earner Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hey Guys, Firstly congratulations on an excellent site there is some great advice on here and it has really helped me through my break up. Basically my gf broke up with me 9 weeks ago (I am 28 she is 23) after being together for 18 months, it came as a total shock to me, I knew things were not going great but I just see it as a rough patch. Anyway her excuses were 'She needs to find herself' 'She doesn’t know who she is a person' 'She needs to love herself before she can love anyone else' etc. Since then we have had minimal contact (last spoke 3 weeks ago) and I have been doing really good with the NC and then last Tuesday she calls me! I haven’t called back yet and am still wondering whether to call her/text back or ignore it ? The thing is she was on holiday for a week and got back late Monday night so then she calls me the day after she is back – So now I think does she call cause she misses me and was thinking about me on her holiday or did she just want a friendly chat to tell me about her holiday ?! I am just really curious as to what she would have wanted and really want to call and speak to her but am worried that hearing her voice will set me back – I still love this girl and miss her like crazy Any advice on what to do ? Thanks!
door-mat Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 The decision ultimatly lies with you, if you cant handle talking with her and feel there will be a set back then ignore the call, although if you love her and there could be a chance of you getting back togther then she could be waiting for your call and ignoring it may only make things worse. also at some point you are going to speak to her o possibly see her so maybe calling her back is better done sooner rather than later. good luck
joseffrost Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Sounds similar to my situation - but at least in your case it's her doing the calling and not you! I agree with most people on here that No Contact is the way to go. I've gone that route now and it's the only way I have managed to stop spending every waking hour being upset, but if you want her back and she's contacting you, take the chance. At the very worst she will say she had a great time and sure, that may set you back, but if you don't know then you'll just end up playing it over in your mind and that won't help either. Try to look at it from her perspective. If she has had time to reflect and thinks she may have made a mistake, then you not answering calls isn't going to convince her otherwise.
Author earner Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Thanks Door-mat, I think I have made the decision to call her tonight, keep it short and light and dont mention the relationship and ask if she wants to meet for a drink. Although it may set me back I will never know unless I ask her, if she doesnt want to meet then at least I can move on knowing that I tried. Thanks again
Author earner Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Thanks Joseffrost, I completely agree with everything you have said and I have been doing well with the NC and have come a long in the few past months although now that she has called I find myself thinking about her all the time again. Im just gonna take a chance, make the phonecall tonight and ask if she wants to meet up. I just wanna know why she called and hopefully after tonight I will find out why. You say it sounds simillar to your situation - did your ex give similar reasons for leaving ??
dxb Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Keep it short and light. Here's why: Anyway her excuses were 'She needs to find herself' 'She doesn’t know who she is a person' 'She needs to love herself before she can love anyone else' The thing is she was on holiday for a week Alarm bells, mate. People aren't themselves on holiday and I'm not being funny but I'd be very cautious that she has 'found herself' on holiday in a way that works out good for you. I would get in touch just in case but the minute it sounds like it's going to go south you need to get out of there ASAP.
boogieboy Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 She might have called becasue she misses talking to you, but that doesnt mean she wants to get back with you. Dont give what she misses if you dont get what you want. Alot of girls call you to get an ego boost, because they know you will pickup when you want them back. This might or might not be the case. DO NOT call her. Wait for her to call again. She will. Usually when this situation happens,and the woman gives lame excuses like "I need to find myself" its just her trying to make it easier on you, when in fact shes making it harder. When a woman loses love for you, they usually dont get it back, ever. You did good by going NC with her, but did she leave a message saying what she wanted? Because usually when girls call like that its just to avoid feeling guilt over breaking it off with you, and to try to friend zone you. She wants to keep it friendly with you, and if you dont talk about the relationship, she'll think its ok that she is stringing you along, and also it helps her get over you faster. This is what they do. Dont let her do that. So if you ask her for a drink, make sure you say straight up that you will ONLY be talking about the relationship, and if she still hems and haws about that, you say "then we cant talk now, let me know if you change your mind" and you hang up. Dont let her put you in the friend zone. Its either all or nothing. You understand? You really shouldnt meet with her, but if you do, you see if she wants to try again, if she doesnt, meeting over.
joseffrost Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You say it sounds simillar to your situation - did your ex give similar reasons for leaving ?? Exactly the same reasons - though we were planning on moving in together in Sept, so perhaps it is understandable that she wasn't sure of what she wanted. Good luck with the call, I know it's hard and risky, but I usually find that in these situations, you have to take the odd risk. If she truly cares about you, then she will understand that it's not an easy thing for you do.
