bewildered1 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hey all, Been out of a committed relationship for over a year now, and enjoying being single and unattached. However, I met this girl who's a real oddity. We're in an internship together for 10 weeks and are on week 7. Since the beginning we were strangers who've become greater friends through time. But recent progressions haven't been ... what I'd say ... "normal territory" for me. A little background on her - she's a few years younger than I and with an overprotective boyfriend back home. We spend tons of time together and share an almost boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of going out eating, watching movies, partying, and generally having fun. But the disturbing thing is that at the end of the night, especially one where she's been partying, she'll come back to my room. We've partaken of shirtless back massages and sleeping together in the same bed. No physical hook-ups outside of that, but this is something that irks me as something that's extremely inappropriate. If I were her boyfriend, I would want to knock my block off, but she keeps it a secret from him and everyone else we know that aren't really friends. Our friends think we're dating and can't keep out of it. Being single and out of a dependent relationship that was very take-take-take on her side, I do not feel like being used again. Does this seem like a boyfriend stand-in situation where she's taking attention and a male body in place of her real bf, or just still in the casual friend territory? She's even gone so far as to propose going on a cruise together at the end of the summer, which she seems pretty dead set on. What do you think? Kick this one to the curb or hang around just being really good friends? thank you for any insight or advice
In_Repair Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 She is away from her boyfriend at the moment and has been for weeks now, so she is no doubt lonely. You, like all affair partners, are simply filling the unmet needs that she currently has. If you aren't happy being the "OM" to this woman - then break it off. When the internship ends and she goes back home, she will probably resume life as it was before you came into the picture. She will be happy and you will be left clutching your broken heart. On the flip-side, she my fall deeply in love with you and kick her old life to the curb just so she can come running to you. But really, what are the chances she is going to do that? This internship has set up the perfect situation for her to explore other men while her boyfriend sits at home waiting on her. It happens all the time, and these setups hardly ever seem to work. Just ONE example: A friend of my ex went on an internship to DC one summer and basically went crazy while she was there. There was even one story where she couldn't remember if she slept with both guys or just one... but upon returning to town, she married her fiance and they now have two children and what seems like a picture book marriage. I doubt she can even remember the names of the guys she dated while she was away at that internship.
carhill Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 OP, I see something really healthy here: Being single and out of a dependent relationship that was very take-take-take on her side, I do not feel like being used again. Does this seem like a boyfriend stand-in situation where she's taking attention and a male body in place of her real bf, or just still in the casual friend territory? You see the reality. Your past relationship has taught you something, something positive about your boundaries. Simply share that with her and watch the reaction. If my experience is any indicator, this vampire will move on to the next tasty subject for a meal. No rancor, no fuss. See, for a woman who has few boundaries, moving from meal to meal is easy. Sexual attraction is the lure. Nice one, isn't it?
Owl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I'd suggest that her boyfriend isn't all that "OVERprotective" if she's engaging in shirtless massages and sleeping over with you. Clearly SHE has poor boundaries...he's got every reason to be seriously concerned...just look at what she's doing with you. It's clearly beyond the bounds of what any reasonable person would expect if they were in a relationship with someone else. It all depends at this point on what YOU want to do from here. Do you want to give this a chance to grow into a full blown relationship? (regardless of what it does to their pre-existing one?) Or would you prefer to get into a relationship with her AFTER/IF she's truly "available" and not in a relationship?
girlwithglasses Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Let me ask you this. If you had a girlfriend who was airing her boobs out in another guy's bed, would you consider them to be just good friends? She is using you as a bed warmer because you are probably the only guy nice enough or desperate enough to let her get away with that foolishness. If you are enjoying the sleeping together and shirtless massages then great. But if you are looking for a girlfriend then don't settle for her. You can do better.
Author bewildered1 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 You see the reality. Your past relationship has taught you something, something positive about your boundaries. Thank you everyone for your input, it really helps. I think this is the best advice I have gotten. I had a feeling I needed to outright reject her from doing b/f-ish things with me and lay down the law. However, I also wanted to see where it went. My last girlfriend (fiance) ended up doing this to me with another guy when she transferred to a farther away school, and it was a terrible experience. It is a little interesting to see it from the other side though. It does disgust me the way a lot of girls operate - taking what they can feed off of anyone who's willing. So hard not to be jaded when I don't see any single girls that don't have glaring character flaws at my age. I guess I'm too old man-ish.
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 So hard not to be jaded when I don't see any single girls that don't have glaring character flaws at my age. I guess I'm too old man-ish. It's not just the single ones. I might suggest something, that being do what you do, what you feel is healthy within your boundaries and accept that the women you meet have their own path. Hopefully, you will encounter one who values your perspective and you hers, but IMO do not lament that potential, rather enjoy the journey
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