stressed

[hardertobreathe]

i have been coming to this website for the past 6 months and it helps so much. im so thankful for it. i am very happy with my ldr, but i have also become very insecure and a nervous wreck because of it. i am 22 years old and live just 4 hours from my so. this distance is probably much shorter than most of yours. right now its basically been a once a month weekend visit. when i mention he come here it always leads to a fight because he says he cant just come its not that easy. then when i say i will come there he says he will let me know and it always seems to not work out. for instance tonight i said i want to come there next weekend. (i have not seen him for about 3 weeks now) and he says he is working all weekend. now he works at a restaraunt and i know he would be able to simply ask someone to cover. he is also very close family friends with his boss and could easily ask her to give him a night or 2 off. he doesnt even try. its so upsetting because i never know when i will see him next. he will never make plans in advance with me. i would be at ease if i knew that i would be seeing him in a certain amount of days or weeks, but he will not give me that. the past few times i have seen him have been plans made the day before when he has said "im coming tmorrow".

its very frustrating because he has no problem making plans to drive and see his friends who live hours away.

we do talk everyday and its great. we have such a connction. its amazing when we are together. i hate how he wont make plans with me. i cannot talk to him about this because it ALWAYS results in an argument. he will just tell me to stop, or "you know we will see eachother so stop". it makes me feel like he doesnt miss me as much as i miss him. if he told me he wanted to come this weekend i would for sure do whatever i could to make sure we could spend time together.

i am stressing out. weekends are awful, because we should be together.....

there is so much i want to say but i dont know how to get it out on this post. so i guess i am just venting here on a saturday night. this is really hard for me.

[Lucky_One]

I have never seen anyone who has to work from 4:00 pm on Friday until 12:00 midnight on Sunday. That is a LONG shift!

 

I would suspect he would get some time off in that weekend. And that would be time that you could spend together.

 

I am like you. If he missed you, then he would be thrilled to have you come there, even if he did have to work part of the time.

 

And he drives long distances to see other friends? More than once a month? Has he ever asked you to go with him to meet these friends, because that would be very do-able.

[hardertobreathe]

thank you! i dont even know what to say anymore. i wish i could say "i dont care if you have to work i will wait at your house until you get back!" but i have learned to bite my tounge. so when he told me he had work i just kind of said i was upset, he told me not to be and that id see him soon, and then we just stopped talking about it.

 

i already know of 2 weekends in august where he is going to visit different friends who live a few hours from him. they are going to be doing boys weekends so it wouldnt be expected that he would ask me to go.

 

if he can plan boys weekends though, why cant he plan weekends ahead of time to be with me. i am constantly looking forward to seeing him, its like what gets me through the day. but i hate this feeling of not being as big of a part in his life as he is in mine...

[Lucky_One]

I have an opinion, but I don't think you will like it.

[hardertobreathe]

i think i know what you are going to say. give it to me. i need to hear it. maybe i need to do some real thinking about this

[hardertobreathe]

i always convince myself by saying i know he doesnt want any other girls. i know how much he feels our connection. we talk every single day and night. he tells me he misses me all the time.

but are these all just me making up excuses and trying to hold on to something that really might not be there for him. he says he wants to see me...so he should be trying...

[Lucky_One]

From an absolutely blunt physical standpoint, it is a rare man who wouldn't want sex more than once a month (well, one weekend a month). Perhaps he has a really low sex drive, but most guys would jump at the chance for the Trifecta 1) he doesn't have to drive, you come to him 2) he gets laid and 3) he still gets to go to work and make money.

 

From an absolutely blunt emotional standpoint, he doesn't sound like he is very into you.

 

When I was in my LDR with my XH, we saw each other about every other weekend (sometimes 3 a month, occasionally just once). This required a 4 hour flight, plus time to get to the airport and waiting - so a 7-8 hour chunk of time was required, no matter who was doing the travel. Not to mention the expense, which was sizable. But we wanted to see each other, and the cost and the time was worth it to both of us.

