BackonTrack2 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Ok Folks, I haven't posted on this forum in a long time, about one month or so. I have been busy with life and obtaining new experiences. To make a long story short, I had my first real relationship at the age of 23. It ended when I turned 25. To make it even shorter, the ex and I began having problems, I ignored them until I was ready to take our relationship to the next level, it turns out she was fawking someone for about 6 months before I found out. Her best friend told on her one day, in her words "Ofcourse they are having sex, she moved on" while ofcourse the girlfriend is upstairs in our err. my new apartment.. In the process of cutting ties, the ex someone managed to reverse the situtaion and blamed me for everything. (my head really becamed messed up.) I spent the next 8 or 9 months depressed, and the past 6 months re-building. She never contacted me once nor have I tried to contact her after the month-long break up process which occured last year. A few months ago, I recieved a phone call from a unknown number and up until this day, I think it was her, I don't know why, I get unkown calls all the time, but that particular one, I feel as if it was her. I did not answer. So thats that, disappointed really, that she never contacted me, then again I don't think I really expected her too. She doesn't have the heart and well me, I shamed myself so I cannot contact her, although I did attempt 2-3 times. Moments of weakness. I have pretty much healed from the hurt, but the memories remain, they confuse me, other times, they brings tears to my eyes. In the end I just brush them off as imagined incidents. I entered a few rebound relationships, about 4, the last one lasted 5 months. Other than that, I have just been drifting. Never really got back on my journey, never really did the things I had started prior to my relationship ending. I don't know why but I buried everything related to that last relationship/life/girlfriend, locked it all up, hobbies, friends, places, events, everything. I buried it and everyone assiocated with it. I am not sure why I did those things... I guess I should not run from the pain? I should go towards it and now that I'm pretty much healed. I think I can start again, start a knew, smarter, stronger, faster and wiser I won't let the next female destroy me like how this last one did. So thats that, a few more months at this pace and I will not remember that girl. I wonder though, how she is fairing in life. Then again, it doesn't really matter.
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hi BoT2, your post speaks to me for several reasons, the first being that my ex and I split up around the same time you and yours did (it was about 15 months ago). Secondly, though she never cheated on me (at least to my knowledge - who knows, maybe she did), she blamed me for the end of the relationship, despite the fact that: 1) She moved 200 miles away during the course of the R to take a job, putting a huge strain on the R; 2) She was basically a mean and horrible person who projected all her insecurities onto me in classic narcissist fashion. Also, my ex has never contacted me either. There are so similarities in your story to mine. Like you, I contacted my ex, but just once, and she replied with the casualness of a friend. OUCH. Finally, I've been wondering about my ex a lot lately. Unlike you, I never had a rebound relationship (though I wish I had). I'm just getting back on the dating horse now - or trying to - but of course thoughts of HER reappear from time to time. My advice to you is to get back on your own horse. When you say you are running from the pain, what do you mean? And what do you mean that you have locked away all your hobbies and friends?
Author BackonTrack2 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Hello, To answer your question(s). What I was saying or think I was saying is that, because I was in the hole for about 9-10 months, bascially alone feeling sorry for myself, I stoped talking to people, stop working, stopped doing allot of things and now since I'm rebuilding, the things I stopped so long ago is only now just coming back to memory. Almost as if I was in some sort of negative place and now its all coming back because I am in life again. As about everything else, its really strange because lately I have been thinking about the EX, I don't even know why. I think its because the last bit of her is leaving me. For the past 4 or 5 days, I had thoughts of contacting her but what I realize is that it would serve no purpose. The truth of the matter is, for whatever reason, what I thought I knew was not true and I must of been in some sort of denial stage or something. Only when it came to light did I have to face it and her actions and words just confused the heck out of me to the point where my mind became messed up and I now believe that relationship was a false-hood. There is no way it could of been "real", I must of been smoking some kind of drugs or somthing to believe otherwise... It did feel real though.... I have no more words for this story, its the past. I think I am finally able to move forward. I believe in another 6-8 months, I wouldn't remember her at all. My recovery time to forget her took about 2 year. I don't know her side of the story, nor do I care too, nor should it matter as we are not together anymore, I was the one who didn't know it though and well she, she didn't care or choose not too. In the end, it almost as if a knife was in back, slowly inching toward my heart and then someone PULLED IT OUT and I had to look at my bloddy body, wounded & hurt. It took a long time to heal and at times I still can't believe it but what I am discovering is that my situation is not so uncommon and girls like that are all over the place. I didn't know it would HURT that much though... Boy did it sting
sedgwick Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 It's fascinating to me that you guys are talking about still hurting 15 to 17 months after the breakup, but when I talk about hurting two years later, I'm given this hardcore "tough love" and told that I should "just get over it." At what point between 17 months and two years does the time limit run out? Kizik, you must know this, right? I mean, since you let me know in no uncertain terms that I was pathetic for still being sad at 24 months. I'm interested to know just out of curiosity, and happy for you guys that you can apparently, according to this time limit, look forward to being completely over your heartbreak in the next 7 months! I guess something just went wrong in the process for me. Kizik, since my pain is, according to you, completely my choice, and since I have total control over it but am choosing to "wallow in" my "cesspool of self-pity," why are you still hurting? Can't you just choose to "get over it?"
