MizzBlue72 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I think MM do get hurt / jealous. It's hard, you never ever want to hurt them. Some people in this forum will NOT understand this - but I do. This happened in the relationship that I was in. And - I was jealous too.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Then why, in many of these threads, does the "soulmate" go back home each night and sleep with their spouse ??? Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky, How many complain the lack of sex they get from their W's in the Marriage and Relationships forum on LS? You and I both know that lots of W's withhold sex from their H's for diverse reasons. I was being funny but apparently you couldn't take it lightly. And I was being serious when you truly love someone, you don't date someone else. GEL
Confused4Now Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 And I was being serious when you truly love someone, you don't date someone else. GELAmen to that....I just would feel like I'm cheating on my MW and maybe I'm stoopid for thinking that. But I was truly in love with my MW and to this day since NC...I've had opportunities to have sex and I've chosen not to. Yes I've gone on a couple of dates...but mostly to kill time and meet people. I had no intention of starting anything up. That's for sure.....
GreenEyedLady Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Amen to that....I just would feel like I'm cheating on my MW and maybe I'm stoopid for thinking that. But I was truly in love with my MW and to this day since NC...I've had opportunities to have sex and I've chosen not to. Yes I've gone on a couple of dates...but mostly to kill time and meet people. I had no intention of starting anything up. That's for sure..... I think the whole argument is kinda comical that some on here try to feed us. We are in love with our MP and want him to leave his M. Yet we are supposed to sleep with other people. We therefore put the BS's health in jeopardy along with the person we are in love with and ourselves. And why in the world would a MP leave their M for someone who is sleeping with someone else? Yeah, not going to happen. It seems like those advocating for dating while with your MM would like the OP to sleep with other people so that the MP definitely won't leave. That's just what I get out of it. I loved my H/then MM and I never dated when we were exclusive. I couldn't have done it. And spare me the he was married he's couldn't be exclusive with you. Think out of the box people. GEL
White Flower Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Well... unless the OW is married herself.. I would hope that all OWs DO date... otherwise she's wasting her life waiting for someone who might never be with her.. I do.. and they know it.. but they never ask any questions.. why would they mind.. they have someone.. it would be tremendously selfish if he demands his OW to be 'faithful'.. My MM from work will ask, from time to time, if I'm seeing someone, or if I go away on a trip, if I had sex.. I always tell him the truth.. if he can't handle it.. well too bad so sad.. I think that if a MM doesn't ask, it's not because he doesn't care.. it's more like he doesn't want to feel the pain of jealousy.. I completely concur with this. When I got my D, MM didn't seem to fear the idea of me dating and so one day I brought it up. I had no idea he had many thoughts on the subject. Men have this wonderful gift of compartmentalization and he was hard at work at it. As long as it was not discussed, it surely wasn't happening in his mind. He acknowledged that I was free to do what I needed to do and that he would love me as long as he had me...would love me long after if I left him for a SG, etc., but if I did want to exercise that need, that freedom, he simply did not want to know about it. He said this with tears in his eyes during an unplanned discussion. I really think some MM live in a fantasy world. Reality is just too hard, thus compartmentalization.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Mr. Lucky, How many complain the lack of sex they get from their W's in the Marriage and Relationships forum on LS? You and I both know that lots of W's withhold sex from their H's for diverse reasons. I was being funny but apparently you couldn't take it lightly. And I was being serious when you truly love someone, you don't date someone else. GEL And I was also trying to keep it light when I labelled the WS's conduct "inconsiderate". Perhaps I missed the mark . You can push all the "out of the box" details you want, but there is a basic contradiction in holding the OW/M to some concept of commitment or fidelity when the vast majority of WS's go home each night and climb into bed with their BS's. GEL, I'm glad things worked out for you, but the exception does not prove the rule... Mr. Lucky
