AlektraClementine Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Someone posted a thread soliciting praise about our partners to break up the monotony of all of the complaining. And my response made me think ofstarting a thread. I see a lot of women on this board asking for advice about men who don't call, respond to calls, don't text back in a timely manner, men who don't seem to show enough interest or affection. This almost always leads them to beg the question, is he interested? Before I met my current SO, I think I had a lot of those same questions. I'd like to send some advice out into the universe here. Men, feel free to corroborate or criticize my findings. Men who are genuinely interested in you DON'T MAKE YOU HAVE TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS! Read that again. What I've learned from my (now) fiance, is just that. He always called when he said he would. He didn't wait to ask me out on dates. He didn't play any games to mess with my head. He not only told me in many ways that he was interested, he SHOWED me. By showing up. By keeping in touch with me. By continuing to do all those little things that hooked me in the beginning. I have never really had to ask myself, "Is he into me"? I think if you measure all of your dating partners by this standard, you stand a chance of taking something long term. Stop falling for men who make you wait with baited breath for confirmation of their slightly luke-warm feelings. If he likes you, you WILL know it. If he doesn't, you will constantly question where things are going. I know this seems like tired advice. But it's evident that people don't pay much attention to it's truth. Comments?
Lucky_One Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 It amazes me how afraid everyone is. They're afraid to call too soon, text too much, kiss too soon, have sex too soon, have sex too late. No one knows if they should call a girl and ask her out, or should a girl call a guy to confirm a time of a date. Everyone is so afraid to make the first move because they think they will make the wrong move, that no one makes any moves at all! How in the heck did anyone date/screw/get married before LC existed, huh?
Lucky_One Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 And yes. I agree with your post! If he likes you or she likes you, you will know it. Trust your instincts and what you see and feel!
carhill Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Yep, I've been patiently and steadily doing that for over 30 years now (as an adult). I think, in a lot of ways, women go after what they want, just like men do. If they want stability, they go after that; if they want drama, they go after that. Some always go for the former; some always for the latter. Some change their perspective, often many times, in their lifetime. For me, the catharsis was not taking the drama queens personally, like I did in my 20's and early 30's. They have their path and I have mine. I would surmise they knew that, as they blew by I would say, in some ways, being a 'rescuer' as a man is just as unhealthy as being a drama seeker as a woman. Both perspectives apparently lead to unfulfilling relationships. As hard as it is for me to change my perspective as a rescuer, I would expect it to be equally hard for a woman to change her perspective as a drama seeker. Fair enough
Author AlektraClementine Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Carhill, you raise an excellent point. Perhaps it's less about not understanding the notion that if he likes you, you'll know and more about the notion that maybe these ladies (and men but for the purposes of this thread I'm calling the girls out) are in some way, addicted to drama and deep down aren't ready for something healthy and loving and "real".
Thaddeus Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Women chasing the "wrong" guys (and I use the term in quotes, because what may be wrong for one may be right for another) is an age-old tradition and has been a frustration for "good guys" for millennia. There's this image of the "bad boy" that is, for some reason, extremely appealing to women. These women bypass good, decent, honorable men because they don't see the level of excitement that a bad boy may provide. Then, when the woman finally gets involved with a bad boy, and he's true to his colors and treats her like dirt (this happens ALL the time) then the woman complains that there are no good men around. Meanwhile, she's just dismissed all those good men because they weren't "edgy" enough. This is SO common that it's become cliche. I worked in the prison system for a while. You want a "bad boy"? Go hang out by the prison on release days. Guys, of course, aren't any different. Lots of men will pass up really decent and warm women because they don't fit the exact body style that they see in magazines and whatnot. (I will admit I've done this myself, and missed out on some wonderful opportunities with some amazing women. My loss, lesson learned.)
