When your mother has no self-esteem

[NotKelly]

This topic is directed at the female posters here, but I guess anyone is welcome to chime in...

 

My mother has been shy and lacking in self-esteem since she was a little girl. Her mother (my grandmother) really didn't provide her much support (she was too wrapped up in her own brothers and sisters' affairs and barely paid attention to my mother and my aunt when they were children).

 

My mother grew up with few real friends, and she got married very young to the first man who paid any attention to her at all (my father). She never had any real experience in dating, socializing with girlfriends, in living on her own, etc. It was high school, marrage, kids, and then 25 years of living with a man who just didn't want to be married (my father).

 

My mom has very poor self-esteem and no ambitions. She grew up in a time when girls of her economic status were not encouraged to go to college or do anything else but marry. She does not know how to make good friends and claims she "doesn't need them," but it's obvious she is not the kind of person who really enjoys being alone. I think for most of her life, she got through by associating lightly with her co-workers or her husband's family. When my father left her, and when she got too old and sick to work full-time, the bottom dropped out of her life.

 

I moved back in with her to help her with expenses and since then she has come to be very overreliant on me emotionally. She has no friends. She never has had them. Even when I gently suggest she should get involved in some sort of periodic activity to keep her in touch with others, she reacts angrily and says "I don't need friends!" No -- she just needs ME. Constantly. She has hobbies and interests, but no amount of encouragement from me seems to get through to her. She always gives up on them, saying what she does is no good.

 

And honestly I cannot fill whatever gaping void is in her personality that makes her that way. I knock myself out trying to keep her amused and happy, but it's depressing because nothing will ever be enough. A child cannot fill the void that is left in a parent, because of their own parent's neglect by THEIR parent. And my mother isn't exactly the most emotionally honest person in the world. She has developed, throughout her life, a very strong resistance to changing the way she looks at anything. She doesn't see other women as potential friends; now in her 60s, she is really just a scared, shy 14 year old girl... stuck on 14 forever. Sometimes she still spontaneously remembers being teased in school or yelled at by adults, and she cries about the same old memories over and over. She has never gotten over it. (Believe me, I have tried to suggest she talk to someone about these past pains, but she angrily rejects even the softest of suggestions about it.)

 

It is really, really hard to grow up with a mother like that. I think it is a contributing reason to why my sister and I never really dated and why we never married. In many ways it feels like we never really had a mother - someone who could teach us life lessons we needed to know and give us confidence to go out in the world. We did not have any other confident female role models in our lives (one aunt was even more shy and reclusive than our mother, and the other aunt lived far away and we rarely saw her). Even now, my sister and I don't socialize that much, ourselves and don't have any really close girl friends.

 

I guess deep down, I didn't really want to have children because I didn't think I would know how to be a good and strong mother to them. I always felt like I was not mature enough... and now I understand some of why I might have had that feeling.

 

Wondering if there are any other women out there who grew up with a painfully shy and isolated mother. How did it affect you, and who did you turn to for a female role model in your life?

[me003]

My story is not like that. My mom was a very strong person and came from a crappy upbringing.

Her kids (including me) are not go geters like her. I feel that we should be since she was teh example that we grew up with. I feel that counseling works but just like anything if people donlt have an open mind then things will nto change. good luck with getting teh answers that you seek.

[Angel1111]

It's not your responsibility to work out your mother's problems or personal preferences. If she really wanted to change her life, she would. For her, there may be comfort in the way she continues to live in the past, and it probably doesn't interest her to socialize. She may genuinely not like or trust people and it's more comfortable to her to stay away from people in general.

 

One thing I would suggest is that if your mom is in her 60's and was married to your dad for that many years (and was his first wife), she is entitled to the social security that your dad earned. It won't affect what he receives, it's just a law that the first wife of a man is entitled to his social security if they were married 10 years or more. If your mom isn't taking advantage of this, she needs to. It will improve her financial situation.

 

I'm sure it's tough to watch your mom handle her life in the way that she does but it's a waste of time to worry about the choices other people make. Let her life her live, stop bugging her about what she should and shouldn't be doing, and just be a loving daughter.

[darknightie]

OP, I would think your post was myself if I didnt know better.