 

Bottom line - if you are offering to go see him, and he doesn't immediately jump up and down and say "Hurrah! I have missed you like crazy!! Thank you for making this effort." then he isn't as interested in seeing you as you are in seeing him.

 

Sorry.

 

What do you do when you go there? Do you two go out? Hang out with his friends? Do things with his family?

[hardertobreathe]

dont be sorry! you may be completely right. there have been SO many occasions the past 6 months (thats all we have been together) where i have questioned whether he is as into me as i am to him. the few times that i have brought it to his attention he has said that i am reading too much into things, and getting worked up for nothing. he says things like "do u think i would still be doing this if i didnt want it to work?" or "you know how i feel about you why do you always need to question it?" so then i make myself believe that i AM overthinking and that i need to relax.

 

i dont know though. because you are right...he SHOULD be ecstatic that i will drive there...

 

i am very confused. honestly dont know what i am going to do...

 

thank you very much for the responses i really appreciate it

 

any more help would be great! i am not too good with this

[Island Girl]

i have been coming to this website for the past 6 months and it helps so much. im so thankful for it. i am very happy with my ldr, but i have also become very insecure and a nervous wreck because of it.

 

You are happy? The rest of your two posts tell otherwise.

 

Insecurities happen ESPECIALLY in LDRs. It is up to our partner to help alleviate them. And usually there is no problem at all with this since the insecurities can plague both partners.

 

i am 22 years old and live just 4 hours from my so. this distance is probably much shorter than most of yours. right now its basically been a once a month weekend visit.

 

I do have to admit that when I hear it is only once a month and you are in such close proximity it is surprising.

 

when i mention he come here it always leads to a fight because he says he cant just come its not that easy. then when i say i will come there he says he will let me know and it always seems to not work out.

 

If you are willing to go there then I am at a loss as to why he would not want you to be there.

What happens on the weekends when you aren't there? Does he spend all night on the phone with you?

Is he unavailable all the time with other plans?

 

for instance tonight i said i want to come there next weekend. (i have not seen him for about 3 weeks now) and he says he is working all weekend.

 

So? During work hours you can amuse yourself, right?

Him having to work makes no difference and is no excuse.

That sets alarm bells off for me...

 

now he works at a restaraunt and i know he would be able to simply ask someone to cover. he is also very close family friends with his boss and could easily ask her to give him a night or 2 off. he doesnt even try.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

If someone is saying they love you and are devoted to you then it should be most apparent in their actions.

 

Your distance is a factor - and it isn't.

It is a factor because you can't just run over there on a whim and so there is the absence and missing the other.

But it isn't a factor because you are willing to go often to see him.

 

The fact that he doesn't even try to get a weekend off to see you - or time off on a weekend so that when you come to see him you can spend more time together doesn't speak very well at all of your importance to him.

 

its so upsetting because i never know when i will see him next. he will never make plans in advance with me.

 

This doesn't speak well of his level of devotion to you either.

It seems as though he is keeping his options of other plans open.

And to be honest - if ANYTHING is more important than I am in a romantic relationship I would walk.

 

The fact that you stay and accept what happens means it will continue to happen. He has learned he can treat you secondary to anything else and you will still be available.

 

Do you know that he is not spending time with other women?

If this answer is yes, then how do you know this?

 

i would be at ease if i knew that i would be seeing him in a certain amount of days or weeks, but he will not give me that. the past few times i have seen him have been plans made the day before when he has said "im coming tmorrow".

 

Interesting. So he doesn't know ahead of time that he will be taking the four hour trip to see you?

 

its very frustrating because he has no problem making plans to drive and see his friends who live hours away.

 

Then you should be no different. And in fact you should be more important - seeing you should be more important - than getting together with his friends.

He is a guy, committed to you, and you are having sex, right?

If that is the case then you should really be primary on his mind.

What you feel should be extremely important to him.

 

we do talk everyday and its great. we have such a connction. its amazing when we are together.

 

When do you talk? Can you get hold of him in the middle of the night?

When you call does he answer all the time?

Do you know his shifts at work ahead of time or do they fluctuate?

