JaneS Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Am I doing the right thing? I have been dating my current boyfriend for a few months. He told me quite early on that he has been suffering for the last few years with a severe form of anxiety. He is so determined to get better and is trying a range of treatments. Regarding our relationship…….I really like him as a person, we get on well, have things in common and all the rest of it. However, I feel that I should end this relationship before it goes any further. He is not emotionally available at all; he is self focused most of the time – I do think this is to do with the anxiety as he is very determined to be ‘cured’ and get back to living a normal life. I rarely feel special – it feels as though I am more on an emotional crutch to him. He does acknowledge the fact that he can be selfish at times and does make the effort every now and again to focus more on me. Physical intimacy has dwindled too. Our sex life was fine at the start but nowadays he seems unconfident in that area as the medication affects his libido somewhat. I have spoken to him recently about the need for openness in communication in this area. He continues to talk about future plans; hints that I could move nearer to him, wants to spend time together this Summer. I cannot help but think that I need to stop things now. I do not feel appreciated for who I am as his girlfriend and do not want to support someone emotionally like this. The title of the thread may seem a no-brainer to some of you reading this…..I am struggling with the thought that as soon as I end it, he will get better and I will have missed the chance of a good relationship. Under the cloud of his illness, he is a lovely man. So, am I doing the right thing in ending this relationship?
Thornton Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Oo, tough one. On one hand you think he's a lovely man, but on the other hand you don't want to support him emotionally or help him sort himself out. Either way, you clearly don't love him, because if you did you'd want to stick around and help him to work on his issues. That lack of love is my main reason for suggesting you should end the relationship before he becomes dependent on your support and gets really hurt by the fact you don't love him. He would be better off with someone more supportive who genuinely loves him and is prepared to help him with his problems.
lazlow99 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Mental illness has been in my family for years, and I know its difficult to switch off from people close to you but in the end you will drive yourself crazy trying to ''help'' someone who is suffering from depression etc. They seem like they're in a different world, distant, cold and sometimes they take their problems out by snapping at you or arguing with you over nothing - sadly they don't even realise they're doing it. Its a hard thing to do but your own well being is more important and if they're not making steps to get better, or showing any signs of getting better then in the long run it will mess you up too. You can't let other peoples mental problems be yours too.
Author JaneS Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Thank you Thornton and lazlow99 for your opinions on this; much appreciated. It is a tough one because he has qualities that I really like. However, I have been through something similar before and I guess I am extra cautious as a result. I have been very supportive since we have been dating; possibly to the detriment of my own well being because on occasion, I have felt mentally exhausted by it all - it is a very complex condition that he has which I did not outline fully in the initial post. It feels like asad situation because I know what I should do (end it) but am finding it very difficult to do so.
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