 

I dont know what to suggest, but I can say that I hear you, all too well.

[Angel1111]

Just speaking from my perspective, but if my child were constantly pointing out to me that I needed to do this or that to improve my life, or telling me what I needed to do or not do, it would piss me off immensely.

 

Your mother is the parent, you're the child. That never changes. Let her figure it out.

[NotKelly]

I don't volunteer any advice to my mother unless she says "What should I do?" (which is often, almost daily) so it's not as if I'm aggressively trying to "tell her what to do." She wants me to be her mother. And I've said many times, "I am not your mother," but it doesn't faze her. She keeps being needy and it's all I can do to contain my temper (or worse, keep myself from taking advantage of her and pushing her around). She is also completely overwhelmed by life outside the house now. We can't even go out together anywhere and barely a half hour passes and she's flustered and losing control.

 

If she would just be honest about her shyness that would be one thing. But it's so glaringly obvious that she is not the sort of person who enjoys being alone, and yet, she refuses to go out and make friends and is constantly insisting she doesn't need friends. Why is she being so dishonest with herself?? AS for bingo halls or senior clubs, as I already mentioned - she will never be a joiner. And that's fine, because I'm not a joiner either, but I also don't have a yawning need for constant companionship like she apparently does. She has been a shy loner since she was a kid. That will never change, but I think she could find one or two companions if she would just do things differently.

 

It's very hard to grow up without a mother who is a source of strength and not just a bowl of Jello. I understand why she is like this and feel sorry for her, but she is such an energy drain on me sometimes. I have this terrible feeling that when she passes away, I will just feel relieved instead of sad.

 

My question still stands... how do I find a female role model in my life? Sometimes I feel like putting myself up for adoption. Putting out an ad on Craigslist saying "I need a mom!" Maybe some woman out there with a difficult, (say, drug-addicted) or absent daughter must be looking for a new daughter. I know that's silly, but that's how I feel sometimes. I wish I had a mother I could look up to, and not someone I just feel sorry for all the time.

 

And I know there must be lots of other women out there with moms who have depression or substance abuse problems who feel the same way. I just wanted to say, that having a paralyzingly shy mother who has no self-esteem, produces much of the same feeling.

[aznprincess]

she should still be your role model since she is your mom, try and think of the positive traits that she has and grow from it. She is already 60 and its close to impossible to change her.. Just love her and accept her for who she is.

[NotKelly]

There is nothing to role model with her. She is timid, lets people walk all over her, doesn't like to do stuff for strangers (it's "out of her comfort zone"), sits in the house all day, won't accept advice from others even when she solicits it. It's almost like she's not even there, or dead. I do not know how to fill her yawning pit of personal needs.

 

Sometimes one's mother just isn't a very good role model and you have to look elsewhere.

[Tayla]

Surprized at some of the unempathetic comments here.

It sounds to me that its the MOTHER that deserves some motivation. Its NOT the daughters responsibility in the least to Sit idely by whilst the parent takes advantage. Sorry but I applaud this daughter for still CARING about her parent. I understand how CO DEPENDENT AN ELDER can be.

 

Motivating a person to be somewhat active isn't anything to be admonished for. I pray to heavens my kids love me enough to keep me active and lively!

 

My prayers and support go out to this Lady for being a supportive daughter, NOT many folks really know how difficult it is watching a parent essentially waste their life away without little energy to improve it. Its down right heartbreaking some days.

[Flyleaf7889]

Well, I understand where she's coming from with the friend problem. I'm not much for friends, either. I just don't think they're necessary, is all. She might feel the same way.

 

You could have your mother talk to her mother. It sounds like she got a lot of these traits from her mom. Also, maybe try being rough with her. If you're always soft and talking in the "everything's-okay" voice, she might not get that you're serious. Tell her how you really feel, and tell her that she needs to stand up for herself and stop being society's doormat!

 

As for the female role model, do you have any family that you can look up to? Aunts, grandmothers, etc.? Or maybe even some friends? OR, you could be your own role model! Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you're happy in your decision. =D Good luck!

[NotKelly]

You could have your mother talk to her mother. It sounds like she got a lot of these traits from her mom.

