When your mother has no self-esteem

[anika99]

Your problem isn't that your mother has no self-esteem, it's that your mother is an absolute expert at manipulating and controlling you. I used to to have self esteem problems too and I never used that as a reason to suck the life out of a loved one like an insatiable vampire. Your mother may have low self esteem but that is not what is damaging and draining you. It's her histrionic selfish controlling behaviour that is hurting you.

 

 

There is absolutely nothing you an do to change her, you can only change you and how you interact with her. First of all you stop giving in to her melt downs. You live your life as you want and you tell your mother that she can either respect you as a mature adult or not but you are no longer going to entertain her hysterics. If she wants to wail and carry on then you tell her you are sorry she is upset but you cannot accommodate her every desire and then do as you wish. If she badgers you then go out or go to your room and lock the door. It will be very very hard to change the dynamic of this relationship but it can be done if you are committed and consistent. Eventually your mother will learn that what has worked for her in the past is not working now and she will back off. Unless she is personality disordered in which case you still have to enforce your own boundaries for your sanity but your mother will probably never stop trying to run your life.

[SpiralOut]

 

My question still stands... how do I find a female role model in my life? Sometimes I feel like putting myself up for adoption. Putting out an ad on Craigslist saying "I need a mom!" Maybe some woman out there with a difficult, (say, drug-addicted) or absent daughter must be looking for a new daughter. I know that's silly, but that's how I feel sometimes. I wish I had a mother I could look up to, and not someone I just feel sorry for all the time.

 

.

 

Try reading Women who run with the wolves.http://www.amazon.ca/Women-Who-Run-With-Wolves/dp/0345409876

 

 

My mother has low self-esteem. She doesn't show it in the same way that yours does but it deeply affected me. She mostly made lots of jabs and mean-spirited comments, then acted surprised if you got offended. She did lots of gas-lighting. She also blabbed other people's secrets to me and made me promise to not tell anyone, which is not an appropriate thing for an adult to do with a child. As a result I never felt that I could talk to her or trust her. I grew up with nobody that I could confide in. It is hard to grow up with no positive female role-model.

 

 

You may also try the book Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I can't tell from your post if your mother is a full blown narcissist, but she definitely has some traits.

 

 

The other thing to work on is setting boundaries with her. That second book has some advice about that.

Edited February 4, 2015 by SpiralOut

[Sugarkane]

You basically described my mother and her mother (my nan). My dad was always autocratic and abusive. She's never stood up to him. Which I resent her for.My parents are still stick in the 1950s in many ways. I wish sh had fought me assertiveness because I lack assertiveness in myself.

[robaday]

I can empathise, my dad was a narcissist and used my mum. But while I can sympathise one thing I learnt was that me and my mum had allowed him to treat us like crap, like servants expecting unconditional love in return. Its only since we stood up to him hes actually made an effort to try and be in my life. Hell never be a close relative but Ive begun to accept him for all his faults and see hes human just like me.

 

But in your case please dont be too hard on her. She doesnt sound well. And for all her faults, suffering from low self esteem and shyness is debilitating, it was for me most of my life (probably because my dad put me down and I had no male role model). We cant change them, we can only accept them. And you mention not having female role models in your life too and being distant to them - but are you not listening to your own advice to your mum?