Should I forgive her?

[dg136]

Sorry this is so long but I feel like you guys need our whole story to give me accurate advise.

 

My story begins in college freshman year where I met her. She came talk to me after math class, I though she was beautiful. We talked a few times during that class but the semester was over and I didn't see her again for months. We later confessed to ourselves that all that time we kept trying to look for each other in different classes or in our dorms but we never coincided. Finally after a few months we saw each other walking on campus and she asked me if I could help her out with her homework. We discovered that we lived in the same dorm, we started hanging out together even though she had a long distance boyfriend. She said things were going badly with him and we kissed on night. She broke up with him the next day and told me she was confused. We still saw each other a couple of times as friends but we kept getting more and more attracted to each other. She became my girlfriend and the old boyfriend was out of the picture.

 

Her love for me started becoming strong quickly, she was infatuated with, she would do anything for me. I was kind of freaked out about it. Although I cared for her very much and I loved her, it wasn't the same love as she had for me. I kind of took her for granted. She was so in love.

 

We spent our entire college careers together. We were always together, we lived in the same apartment, we ate lunch together, we spent all our free time together, we had tons of fun and we never really got tired of each other. Her love for me kept growing, it was so strong that I could feel it all the time. I felt bad my love wasnt as strong as hers but I still deeply cared for her.

 

She was graduating before me. She applied to graduate programs close to my university since I still had 2 years to graduation. She went to school four hours away. We would visit each other 3 times a month in the weekends. It wasnt a good time for us, she was in a new place, she didnt have any friends, graduate school was a big difference. I tried to be as supportive as possible even though sometimes I thought she was going crazy because of her depressions and I didnt know how much I could handle living like that.

 

We spent a year living apart with our weekend visits. I started becoming friends with a girl in my class. My gf knew about her, she didnt like it cause she was very pretty. I told her she didnt need to worry, she was just a friend. I told her that even though I knew I was very attracted to her. I kept the friendship with the other girl but things started becoming bad. I became more attracted to this girl, we would go out and I would not answer my phone when my gf would call me. I started to think about breaking up with my gf to be with these other girl. My gf e-mailed the girl to confront her and to tell her to stay away. I took the other girls side and told my gf there was nothing going on. She was very hurt i took her side. She gave me an ultimatum and told me to completely break off any relationship with her. It took me a while, but I finally did. She was hurt that it took me that long to break it off with her. Things were never the same.

 

She promised herself that she would be more independent and her happyness wouldnt depend on me. She was gonna focus on school and her career. She realized that she could lose me so she separated herself from me. The love that I was used to feeling from her went down. I didnt feel like I was the most important thing in her life anymore, she was focused on her career and on herself. I didnt blame her.

 

Things got a little better after that. We continued our weekend visits and thought we were finally going to be together again when I graduated. We werent. I got offered a job 10 hours away from where she was. It was a dream job in a dream company. We decided together that the best thing was for me to take the job since it was what I had been working for all along.

 

I was very in love with her by this time. We had spent 5 years together and after I ended the relationship with the friend that I had met, I realized how important my gf was in my life. I couldnt live without her, she was the best person I could ever find. We talked about marriage. I proposed. We got engaged. My love grew so much after our engagement. I was crazy about her, I felt like I would do anything for her (the same feeling she had at the beginning of our relationship). Then I graduated.

 

I started work and I have been working here for 6 months. I noticed she was acting weird about 3 months ago. She said things werent the same, she said she felt no connection with me. I didnt feel anything was wrong. I was more in love with her than ever. I started asking what I could do to change. I tried everything for 3 months. She said things did get better. I started thinking she had find someone else because she seemed to not want to try to make our relationship work. I asked her if she had found someone...she repeatedly told me NO....she lied...

