MissingMyHubby Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Quick backlog summary at bottom) I have been talking to a girl I met online for about 2 months now, we finally had our first date a couple weeks ago. Hiking/cookout then back to her house and hung out for a bit. We talk every day almost for 30-60 mins on fone or FB chat. She came to my place yesterday...We had a couple drinks at a bar and had a nice chat just us two....then had plans to take her to a BBQ, which we were there from 4-9. Then we left and went to a free Bluegrass festival in the city park. We wrestled around a bit at the park and it was playful fun. Anyways, we leave, she drops me off and basically says she has to leave to get back to her town (90mins away) so she can wake up for church in the AM. I walk her to her car and basically we kiss for 30 seconds. It was a decent kiss, but both her and I are a bit "rusty" as far as anything like that goes. I text her a bit later saying I had a great time and that next time I saw her I would plant a better kiss, and she said "lol, I am a bit rusty too." My questions/concerns: This girl is a southern girl with conservative roots and works at a small christian college. Granted, she drinks a bit (in secrecy, she's 27, I am 27 BTW) and is a tad liberal in that sense. But she is quite inexperienced with guys. I want to ask her if she fancies me/sees me in a sexual light at all, or ask her if she is generally a sexual person at all. I am about a year without anything and I have an ex starting to poke there way into the picture again about wanting to hook up sexually. No I am not gung ho about sneaking off behind the new girls back. But is it wrong of a man like me to ask such a question of if she is sexual? I am very sexual (meaning I need to be taken care of in that department or I grow resentful, just my wiring.) Summary: I have been seeing a girl for a brief time and am not sure how/if at all she is into me sexually/or is a sexual person per say, and would like to know if I have grounds to ask her such a question? Or should I let it "play itself out." Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Not sure I would come out and ask it. Maybe just try and see where the next date "goes" so to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I'd say she's atracted to you, but are you trying to figure out if she puts out, and how many dates will it take? (And your posting name FREAKS me out every time I see you talking about getting it with a girl, because I keep thinking you are a wife!!) Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 (And your posting name FREAKS me out every time I see you talking about getting it with a girl, because I keep thinking you are a wife!!) I was coming back to write the same thing!haha.. So, what's up with this name? Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 You NEVER ask a woman if shes sexual. What you have to do is peak her attraction to you so that she will want to be close to you.. Youre already kissing, you can just start escalating the sensual touching next time. Theres no need to ask. If you want to ask because you think you may be wasting your time with her, you have to get her in a state to trust you first, and you have to get her really comfortable to start playfully talking about sex, and her preferences. But you have to make it fun, you have to approach that subject sideways, you cant just come out and ask. You need a game plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Confusedalways Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 No. That is uncomfortable for both parties.... you hardly know her! I know you feel like you do- but really it's not appropriate right now. Just enjoy yourself and have fun, and see where it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
butcher's hook Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 "MissingMyhubby"?!?!? so are you male of female? Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 If some guy asked me if I was sexual, I'd think he was only interested in casual sex not in a relationship, and I'd dump him asap. It depends what you want her for: if, as another poster said, you want to find out if she "puts out" and that's all you're interested in, then by all means ask her, but prepare to be swiftly dumped. If you're interested in a relationship, don't ask her, as it would imply that all you want is casual sex. Geez, whatever happened to hanging out with someone just because you enjoy their company? Should I start worrying that guys won't like me if I don't put out? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 If some guy asked me if I was sexual, I'd think he was only interested in casual sex not in a relationship, and I'd dump him asap. It depends what you want her for: if, as another poster said, you want to find out if she "puts out" and that's all you're interested in, then by all means ask her, but prepare to be swiftly dumped. If you're interested in a relationship, don't ask her, as it would imply that all you want is casual sex. Geez, whatever happened to hanging out with someone just because you enjoy their company? Should I start worrying that guys won't like me if I don't put out? that's what I was saying. It's pointless and somewhat weird to ask. If the attractions there, it'll take hold on it's on. What's next sexual contracts? Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Even if the attraction is there, the woman may have certain beliefs (religious or otherwise) about when to have sex in a relationship. She may not engage in sex before marriage, or may not want to have sex with someone unless the relationship is extremely serious and/or long-term. It sounds like the OP wants to know if she puts out, because he has an ex who he can bang if the new girl isn't willing. If she won't have casual sex, he isn't interested. Which brings me back to my original point: what happened to spending time with people just because you enjoy their company? Why does whether she puts out or not make a difference? Unless all you're interested in her for is casual sex, and if she won't provide it then you have no other interest in her... which is what it sounds like. Link to post Share on other sites
