now_what Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Ok, so I've accepted that my ex didn't love and want to be with me anymore after 30 years. He cheated, he left me, he divorced me, he married the other woman. But now, I can see him slowly drifting away from our children (26, 23, 16) and grandchildren (6 and 8 mo.) He was too "busy" to attend our son's college graduation, our older daughter called him a couple of weeks ago wanting to get together with him - he said he'd get back with her but has not, and now he is seeing our younger daughter fewer and fewer times - he has not seen her since the beginning of May and has called her only one time in between. I'm not sure what to do - tell him he is alienating his children by having little or no contact with them? Ask his mother to discuss the matter with him - explaining that the kids would like more contact from their dad? Just stay out of it? I don't want them to be hurt, but what can I do? He claims the kids mean the world to him and he is so proud of them. But then again it's summer and there is a poker run or a bike weekend basically every weekend and he is taking full advantage of that. Gotta keep his biker wife happy. He claims where he lives he has no cell phone reception and will not give us his house phone number. So basically if you want to speak with him you have to call him during business hours Monday - Friday. Otherwise forget it. I don't understand why he is doing this or why he can't see what is happening. His dad did the same thing to him when he was about 14, leaving him and his mom and sister to go off with another woman and start a new family. He never quite got over that hurt and basically had nothing to do with his dad after he left. Why would he repeat the pattern?
Ronni_W Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Hey, now. That's a good idea to ask Grandma to have a chat with him...don't expect anything to change, though. From where I'm sitting, the very best that you can do for your children is to just tell them that you can't explain his behaviour but you are 100% certain that he does, and will always, love them deeply...even when his words or actions do not show it. You can give your children that sense of being loved without any input from him. They will love and appreciate you more for it, and will, in any case, soon enough make their assessments and decisions about how he fits (or does NOT fit) into their lives. You will make yourself insane trying to get into his head and understand what is driving/motivating him. Please don't do it! -- your children need at least ONE sane parent, yes? Big hugs.
NopeNah Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Your children will form their own opinion of him. There's nothing you can say that will change his behaviour or the way they view him and his actions. I guess a chat with his mother *might* do something but, he's a grown man afterall.
Author now_what Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 You would think a 53 year old man would be a grown man, but I have my doubts anymore. He called on Thursday and left a voice mail for our 16 year old saying he wanted to get together with her on Saturday or Sunday. She left him a voice mail on Friday that Sunday was best for her, but she did not hear from him again. I don't know why he didn't call. She said he was probably busy riding and she said she didn't really want to say anything, but she thought her dad was selfish. I know he won't be around next weekend - there is a bike weekend next week. And how do I know? For some reason , a letter of some sort from a hotel in the area came to me. And thinking back to last year, he went to a bike weekend, in the same location. What is funny though is that he was supposed to go to a bike weekend in Kentucky, but somehow wound up in Pennsylvania. And according to his cheating timetable, he said he started seeing biker chick in July, so he was probably in Pennsylvania with her at the "Roar at the Shore". They can shack up in their little love nest and celebrate their one year anniversary as a couple. He never planned anything with me, I did all the planning. Now he has a little woman who hangs on his every word, and opens credit accounts in his name, and leaves disgusting hickies on his neck. It must be true love. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he did not get the voice mail for some reason, but you would think he would try again since he has not seen her for so long.
Ronni_W Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Now, I have a cartoon posted in my office in which a woman is saying, "Ha-Ha! You tried to disappointment but you can't...because I drastically lowered my own expectations." She has a bit of a crazed look about her...as if this is her sanity-saving measure. Your 16-year old has it right -- she appears to be acknowledging his current behaviour and thus will be able to make adjustments in her own expectations so that she won't feel the disappointment as acutely. Your ex has not displayed any desire or interest to live up to others' expectations or values; and it's even questionable if he has any self-expectations or recognition that he might have some responsibilities and obligations to his kids. Right now, he does not seem to be valuing those relationships as much as you want him to. Can you possibly see your way clear to drastically lowering your own expectations for him? He won't live up to them, and you'll keep being disappointed by them. I know it's tough. BIG hugs.
Author now_what Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Hi Ronni: That cartoon sounds pretty good. And you know I have been trying to do that with other things in my life other than my ex. I guess I've been lowering what I have expected from myself - for just a bit at least - so I don't feel like a failure. Just realizing that maybe at this time in my life I can't do as much as I used to or do things as thoroughly as I might have in the past. To be fair to my ex - did I really say that - he emailed me today saying he blew it over the weekend with our daughter. He did not get her voice mail until it was too late and felt bad that she was expecting him to get in touch with her yesterday. He apologized to me for screwing things up over the weekend and then called her and talked for quite a while and made definite plans for next Sunday. That did make me feel better and elevated him just the smallest amount in my eyes. I didn't think he had sunk that low yet, to blow her off. But he has been full of surprises lately, so you just never know.
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