Intricategirl Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Ha! I had been thinking of starting this exact same kind of thread, but you managed it much more elegantly than I would have. The guy I'm seeing now, there is no confusion. There are no questions. And if the relationship ever ends, it's going to be really tough for the next guy(s), because they're going to have to measure up to the same standard. I never have to wonder when he's going to call, or what he means when he does. I never have to feel jealous when he says he's going out, or worry that he's looking for someone better. And I never have to wonder whether he cares about me because he continues to show that he does. With every other guy in the past that I've ever dated, these things have not been in place. And it made me realize- that's exactly how it should be, and I'm not going to settle for anything less ever again. As a more difficult revelation, I also realized that, as harsh as it sounds, if you have to ask those questions or wonder where it's going, you're not with the right person. That's not to say you can't have a long relationship with them. I was married for 13 years to the wrong guy, and constantly wondered what he thought or meant. But if I had known now what I did then, I wouldn't have even gone out on a second date with him. lol I guess, if I'm going to be brutally honest, the dating boards here depress me as much as the separation boards do, because I see so many people fighting to make something work, when it should be easy.
Lucky_One Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 People watch too much reality TV, and it makes them think that drama is the only way to go. Excitement junkies.
Author AlektraClementine Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 So the point here is, if you aren't chasing the Good Guys, no one wants to hear you complain about not getting called back or complain when you get cheated on or complain when he's not showing you the amount of affection you'd like. That's just par for the course when you chase an image instead of a stand-up human being. I asked my fiance out on our first date. Why? We had many mutual friends and for years, all I heard from them was that he was the most wonderful guy they knew. Not a bad word was ever spoken about him. Something clicked in me and I just knew I should go for him.
Trialbyfire Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I mostly agree with what you're saying AC. The only addendum I can add, is that the kind of man you're describing leans towards alpha qualities, where he's secure within himself enough to be direct with his emotions. What it doesn't encompass, are the insecure men.
Author AlektraClementine Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 I mostly agree with what you're saying AC. The only addendum I can add, is that the kind of man you're describing leans towards alpha qualities, where he's secure within himself enough to be direct with his emotions. What it doesn't encompass, are the insecure men. Good point. Weird thing is, my guy isn't really Alpha. I'd say I'm the Alpha in the relationship. He's not a doormat by any means. Just not in his nature to ROAR. haha. He's somewhat insecure. He's a bigger guy and has always felt some confidence issues where that's concerned. But on the whole, he likes himself and he respects people. Enough not to toy around with game playing. I'd love some more input from you on this though. Could you elaborate?
Trialbyfire Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Good point. Weird thing is, my guy isn't really Alpha. I'd say I'm the Alpha in the relationship. He's not a doormat by any means. Just not in his nature to ROAR. haha. He's somewhat insecure. He's a bigger guy and has always felt some confidence issues where that's concerned. But on the whole, he likes himself and he respects people. Enough not to toy around with game playing. I'd love some more input from you on this though. Could you elaborate?Perhaps your man is a combination of alpha-beta. Perhaps you also gave him the feeling of being secure in your emotions which allowed him to express himself clearly.
BenThereDunThat Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I grew out of pining for the bad boy a long time ago. Maturity has a lot to do with it. And you're right. When someone is interested in you, you will know it. You won't need to ask these questions.
Thaddeus Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 When someone is interested in you, you will know it. You won't need to ask these questions. Oh, I don't know about that. Neither men or women can read minds. I know that I've been blind-sided by a woman who finally admitted she was interested in me, but I had no idea whatsoever. Could be that I just wasn't catching the signals or it could be that she just hid it very well, but the fact remains that I didn't pick up on it.
Author AlektraClementine Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Oh, I don't know about that. Neither men or women can read minds. I know that I've been blind-sided by a woman who finally admitted she was interested in me, but I had no idea whatsoever. Could be that I just wasn't catching the signals or it could be that she just hid it very well, but the fact remains that I didn't pick up on it. This is true. My fiance had NO clue that I was interested in him. But for the purposes of this thread, I mean to fast forward from interest to dating. When you're dating or seeing someone already, it's very easy to gauge the interest level.