That's kind of impossible because her mother (my grandmother) has been dead for 20 years. I already know what happened with them, though. My grandmother spent all her time doting on her (my grandmother's) many brothers and sisters. Her own children (my mother included) were afterthoughts. They never got any nurturing from her.

 

So, yes, I understand a bit of why my mother is such a helpless crybaby... it just doesn't make it any easier for me to cope.

 

Just revisiting this old topic. Yes, my mom is doing stuff again that annoys me. And I am having those same old negative feelings. I wonder why you never read anything about this in the women's magazines, about women who have mothers who are just incredibly lacking in self-esteem. Not that I want to blame every bad thing in my life on her, but I just got exhausted today thinking about the incredible baggage she imposes on me and my sister. I have to live with her because she needs my rent money, and if I tried to move out to an apartment, she'd just wind up moving in with me because she can't take care of herself. So what's the point.

 

The precipitating thing today was, a (male) business acquaintance of mine called the house today (I haven't talked to him in years) and she answered the phone and after the phone call was over, I come downstairs to find her crying and in super-helpless mode. Apparently she got rattled that I was talking to a man...

 

I just can't ever have a normal life around her. I guess it will be this way forever huh.

 

As for my own role models... I've never been that great at opening up to anyone, maybe because whenever I opened up with my feelings to my mother, she would totally hijack the situation and inject her own emotions into it, instead of listening to me or offering advice. If I had a bad day at school and came home crying, she'd talk about her own bad days at school and start crying too. NOT REAL HELPFUL, MOM. If I had a stomach ache, she'd talk about her headache she had had all day. Anything that happened to me, she had it worse. I learned never to cry in front of her because it would just set her off. Unfortunately I think it turned me into a steely cold person who doesn't show my feelings. Hard to open up to new friends that way.

 

When I was about 25 I realized the sad truth: that I had no respect for her. I hate feeling that way, but that is how I feel. Now I just concentrate on making sure I don't be mean to her. But I will never feel like I get any support from her. I will never look up to her. She'll always be like a little sister to me, not a mother.

Edited November 14, 2010 by NotKelly

[Jannah]

Wondering if there are any other women out there who grew up with a painfully shy and isolated mother. How did it affect you, and who did you turn to for a female role model in your life?

 

Yes. It most certainly had an impact on me. I love my mother dearly and would still take a bullet for her, but I def acquired a lot of negative traits from her with certain aspects. I look up to my older sister (growing up was a different story), she is a firm anchor, she is extremely intelligent and sufficient. You just need a good support system around you and try to learn how to filter out the particles that cause you angst.

[NotKelly]

Yes. It most certainly had an impact on me. I love my mother dearly and would still take a bullet for her, but I def acquired a lot of negative traits from her with certain aspects. I look up to my older sister (growing up was a different story), she is a firm anchor, she is extremely intelligent and sufficient. You just need a good support system around you and try to learn how to filter out the particles that cause you angst.

 

Lucky you. My older sister hates me. We've never been close, no matter how hard I try. I think she takes her contempt for our mother out on me.

 

Of course I need a good support system, but you can't just go out and buy one at the store. I have always had trouble connecting with other women.

[Jannah]

Lucky you. My older sister hates me. We've never been close, no matter how hard I try. I think she takes her contempt for our mother out on me.

 

Of course I need a good support system, but you can't just go out and buy one at the store. I have always had trouble connecting with other women.

 

Yes, partial luck, but also - mutual acceptance, love and compromise. The love was always there...but the other two things took work and devotion.

 

And I realize you cannot just go out and get a support system, what I am saying is, is to try to surround yourself with people who have a good impact on you, people you enjoying being around.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear your story and I completely understand where you are coming from. You know how dependent she is on you and how much it's affecting any attempts you make to make an enjoyable life for yourself.

 

My mother behaves in a similar way, but not quite to the extent that your mother does. I suspect your mother realises she can manipulate you emotionally and so does not hold back from letting you know how upset or hurt she is about anything. This places a great weight on your shoulders and it's easy to feel guilty in that situation. Her background probably had a lot to do with it and because she doesn't know how to cope with many things and is fearful of them, she's very defensive and manipulative. I feel really sorry for you because you are in a tough situation here.