Author earner Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Some good points BoogieBoy ! I know that many girls often call their exs for an ego boost, to ease their guilt, to remain friendly etc and I understand that this could well be what she is doing. She didnt leave a message and it has now been almost a week and I havent heard anything else - surely if she changed her mind she will fight for me and contact me again. Like you say there is NO WAY I am going into the friend zone ! I am now in two minds about whether or not to call ! You are right though if I do ask to meet up I need to make it clear that we are going to talk about trying again and are not going out just as mates cause that isnt gonna happen
boogieboy Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Some good points BoogieBoy ! I know that many girls often call their exs for an ego boost, to ease their guilt, to remain friendly etc and I understand that this could well be what she is doing. She didnt leave a message and it has now been almost a week and I havent heard anything else - surely if she changed her mind she will fight for me and contact me again. Like you say there is NO WAY I am going into the friend zone ! I am now in two minds about whether or not to call ! You are right though if I do ask to meet up I need to make it clear that we are going to talk about trying again and are not going out just as mates cause that isnt gonna happen BTW you dont ask her for a meetup, she should ask you. But dont call her back until she leaves a message, or offeres a date. Actually I found some better advise as to how to handle any calls to her. Im a little apprehensive about you telling her you will only get together to talk about the relationship...this advise says the best way to go is to let her bring it up, but theres other things to go around it...read these. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1601011&postcount=101 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=882016&postcount=2
Author earner Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Thanks boogieboy, 2 good posts there. If there was to be any meet/phonecall i think its best to wait for her to bring up anything to do with the relationship. But I am now having serious doubts about calling her as I know that it will set me back even further. At the end of the day if she is doubting her decision and having second thoughts then surely she will contact me again to let me know but you know how it is im up and down today so will probably change my mind in an hour aaaahhh bloody women !!!
Author earner Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I just had a text from her ! 'Can you call me if possible please...x' HELP !!
boogieboy Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Nope, dont call her, at some point the has to tell you why she wants to talk. Dont give in yet. Remember, she isnt necessarily wanting to get back with you, you just took away her support to get over you, and its driving her nuts.
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I disagree with boogieboy here. She called and she followed up. I think you can follow-up and keep it lighthearted. The hard-core approach suggested by boogieboy just seems meanspirited and could turnoff any person with good intentions. We do not know her intentions now, but I do think it is fair to follow-up now since she called originally a week ago. As long as you are prepared for all possbilities and very self-aware, it makes sense. People on here are hardcore but when you have an ex contact you two times, you should follow-up. A text msg after a call is equivalent to a vm. Why would you want to intentionally piss her off now. I would take it at face value now. Many people have been burned by the exes on this forum and oftentimes this can sometimes rid approaches of a little commonsense. Just my 2 cents. It sounds likd the last poster is advocating punishment - perhaps b/c of projection from his own experience etc.
boogieboy Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I disagree with boogieboy here. She called and she followed up. I think you can follow-up and keep it lighthearted. The hard-core approach suggested by boogieboy just seems meanspirited and could turnoff any person with good intentions. We do not know her intentions now, but I do think it is fair to follow-up now since she called originally a week ago. As long as you are prepared for all possbilities and very self-aware, it makes sense. People on here are hardcore but when you have an ex contact you two times, you should follow-up. A text msg after a call is equivalent to a vm. Why would you want to intentionally piss her off now. I would take it at face value now. Many people have been burned by the exes on this forum and oftentimes this can sometimes rid approaches of a little commonsense. Just my 2 cents. It sounds likd the last poster is advocating punishment - perhaps b/c of projection from his own experience etc. Ok, then lets talk about your experience. Lets see what you have to back up your suggestion. Whens the last time you broke up with a guy, you were out of love with him, you knew he was devastated, and when you kept calling him to see how he was, your intention was to try again? After the guy didnt take your calls for a week?
CaliGuy Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Some good points BoogieBoy ! I know that many girls often call their exs for an ego boost, to ease their guilt, to remain friendly etc and I understand that this could well be what she is doing. She didnt leave a message and it has now been almost a week and I havent heard anything else - surely if she changed her mind she will fight for me and contact me again. Like you say there is NO WAY I am going into the friend zone ! I am now in two minds about whether or not to call ! You are right though if I do ask to meet up I need to make it clear that we are going to talk about trying again and are not going out just as mates cause that isnt gonna happen DO NOT CALL HER! NO NO NO! She called and did not leave a VM. That means she was FISHING for some validation from you. That was last Tuesday and she hasn't called or email since then. She didn't leave a VM so it wasn't important. Stick to your guns. If it's important, she will call and leave a VM. Or she'll show up at your door. What she is doing is simply validating herself. The minute you call her, you will hand over your "nads" to her on a silver platter. If you want to keep any power, DO NOT CALL HER BACK. Let her "Wonder" what you are up to instead of removing all doubt.