BenThereDunThat Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Oh, I don't know about that. Neither men or women can read minds. I know that I've been blind-sided by a woman who finally admitted she was interested in me, but I had no idea whatsoever. Could be that I just wasn't catching the signals or it could be that she just hid it very well, but the fact remains that I didn't pick up on it. That's probably more common in the 'woman interested in man' scenario. In my experience, when a guy is interested in a girl, there is no question. Unless he's really, really shy and she has to be more agressive. Again, a lot of it has to do with maturity. I was so stupid about men when I was in my 20s. I'm not much smarter at 40 , but I don't waste any energy on men who may or may not be interested in me. Like the latest object of my affection - I've discovered he can only manage to contact me when he's traveling. It's happened twice now. That's it, case closed, he's been removed from my phone and I will not be responding to him again. Stings a little but I am by no means devastated.
Author AlektraClementine Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Like the latest object of my affection - I've discovered he can only manage to contact me when he's traveling. It's happened twice now. That's it, case closed, he's been removed from my phone and I will not be responding to him again. Stings a little but I am by no means devastated. Right there. That's what I'm talking about. When you notice these little trends, get rid of 'em!
BenThereDunThat Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Right there. That's what I'm talking about. When you notice these little trends, get rid of 'em! You got it - DTMFA and move on! (dump the mother f*cker already)
paddington bear Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Women going after the wrong guys doesn't necessarily mean women go after the 'bad boys'. But I do think it's true, that so many women go after the unobtainable. But men have a role to play in this too, they fill you full of s**t, tell you you are lovely and wonderful and flirt with you and then don't call. Takes two to tango. We can't all be that stupid, running after people who obviously don't want us. If it was made clear from the offset that there was no interest there, none of the confusion would arise in the first place. So there!!! However, I have noticed this trend in myself. If there's an emotionally unavailable, damaged man that needs fixing out there somewhere I will gravitate towards him totally unconsciously, even when I'm thinking to myself 'this one is not like the others' and he always turns out to be the same. Read somewhere that if you've got hurt in the past by members of the opposite sex that you put up invisible barriers to those who are available, thinking you won't get hurt. But you open those barriers to those who aren't available thinking you can't get hurt as they don't really want you. Then of course you do get hurt because you get rejected, and thus you prove to yourself that you were always right, that relationships hurt and should be avoided and thus the cycle starts again. Guess the answer to that is to let the barriers down with those who seem interested and genuine as you're less likely to get hurt in the long run.
You'reasian Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Someone posted a thread soliciting praise about our partners to break up the monotony of all of the complaining. And my response made me think ofstarting a thread. I see a lot of women on this board asking for advice about men who don't call, respond to calls, don't text back in a timely manner, men who don't seem to show enough interest or affection. This almost always leads them to beg the question, is he interested? Before I met my current SO, I think I had a lot of those same questions. I'd like to send some advice out into the universe here. Men, feel free to corroborate or criticize my findings. Men who are genuinely interested in you DON'T MAKE YOU HAVE TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS! Read that again. What I've learned from my (now) fiance, is just that. He always called when he said he would. He didn't wait to ask me out on dates. He didn't play any games to mess with my head. He not only told me in many ways that he was interested, he SHOWED me. By showing up. By keeping in touch with me. By continuing to do all those little things that hooked me in the beginning. I have never really had to ask myself, "Is he into me"? I think if you measure all of your dating partners by this standard, you stand a chance of taking something long term. Stop falling for men who make you wait with baited breath for confirmation of their slightly luke-warm feelings. If he likes you, you WILL know it. If he doesn't, you will constantly question where things are going. I know this seems like tired advice. But it's evident that people don't pay much attention to it's truth. Comments? The reason why it worked out between the two of you is because you both happened to be ready and capable of being in a relationship. I agree with what you are saying. Have had some girlfriends that were awesome and there was no doubt in my mind that we were into each other through and through If you're trying to communicate with someone and they aren't responding, then something is wrong with them.
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