 

i hate how he wont make plans with me. i cannot talk to him about this because it ALWAYS results in an argument. he will just tell me to stop, or "you know we will see eachother so stop".

 

I would stop. I would stop contacting and talking to him altogether.

 

He may then try to figure out what has happened and why I am not talking to him.

At which time I would explain that since my feelings and thoughts aren't important to him -- it is clear he isn't my boyfriend because if that WAS the case they would be -- and I was getting on with my life.

That will either scramble his brain and he'll want to reevaluate his priorities so he will not lose me OR he won't give a crap and that shows I was wasting my time with him anyway.

 

it makes me feel like he doesnt miss me as much as i miss him.

 

I came to the same conclusion sweetie. It is connecting the dots at this point. I am sorry.

 

if he told me he wanted to come this weekend i would for sure do whatever i could to make sure we could spend time together.

 

Now let's think about that. You would do whatever you could. And you would do that because you love him, are devoted to him, and you miss him.

 

So if you didn't want to do whatever you could and you didn't care about seeing him it would be because essentially you didn't really miss him and were perfectly happy without him, right?

There is your explanation. I am sorry to have to lay it out like that but it is true.

 

If someone loves you - they want to see you. They are courteous and respectful of your feelings. They make you a priority.

 

i am stressing out. weekends are awful, because we should be together.....

 

I agree. And you would be. Except he tells you not to come and see him.

 

Does that ring in your head? That he tells you NOT to come and see him? He doesn't want to see his girlfriend??

 

there is so much i want to say but i dont know how to get it out on this post. so i guess i am just venting here on a saturday night. this is really hard for me.

 

Yeah. And it doesn't sound like you are happy at all.

But I don't know anyone that would be in your situation.

 

i wish i could say "i dont care if you have to work i will wait at your house until you get back!" but i have learned to bite my tounge.

 

Why?? What does he say if you tell him that?

 

so when he told me he had work i just kind of said i was upset, he told me not to be and that id see him soon, and then we just stopped talking about it.

 

He dismissed your feelings.

So your feelings don't matter to him.

 

i already know of 2 weekends in august where he is going to visit different friends who live a few hours from him. they are going to be doing boys weekends so it wouldnt be expected that he would ask me to go.

 

so he can spend two weekends -- and plan them in advance -- spending time with his friends.

 

But YOU. His girlfriend he sees one weekend a month and won't commit to anything in advance.

 

That sounds extremely fishy.

At best it sounds like he isn't that committed to you and doesn't care to make you a priority. He certainly doesn't care about your feelings.

 

What do YOU do when he is with his friends or alone all weekend?

 

if he can plan boys weekends though, why cant he plan weekends ahead of time to be with me.

 

He can.

 

He chooses not to.

 

As harsh as that may be it is the truth.

 

i am constantly looking forward to seeing him, its like what gets me through the day. but i hate this feeling of not being as big of a part in his life as he is in mine...

 

You aren't a big part of his life.

 

You feel that way because it is true.

 

And that is a horrible way to feel in a relationship.

When you feel that way - and address it - it should change immediately.

If you address it, as you have tried to continuously to do, and it doesn't change then you should not be in it anymore.

[hardertobreathe]

You are happy? The rest of your two posts tell otherwise.

 

Insecurities happen ESPECIALLY in LDRs. It is up to our partner to help alleviate them. And usually there is no problem at all with this since the insecurities can plague both partners.

 

 

Youre right..i dont sound happy...and i am starting to realize that i am unhappy most of the time because of this relationship. it should be up to him to alleviate my stress but it turns out he is the one causing it.

 

 

If you are willing to go there then I am at a loss as to why he would not want you to be there.

What happens on the weekends when you aren't there? Does he spend all night on the phone with you?

Is he unavailable all the time with other plans?

 

 

on the weekends when we are not together he does go out with his friends and i go out with mine. he is more of a partier and goes out drinking to bars atleast once a weekend. he seems to always have a really good time. me on the other hand, i go out with my friends but usually my mind is somewhere else...

so no, he doesnt spend all night on the phone with me, but he always lets me know where he is going and who hes going with if that counts...