SRTtoZ Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I agree...if you really want to salvage some of what you have, give in and give her a call...Dont fall head over heels for her though in the convo. Be short, be happy and excited about your "new" life and all that...
CaliGuy Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I just had a text from her ! 'Can you call me if possible please...x' HELP !! Text her back politely and say "What do you need?" Don't call her. MAKE her call you.
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Ok, then lets talk about your experience. Lets see what you have to back up your suggestion. Whens the last time you broke up with a guy, you were out of love with him, you knew he was devastated, and when you kept calling him to see how he was, your intention was to try again? After the guy didnt take your calls for a week? I cannot speak to this woman's intention. When I have broken up with a guy in the past - 2 scenarios: 1) he treated me so badly that I broke up wtih him the day before he was going to traveling overseas for awhile. I had just come out of a week in the hospital without even flowers for him (he was not in state till after I came out). Anyway I was very glad to be rid of him and def did not call him many times or at all after that - though he did contact me several times. 2) I broke up with a guy before this and I didn't follow up to try to call him. He did follow-up with me. I did speak when he contacted me. I would not persist in contacting a guy without some intention or at least to do a post-mortem and allow for a q&a period. So no I have never persistently called a guy when I told them it is over. I do not know this gal's intentions, but if the OP knows the full possibilities and is self-aware - I see nothing wrong with following up with someone who has contacted him twice with no reciprocation from him.
boogieboy Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Text her back politely and say "What do you need?" Don't call her. MAKE her call you. i dont know if hee should Cali, we know what the most likely answer to that will be which is, "I just wanted to see how you were" She still isnt showing that she is thinking about the two of them. She called his brother only to see how his health was, not to say she wanted to talk about their relationship. Now we all know many women wouldnt come right out and say that, but she would give some sort of hint...she still doesnt sound like its anything more than validation yet.
boogieboy Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I see nothing wrong with following up with someone who has contacted him twice with no reciprocation from him. If you do this, you'd never admit it, but if you havent done this, you wouldnt understand why this happens. Whats wrong is there is a constant scenario on this board of women breaking up with men, and constantly calling them after the breakup, not to reconcile, but for validation. They want to know that the guy is still after them for an ego boost, they want to know he hasnt moved on, meanwhile the guy doesnt know whats going on. The woman knows she will never want to try again with the guy, but she wants to keep him on a string, and at the same time, it helps her get over him faster. She wants keep him from moving on. This is why she is so desperate to talk to him, she wants to know what hes doing, and if hes moved on from her yet. Its killing her to know that he doesnt need her. If she wanted to try again, she would say so at some point. Not only that, if he answers he goes back to square 1 because nothing gets done. It could set his healing back.
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Text her back politely and say "What do you need?" Don't call her. MAKE her call you. I agree with Cali. Send the "what do you need". That's how I use to feel out my ex's intentions. If she does respond back with the classic's: "just checking on you", "wanted to see how you are", "haven't talked to you in a while",or the most selfish of all "just thinking of you"( I hate that one!)ect.. DO NOT RESPOND BACK!
evaG Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I agree. Do not call unless she leaves a reason for you to call her. She could be missing the closeness you guys had and still wishes for it, but does not want to be together with you. That is completely unfair to you. You are not her crying pillow. QUESTION: When is it acceptable to break the NC rule? When your ex contacts you about wanting to speak about the relationship? Most guys I know will never admit to that. What if they ask you to coffee and "catch up" (not too soon since the break up, say within two months). I'm so confused. Ugh. I hate it when exes contact me with the "I was strolling down memory lane and I thought of you" messages. It's like, uh, f you, your loss. Go masturbate.
Author earner Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Thanks for the replies people, So yeah I called her and basically she was just calling for a chat and to see how I am we spoke for about 40 mins - I laid my cards on the table and said look if you want to try again and take things slow and work things out i would love to do that but shes just not interested - she said yeah i would love to do that but its not fair on me as in a few months time she may break up with again for the fact that she hasnt got this "thing" out of her system yet and she needs to be alone to sort her head out ! I feel lke **** again and feel lke I have gone back a month I should never have called. But then she is saying maybe we can meet up next for a drink ?!
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Given your call and your ages, I will advise that you keep away and do NC indefinitely. You are 29 and she is 23 and appear to be in very differently places in your life. Most 23 year old are not thinking of marriage etc. and I am guessing you are? If so I would shoot for 25+. Try to move on with the NC though because when I read what she said, it confirms that there is a difference as far as places in life and maturity.
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