 

As a bit of background, my mother was orphaned at the age of seven and from then onwards was farmed out to relatives and an abusive family member. She never felt wanted or cared for and was actually what we'd call a 'battered child' today. In those days, there was nothing as sophisticated as social services to rescue her. She had a hard life, working on farms and in other tough jobs and had to care for the abusive relative when she was ill. She had vey little idea how normal families related and coped with problems and is a very fearful person. She cannot directly tackle any of her fears but tries to manipulate instead. She will change any story, if she thinks it's not being well-received, in order to avoid people getting upset with her. She is so afraid of inspiring anger in anyone. When I was young, I was told so many contradictory things and that just about everyone was out to get us, that I grew up fearful myself. I'm only gradually unpicking all this brain-washing and finding out that I don't have to be a 'good girl' all the time in order for people to put up with me.

 

It is incredibly difficult dealing with someone who has had a bad childhood. You want to make it better but you can't. You deserve a life too. You've tried to help your mother but she's not welcoming it. She sounds depressed, to be honest. If she'll see her doctor, then I'd encourage that, to see if they can help with depression, but she may refuse. You have become co-dependent (not your fault at all) but reading about co-dependency may help you to see how to help yourself. You need to gradually wean her off depending on you for her emotional support on a daily basis. She's not going to appreciate this but she has to be responsible for her emotional welfare as do you. She has to start taking some responsibility for herself.

 

It may help if you try to muster some support from, say, social services, local GP, even carer organisations. If she objects to you talking to others or making friends or a support network for yourself, you'll need to tell her that your feelings matter too and that she's not the only person who gets unhappy at times. Somehow you need to draw the lines, gently but firmly, with respect to how much you let her manipulate you into doing things and being with her when you'd rather do other things. You are not joined at the hip with her and she needs to learn that. Your mother may be a very fearful woman who can't help panicking but she is manipulating you out of fear. If you can gently resist these manipulations and be calm about it, she may actually find it strangely reassuring - knowing that after all, you're not worried like her so there is nothing to fear. Whereas if you react with concern, she may get even more worried.

 

Her behaviour is not fair on you and, as your mother, she should understand that she needs to care for you too. She is obviously very fearful of something happening, people leaving her or whatever. Maybe finding out what the fundamental fear is would help. Just airing it might help and you can reassure her then.

 

You are asking for a female role model and I am wondering why you want this? Is it because you are not sure what is normal? Are you wondering where it is reasonable to draw the line? Or do you want someone stronger to come in and do what you are struggling to do? I am not asking because I am criticising, just not sure what it means to you.

 

You sound a nice, caring person who has a lot of empathy with your mother. She is taking more from you than she should be as a mother. She should be offering you support too, encouraging you to go out, not clinging and despairing like this. It isn't normal and it's not fair on you. If you haven't called your GP about this, you really should. I don't have much faith that the GP can do anything, but they may have recourse to counselling or something that might help you, even if your mother isn't willing to go into it. Yes, I think counselling may well help you and be some support. Take what help you can, you are dealing with a difficult situation.

Edited November 21, 2010 by spiderowl

[nessaaa]

Wow NotKelly!

You just described exactly how my mother is in the first three paragraphs. She too, got married young and never really had any girlfriends or a social life. Her mother never paid attention to her. She's very shy, and scared of other people. Your mom is exactly like mine, it's scary.

 

She was a crappy mother to me, taught me nothing, never spoke to me, has no interest in me, till this day. I guess it's because I have younger siblings that have kept her busy. I dont really get it though, she's loving to them, she tells them she loves them...she has never told me she loved me not that I could remember anyways, maybe cause im the oldest. Dont know why she has been cold towards me till this day nor do I care. I've made it clear to her that I too dont like her. I see how my aunt is towards her daughters and honestly I get jealous...thank god for her because, she's the one who has given me the good advice.I dont want to be nothing like my mother, she hasnt affected me at all. I love her, but I dont like her.