IcemanJB Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Personally, I NEVER EVER EVER ask a women that sort of question. EVER. I let my actions speak for me, after taking note of her actions. I agree with the above ^^^. What about just enjoying her company and seeing where it goes? IMO, if you ask her this question, you will freak her out. It just doesn't sound like a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 But is it wrong of a man like me to ask such a question of if she is sexual? Yes. Do NOT ask that question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissingMyHubby Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 I bring this topic/concern up because all of my ex's have been quite aggressive from the get-go. Gf #1 started out of lust, lasted 1.5 years. gf #2 started after nights of getting drunk together aand fooling around--lasted almost 3 years. gf #3 i invited to a party and we made out hardcore for the whole night--lasted 2 years. I guess with this girl, maybe I am just not used to the slow pace of it all. Sure I can wait for the sex, it isnt everything I am after as you all assume of me. But I do find it a very important part of a healthy relationship. I just threw out the idea of asking if it would be a good idea to ask her thoughts on anything sexual related and/or if she cares any deal about it. For me, sex is 1/3 of a healthy relationship. For others, its 5%. Catch my drift? Link to post Share on other sites
Confusedalways Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 You seem intent on wanting to ask her. While I think it's a bad idea, I would at LEAST advise you to wait! People like her-- and trust me, I know plenty of them-- aren't comfortable talking about things like that so early in a new relationship. Just broach the subject lightly, if you're insistent. Do it in a way that isn't going to make her or your uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
prettybaby Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Dude, what's up with your screen names? And no, I would not ask her. You'd come across as a caveman who has no feelings. Especially if she's a bit more on the traditional side, as you described. Keep kissing, and try to feel things out a bit when making out (no pun intended). The boundaries (if she puts any) will be clear without you needing to flat out ask anything. You asking would be a much bigger turn off than physically testing things. Link to post Share on other sites
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Most of the advice here is against asking her. I completely disagree. I think many relationship nightmares happen that could have been avoided from the get-go if only the participants had not been afraid to communicate in the beginning. Because we are scared to even discuss sexual issues, we end up assuming (or hoping) certain things are true about our partners, but we don't know if we're right or not. So, yes, by all means bring it up. If the answer is bad, so be it, better to know now than let the relationship progress and find yourself waiting for her to change (which she won't) 10 years from now. Link to post Share on other sites
prettybaby Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 ^^ Nobody's denying that communication in a relationship is important. However, this has clearly not moved to the relationship stage yet. They're just casually dating right now and it sound like OP doesn't even know her that well yet. It's wiser to get to know her a little better before bringing up such personal topics, especially since she seems to be more on the conservative side. You don't just randomly go out with women and go "So hey! Would you like to have sex with me at some point? I want to be honest here because I don't want to waste my time with you if your intentions don't match mine". I mean, get real. You need to know someone a little better first. And by the time you get to know them well enough, you most likely won't even have to ask those things at that point, because you'll have their personality and intentions figured out without actually having had to ask them flat out. If I asked something like that so early on, it wouldn't make me a straight to the point kind of person. It would make me socially retarded. Link to post Share on other sites