BCCA Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm a year out of a 5 year relationship, and I can tell you that even though I'm much better than I was last year, Im still not 100% over it. Might take every bit of another year, or I might just meet someone and forget all about her. There is really no exact time from for getting over a heartbreak, and its not as simple as 'just getting over it'. If it was, this forum wouldnt even exist. Love can be the greatest thing ever or the worst thing ever, just depends on how you fit in with it. Like Caliguy has told me before, there is no lonelier place on this planet than sitting next to someone you love to death who doesnt feel the same way. Your stories are similar to mine as well, and probably many others, because thats actually the norm. Anything else is an exception, but women tend to run and never look back, usually having someone else in mind on their way out the door. Youre never going to hear from them again, because any call would have to start with 'sorry for what I did' to even get you to listen, and truth be told, they arent sorry. They arent going to eat crow for the sake of calling you, and you can bet the farm that the thought that they might have made a mistake is NOT something that crosses their mind. Youre either going to have to make the peace on your own, or accept the fact that youre not going to hear from her again. Dumpers are almost never going to make the effort to bury the hatchett because they really dont care. You can hate them all you want, thats your deal, they wanted out and left. End of story. Sedgwick, you can take as long as you need to so that you can heal. Unless youre e-stalking, contacting, following, or otherwise spying on your ex, you cant really flip a switch to make it not suck anymore. I havent even seen my ex in close to a year, and it still burns. There are things you should do to help, which Im sure you are to some extent, but other than that you just have to live one day at a time, and hope for each day to get a little better. If it takes you 2 years to get over a 4+ year relationship, I think thats pretty normal. Tough love has a time and a place, but if youre doing what you can do move on, thats all anyone can ask. It might take you another 12 months, who knows, thats just part of life. Like I said, one day at a time...
kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Kizik, since my pain is, according to you, completely my choice, and since I have total control over it but am choosing to "wallow in" my "cesspool of self-pity," why are you still hurting? Can't you just choose to "get over it?" Sedgwick, the difference between you and me is that I CHOOSE not to blame myself for the whole ordeal. YOU live in a world of self-hatred and self-defeat and you think no one is good enough for you. Sure, I still go through pain, but I look at it realistically: the result of failed expectations, not the end-all of my personal character. Yeah, I still feel pain. Do I wallow in it? Flaunt it? Ignore those who try to help me? NO. I've accepted my role in the breakup (which is minimal), and it's this acceptance that has allowed me to move forward. YOU exaggerate your role in the breakup, and it keeps you stagnant.
Ilovehim Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Well in my opinion segwick..from what i read you seem to be thinking about him all the time...while its true that its been a year for me and my ex still resurfaces from time to time...i would say its more of a "he's still somewhat in my heart but i have moved on" type of feeling...there is a difference when u still "have a soft spot" for someone but go out there and life your life the best u can...and when u sit at home wondering/crying/blaming yourself...no, i refuse to do that...the pain is way less when im out with other people, liking someone else and just overall accepting the break-up...there is a difference..my ex is IN LOVE with someone else, he has a girlfriend and did that kill me? no...yeah it hurt a bit but u need to have tough skin...life has many ups n downs...are u gonna let a GUY destroy you??? come on now...open your eyes...