[Jannah]

My grandmother (mother's side) passed away before I met her. But from what I've gathered, she was a tough lady, straight from Germany. Her husband (my grandfather, died before I met him too) was the gentler soul of the two…

 

My mother was around 14 years old when her father passed away, and on the day he passed, my mother (and her siblings) came home from the hospital and their mother immediately says to them "time for choirs, so no more time for tears". From that point forward, grieving in public wasn’t “accepted”.

 

That was the type of household my mother grew up in...

 

My grandmother passed away a few years after that, and my Mom married my father soon after. He was born in the Middle East, and his personality turned out to be very similar to my grandmothers, right after he married my mother…

 

It's interesting to see how dynamics play out and how the environment you grew up in, affects you. This is why I mentioned to the OP that if her mother lacks the necessary skill set to be a good role model, to try to look towards others who are a positive reinforcement for her instead. You can still accept your mom as your mother, have love for her and show her your love for her, while also knowing that her limitations and shortcomings aren’t necessarily healthy for you.

[itsxme]

I know this is old, but I found it on google.

 

And, first, to Angel1111, I just want to say, How dare you? Your comment was so insensitive, defensive and accusatory.

 

But, anyway to NotKelly, I'm only 21 and I recognize your mom's behavior in my own mom. It's so upsetting and it disturbs me. I don't want to inherit her low self-worth. My mom just does way too much for everyone else and barely ever takes care of herself. That's not healthy in any way at all.

 

She treats me mean when I take care of myself, am happy, try to be independent. It's so crazy; like she's trying to steal MY youth and my happiness and independence. It breaks my heart because I wish she didn't have this pain inside her that made her act that way towards me. Even the day she and my dad went home after helping me get settled on campus, she started an argument with me. Now, I often feel guilty for getting what I want, being happy, and I'm trying to reverse this. It's just not fair at all.

 

It sucks having a mother who is not confident in herself. I wish I could look up to her as a role model, and I do in some respects. I love her and I wish she could love herself enough to quit trying to put everyone else down.

[jenifer1972]

I have a mother very much like this. She is, in reality, a succubus. Anyone who has not lived this has no right to critcize. I have done many things to individuate and escape and have my own life. Where to start? First realize she will never change and she pulls for codependency in you.

[NotKelly]

 

She treats me mean when I take care of myself, am happy, try to be independent. It's so crazy; like she's trying to steal MY youth and my happiness and independence. It breaks my heart because I wish she didn't have this pain inside her that made her act that way towards me.

 

Yes... I have gone through this too.

 

When she was younger (in high school), my mother liked to do art. She has had somewhat of a crafty touch, but she tends to give up on her projects too soon. She has said she would have liked to go to art school but of course, girls of her economic class did not get to go to college. (Oh, how I have encouraged her over and over again to continue with her crafts and artwork... but always it's, "I'm not any good." Nothing I say makes a dent.)

 

A few years ago, I took up painting. It's one of the few hobbies I've been able to stick with, in fact, and I even have sold some paintings. When my mother found out I was painting and had sold some, her reaction was just really strange... it was like she was not happy for me at all. Only gradually did I realize she was jealous. It was as if I had stolen "her" activity. So, now I don't share that part of my life with her at all. I never know when showing her or telling her about it will set her off.

 

I just never realized until recent years, when I finally started to put it together, how profoundly my mother's lack of confidence and "presence" affected me in life. I wouldn't wish this upbringing on my worst enemy. It gave me so many negative feelings about life, about other people, and about other women, too, as well as myself. I just don't understand why you never read about this in women's magazines or even on the Internet. Everything is about "Oh, my mother was such a strong, wonderful, inspiring woman who gave me so much." Everything's just perfect.

 

I suppose if my mother were a drunk or a drug addict, I'd have support groups for relatives of alcoholics, but there are no support groups for daughters of women with abnormally low self-esteem and timidity. Plus, well, my mother didn't drink or do drugs. So that makes me feel even more guilty for feeling like she was severely wanting in mothering skills. Anything a 14-year-old babysitter could do, she did pretty well. Anything that I needed to learn from her about making my way in the world after that... she had nothing to give.

 

You are asking for a female role model and I am wondering why you want this? Is it because you are not sure what is normal? Are you wondering where it is reasonable to draw the line? Or do you want someone stronger to come in and do what you are struggling to do? I am not asking because I am criticising, just not sure what it means to you.