GreenEyedLady Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 You can push all the "out of the box" details you want, but there is a basic contradiction in holding the OW/M to some concept of commitment or fidelity when the vast majority of WS's go home each night and climb into bed with their BS's. GEL, I'm glad things worked out for you, but the exception does not prove the rule... Mr. Lucky Infidelity is a whole contradiction, don't you agree? And you leave out so many WS's who don't go home to their BS's: those in the military, firefighting, representatives who must travel, people who don't work the traditional 9-5. Infidelity also has to do with proximity: if you aren't around your mate, you find someone else to confide in. And that's not always the case but it's often true. The problem is just exacerbated by not being together. We all draw on our experiences. But all of experiences are so different. Your experience tells you that MM don't leave their W's and just cheat for sex. My experience tells me that if MM are truly unhappy they do leave. And it's not for sex. It's for companionship, sex and love. Aren't these supposed to be the foundation of M too? That's why I think it's such a contradiction. I'm glad it worked out for us. We love each other and we're happy. But it's been a hard road. One we both felt was worth traveling (pertaining to the d and continuing the R). Not for the faint of heart though. GEL
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 We all draw on our experiences. But all of experiences are so different. Your experience tells you that MM don't leave their W's and just cheat for sex. My experience tells me that if MM are truly unhappy they do leave. And it's not for sex. It's for companionship, sex and love. Aren't these supposed to be the foundation of M too? I agree that many WS's eventually leave for the reasons you outline and that many eventually end up in better relationships, some with their AP's. But that doesn't change the level of cowardice it takes to explore one's sexual options while holding your spouse in abeyance as a back-up plan. No end result justifies that... Mr. Lucky
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I only had one MM who was jealous over stuff like that. He was unnecessarily possessive, and would make it clear. I also made it clear that I was not the 'monogamous' type and that he would have to get over it. We split and he found an OW who was the 'monogamous' type. Problem solved for all. For a while anyway. He is back with his W now, which for him is a good thing.
jj33 Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I agree that many WS's eventually leave for the reasons you outline and that many eventually end up in better relationships, some with their AP's. But that doesn't change the level of cowardice it takes to explore one's sexual options while holding your spouse in abeyance as a back-up plan. No end result justifies that... Mr. Lucky You are still missing the point. They are not always just "exploring their sexual options". It is equally cowardice to explore emotional options while they are still married, but the affairs arent always about sex. They become "taboo" when sex is involved but sex is not always the driving factor.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 You are still missing the point. They are not always just "exploring their sexual options". It is equally cowardice to explore emotional options while they are still married, but the affairs arent always about sex. You make a good point, I should have simply said "explore their options". And yes, it is equally wrong... Mr. Lucky
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I had a 'date' with this new guy on Monday... my MM saw me by the river with this guy... oh-oh... I got already about 5 emails in 2 days... asking me about this other guy... 'You got a new boyfriend?'... Who's that guy? ...etc..etc.. I think he's a little upset.. he hasn't talked much to me this week.. Oh well.. *shrug*... They have the nerve to get 'upset' if the OW is 'dating'..
Angel1111 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Look at it this way - if you were married and your MM was single, what do you think he'd do if you refused to leave your husband? I can save you the suspense - he'd dump you so fast for an available woman it would make your head swim. I know you won't listen because you're flattered by his jealously and think it means something. It does mean something - it means that he doesn't want you to sleep with anyone but him, but he doesn't want to change his life so that you can have a whole life with him. My xMM couldn't even deal with the idea of me dating someone, much less getting to the point of almost sleeping with someone else. And you know what? Five years down the road, I left him and he's still with his wife. So, no matter how great the love is, if a guy doesn't leave his marriage and if you're not ok with being the OW, then you're wasting your time with a married man.
Angel1111 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 It is equally cowardice to explore emotional options while they are still married, but the affairs arent always about sex. They become "taboo" when sex is involved but sex is not always the driving factor. Well said!