 

This past week I got an e-mail from the wife of her best friend. This is a friend that she has had in graduate school. They spent a lot of time together but I was never jealous of him cause he was married and she had told me nothing was going on so I trusted her. The e-mail from the wife said that they have been having a relationship for the last 7 months. THey spend time together, they started having sex 3 months ago. They would hide from both of us and lie to both of us. They told each other that they loved each other. I talked to my gf...it was all true, she admitted to everything. She told me she didnt tell me cause she didnt want to hurt me (the classic line). She told me that ever since I had that relationship with that girl she didnt feel so in-touch with me. She said she was extremely regretful... she tried to cut her wrist she was so regretful...I was so surprised I was completely in the dark from this. I was so hurt.

 

She came up to where I live to talk to me face to face the day after I found out. I was very calm. I knew that I had the same attractions towards another person and I understood her somewhat. She told me that he was just very supportive and that she doesnt know what happened. She says that the distance got to us. She wants to get our old relationship back. She says she hates him for what happened and that she loves me soooo much. We talked all day, we remembered all our 6 year relationship. We even laughed and got happy with all our memories. We have so much together. I realized it, for a second I even felt her old love was back with us.

 

Its been about 5 days since I found out, she's planning to take a break from school (which is seen really badly in her career) and she wants to move with me to get our relationship back. I want her back too, Im very hurt from her actions and the images of her with another man are very present. I feel like we need another chance to get back to what we were. I really think we can do it. Everybody always used to say we were the perfect couple, we never had fights and we were always so happy with each other. I feel like we've spent 2 and a half years apart with the hope of one day be together again and to have what we used to have. I think we at least owe ourselves to try to make it work. I dont want to lose her. But this is what my heart tells me. What she did was so bad, she had a relationship with this guy. On the other hand, I can feel she loves me and she is willing to give up her life to be with me. Should I forgive her? How am I ever going to trust her again? Will the images of him with another person go away with time?

[love2dance]

You two are both cheaters. You had an emotional affair with another woman and she had a physical one. If you think your relationship is worth saving, then you should both go to counseling to deal with the anger and trust issues between you two.

[AlektraClementine]

You two are both cheaters. You had an emotional affair with another woman and she had a physical one. If you think your relationship is worth saving, then you should both go to counseling to deal with the anger and trust issues between you two.

 

Exactly what my response was going to be.

 

Your emotional affair was no better than her physical one. Counseling could help but that's for the 2 of you to decide. Is the relationship worth enough to you to seek guidance from a professional? You won't be able to fix this on your own IMO because you have both sunken below your standards so there's no real healthy leader in this relationship to navigate through these tough times.

[dg136]

The relationship is worth saving.... we are perfect for each other and we both know it.... I think its the long distance that kind of ripped us apart and I think that by living together once again things could potentially go back to normal.

I thought about professional help if after a few months of living together things have not gotten better...

[soyou]

No matter what people say, if you guys still in love with each other, let's give each other a chance.

 

There are two options:

 

1. You dont forgive her, meaning you two break the 6 years relationship off: Your whole life, you will always wonder whether it might work out if you gave her a second chance. Next, you are still in love with her, it gives you pain and takes so much time to let go and forget

 

2. If you give her a second chance: If it works so, the images of her with another guy will be faded away by time and your and her bond become better and stronger, of course it will be very nice. However, if it does not work out, he will have a definate answer to your heart that you have tried, you have given a second chance but it just doesnt work out. All your life, you dont be bothered with the question "what if I gave her a second chance".

 

So what I can advise is to give her a second chance to see how things go. Indeed, it is hard to forget that she and another guy had physical contact but as love grows strong, things may fade away by time.

 

If you could find the book "99 things to not worry in life" (the tittle is not exactly like this), read it, you mind will be more calm & you will know what you can do for the best

[dg136]

soyou....thank you so much....that was such a great advice and really what i needed to hear....I will buy that book and read it....thanks again....

[lkjh]

Soyou, real life is not lie a made for lifetime movie. The images may fade but they wont go away.

 

She is a serial cheater, she has a habit of jumping from guy to guy. Just look at how your relationship started. Plus you really don't know what she has not told you. She used your friendship with that girl to justify her own affair. Give it some time, you just found out. What till the anger hits

 

 

It's up to you, but I would dump her.