 

It is a good question. I guess I would have wanted to grow up seeing the example of a woman who can handle herself well in social situations, who is confident dealing with the outside world, a woman who genuinely likes men (instead of talking about how she was teased by boys/men growing up), and most importantly, a woman who had other woman friends. I just can't help feeling my life would have formed differently if I had had an example like that - a woman I could look up to. I feel so lonerlike and standoffish, especially around other women who might make good friends for me. A lot of the time I don't even feel like I like other women. And if I had female friends, I might not have gotten mixed up in such a bad longtime relationship with a man who was not right/good for me because someone would have offered some advice. While I was growing up, my mother did nothing but badmouth other women (always in private), denigrate friendship ("I don't NEED any friends") and it was all because of her colossally low self-esteem.

Edited March 20, 2011 by NotKelly

[NotKelly]

Occasionally I go back and read my old threads and provide updates. This is another one. It's been about a year, so...

 

My mom actually does have a circle of friends now. She met them online. Nothing seedy: it's a hobby group, a chat room she hangs out in, and many of the people are middle-aged or maybe 10 years younger than her.

 

This past winter, she went to not one, but two gatherings of this group of online friends (they go to concerts and stuff), and had a wonderful time both times.

 

So I guess sometimes there is a little ray of hope. It isn't going to change the way I was brought up and the issues I still struggle with, but I wanted to update those who took the time to respond to my thread.

[Terra387]

Hello, I also have a similar situation with my mother. She's nearing 60, and she's become an emotional mess. She constantly tells me her problems of her living situation or how miserable she is, but then turns around and tells me how happy she is. As soon as she divorced my dad when I was 16, she pretty much immediately started driving to a different city to see this man who was her high school/college sweetheart. She eventually moved to live with him, leaving her job, selling her house, and leaving what few friends she had, only for her to move up with him, find a job, and the man quit his job and has not worked ever since. it's been over 13 years she's been with him. Yet she will tell me how in love she is, but yet complain how she has to get home from work and mow the lawn, wash the dishes, change a tire on her car while her "white knight'' stands and watches, not lifting a finger to help, and constantly complains about all kinds of other things in her life and how she's broke all the time. I've tried to tell her she needs to talk to a professional because it's very draining and depressing for me to hear her on the verge of tears and all emotional about everything, but she'll just rudely tell me "well you tell me about your problems so i should be able to tell you about mine, that's what you're here for!" i just have to ignore those comments or i would say some pretty hurtful things in anger, which i have done so before. she is very insecure, zero confidence in herself, and i have never seen her so unhappy. i remember her looking at me when i was younger and telling me several times that I needed to get a different look on my face. she did teach me some things, she taught me to be a strong independent woman and not to cry. she would yell at me everytime i would start to cry when i got scared at the arguments that went on with my parents when i was very young. But she's become the exact opposite of what she taught me to be. and it's sad. but i cannot fix her problems for her, and being an emotional door mat is extremely depressing for me. she's gotten to the point where she speaks every single thought she has, which is very strange. like you'll be trying to talk to her and she'll interrupt you to say some random thing she is thinking. is that some kind of illness? anyway, she's my mom and i love her, but she refuses to go get help claiming she's just in bliss and doesnt need any. maybe all of that has made me who I am today, a strong independent woman, and no, to this day i do not cry and i cannot stand sappy emotional situations or conversations. it's very uncomfortable and litterly makes me nauseated. anyway, just thouht i would share a little bit of the situation.

[Radu]

I hope she sticks with it.

 

I just read the thread and one of the ideeas i had while reading is about the fact that she refuses because she is scared ... scared that she might come to the realization that she lost 40+ yrs being lonely.

