Is a divorce what I need?

[Saffyre]

I am new to this forum here and wanted to get some advice. I don't know what to do anymore myself at all. I wish there was a way to just fix everything magically. Me and my wife have been married for 3 years coming up this month. We had a beautiful baby girl on June 12th of this year, and she will be turning 1 month old tomorrow. About 3 hours ago me and the wife were at her families house with her brothers and mom and her mother and her went to the store. Once they got to the store I got sent a message asking about things her mom needed. I tried to get her little brother to help and he did not want to. I was the idiot who decided to lay my daughter on the couch, for 3 seconds, and came back and she rolled herself off right in front of her brothers watching her. This came back on me and when the wife got home I was telling her the story of what happened, and her brothers girlfriend (who was not there) walks by and says "Oh ya I heard he dropped her.". The wife got furious and ran off and went to her mothers room and locked the door. About 3 1/2 hours later she came out and was speaking to me very harshly. "Warm up the car." buckles the daughter in her car seat and then I go into the room and she yells "GO SIT IN THE CAR.". To not have conflict I do as I am told. We didn't speak all the way home in the car and once we got home we were going to the bedroom and she closes the door on me and tells me I don't belong in the bedroom. (As of right now we are staying with my parents for a bit.) I wanted to explain what happened and at the top of her lungs I hear her yelling at me about how bad of a father I am, how "HER" daughter doesn't need me, that I am worthless and I was with her for 2 hours, and how irresponsible I am. I left the room and here I am. I accept my responsibility for what I did. I know I was dumb for leaving her on the couch. I screwed up and I am probably a worthless parent. This is eating at me alive in my stomach. But this is not the first of mine and her problems. I would have to give some more background as to why I am writing this.

 

Me and my wife have been through a lot of issues, and really none of these issues should have been as big as they got. My wife is very pushy, bossy, and jealous. As of right now I cannot remember a whole lot of our issues, but I will give some of the stuff I do remember on us.

 

For the past 3 years, ever since we got married, I have been pushed around, and felt like her servant/puppet. I love her and enjoy doing things for her, but I currently feel abused, over-used, and taken advantage of. I have probably been told she wants a divorce 9-10 times. She has throw my ring in my face multiple times on top of this. I am constantly made to feel like a fool. I cannot explain ANYTHING to her or I get threatened. I have actually once gone so low as to fake something happening to me so things would be better.

 

I am sure at times there are valid reasons for this. I may even always deserve it. Some of the things I can remember about this are if I do not pay attention to her for a few seconds. If my life does not revolve around her. If I am late from work sometimes as little as 30 minutes. I cannot even think of all of the reasons for this. I feel like I deserve better then this and sometimes I have even been told "You knew how I was when you married me." when I tell her how I feel on this issue. I am constantly made to feel guilty about the things I do. I feel like I deserve to be treated decently and to have a full talk on some things, but talking to her in these moments is just asking to be yelled at, or to get threatened with divorce. Is all of this me?

 

I need help with this. I have come to a breaking point and have honestly gotten to the point where I don't care any more. I love my wife with all my heart and have taken all of these because I have thought things would change. There has been a couple times she has hit me, but it doesn't hurt, just hurts my feelings. Right now I feel like asking her for a divorce and ending all of this. I want to go to marriage counceling to fix this, but I do not know if it would help. I havent stopped crying in 3 hours and have seriously hit a breaking point. Please someone help me. Maybe all of this is me. I now have a brand new daughter and I feel like this is going to hurt her as well.... I don't know what to do.

[MrMayI]

i think you should at least give marriage counseling a chance. you each may need to go on your own as well. you're heading down a very dark path to have a 1 month old. you two need to get it together. that baby doesnt need to grow up in that kind of environment.

[Saffyre]

Thanks for the response you gave. I do want to give Marriage Counceling a shot. Most of this was venting out my aggressions and feelings and has made me feel better in the long run. I am sorry for the post. It hurts being in another room and hearing your new baby crying. I feel like anything and everything I do I am walking on eggshells. I can't take these emotions on my own anymore...