[Jackson24]

...........................

[lostsunsets]

Give the relationship a chance. She is sacrificing for it, which makes it worth the effort.

[dg136]

Has anyone been through something like this and can say that the images will fade away with time?? I know they will never completely disappear and I am aware of that going into giving her a second chance....But I just don't know how im gonna kiss her/look at her or sleep with her ever again without thinking about it.....

[Dexter Morgan]

question was, can you trust her again?

 

well lets see...you make a habit of befriending girls that you find attractive, and you even took the side of a girl that you are attracted to when your gf called her up.

 

sorry, gotta scratch my head on this one. I think neither of you are to really be trusted.

 

maybe in the future, whether with her or with a different girl, you'll respect them and not have close female friends, specifically those to which you are attracted because you are just asking for trouble.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Exactly what my response was going to be.

Your emotional affair was no better than her physical one. Counseling could help but that's for the 2 of you to decide. Is the relationship worth enough to you to seek guidance from a professional? You won't be able to fix this on your own IMO because you have both sunken below your standards so there's no real healthy leader in this relationship to navigate through these tough times.

 

Bullcrap! A physical affair is on a completely different level.

 

It's one thing to think about doing something... it's another to actually do it. And with a married dude no less!

 

It's dumb to suggest an EA and a PA are even in the same ballpark.

 

Plus... I don't think we can even call what he did a full emotional affair.

 

The relationship is worth saving.... we are perfect for each other and we both know it.... I think its the long distance that kind of ripped us apart and I think that by living together once again things could potentially go back to normal.

I thought about professional help if after a few months of living together things have not gotten better...

 

Don't be Retarded. Not too long ago you were looking at dumping her. She is a crazy.

 

So if you talk to another girl... it's Ok for her to cheat on you? She lied to you for months, what makeds you think she is being honest now? You think the distance made the relationship hard, but distance doesnt make you cheat.

 

I know this is going to be hard, but you need to grow a pair and dump her.

[KittenGoPurr]

Has anyone been through something like this and can say that the images will fade away with time?? I know they will never completely disappear and I am aware of that going into giving her a second chance....But I just don't know how im gonna kiss her/look at her or sleep with her ever again without thinking about it.....

 

It will never go away, and going back to her and seeing her everyday will be a reminder of what she did to you. Images will constantly flash in your head of them together in bed. It wasn't just an affair they were having - it was a relationship. She lost her connection with you, she won't be able to get it back by moving. I know you love her and don't want to throw away a long term relationship, I know you both messed up and it hurts like a SOB, but you really need to figure out if she is worth all this pain. Plus the added risk of her cheating on you again. Good luck in whatever you do.

[AlektraClementine]

Bullcrap! A physical affair is on a completely different level.

 

It's one thing to think about doing something... it's another to actually do it. And with a married dude no less!

 

It's dumb to suggest an EA and a PA are even in the same ballpark.

 

Plus... I don't think we can even call what he did a full emotional affair.

 

 

Was the "bullcrap!" really necessary? In some worlds (maybe not yours), an EA is just as bad. I would be extremely hurt if someone I love got themselves emotionally attached to someone else. Sometimes I wonder if not more so than a physical, flash-in-the-pan tryst. Emotional connections, to me, are sacred. No excuse for her behavior whatsoever but I'd be willing to bet that his EA left her hurting for a long time. Again, NO EXCUSE for what she did to him but what he did to her probably hurt like hell.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Was the "bullcrap!" really necessary? In some worlds (maybe not yours), an EA is just as bad. I would be extremely hurt if someone I love got themselves emotionally attached to someone else. Sometimes I wonder if not more so than a physical, flash-in-the-pan tryst. Emotional connections, to me, are sacred. No excuse for her behavior whatsoever but I'd be willing to bet that his EA left her hurting for a long time. Again, NO EXCUSE for what she did to him but what he did to her probably hurt like hell.

 

Your right... the bullcrap was not necessary. Sorry about that.

 

I draw a distinct line between thoughts and actions, however I can respect the fact that you feel different.

