dxb Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Ok, I've been through my story on here a bit, but here's the final rehash of it in search of some validation. I was going out with this girl for 2 years and she was my first love. I didn't always treat her right but she stuck with me. More recently, she began to have doubts about the relationship. She became more withdrawn, didn't really spend much time with me anymore and just seemed generally unhappy. She then said she was going to a slumber party so she wouldn't be back one night. I wasn't happy with this and to my shame, I checked her messages and found one from one of her friends which suggested that she certainly wouldn't be planning on 'slumbering', so to speak. She came back earlier than she'd planned (ie. she didn't stay out all night, she was back by the early evening). So when she got back, I challenged her over it (not outright) and didn't get a very convincing answer so I ended it and walked out. What then followed was a week of me trying NC but her constantly badgering me through email which I had to respond to. From this, she claimed that there wasn't anyone else. I wasn't convinced. Then the weekend after we broke up, I went to a party and ended up hooking up with another girl - nothing too major, we didn't have sex. Then I got more stuff from my ex which started to sound more convincing. I love her, I didn't want to lose her really. So we met up, she seemed to be more honest with me and - yep, sex with the ex. Then we laid down some ground rules about being more honest with each other in our relationships. She insisted nothing had happened during the whole slumber party thing but that 3 weeks ago she'd been at a party and given a guy her number. She said she felt stupid and she'd done it because she felt insecure and wanted the attention. I don't think I need to explain that when you're at a party, it doesn't work like a guy walks up to you, asks your number and then magically walks away. Let's face it, there's touching involved. Obviously this upset me but I wasn't going to get mad. And then she started asking me about what I'd been up to in our week apart. I was taking the view that what either of us did when we were single that week wasn't any of each other's business. Unfortunately, she disagreed, flipped out over the fact I'd spent the night with another girl (although not having sex), got incredibly cross that I hadn't told her and now huzzah, I'm on my own again. I was single at the time, and I was honest with my ex-girlfriend about what had happened. So am I a b**stard, bearing in mind that I also know during this week apart she was making arrangements to see other guys?
broken_promises Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I think it is so easy when things are crumbling to focus on every thing that you should have done differently. I know that is what I did with the last couple of months of my relationship. I think the ex that I am now two weeks broken up from struggled with that sort of thing too. We were both distancing really quickly and I know he kept things from me and I kept things from him about who we were talking to and what we were already thinking/doing to extract ourselves from the relationship. My thoughts on your situation is probably not what you want to hear but... if both of you (on break or not) are semi-cheating with the flirting, getting numbers, making out with other people, I feel like it says a lot about the state of your relationship and that maybe it is already broken? In my first long-term relationship (not the one above), my bf and I broke up after 3 years. During our break, he messed around with at least one woman (and probably more.) I found out about it. And then we got back together after a couple of weeks, it was something that I never really let go. We tried to make things work but, the reality was, he was not wanting to be tied down. So, I wasted another 3-1/2 years of my life with someone who would repeatedly cheat on me. Believe me, if I could go back and get those years of my life back and stay broken up, I would. It just sounds like if it is that easy for both of you to seek attention/solace/interest from other people, there are already cracks in your relationship. It is not that you did anything wrong while you were on a break from her and, yes, you were right to tell her... but it just sounds like you both will harbor resentment going forward in trying to give your relationship another chance.
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