jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I was involved with someone several years ago. We still work together. We have no contact other than as required for work. Its been a whole saga not worth repeating again now. But the current status is I have decided that fighting over things is a waste of time. He is married and our we dont need to have any contact other than for work. Now he has decided that IM is the best way for us to communicate. (WTF? as if phone email and text doesnt give him enough options). I know I sound like I am 12 even getting upset about it, but isnt IM for people who want to have virtual conversations? Seems to me IM is for friends and we are not friends. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I accepted the invitation because its easier than fighting over it (i finally figured out that fighting only means more communication). My first thought was its a "secret" way of communicating, but there is nothing secret about our communications. There that couldnt be be miscontrued in any way by his W or his coworkers, so what is the point? And no he is not trying to reignite the A. He knows that would never happen EVER. Business shouldnt be conducted through IM. So he IMs me and I respond on email. And its not like he is going to use IM to tell me that he is leaving his W (after all these years...). WTF is he playing at?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Is this an office IM system? If not, I would block him or even go as far as uninstalling it on your workstation and tell him (or not) that you decided IM'ing at work is improper. Or anonymously ask your IT dept if it is something that is acceptable or not (hopefully not) and let them take care of it. We have an inter-office IM of which I am sure is abused (I can hear the clackety-clack of typing and then a bunch of giggling from certain areas of the office).
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 I thought of that MWC. But the easier thing was just to say uh huh in the end. Otherwise its just weeks of back and forth. This way I said why he said because x I said OK and its over. If I had said no we would still be discussing the why and why not... which is not productive but which is what he wants. More communication. I think hes losing it. Why in the world would it matter. And he owns the company so he can do whatever he wants... there is no "boss" to tell but him. I think what bugs me so much is if he was saying I miss you I am leaving it would be one thing but hes not. So why the need for secrecy?
Athena Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Hmm, a strange thing for him to want to communicate with you by IM. Years ago, when it came out, H and I signed up for it, and I quickly found out that by 'hovering' my pointer arrow over his name, it would show if he was "Idle" and for how long... and that gave me more information... such as when he said he'd go off to lunch for an hour, but around lunch time his computer (which he works on all day) was "Idle" for three hours, and I would suspect an afternoon with his OW at his apartment across the road from his work place... So... jj... even just from that aspect, I hate IM'ing cuz it's a way for pple to keep tabs on you. And -- your xOM probably likes it because it is 'instant', and of course he wants to hang onto you in any way he can... I understand why you installed it, but perhaps its time to un-install it... think up an excuse, like my H did -- he said the running of that 'interfered with the running of his software that he needed' (yeah, right )... so maybe you can say something similar to get it off. However, I sense that that alone is not the extent of your being affected. It seems to me that you don't understand why he is 'appearing' interested, when it is all over... I think for him it is difficult to want to let you go completely. Don't forget he has been a Cake Eater for all this time he had both you and his W & M... he likes having it all. Perhaps in his mind he has secretly thought it's only a matter of time before you come around -- even if just as a FRIEND. He likes you. Maybe not enough to give up what else he likes in his life, such as his married lifestyle and assets and united family, but certainly enough to want to be able to communicate with you. I think for MM, being married, and being a man in an affair, allows for him to have set up the affair of old with an underlying expectation of it ending at some time, and who knows -- perhaps this helped insulate his heart and he is not as badly affected by the break up as you were. He would like to keep in instant communication with you, cuz he likes you! You do not want to rekindle your feelings for him, and you should stay away from easy access like that. His words/written or spoken, are lethal to your heartstrings, so the more distance you keep between him and you, the safer your heart will be.
Athena Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 PS: H said that the running of the IM program slowed down his software program needed for work... funny how that only became important a few months later, after he realized it was almost like spyware, in that it allowed me to keep tabs of whether he was at work or not... working late at night, or not... working weekends or not... taking extended lunchbreaks or not...
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks Athena. Its on a handheld device not my computer so I dont think it allows him to keep tabs on me. And you are right Athena. Its the fact that he would even ask. Why cant we just email when we need to? And why does he get so apoplectic when I try to limit his contact with me. Its been over for years. If I havent come around by now, Im not going to (and I am not). Just like I dont expect him to make any changes in his life after all this time (at least not because of me). It adds absolutely nothing, we dont communicate with each other any more quickly than we would if we were emailing... And he made such a big deal of it asking me why I hadnt accepted his invitation to include me as a contact explaining how to find it on the device - he wasnt content to just let it go when I ignored it. It does bug me because I feel like he is sending mixed messages when he does things like this. I know it doesnt mean anything in the scheme of what is important. But I dont like the fact that I have asked him to leave me alone and instead he finds new ways to contact me.