 

The biggest issue here is that I don't think what he did even qualifies as an emotional affair. It was an inappropriate friendship to be sure, but not really an EA.

 

So, to put this story in perspective;

1. She gets all depressed because of her new surroundings, then takes it out on her BF which him away.

2. BF has a female friend that he starts hanging out with.

3. She gets crazy jealous and demands and end to the friendship, going so far as to email the other girl.

4. Once she gets done controlling her BF, and he proposes, she begins cheating on him with a married guy... effective wrecking his family too.

 

I'm sorry, but this girl is just horrible, and you should not identify with her just because she is female.

 

If I was in this poor guys place, I would start looking for a nice mentally stable girl. This one is Sick and Twisted.

[dg136]

It will never go away, and going back to her and seeing her everyday will be a reminder of what she did to you. Images will constantly flash in your head of them together in bed. It wasn't just an affair they were having - it was a relationship. She lost her connection with you, she won't be able to get it back by moving. I know you love her and don't want to throw away a long term relationship, I know you both messed up and it hurts like a SOB, but you really need to figure out if she is worth all this pain. Plus the added risk of her cheating on you again. Good luck in whatever you do.

 

Is this from personal experience or is this just what you think may happen?

[lkjh]

Your right... the bullcrap was not necessary. Sorry about that.

 

I draw a distinct line between thoughts and actions, however I can respect the fact that you feel different.

 

The biggest issue here is that I don't think what he did even qualifies as an emotional affair. It was an inappropriate friendship to be sure, but not really an EA.

 

So, to put this story in perspective;

1. She gets all depressed because of her new surroundings, then takes it out on her BF which him away.

2. BF has a female friend that he starts hanging out with.

3. She gets crazy jealous and demands and end to the friendship, going so far as to email the other girl.

4. Once she gets done controlling her BF, and he proposes, she begins cheating on him with a married guy... effective wrecking his family too.

 

I'm sorry, but this girl is just horrible, and you should not identify with her just because she is female.

 

If I was in this poor guys place, I would start looking for a nice mentally stable girl. This one is Sick and Twisted.

 

 

I agree. First off what he did was not a EA. Second it was defiantly not as bad as having sex with a married person. Not even on the same level.

[Jackson24]

I have been in a somewhat similiar situation and by weird circumstances am again.. anyway the images go away after time, truly, and when they do occasionally pop up, they dont have as much hurt behind them... If you get back together, and you see she truly loves you with that love u say u began to feel from before, than that is what makes the hurt/images go away and thats how trust is restored.. But she has to show you love and willingness to restore the relationship to its former state, if you get back with her and u dont feel this from her, then its best to get out!!! But theres only one way to find out right?

[AlektraClementine]

"My gf knew about her, she didnt like it cause she was very pretty. I told her she didnt need to worry, she was just a friend. I told her that even though I knew I was very attracted to her. I kept the friendship with the other girl but things started becoming bad. I became more attracted to this girl, we would go out and I would not answer my phone when my gf would call me. I started to think about breaking up with my gf to be with these other girl. My gf e-mailed the girl to confront her and to tell her to stay away. I took the other girls side and told my gf there was nothing going on. She was very hurt i took her side. She gave me an ultimatum and told me to completely break off any relationship with her. It took me a while, but I finally did. She was hurt that it took me that long to break it off with her. Things were never the same."

 

 

How's this NOT an EA. His attraction grew for her to the point that he considered breaking up with his GF for her. He ignored phone calls from his GF when he was with the other woman. He lied to his girlfriend and told her nothing was going on when there clearly was. Essentially, making his GF feel like she was probably nuts for making a fuss about her. He even goes so far as to say that the reason his GF was initially against this friendship was because the other woman was pretty! When in reality, she was right. Her instincts were dead-on.

 

She cheated on him. Shame on her. He (IMO) cheated on her too. Just not with his penis. I realize that to some, these aren't the same thing. I really do respect that. But where is the line then for you in your relationships. I know that it would absolutely devastate me if my fiance were chumming around with another girl, ignoring my phone calls. Blowing off my intuition. Then ultimately, taking the side of the other woman over me.

