spcmac Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I have been dating a girl for 2 and a half years roughly.. we have been living together most of that time, we just recently had a daughter together and she is 3 months old. About a month ago we started getting into some arguments because i felt like i was being put on the back burner and she was putting her friends before me... anyway it caused some arguments and she ended up moving out and said that she needs space... Im not sure exactly how to take that... we still talk quite often and sometimes shes willing to talk, then sometimes i feel like im just bugging her and its hard to figure out how to take it, everytime we talk about our relationship or getting back together i get the same answer everytime and its "i cant do this right now" or "i need space" I thought there was another guy in the picture at first but im not exactly sure... when girls want space is it because there could be somebody else? is it best to just leave her alone completely? try to communicate as much as possible? I just dont want to completely leave her alone and make her think that i dont want to try and make it work because I do, I just dont know how to handle the situation its been a month, how much time does 1 need honestly?
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I requested "space" from my XH when we were facing divorce. He didn't honor my request. I found this article that would have helped if he would have followed it. I can't post the original link because it could probably be considered spam, but if you're interested, you can search for "Al Turtle" and probably find his articles relatively easily. 1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING. This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone a lot. Let your partner contact you when they are ready. 2. SURVIVE Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It's not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of the other gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more. 3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi. Learn what you can. Read my paper on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. What led you to be so unaware of your partner? What lead you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, work on yourself. And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change. When I say “visibly” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. 4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never loose it again. Good luck.
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