 

 

The fact that he doesn't even try to get a weekend off to see you - or time off on a weekend so that when you come to see him you can spend more time together doesn't speak very well at all of your importance to him.

 

you are very right. but when i mention this to him, he says not to worry about it because i should know that we will see eachother soon. it seems like this is all on his timing and my feelings definately dont effect him

 

 

And to be honest - if ANYTHING is more important than I am in a romantic relationship I would walk.

 

The fact that you stay and accept what happens means it will continue to happen. He has learned he can treat you secondary to anything else and you will still be available.

 

Do you know that he is not spending time with other women?

If this answer is yes, then how do you know this?

 

i love what you said. you would walk away if anything is more imporant than you. i really wish i had your strength. there are so many times i think maybe im better off just moving on because we CLEARLY arent on the same page with this relationship. but i am way too scared to end things with him. i want it to work more than anything and im scared that if i leave that i will be ending something that could turn out the way i want it to. a different part of me is scared to end it because i wonder will he even be sad or would he just move on quick?

i am positive he is not spending tme with any other women, this is one thing i am confident about. he has never missed a night calling before going to bed even if i am asleep already because he has stayed out later (weekends). and i can always get a hold of him no matter what the time is.

 

Then you should be no different. And in fact you should be more important - seeing you should be more important - than getting together with his friends.

He is a guy, committed to you, and you are having sex, right?

If that is the case then you should really be primary on his mind.

What you feel should be extremely important to him.

 

i SHOULD be more imporant than seeing his friends. i would much rather spend time with him than see my friends as bad as that sounds. and yes, great sex. i dont feel important at all though. i always feel like making the plans to see eachother is a burden to him or an annoyance. when we are together in person things are absolutely perfect. but he really goes from hot to cold constantly when we are apart which is much more often. he hates even remotely discussing things that have to do with feelings or seeing eachother. he gets mad that i always need reassurance but shouldnt he want to give me reassurance and know that i am comfotable and happy in this relationship?

 

 

I would stop. I would stop contacting and talking to him altogether.

 

He may then try to figure out what has happened and why I am not talking to him.

At which time I would explain that since my feelings and thoughts aren't important to him -- it is clear he isn't my boyfriend because if that WAS the case they would be -- and I was getting on with my life.

 

this ones hard. i cant stop talking to him or contacting him because i would say 80 percent of the time is him iniating contact. he texts me most mornings, calls almost every afternnoon and we always speak at night for a longer period of time depending on the day. the problem is the talks are based on wat he wants to talk about. never feelings or anything. if i do mention them, he quickly says something stating "here we go again" and hinting that i should just not bring these things up because they are going to cause a problem. i dont think he understands why i feel insecure and want to talk about things.

 

 

i guess my biggest concern is; while he does contact me frequently and i dont need to worry about other women, i am constantly struggling with thoughts that i am not as important to him as he is to me. espeically my feelings. it doesnt make sense to me how he isnt wanting to see me (even tho he says he does). its clear that he doesnt really care about when he will see me next because he doesnt want to make plans in advance and he always seems to have other things going on. i also dont understand why whenever i bring up certain topics he becomes very short with me and it becomes clear that nothing is going to change. i guess i am truly lost.

[hardertobreathe]

Thanks again for the great response before. i really cant tell you how much it helps. i probably sound like a fool with all this venting. i see it when i read back at what i say. it seems so obvious (and i should be able to connect the dots), yet i cant seem to grasp it.

[Island Girl]

i love what you said. you would walk away if anything is more imporant than you. i really wish i had your strength.

 

Yes. I would walk.

There is nobody on the planet who I would stay with while they shoved me aside, didn't listen to my concerns or my feelings, discarded my emotions and my needs, putting me secondary to others, not wanting to see me when there is limited availability to do so, etc.

 

I deserve to have someone who gives to me what they get from me. I give my all to the man I love. I deserve the same in return.