 

The reason that I suggest he also take a look at himself is because if he did this once in a commited relationship, he will probably do it again. And at what point does his EA cross the line into sex.

 

I went through something similar recently where I got attracted to this other guy. I took it very seriously and ended the friendship with the other man and came clean about the not-so-innocent nature of the friendship to my fiance. These things don't stay emotional forever. Eventually, they are more likely to turn physical. Problem is, some people think it's harmless and not as bad as sex. That's dangerous.

 

I'm getting off topic though. haha.

[Untouchable_Fire]

"My gf knew about her, she didnt like it cause she was very pretty. - This shows his GF was insecure and controlling from the start.

I told her she didnt need to worry, she was just a friend. I told her that even though I knew I was very attracted to her. I kept the friendship with the other girl but things started becoming bad. I became more attracted to this girl, we would go out and I would not answer my phone when my gf would call me. - There have been MANY times when I did not answer my phone... that doesn't mean it is an EA.

I started to think about breaking up with my gf to be with these other girl. My gf e-mailed the girl to confront her and to tell her to stay away.

I took the other girls side and told my gf there was nothing going on. She was very hurt i took her side. - While his emotions here are inappropriate, this does not qualify as an emotional affiar. There was no exchange of mutual feelings and no plans to run off together, both hallmarks of real Emotional Affiars. This at worst was an Innappropriate Friendship.

She gave me an ultimatum and told me to completely break off any relationship with her. It took me a while, but I finally did. She was hurt that it took me that long to break it off with her. Things were never the same."

- This is a control issue, not an emotional affair problem. The absolute proof of this, is the fact that shortly thereafter she begins cheating as punishment to his rebellion against her control of his friendships.

 

That is not meant to seem like I am yelling. It's just the best way I can think of to dissect his wording in your quote.

 

She cheated on him. Shame on her. He (IMO) cheated on her too. Just not with his penis. I realize that to some, these aren't the same thing. I really do respect that. But where is the line then for you in your relationships. I know that it would absolutely devastate me if my fiance were chumming around with another girl, ignoring my phone calls. Blowing off my intuition. Then ultimately, taking the side of the other woman over me.

The reason that I suggest he also take a look at himself is because if he did this once in a commited relationship, he will probably do it again. And at what point does his EA cross the line into sex.

I went through something similar recently where I got attracted to this other guy. I took it very seriously and ended the friendship with the other man and came clean about the not-so-innocent nature of the friendship to my fiance. These things don't stay emotional forever. Eventually, they are more likely to turn physical. Problem is, some people think it's harmless and not as bad as sex. That's dangerous.

 

Alectra, I know you went through this to a degree. I feel you handled it perfectly, I think that shows that you are a great person, and that your man is very lucky!

 

I just try to take each person's story in context... and from what I see of his GF's personality... it does not say good things about her. I think she has massive insecurity issues, which is why she acts so needy and controlling. That drives him away... so while he may be prone to innapropriate friendships... it will probably be only while dating this one girl. It also says something about her personality that she decides that it is Ok to cheat because he is talking to other women. There is something massively wrong with that.

 

So... In conclusion, while I would typically agree with you. I do not in this particular case because the reason he started getting more attracted to this other woman was not because he felt they shared something special, but instead because his GF is crazy, controlling, and does not really love him.

 

You can push your man into the arms of another woman. I've experienced that first hand.

[AlektraClementine]

You make an excellent point. She does sound a bit needy and controlling.

 

I would just like to see more people take responsibility for their little "friendships". In my perfect world it should go like this:

 

-GF is a needy controlling soul-sucker

-BF breaks up with her

-Newly single guy dates a girl a little more sure of herself and less controlling of him.

 

Instead it goes:

 

-GF is a needy controlling soul-sucker

-BF gets interested in another girl but doesn't break it off with Needy Soul-Sucker for whatever reason. Wish I knew

-Ends up demoralizing himself at the same time he hurts another person.