Owl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I had a 'date' with this new guy on Monday... my MM saw me by the river with this guy... oh-oh... I got already about 5 emails in 2 days... asking me about this other guy... 'You got a new boyfriend?'... Who's that guy? ...etc..etc.. I think he's a little upset.. he hasn't talked much to me this week.. Oh well.. *shrug*... They have the nerve to get 'upset' if the OW is 'dating'.. LOL...well, when you've deliberately kept your 'secondary profession' hidden from him, and staged things so that he wasn't aware of it, why would it surprise you that he thinks that the two of you have some kind of "real" emotional relationship? Remember, he dropped the "I love you" on you the other day. Why are you surprised that he's upset? Granted you never CLAIMED any kind of commitment...but how much has been IMPLIED by your actions and silences?
Author MizFit Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 LOL...well, when you've deliberately kept your 'secondary profession' hidden from him, and staged things so that he wasn't aware of it, why would it surprise you that he thinks that the two of you have some kind of "real" emotional relationship? Remember, he dropped the "I love you" on you the other day. Why are you surprised that he's upset? Granted you never CLAIMED any kind of commitment...but how much has been IMPLIED by your actions and silences? You're so right Owl...there's someone I could get close to and MM is now upset because his phone calls will revolve not only around his W, but could be around a potential partner for me. He's just realized that wanting me to proceed with a 'normal life' is going to put him squarely into second place. Today he told me he had to deal with it because there were no choices...I told him there were loads of choices, but he doesn't want to make the tough ones. If you've read the beginning of this thread, yes, things have escalated in the emotional department. I see tough decisions ahead...
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Look at it this way - if you were married and your MM was single, what do you think he'd do if you refused to leave your husband? I can save you the suspense - he'd dump you so fast for an available woman it would make your head swim. I know you won't listen because you're flattered by his jealously and think it means something. It does mean something - it means that he doesn't want you to sleep with anyone but him, but he doesn't want to change his life so that you can have a whole life with him. My xMM couldn't even deal with the idea of me dating someone, much less getting to the point of almost sleeping with someone else. And you know what? Five years down the road, I left him and he's still with his wife. So, no matter how great the love is, if a guy doesn't leave his marriage and if you're not ok with being the OW, then you're wasting your time with a married man. Ha-hem.. you haven't been following my threads.. it's OK... He wanted to leave his wife at one point.. I said no.. all my MMs know that I don't want them full time.. it's clear from the start.. He got really depressed about 2 years ago.. and wanted to leave everything behind and move in with me... I know this one is head over heels in love with me... he told me so many times.. I just don't want him to leave his family...
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 LOL...well, when you've deliberately kept your 'secondary profession' hidden from him, and staged things so that he wasn't aware of it, why would it surprise you that he thinks that the two of you have some kind of "real" emotional relationship? Remember, he dropped the "I love you" on you the other day. Why are you surprised that he's upset? Granted you never CLAIMED any kind of commitment...but how much has been IMPLIED by your actions and silences? This wasn't him... the one I'm just talking about now is my MM from work.. the other one I call my 'scout dad' because he is very much involved in scouts with his 3 young boys..
Angel1111 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Ha-hem.. you haven't been following my threads.. it's OK... /QUOTE] If you're fine with being the OW and don't want him to leave his wife, then great. I think I said that. But I get the impression that the OP is wasting her life by putting it on hold for this guy. It's a complete waste of time.
Devil Inside Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I'm very new to this forum and have spent the last 2 days going through many, many threads and posts of members I find interesting. I've found great discussions, advice and information. One thing I'm experiencing is this...I date other men and my MM knows it. He's absolutely fine until it gets to the point I may be ready to sleep with them. In theory he wants me to find a life of my own...in reality he can't deal with it well at all. Do other MM get jealous? I'm assuming that all, or most, OW do date and carry on looking for the way their life is going to continue...or is that an incorrect assumption? Thank you... When I was the MM I told my xOW that I had no right to tell her not to date...I mean I was M so who was I to tell her she couldn't see other people. She told me she couldn't and wouldn't. I admitted I would have been extremely jealous and hurt...even if I didn't have the right to be...I would have. Just another example of why As are so screwed up.
Recommended Posts