[carhill]

There's such a thing as 'keeping up appearances'. IMO, your way of dealing with her anger and conflict has caused her to lose respect for you. My biggest practical lesson during MC was learning how to manage my emotions in conflict; to remain as calm as possible but set firm boundaries regarding how I was treated and to express those boundaries clearly.

 

Next time she throws a fit, merely say "that's unacceptable behavior and I will not respond to it", then walk off. Get used to her being mad at you, but for good reason, not just her random rants. My bet is she has a lot of personal hurt that has nothing to do with you and it comes out inappropriately as anger. She likely needs IC for that, or maybe meds. If her behavior vacillates, emotional instability is a possibility. Not a good place to be raising a child.

 

IMO, for you, take positive steps. First, get out of your parent's house. You're a man with a family. Rent a clean apartment or house in a modest part of town. Learn how to fix things. People pay money for that and you can fix your own house/apartment to save money. Find some free counseling. College psych departments sometimes offer it as part of the educational programs for their students, to give them 'on the job' training. Living independently and getting counseling will give you confidence and help you to better deal with your W in a positive way. Do what you need to do. Don't listen to her. Think of her as white noise that is irrelevant

 

BTDT, nearly lost my mind. Don't be me....

[Gunny376]

MC won't work, because your probally aren't going to get her to go? Why? Because your the one with all the problems. And if you do get her to go? She will only go to have a third party validate that you're the one with the problems and issues.

 

And if the counselor differs from that? You will never get her to go back. If you try another one? Same end results.

 

Let me guess? Everything you say and do is wrong, and everything you don't say and do is wrong.

 

Take note when she said, "her daughter" Hugh red flag there my friend.

 

Were it me? I would get IC and start talking to lawyers. I would seek full custody.

 

Your wife has 'issues' that she needs to deal with.

[Gunny376]

There's such a thing as 'keeping up appearances'. IMO, your way of dealing with her anger and conflict has caused her to lose respect for you. My biggest practical lesson during MC was learning how to manage my emotions in conflict; to remain as calm as possible but set firm boundaries regarding how I was treated and to express those boundaries clearly.

 

Next time she throws a fit, merely say "that's unacceptable behavior and I will not respond to it", then walk off. Get used to her being mad at you, but for good reason, not just her random rants. My bet is she has a lot of personal hurt that has nothing to do with you and it comes out inappropriately as anger. She likely needs IC for that, or maybe meds. If her behavior vacillates, emotional instability is a possibility. Not a good place to be raising a child.

 

IMO, for you, take positive steps. First, get out of your parent's house. You're a man with a family. Rent a clean apartment or house in a modest part of town. Learn how to fix things. People pay money for that and you can fix your own house/apartment to save money. Find some free counseling. College psych departments sometimes offer it as part of the educational programs for their students, to give them 'on the job' training. Living independently and getting counseling will give you confidence and help you to better deal with your W in a positive way. Do what you need to do. Don't listen to her. Think of her as white noise that is irrelevant

 

BTDT, nearly lost my mind. Don't be me....

 

Good post carhill.

[Saffyre]

I guess I have a whole lot of issues with my own security. I do admit that. I don't want to lose her... Or my daughter.. From your post Guny I am guessing you are talking about Emotional Abuse... Funny thing is I was just reading the post asking what it is and went down the list in the 4th or 5th post and was answering yes to all.

 

An update on the issue: I was falling asleep in the spare room here and she texted me saying "I want milk and cookie and food". I didn't respond. 2 minutes later I get. "*******, I want a big mac no onions, fries and oreo cookies. If ur not gonna get tell me i'll go u f****** idiot"

 

Being the idiot I am, I went and did as she asked. Gave her the food and got no response. I know I need therapy for myself... I am a sucker, easily manipulated, and I ask for it. I don't stick up for myself. This I know and I will take care of it sometime i'm sure.

 

Also thank you for the post on me allowing her to do it, I am sure I have. I am afraid to change now though.. Nevermind I am just validating myself needing therapy.

