back and date the knuckleheads shes used to dating, she is too much problems and shes too confused, and she isnt attracted to you anymore anyway. Leave her be.