[Wolfcub]

Just an idea: sometimes people, who lack self confidence and emotional support, can obtain both with the help of a dog. Dog (unlike cat) needs schooling and constant guiding through all its life. It needs regular accompanied (!) walks in the neighbourhood, and it is proved that a person with a dog gets more positive attention from other people than the very same person without the dog. You mom may meet some "dog-walking" friends, probably the same age ladies with similar pooches. Dog will listen to her, look supportive and understanding when she wants to tell somebody her memories. She will need to groom the dog regularly, comb, take to grooming salons, to vet for vaccinations. And just the stroking of dogs coat gives emotional peace. Well, if she is not totally alergic to them. I don't say this will be a paradise for the dog, as probably it will become underexercised and overweight, but it will take some of the emotional burden off you, NotKelly. Just be sure to choose a breed that will not try to dominate over your mom - nothing too big or energetic, but with sweet temperament. Small or medium sized poodle could do fine. Or something along these lines.

[NotKelly]

I am back after several years, just checking in here again with a little update.

 

My mother's newfound social life didn't really last, or at least has cooled down a lot. She is getting older and it is harder for her to get to New York to meet them, some of her other online friends have had health issues so they can't meet, etc. The problem really is that it is all online stuff. My mother still doesn't have any real people connections in our actual community. In a way, these are typical problems of older people, made worse by my mother's shyness and lack of self-esteem.

 

I just read the thread and one of the ideeas i had while reading is about the fact that she refuses because she is scared ... scared that she might come to the realization that she lost 40+ yrs being lonely.

 

Yes, I think that's pretty much true, I have thought the same thing myself.

 

She seems to be swinging back toward the ultra-dependent end of the scale again and I honestly don't see much hope she will ever really pull out of it. Winter makes it worse. But if I let her just continue to slide, she will stop driving and going out of the house at all. Just the other day she had a crying fit because I wasn't going out to the store at a time that was convenient for her to come along. She's afraid to drive her 16 year old car (which I bought for her 16 years ago) and when I even so much as mention finding a newer used car for her, she refuses to talk about it. She's in complete ostrich mode sometimes (despite the fact that last year, the brakes on the old car failed while she was driving, she still doesn't want to get a different car even though it's falling apart and needs expensive repairs every year!)

 

(I can hear it now: "How about having her sign up for a senior citizens transport service?" No, because she can just wait until she can tag along with me to the store, see?)

 

As always, there is very little I can do to persuade, dissuade, suggest, or argue her down (which I don't do any more). She'll never listen to me because she's the "mother" and I'm "the daughter" and she will never, ever see me as having authority in anything.

 

BTW, my mom has always had pets - in fact, usually too many for her to handle. Only recently did she cut down to one - a cat. The cat has unfortunately begun to fall into the same behavioral ruts that she has, since she never goes anywhere or does anything, and they spend the day meowing/yelling at each other in a kind of feedback loop. (Our house has a yard, so walking a dog would not be required, they would use the yard.)

 

The last dog my mother had, wound up having a progressive disease of the spine which left the dog increasingly unable to walk. My mother was an ostrich about this situation also and, in the end, was literally carrying the dog around the house; the dog would lay helplessly in the living room pooping and peeing (no bowel control due to paralysis), which gave my mother "something to do" I suppose (since my mother cleaned it up promptly; she isn't a slob). No amount of gentle talking, arguing, coaxing, discussing, etc would convince my mother to have the poor animal put to sleep at a decent time. Cause, you know, she's a great animal lover, and I'm the daughter so I don't know anything.

 

The thing is, my mother didn't quite used to be like this. She would have animals put to sleep at a decent time when it was needed. As she gets older, her denial seems to deepen. I recently watched an old videotape of her from 20 years ago (before her mother died) and I was amazed at how much more "together" she seemed. I used to think it was my father leaving her that made her spiral into dependency, but now I think it was her mother dying mainly.

 

As for me, no support system still. My tendency is to want to avoid people who aren't helpful to me (which is pretty much everyone I know at work or family - they prefer to dump their problems on me and aren't interested in listening) but I honestly don't know where to find people I enjoy being around. (And honestly, do I want to suck any normal people into my abnormal family? If I ever brought another boyfriend home, she would glom onto him immediately.)

 

And the years roll on. I just concentrate on saving my money, not quitting my terrible job, and working on my art. It's a terrible market for artists or art careers though, so I don't have much hope of making any money off that, although I have had some commissions. I keep what I do largely hidden from my mother because her seeing my artwork seems to make her very upset.

Edited February 1, 2015 by NotKelly