Leahh Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I'll try to keep this brief... I met a guy a couple years ago in a group setting. The first time we met one of my friends went on a beer run with him, and her cell was dead so I took his number so we could call her when she eventually got to the place, and therefore he had my number when all was said and done from the calls from my friend to me via his phone. After that time, we hung out probably 10 or so times within a few months. Somehow, and I honestly cannot remember how (probably a drunk text), we started texting every now and again. We would also IM from time to time. The texting got more and more frequent. We hung out, in a group situation probably 2-3 more times. Nothing happened between us physically. Just the normal chatting. Then he moved 17 hours away. We talk via AIM for probably 2-3 hours a day and on the weekend we text for like over 6 hours a day. It's rare I go more than 24 hours without talking to him. He always drunk asks me to come see him, rarely sober- though I personally think he's a lot more sober than he claims during these convos. Our convos consist of mostly of things we did that day, are doing soon, stories about our friends and roommates, our jobs, etc. Sometimes we talk about family, and more serious topics. We have never talked about anything relationshipy at all. The most he tells me is how he girls wanted him at the bars and he turned them out. Is that a hint or just chatter? It's been this way for at least a year now, haven't seen him in about 6 months. He'll be town next month and asked if I will be around, but nothing more specific than that. I have a lot of male friends, but I get a few texts a week from them, nothing like this. I guess my question is, do guys spend this amount of time talking to someone they don't like? To be clear, I'm not sure if I like him as more than a friend. I don't think I do, but I'm willing to explore the idea. I feel like if he does like me, I may be leading him on by answering the IMs/texts (he initiates about 90% of the time). Should I just let this be and see where the wind takes me? Be more proactive? Am I paranoid and this is just a friendship? If he does like me, should I make it clear I don't like him? How do you even broach this subject after years of not talking about it? Ahh my mind is boggled!! -Leah
RA1 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 So you converse every day, sometimes for 2 or 3 hours? Sure sounds to me that there is a romantic interest on both sides. I can't believe it when you say you don't like him. Are you sure you mean that?
boogieboy Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 If you dont like him, you shouldnt be talking to him. Especially since hes so long distance. Guys do NOT talk to a girl that much that they dont like. Since hes not smart enough to stop wasting his time, do him a favor and let him know youre not really interested, and apologize for not stopping it sooner. I would also say that theres no need to explore him becuase hes too far. Dont start an long distance thing if you dont have to.
Author Leahh Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 thanks Boogie, I completely agree. Suggestions for how to approach the subject? I feel like it'd be weird to all of a sudden be like 'FYI I'm not interested'
Thaddeus Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 You've already friend-zoned him, so the decision has already been made that there'll be nothing more between you two. He's still trying to prove how good a man he is by staying in contact and currying your favor (which is probably why you've friend-zoned him in the first place - "nice guys" have little hope in situations like these) in a vain hope that you might see him as worthy of a relationship. So, in short, he wants you as a partner in a relationship. You don't seem to want the same thing. You're going to have to tell him that. And don't be cruel about it. Don't hold out some sort of false hope with a series of sentences full of "maybes" and "depends on my feelings" and all the rest. It'll be hellacious for him, and very uncomfortable for you.
Sakeneh Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Hi Leahh.... hope you dont mind me jumping in.... but I had this exact same things happen to me.... the guy texted me 2- 3 hours a day IM'd 2- 3 hours a day and we were on the phone half the night.... we did a back and forth "dance" for 4 years.... of me wanting to date.... he just wanted the friendship. The relationship was very sad for me.... made it hard to date other men..... give other guys a shot because he was always there... I had to finally cut it off in Decmeber. He didnt want to proceed.... and I went NC..... it was really devastating for me... the loss of one of my closest friends.... but better in the long run. Frankly, the lesson I learned is men that want to date you will see you or make an effort. Long distance or not.... he is keeping you from finding a great guy who will....