sedgwick Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 you think no one is good enough for you. YOU exaggerate your role in the breakup, and it keeps you stagnant. Where on earth did I ever say no one was good enough for me?!?! Point me to that post, please! I feel, in fact, that I'm not good enough for them. The breakup WAS my fault. Why? Because I wasn't good enough, and didn't recognize that he needed me to play music. Not only did I not respond to his most important need in the relationship, he was way too good for me overall -- which is the exact opposite of my supposed belief that no one is good enough for me. I'm quite confused now! are u gonna let a GUY destroy you??? He did destroy me, unfortunately. Or at least he destroyed my ability to ever trust or love again. Good for you that your breakup didn't do that to you! Go out there and date someone for me, willya? If it takes you 2 years to get over a 4+ year relationship, I think thats pretty normal. It was a 10-month relationship. That whole thing about it taking a month for each year you were together? Not true. My first love and I were together for three months and it took me 12 years to get over him completely -- if you do the math, I guess that means it'll take me 40 years to get over Joe. I wish I had all of your powers of healing! That said, I'm proud of you guys and glad to see others achieving what I can't. Keep up the good work. You all deserve to be happy!!
kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Where on earth did I ever say no one was good enough for me?!?! Point me to that post, please! I feel, in fact, that I'm not good enough for them. The breakup WAS my fault. Why? Because I wasn't good enough, and didn't recognize that he needed me to play music. Not only did I not respond to his most important need in the relationship, he was way too good for me overall -- which is the exact opposite of my supposed belief that no one is good enough for me. I'm quite confused now! Sorry - I meant to say that you think YOU are not good enough for anyone. Which is exactly the sentiment you're echoing here. As far as the bass thing, I don't even know what to say. Ever since I joined here, I've been hearing you say the same thing: "He dumped me b/c I don't play the bass." I don't even have words to describe what an illogical, OCD idea that is. I don't know what world you live in, but here on Earth we don't just dump people for their lack of musical prowess. Your ex is a douche and you've been wasting years of your life moaning about him. Repeat: You Are Wasting Valuable Time. Start living again, for the love of Pete.
sedgwick Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I don't know what world you live in, but here on Earth we don't just dump people for their lack of musical prowess. I was dumped. I was told it was entirely due to my lack of musical prowess. This is not a world I made up! Anyway, I don't want to hijack the OP's thread anymore.
kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I was told it was entirely due to my lack of musical prowess. And you believed it. And you let that p*ss-poor excuse define your self-image. You revel in the crazy-making, Sedg, and no one can divert your from your own self-sabotage way of thinking. Sorry to the OP, but this is important. Sedgwick would rather lay down and die, and accept any negative criticism from men, than to take charge of her own self-esteem. It's so much easier to be a LOSER than a f*cking WINNER.
BCCA Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Sedg, even though Kizik is being a little harsh, he has a point. The idea that a man would dump a woman, who is otherwise great, because she cant play the bass is nonsensical. Granted, Ive been in your shoes, and gotten hung up on the 'explination' I was given too, but its really just some BS he used to leave you. I can assure you that was not the entire, or even most, of the reason he dumped you. See, when people want you around, they accept everything about you. When my ex and I first started dating, she was just fine with me not having a masters. "I would love you even if you were a gardener" she told me. Then, when she was leaving, she couldnt be with someone who didnt take education as seriously as she did (her and her one online class per semester, probably still pretty far from that masters). What it is, is an excuse. Its an insurmountable 'flaw', that you really cant do anything about, but all of a sudden is the only reason they left you. Total crap, thats what it really is. The left you because your percieved value was lower than what they felt their own value was, thus, they 'could do better'. Thats it, bottom line, whole 9 yards. You are ALWAYS dumped because you werent worth it enough to the other person. Whatever else they add is anicdotal at best, usually just excuses.