 

Sorry for the Rants. Just very frustrated right now.

[Saffyre]

There's such a thing as 'keeping up appearances'. IMO, your way of dealing with her anger and conflict has caused her to lose respect for you. My biggest practical lesson during MC was learning how to manage my emotions in conflict; to remain as calm as possible but set firm boundaries regarding how I was treated and to express those boundaries clearly.

 

Next time she throws a fit, merely say "that's unacceptable behavior and I will not respond to it", then walk off. Get used to her being mad at you, but for good reason, not just her random rants. My bet is she has a lot of personal hurt that has nothing to do with you and it comes out inappropriately as anger. She likely needs IC for that, or maybe meds. If her behavior vacillates, emotional instability is a possibility. Not a good place to be raising a child.

 

IMO, for you, take positive steps. First, get out of your parent's house. You're a man with a family. Rent a clean apartment or house in a modest part of town. Learn how to fix things. People pay money for that and you can fix your own house/apartment to save money. Find some free counseling. College psych departments sometimes offer it as part of the educational programs for their students, to give them 'on the job' training. Living independently and getting counseling will give you confidence and help you to better deal with your W in a positive way. Do what you need to do. Don't listen to her. Think of her as white noise that is irrelevant

 

BTDT, nearly lost my mind. Don't be me....

 

Thank you for this post. Your support means a lot to me. I will try my best to do everything you said. Also - it is not a excuse, but the parents house was something we did not want. We were in a house, but our debt got too high, and we both got put onto part time almost a year back. We have currently gotten 75% of our bills taken care of and are scheduled to get a new appartment in 2 months. (I'm a big schedule freak.) Thanks though.

[Gunny376]

I guess I have a whole lot of issues with my own security. I do admit that. I don't want to lose her... Or my daughter.. From your post Gunny I am guessing you are talking about Emotional Abuse... Funny thing is I was just reading the post asking what it is and went down the list in the 4th or 5th post and was answering yes to all.

 

An update on the issue: I was falling asleep in the spare room here and she texted me saying "I want milk and cookie and food". I didn't respond. 2 minutes later I get. "*******, I want a big mac no onions, fries and Oreo cookies. If ur not gonna get tell me i'll go u f****** idiot"

 

Being the idiot I am, I went and did as she asked. Gave her the food and got no response. I know I need therapy for myself... I am a sucker, easily manipulated, and I ask for it. I don't stick up for myself. This I know and I will take care of it sometime I'm sure.

 

Also thank you for the post on me allowing her to do it, I am sure I have. I am afraid to change now though.. Never mind I am just validating myself needing therapy.

 

Sorry for the Rants. Just very frustrated right now.

 

Emotional and mental abuse! You can't get rid of this nut job fast enough!

 

Do you really want to spend the next forty years or so of your life with this? If so?

 

Your a glutton for punishment.

 

I am afraid to change now though.. Never mind I am just validating myself needing therapy.

 

What is she going to do? Take away your birthday? Shave your head, make you join the Marines and send you to Iraq? Make you move back in with your parents?

 

The only card she's got?

 

Is the old, "You'll never see your DD again!"

 

Well, hate to be one to break the news to you sweetheart, but the legal system has something to say about that!

 

And quit beating yourself up about the DD, things happen! Infants are pretty elastic and resilient. They have to be or we wouldn't have made it as far as we have?!

 

When I was an infant, my Mom was coming down a flight of stairs in a pair of high heels. One broke off and off I went tumbling and landed on my head on the hard concrete sidewalk.

[LisaUk]

Hi, I think your wife does have problems with anger. Like Carhill said very often people who have this way of expressing themself are more often than not just venting frustrations about life and themseleves in a way that impacts upon others, when it is not always intended to. A stress relief if you like. However, that does not make her behaviour acceptable and it does not help your marriage, she needs to understand how these rants are affecting you and your relationship and find new ways of expressing anger and venting frustration.