Author Leahh Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Hi Leahh.... hope you dont mind me jumping in.... but I had this exact same things happen to me.... the guy texted me 2- 3 hours a day IM'd 2- 3 hours a day and we were on the phone half the night.... we did a back and forth "dance" for 4 years.... of me wanting to date.... he just wanted the friendship. The relationship was very sad for me.... made it hard to date other men..... give other guys a shot because he was always there... I had to finally cut it off in Decmeber. He didnt want to proceed.... and I went NC..... it was really devastating for me... the loss of one of my closest friends.... but better in the long run. Frankly, the lesson I learned is men that want to date you will see you or make an effort. Long distance or not.... he is keeping you from finding a great guy who will.... This sounds just like us! We are actually have known each other just about 4 years. Were you clear that you wanted to date him, or was it assumed? It's just weird to me that we don't talk at all about relationships, dates or ANYTHING. If he would broach the subject I would like to hash it out, but it's really just not a topic we ever talk about, though we seem to talk about everything else. He's a nice guy and honestly cannot get a legit read on if he actually likes me or not. But according to people in this thread he does, so now my mind is reeling! He isn't exactly a ladies man so I can't see him really turning down many (any?) offers because of me, but who knows. I will figure something out.
Author Leahh Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 You've already friend-zoned him, so the decision has already been made that there'll be nothing more between you two. He's still trying to prove how good a man he is by staying in contact and currying your favor (which is probably why you've friend-zoned him in the first place - "nice guys" have little hope in situations like these) in a vain hope that you might see him as worthy of a relationship. So, in short, he wants you as a partner in a relationship. You don't seem to want the same thing. You're going to have to tell him that. And don't be cruel about it. Don't hold out some sort of false hope with a series of sentences full of "maybes" and "depends on my feelings" and all the rest. It'll be hellacious for him, and very uncomfortable for you. Thanks! I will not to be cruel about it, once I can get us on the subject. That will be the tricky part. I don't feel like it's an elephant in the room, but I wonder if he might.
Sakeneh Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hi Leahh... Yes... your situation is very similar to my ex that is why I felt I wanted to reply .... I met my ex online.... yes... it was assumed we were in the dating zone..... but I went out on a couple of dates with him.... we saw each other a handful of times.... and the constant texting at least 2- 3 hours a day- I had thousands of emails.... , IM'ing 2-3 hours a day began.....then calls..... sometimes we talked 3- 4 hours into the night and I fell asleep to find the phone in my hand the next morning. I slept with a blackberry..... to answer the texts..... and went to work exhausted.... Naturally....I wondered the same thing as you..... this guy must really want a relationship with me? He must care why would he bother?When we lived in the same city.... we saw each other and were physical.... but not alot. It was mainly an email/IM/ phone relationship. I asked myself over and over If he didnt care why spend so much time. Why waste the energy......But he never referred to me as his GF.... and when I confronted him about it.....he was evasive ..... eventually as a couple of years passed and when I was so in love with him.... I needed to either move on with some kind of dating relatinship or break contact. I found out he had been dating lots of other women..... and was really in love with one in particular and SEEING HER. In fact he moved accross the country to be with her. But he still texted/ emailed me/ called me and I let him because I thought I could do the "friend" thing. So....I was devastated.... and not able to break contact for another 2 years..... the bad habits that were created in the initial stage of knowing my ex were hard to break.... and the last 2 years I spent unhappy in the "friend" zone with him..... and no other guy had a chance with me because I was always hoping for more with this guy. My heart was with him... and my head was telling me GET OUT this is not normal.It took someone very close to HIM to tell me the truth and tell me to go NC. I cut it off back in December. Was devastating but the best thing I could ever have done. I am finally feeling better and dating again.....and I get my REST and can concentrate on work and friends/family. Sorry for this long email.... but it all boils down to this. 1. A man who is not SEEING you is not into dating. 2. If a guy is IM'ng or emailing you that much...... he is doing it because your there and that is IT. Sounds mean but I believe this. 3. This guy shouldnt be taking up so much of your time if he is not interested and that makes him selfish. 4. A guy who is just an email/ IM guy..... and who IM's /emails/ texts that much has a problem with personal communication....do you really want to date an IM? Will a text take you to dinner or say I love you with a kiss. 5. Think of 2 friends that you have that are close.... and compare the ratio of correspondance to his...... if he is WAY UP there.... it is NOT normal. Hope you think about my story.... and although mine might be an extreme case..... I hope you wont waste time with this guy.....
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