JohnnyBlaze Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 First, let me say that this is not yet another "Asian fever" thread. I just need a little info from those in the know. There's a beautiful girl that I'm absolutely crazy over*. As you've probably guessed, she's Asian (Vietnamese, immigrated some time during her teens). As you've probably also guessed, I'm not Asian. I'm Caucasian. Otherwise, I wouldn't need to ask. To make a long story short, is it a societal thing where Asian girls are expected to marry Asian guys, or is this something her family put into her? She recently grumbled that, according to her mother, if she "doesn't start acting like a proper Asian woman, [she'll] never get an Asian husband". I know she does seriously date white guys (well, at least one white guy that I know of) and hopefully she'll seriously date another (me). I'm just wondering what kind of a battle I have ahead. Being a white guy, will I have to overcome one family, or am I fighting the entire Vietnamese culture here? Not that I won't try either way, but it's good to know what kind of opposition I'll be facing. Of course, this all depends on me getting her first, but that's another matter. *If you feel so inclined, you can read about her in my journal entries, "The Perfect Girl...Almost" and "I Hate Carrots!!".
Sam Spade Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 From my limited (and blissful) exposure to asian girls, marrying westerners is where it's really at for them (and their families). That said, many of these girls are subject to *strong* family pressures to get married pronto, asap, now, and have kids, and the ones that do succumb to this pressure tend to haphasardly and quickly marry asian guys. (because of course no sane western guy would approach marriage in this way, perfect skin and hair notwithstanding). So, it all depends on how resilient and capable of telling her family to f***k off she is. That she has grown up in the US is a good sign. Speculation and stereotypization, but it's in the ballpark.
RA1 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I've had friends, acquaintances, and colleagues with asian wives or girlfriends but I have no idea whether these relationships were opposed by the womens' families. If she is the right girl for you, then I suppose she will be able to resist family pressures if they exist.
shadowplay Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 JB, I read your other threads and you REALLY need to take this girl off the pedestal you've put her on. I thought I was bad, until I read how much obsessing you put into preparing for your lunch with her. When I've done that with people in the past it's always burned and crashed. First off, doesn't she have a boyfriend?? Secondly you barely even know her, and you're already practically in love with her. I mean you're already thinking in terms of marriage, and you've only seen her once. Don't psych yourself out, or you're liable to get hurt! How old are you btw?
Author JohnnyBlaze Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Sam, RA1: thanks. If things go well with her, this could make life a lot easier with the family. SP, to answer your questions, no, she doesn't have a boyfriend now - they broke up. We did not just have lunch together once; we've been out a number of times now, and I knew her before that. We used to work for the same company a few years ago, which was how I met her in the first place. And believe me, I've been trying to take her off that pedestal. Oh Lord, have I been trying! The problem is that every time I think I succeeded, she does something or says something and the next thing I know, she's right back up there. And as to your last question, I'm early 30's - old enough to know I'm being incredibly stupid, and young enough to go and do it anyway.
evaG Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I'm Asian. I dated all Caucasian men except for my very first "boyfriend" at age 14 (and he turned out to be a terrible kisser). Yes, we feel pressure from our family to marry Asian, but it's mostly because of their fear of losing us to the Western culture. First off, let me point out that not all cases are the same and I'm not trying to stereotype everything. 1. The Asian culture is very family oriented; we don't believe in divorce or separation after marriage. They take that, and look into the Western culture and is shocked at how easily people divorce each other. They think a lot of Westerners lack commitment. You have to take into mind that most of the "elders" did not grow up in America, hence they can only take what they can see and analyze it the old way. 2. One of my parents' biggest concerns is the gap in communication if I were to marry someone non-Asian. It would be hard for me to take them back to China and introduce them to my extended family and have a decent conversation. 3. Customs. For example, my ex and I went out to dinner with my parents. He never poured them tea as a sign of respect, and my parents hated him for that. They understand that these kind of small things are not part of the Western culture, but they can't help but feel insulted when numerous small things like that pile up. Hope that helps. Let me know if you have other questions.
pandagirl Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I'm Japanese, but born-and-raised in California. Yes, my parents/family would be THRILLED if I married a Japanese man. However, they have never pressured me to date/marry an Asian guy. They've always said to me, "We just want you to be with someone nice who makes you happy." However, my dad is third generation Japanese-American, and my mom is second. They're pretty Americanized. The newer a family is to America, the more they will be stuck in their traditional views of their homeland country, which is totally understandable. That being said, it is very important in Asian culture to show respect for your parents, and if part of that is dating someone your parents approve of, it may become an issue.