sedgwick Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Sorry to the OP, but this is important. Sedgwick would rather lay down and die, and accept any negative criticism from men, than to take charge of her own self-esteem. It's so much easier to be a LOSER than a f*cking WINNER. If I could ask you to stop calling me names, that'd be great! I do in fact have self-esteem about what I DO -- I have no doubt I'm a good writer/dancer/designer. I don't consider myself a loser at all -- despite having a mental illness, I've achieved everything I've ever set out to achieve. When I look at my life overall, I very much feel that I have won! It's just that the love of my life doesn't love me back, and I have a lot of sadness and regret over that. Anyway, if you'd like to call me more names, please come do so in the thread I started, as opposed to hijacking this poor fellow's post. Thank you! The left you because your percieved value was lower than what they felt their own value was, thus, they 'could do better'. Thats it, bottom line, whole 9 yards. You are ALWAYS dumped because you werent worth it enough to the other person. Exactly. I wasn't good enough! As a result, I feel very ashamed. That said, I have broken up with people before and it was never, ever, EVER because I felt their value was lower than mine or because they weren't worth it. It was because we had irreconcilable differences -- in one case, those differences were a) sexual and b) related to our styles of living; in another, we were in a long-distance relationship and neither of us could move. I value both of them tremendously as people and am honored to know them. They are beautiful people worthy of love, and I would never view either of them as lesser than me in any way. I have nothing but the utmost respect for who they are and what they do, and I still have a lot of love in my heart for them both.
kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm Not Calling You Names. I said it is easier to be a loser than a winner. I did not say you were a loser. I said you have laid down and died and you seem to think of yourself as one.
sedgwick Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I said you have laid down and died and you seem to think of yourself as one. Kizik, if you have anything to say to me, such as that I have LAY (the use of the verb "laid" requires a direct object) down and died, please direct them to my thread. Thank you.
kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Nope, nothing to say. One minute you're appreciate and blissful, the next you're attacking and bitter. And your correction of my grammar is besides the point, and ultimately just another way for you to passive-aggressively say to me, "F*ck you." So don't worry, I'm done writing on your stuff.
sedgwick Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Nope, nothing to say. One minute you're appreciate and blissful, the next you're attacking and bitter. And your correction of my grammar is besides the point That'd be appreciatIVE, and BESIDE the point. Thanks for not commenting to me again! Being done with your cruelty will be much appreciated.
kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Haha. Keep listening to those who only tell you what you want to here. (Enjoy the mistake in that one?)
sedgwick Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Haha. Keep listening to those who only tell you what you want to here. (Enjoy the mistake in that one?) Let's keep that promise about being done with me, okay? Thank you!
EmperorR Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I know how it is almost been a year and here I am. I haven't contacted my ex since last year September and I was brushed off and I've stayed stron since then. She has no contacted me once and yeah it hurts a little bit after all I did for her. I didn't even get a damn apology a sorry nothing, all I've got is 12k in debt, embarrasnent, found out she aborted what would have been my son or daughter. I'm slowly rebuilding, I've had a few relationships but blah, sometimes I still tear up a little but I know it's just a part of life,
Author BackonTrack2 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Hello Everyone, Reading these replies really brought a smile to my face. You know in the end, it was not so bad. At the time, I didn't know that female had that much power over me to the point where I took her "death" really bad. I was messed up but I believe it was my choice. As about being HURT, I'm not HURT, my mind just wonder's to the past sometimes, more of a "wondering" as opposed to being hurt. But some words do ring truth "Their precieved value is greater than what they place on you" which is rather ironic especially in my case. That whoring ex girlfriend didn't know I had a stack of ACE's up my sleeve. :-) Thats one thing I could smile about, I know she must of felt stupid when I showed my hand. Infact, as I am writing this I am smiling to myself thinking "Hey, you know what, you actually won." She probably thought she found better, but then again, she was a whore, she didn't find better, she went whoring and maintain two relationship(s). It just saddens me but I'm sure glad I didn't end up with a girl like her. In the end, the greatest revenage is success and well all I have to do is live a joyious life, moving upward and forward and sooner or later I'll run into her or not, who cares honestly and when that time comes, I'll just probably laugh and think "stupid whore" but until that day, the small bits of what left of her in my heart are slowly fading. As about her feeling SORRY or regret full, what were her words "I know I did nothing wrong but deep down inside I feel guilty" She did try to apoligize, I didn't let her. In the end now that I look at this situtation with the words on this thread and being how I had other relationships, what I realize is that, that particular whore, didn't know how to speak up for herself and well ME, I was a FOOL. Lets wrap this up and chalk it off to a life lesson.
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