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Really it doesnt change my life in any way having it on there it just bugs me because its just another thing, just another tie. And it signfies a personal relationship that doesnt exist - that not how you do business. But its not worth fighting with him. Fighting only leads to wasted energy and more communication. And really it doesnt change my life at all.
Athena Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 But I dont like the fact that I have asked him to leave me alone and instead he finds new ways to contact me. I think HE doesn't like the fact that you have asked him to leave you alone -- he needs attention. Does he ever get flirtatious with you or make suggestions, or hint at wanting things between you to go back to what they used to be? He misses what he had with you. That is what I am thinking.
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 I know he misses me. No he doesnt make inappropriate suggestions or flirt anymore. He stopped doing that a long time ago because I yelled at him and absolutely lost it. So no he hasnt done that in almost a year. WHich is why the whole thing makes NO sense at all. Its like hes pretending hes over it and pining away at the same time. But you know what that is his problem. He made his choice, now he can live with it. Hes got a vivacious and charming wife let him get his attention from her.
Athena Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Hes got a vivacious and charming wife let him get his attention from her. lol, but he doesn't want his W's attention! So -- what are you going to do about the IM'ing? Will you un-install it and tell him you didn't like it, or something?
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 No not worth the extra communication. I just respond by email. After all business is not done by IM. If its not business I dont respond.
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 The whole thing has left me with this overwhelming sadness. We are not together. We havent been together in so long. Every time he does something like this it gets to me. The good news is this time I didnt react. I didnt reward him by letting him know how much it has bothered me. It never seems to make a difference anyway and he would just say why am I making a big deal over nothing.
NopeNah Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Thought about finding a new job? I know it's hard as hell out there right now though. Just a thought.
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks Praying. Long story but not possible. I have spent years building a business in large part with him, and its not something i would give up lightly especially in this climate. I cant give this that kind of power over my life that I would jettison everything I have worked so hard to build. I keep hoping I will meet someone else and I truly wont care anymore. I know someone who was in an A who left it a year ago and she is already happily settled with someone nice and single. I know she still misses the MM but she is relatively happy. I keep hoping that will happen to me. At this point I wouldnt look back. He could send marching bands to my house, flood my street with roses and I wouldnt notice. I just want this behind me and every time he does something like this it picks at the scab. I try to be understanding and say its hard for him too. He misses me and wants to be in contact with me on whatever level is possible. But it really really sucks big time.
NopeNah Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I understand how you feel. Goodluck to you in finding someone you truly desire and deserve!
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks Praying. I made a huge mistake and I am paying for it daily!
Ronni_W Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Hugs, JJ. I think it's just him still struggling for power and control. IMO, excellent thing that you didn't get involved with that. One can hope or guess that he'll soon enough tire of IMing...especially if you just keep responding by email or text. His actions are juvenile past the rational thought and logic of a 4-year old, if you ask me. I think maybe that's why it's so frustrating for you...cos it is so bloody stupid and childish, and you likely were hoping for something 'grown-up'. Frustrating and disappointing...and what makes it so saddening. Maybe even, you'll find another layer of patience if you just keep reminding yourself that you are dealing with a 3-year old? Sadly, that does mean giving up on your own desire/expectation for 'grown-up' with him...he just doesn't appear capable, unfortunately. Here's hoping that he soon comes to the senses of a...13-year old? That would be a big improvement, yes?
Author jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks Ronni. I think you are right; it's a power struggle. A silly one, but a power struggle.
Athena Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I can't help but think that Any Attention is what he wants and needs... it used to be love, admiration and affection, now -- ? Now he can only get a rise out of you... still, better than nothing. Better than being ignored. He keeps on trying new things on you.
Author jj33 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 You are right Athena. Even if it means provoking me to the point of real anger - just so he can get some sort of reaction from me. Thats why I didnt fight about this. It would have been a big reaction. Its sad really. But hes made his choice. Now he can live with it.
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