 

You said it is difficult to talk to her in these moments. Yes, it will be, she is angry, in a rage, she does not know how to deal with her own emotions. At the moment she will be even more stressed because she has just got a new baby, she is tired, hormones in overdrive etc.

 

It is no use trying to talk to your wife when she is yelling. You must talk to her though and you must make it clear that her anger is hurting you. The best way to do this is when she is CALM. When you are both relaxed and happy, not during an argument or the following day.

 

I am not excusing your wifes behaviour, she does sound like she needs some help in learning how to relaese her emotions in a more healthy and productive manner. However, if you speak to her rationally and calmly and she chooses to ignore your requests, then you will have tried and know that you have done everything possible to make it clear to her that if this behaviour continues you will not be able to go on in the relationship.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

When I was an infant, my Mom was coming down a flight of stairs in a pair of high heels. One broke off and off I went tumbling and landed on my head on the hard concrete sidewalk.

 

Note to self. Don't take anymore advice from Gunny j/k

 

Please get yourself into IC counselling. If that is out of reach for now, do you have some close friends you can talk to? People who know YOU and can offer you some help other than telling you to run or just listen to you for now?

 

Your W gets some sick satisfaction out of ordering you around. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't when she gives you these ridiculous requests. It won't stop until you do. She is very angry, and it has nothing to do with you.

[phineas]

MC won't work, because your probally aren't going to get her to go? Why? Because your the one with all the problems. And if you do get her to go? She will only go to have a third party validate that you're the one with the problems and issues.

 

And if the counselor differs from that? You will never get her to go back. If you try another one? Same end results.

 

Let me guess? Everything you say and do is wrong, and everything you don't say and do is wrong.

 

That about sums up the 3 sessions of MC we went to.

[phineas]

I guess I have a whole lot of issues with my own security. I do admit that. I don't want to lose her... Or my daughter.. From your post Guny I am guessing you are talking about Emotional Abuse... Funny thing is I was just reading the post asking what it is and went down the list in the 4th or 5th post and was answering yes to all.

 

An update on the issue: I was falling asleep in the spare room here and she texted me saying "I want milk and cookie and food". I didn't respond. 2 minutes later I get. "*******, I want a big mac no onions, fries and oreo cookies. If ur not gonna get tell me i'll go u f****** idiot"

 

Being the idiot I am, I went and did as she asked. Gave her the food and got no response. I know I need therapy for myself... I am a sucker, easily manipulated, and I ask for it. I don't stick up for myself. This I know and I will take care of it sometime i'm sure.

 

Also thank you for the post on me allowing her to do it, I am sure I have. I am afraid to change now though.. Nevermind I am just validating myself needing therapy.

 

Sorry for the Rants. Just very frustrated right now.

 

your wife sounds exactly like my friend's wife & you sound a lot like my friend.

 

She was very bossy & verbally abusive to him. He just took it.

I sat him down & told him he needs to stand up to her but not argumentative like.

 

He did & me might as well as slapped her in the face.

He basically told her that her behavior was unacceptable & she shouldn't talk to anyone that way ect.

 

it helped a little bit.

She was also diagnosed manic & got some meds & that did make a big difference & things have been better with them.

[carhill]

Thank you for this post. Your support means a lot to me. I will try my best to do everything you said. Also - it is not a excuse, but the parents house was something we did not want. We were in a house, but our debt got too high, and we both got put onto part time almost a year back. We have currently gotten 75% of our bills taken care of and are scheduled to get a new appartment in 2 months. (I'm a big schedule freak.) Thanks though.

In this economy, I can empathize. I'm going through a divorce and planning for my mother's death. It's been hard to keep my house. I'm on a survival diet (great way to lose weight BTW ). You have a daughter to think about. Your parents are likely a great support in that regard. I hope so. IMO, stay focused on what you see as positive steps and do not let your wife deter you. Take one small step each day. Even when you're married, the only person you can control is you. Accept the other person and decide if their existence is healthy for you and, if not, how you can effectively co-parent your daughter. IMO, continuing upon the current path will shorten your life. Sorry