IcemanJB Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Most of the advice here is against asking her. I completely disagree. I think many relationship nightmares happen that could have been avoided from the get-go if only the participants had not been afraid to communicate in the beginning. Because we are scared to even discuss sexual issues, we end up assuming (or hoping) certain things are true about our partners, but we don't know if we're right or not. So, yes, by all means bring it up. If the answer is bad, so be it, better to know now than let the relationship progress and find yourself waiting for her to change (which she won't) 10 years from now. It kind of ruins the mood if you have to flat out ask something like that. I've never had any problems just slowly progressing things physically; she'll let you know if she doesn't want to go further. What sounds like a more confident guy: 1.) He asks "um, are you a sexual person?" or 2.) he moves from kissing her on the lips, to kissing her neck, to unbuttoning her shirt, etc. Not all communication is spoken. I'm not saying never talk about sex, I'm saying asking for it, ESPECIALLY this early, is stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 You don't just randomly go out with women and go "So hey! Would you like to have sex with me at some point? I want to be honest here because I don't want to waste my time with you if your intentions don't match mine". You know, during my "sowing wild oats" phase I actually used a very similar approach. And, to my utter astonishment, it actually worked more often than I imagined it would. And these weren't university-aged girls with a half-a-dozen shooters into them, many were professional women who were frankly fed up of having guys play PUA-type games. Just sayin... Link to post Share on other sites
prettybaby Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 ^^ They obviously didn't turn out to be the love of your life though. OP - although with a somewhat confused approach - is apparently looking for a relationship to last longer than (or at least be equal to) the 2 year average he's been getting so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 If he's looking for a proper relationship, perhaps he should decide whether or not to stay in a relationship based on factors other than whether the girl puts out. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to waste his time if she isn't going to let him bang her. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 All the advice you have been given here is sound. Please don't ask a woman if she is sexual. It's mildly insulting and invasive. It would and has been a huge turn off for me in the past when men have asked me questions along that line. It takes some of the fun out of it as well. Respect her but be proactive in being intimate with her and see how it plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I stand by my original advice and statement. If you don't start a relationship with open communication, especially about sexual things, it will be hard to make that happen later. Now, I'm not suggesting that you pop off with "So, are you gonna suck my c**k soon or what?", but opening a dialogue to ascertain mutual compatibility? Seems to me that would be a good thing, and could avoid much heartache down the road. For both of you. If a woman is offended merely discussing the topic, I would imagine she's overly conservative sexually, and based on my assumptions about the OP (and they ARE assumptions) I would guess he's not looking for overly conservative. Were I still on the dating market, very early in the relationship I would make clear what my expectations were. Had I done that in my first marriage I might have saved myself a decade of disappointments. I DID do that in my second, and as a result, we are very compatible and happy. Well, partially as a result as no relationship is about only one thing, but my point remains. Link to post Share on other sites
Stark Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 If you want to ask her go ahead, but I'd say that wordplay is key here. If you think she would take offence to you outright asking, you could always ask something like "when do you think the right time to have sex when seeing someone is, are you kind of go with the flow wirh it or do you believe in things like commitment first/marriage etc?" I don't know how anybody could take offence to such a question, the idea of dating is getting to know the other person and that information is just as important as other stuff, I mean you wouldn't want to try something, then find out that she doesn't believe in sex until she really knows someone/marriage etc. Some people say it sucks the fun out. Well, wondering about stuff for some people is not fun, some people like to know where they stand. Honesty is a great thing yet people seem to get touchy when it's personal stuff, when the idea of dating is supposed to be about getting to know someone on a personal level. Link to post Share on other sites
Kaizen Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Mate, take it easy. I know what it's like to be "hungry" as well. Here are three points: 1. You and her are not exclusive. It's none of her business what you do until you are. All you need to say is that you are seeing her. If she asks about sex say that you hang out with other girls, but there is nothing special there. She is the only special one. The only one you want to have sex with. In the meantime have as much sex as you want with your ex (be careful with this) UNTIL you guys have the exclusive convo. When it comes up ask her about sex. 2. She is inexperienced. In fact, she might be a virgin. A question like what you are saying will scare her away and make you seem like the sex-hungry man you are. Not that there is anything wrong with that. 3. When you DO have the conversation about exclusivity be gentle. Do not ask "are you sexual?" Rather ask "Well you see MaryJane, I value intimacy quite a bit and believe it to be an essential part of a good relationship. What do you think?" HTH Link to post Share on other sites
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