 

We're all in charge of our own behavior. I just feel like he could have gotten away "clean" in this. Instead, he dirtied himself up by excusing his attraction for another woman, blaming it on his needy and controlling GF. GF didn't cause the attraction. She caused him to feel controlled. He acted out. That's on him.

 

But at the end of the day, I really do get your point. We're not all perfect. We're not robots, after all. And I'll be the first to admit that when I did what I did, it was only after my fiance had gotten himself involved in a great many inappropriate friendships. So in a way, I excused mine in the early stages as "he's done this to me many times, he basically deserves for me to take a fancy to a male friend". I woke up, though and ended it. Two wrongs don't make a right, yada yada.

 

My intent is not to bash this poor guy who got screwed (literally) around on. But to open his eyes a little to his not-so-innocent behavior.

 

BTW - UF, again.. you are a pleasure to debate with! So mature!

[samsungxoxo]

I agree. First off what he did was not a EA. Second it was defiantly not as bad as having sex with a married person. Not even on the same level.

Ok I was too gonna say the same thing. Even if it was an EA, least you're not having full blown sex with someone else, yuk, performing something intimate that you should only do it with your partner you claimed to love only to do it with someone else, digusting.

 

Then it's not like she actually confess on her own, HE HAD TO PRESSURE HER INTO IT. She got caught in the lies, plus think about all the lies she would say over and over again until she knew she couldn't get away with it.

 

So what happens if there is yet another conflict and/or the long distance thing, will she solve the problem again by screwing another man?? So for every problem equals screwing guys.

[dg136]

You guys are taking it a little off-topic. We both did wrong...I know that what I had with the other girl was inappropriate and I stopped it and I changed... and she noticed the change.... What she did was a lot worse...also a mistake but I feel like I can forgive her if she changes.... We have been talking about it for the past few days and remembering all our memories and we have been happy....She is coming next week to spend a month together to see how we feel.... I dont think a month will be enough to cure it but we both think that our relationship was worth so much that we at least have to give it a chance....we decided not to talk for this entire week so we can think by ourselves about the whole situation.... I miss her so much....I feel like I have more pain from missing and the possibility of losing her than from what she actually did.... Is this normal? I keep wondering to myself why I never got extremely angry at the situation.... my sadness mainly comes from fear of losing her... its such a bad situation... I'm in this new place with no friends on no one to talk to.... she was my only support system...I miss her so much

[Untouchable_Fire]

You guys are taking it a little off-topic. We both did wrong...I know that what I had with the other girl was inappropriate and I stopped it and I changed... and she noticed the change.... What she did was a lot worse...also a mistake but I feel like I can forgive her if she changes.... We have been talking about it for the past few days and remembering all our memories and we have been happy....She is coming next week to spend a month together to see how we feel.... I dont think a month will be enough to cure it but we both think that our relationship was worth so much that we at least have to give it a chance....we decided not to talk for this entire week so we can think by ourselves about the whole situation.... I miss her so much....I feel like I have more pain from missing and the possibility of losing her than from what she actually did.... Is this normal? I keep wondering to myself why I never got extremely angry at the situation.... my sadness mainly comes from fear of losing her... its such a bad situation... I'm in this new place with no friends on no one to talk to.... she was my only support system...I miss her so much

 

Is she the best you can do? Seriously? That woman is the best you can hope for in life? This is your one chance to move on and find a healthy relationship.

 

Truth: She cheated on you because she has ZERO respect for you. She does not love you and does not value you. Otherwise she would never have risked your relationship.

 

I think your Co-Dependent, and terrified of having to go out and find someone else. That is why you frightened that the thought of losing her and not angry at what she did.

 

So here are your choices. Take whatever pride and self respect you have left and swallow it, to take your GF back. OR... Go out and make healthy friendships, find a woman that won't F*** married guys behind your back when you don't answer the phone.

 

Your call.

[Dexter Morgan]

Your emotional affair was no better than her physical one.

 

physical affairs are worse, but not by much.