Author JohnnyBlaze Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 EvaG/PG: Thanks. I've been looking for info on this, for the very reason that Eva mentioned. I know she's Westernized, but I'm sure there are still customs and traditions that she abides by, and I don't want to unknowingly offend her (knowingly offending people doesn't bother me, but I at least want to know that I'm doing it). I've looked around for info, but there isn't a whole lot out there. There are a million and one books on the history of the country (and about five million about the Vietnam/American War), but there's practically nothing about currently practiced customs.
BeautifulMan Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Don't worry, that's all asian girls go for is white men.
crosswordfiend Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Don't worry, that's all asian girls go for is white men. No, I've seen enough examples of both ends of the spectrum to know this isn't true. There are plenty of second-generation asian girls who only date asian guys as well but this is just not as controversial as the other way around. For instance, one of my good friends was telling me about her co-worker, who is asian, but is only attracted to guys with English last names. Apparently it's because she want her kids to be socially advantaged. This was particularly galling because I didn't think that people in Toronto in the 21st century still thought like this.
You'reasian Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 First, let me say that this is not yet another "Asian fever" thread. I just need a little info from those in the know. There's a beautiful girl that I'm absolutely crazy over*. As you've probably guessed, she's Asian (Vietnamese, immigrated some time during her teens). As you've probably also guessed, I'm not Asian. I'm Caucasian. Otherwise, I wouldn't need to ask. To make a long story short, is it a societal thing where Asian girls are expected to marry Asian guys, or is this something her family put into her? She recently grumbled that, according to her mother, if she "doesn't start acting like a proper Asian woman, [she'll] never get an Asian husband". I know she does seriously date white guys (well, at least one white guy that I know of) and hopefully she'll seriously date another (me). I'm just wondering what kind of a battle I have ahead. Being a white guy, will I have to overcome one family, or am I fighting the entire Vietnamese culture here? Not that I won't try either way, but it's good to know what kind of opposition I'll be facing. Of course, this all depends on me getting her first, but that's another matter. *If you feel so inclined, you can read about her in my journal entries, "The Perfect Girl...Almost" and "I Hate Carrots!!". Bottom line: You will be met with skepticism by her parents, although they may demonstrate an open mind and willingness to eventually meet you. The more educated, profiessional your career - the better in their eyes. Family is very important to them. Family comes first. Keep that in the back of your mind when thinking about her actions and plans. Other than that, go with the flow, be cordial to her family and keep an open mind toward them and their culture. You might be met with some friction, initially, but it should be fine. Now go forth and create some half-asian babies
D-Lish Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 For example, my ex and I went out to dinner with my parents. He never poured them tea as a sign of respect, and my parents hated him for that. They understand that these kind of small things are not part of the Western culture, but they can't help but feel insulted when numerous small things like that pile up. Why didn't you give the poor guy a head's up about that?
tami-chan Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I'm of Japanese ethnicity. My parents were born in Japan, I was born in the US but I lived in Japan for a few years. I agree with Pandagirl. While my parents would have been "thrilled" if I had married a Japanese, they really did not "pressure me". I asked my mother why that was...and her response made sense to me NOW ( it didnt when I was a lot younger)...:Why marry someone from a different ethnic background, who might or might not hold the same values as you...or not eat the same food as you...or do not understand the quiet non-verbal language that we Asians are notoriously known for? is it not enough that men and women by virtue of the differences in their biological make-up and how society in general has molded them are different and therefore already a hurdle to be navigated? why add to that by marryng someone from a different cultural background? which is another hurdle to navigate...or marrying someone from a different religion...etc.etc.. The good news is,...all the differences ARE surmountable. It will take MORE from you and her to make your relationship work...you are not only going to tackle the differences about being of opposite sex, and your individual personalities, you also have to adjust to your cultural differences...I think parents worry about that. Are you a doctor? or a lawyer? That would help win them over....LOL...ok...stereotypical joke on my own people!...
Author JohnnyBlaze Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Well, fortunately for me, I am very close with my family, so that won't be an issue. My family comes first and foremost; there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. So if they feel the same way about their family, that's just another plus, as far as I'm concerned. As to first impressions, I generally expect to be met with skepticism by parents (of any ethnicity). Although I can dress very respectably, the first impression people get of me is usually one of intimidation. After talking with me for 30 seconds, people always abandon their initial fear that I'm that scary drug-dealing biker they saw on the 20/20 exposé last night, but that initial impression does always exist. Are you a doctor? or a lawyer? That would help win them over....LOL...ok...stereotypical joke on my own people!... LOL Sadly, no. I'm no doctor. I have played doctor, though; does that count? Actually, I'm a System Admin. I wouldn't say it's the most glamorous job in the world, and it's certainly not going to get me that Lincoln Towncar I've always wanted, but it is a respectable (and, in this economy, relatively secure) profession, and to date, I have yet to complain about the pay.
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