 

You do too sweetheart. You deserve everything from a man.

You deserve someone who appreciates what a HUGE gift he has in you.

Any guy who has all of that and doesn't appreciate it is simply an idiot. And you shouldn't waste your time with an idiot.

All that guy is doing is holding you back from meeting the guy that WILL appreciate you and value everything you are and give.

 

there are so many times i think maybe im better off just moving on because we CLEARLY arent on the same page with this relationship.

 

I know. And you should have someone who is on the same page.

 

but i am way too scared to end things with him. i want it to work more than anything and im scared that if i leave that i will be ending something that could turn out the way i want it to. a different part of me is scared to end it because i wonder will he even be sad or would he just move on quick?

 

The reason why he can treat you this way is BECAUSE of your fear.

You make decisions in dealing with him that are driven by this fear.

 

Like your fear of fighting with him about what you aren't getting in this relationship (time, commitment, priority, support, etc.) is why you aren't getting it.

It is why you aren't getting it from him - he knows you aren't going anywhere so he walks on you.

It is why you aren't getting it in your life because even if he is going to be this way always - you stay and you will not get it from anyone else either.

 

You are making the BIG mistake of staying and thinking something is eventually going to change and it will be different.

You remain the same - he remains the same.

You change -- and either he does or he's gone.

If he is gone it means he NEVER was going to be any different and he doesn't value you or your relationship.

 

This is going to sound harsh - but please realize I mean it with the best of intentions:

 

Be a doormat and expect to get walked all over. That is what happens to doormats.

 

No one respects a doormat. No one respects someone who doesn't respect themselves enough to say, "HEY! You are treating me like crap! It changes or I leave because I refuse to allow someone to continually treat me like crap!!"

 

 

If he isn't going to be sad if you are gone then he didn't really care. And you are wasting a lot of time on someone who doesn't even care about how you feel or what you think.

 

Does this make sense:

 

He doesn't give a crap about me --- if I leave he won't miss me ---- so I am going to stay and allow him to treat me like crap and not get what I need and deserve out of a relationship.

????????????

[hardertobreathe]

thank you island girl really i appreciate it so much. its really helping me see. everything you say is very true.

 

You are making the BIG mistake of staying and thinking something is eventually going to change and it will be different.

You remain the same - he remains the same.

You change -- and either he does or he's gone.

If he is gone it means he NEVER was going to be any different and he doesn't value you or your relationship.

 

i couldnt agree more. things arent changing because i allow it on a daily basis. I am unsure as to what CHANGE is it i need to make in order for him to either treat me better or we are done. I guess I just dont know the next step i need to make. things cant stay the way they are...so how do i let him know i am serious and things cant be this way? i really do feel like a doormat, i always get walked all over.

[Island Girl]

You need to get to the place where you realize -- REALLY realize -- that you deserve more and that you WANT what you deserve.

 

You have to make up your mind that this day - whatever day that is (and I hope it is soon) - is the last day where you are going to be treated like a doormat, disregarded in any way, not a priority, etc.

Then you tell him just that.

You tell him that he doesn't pay attention to your feelings, he doesn't show you any consideration, he doesn't spend time with you when he clearly can, and bottom line is he doesn't appreciate you. So you are done with this relationship the way that it stands.

If he has anything he'd like to address to try to salvage it then you are open to listening to his plans - BUT if he has nothing new to say and he isn't going to talk very plainly about the changes that will be made -- YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

 

That leaves the ball in his court.

You have broken up with the deadbeat.

If a "new" him would like to present himself and make an attempt at keeping you happy so he can still have a girlfriend then you take what he says and you chew on it - DO NOT jump back in. You make him show how much he means it (and then you make sure his actions match his words!).

Do not make it easy for him. He has treated you badly for long enough that he needs to work to get back to you all lovey dovey again.

 

Consider yourself broken up with him after you tell him what you need to.

Gather your friends around you. Let them know you need to be busy for the next few days at the very least. See who you can call on in your "call circle". These are the people who late at night or whatever hour - if you feel like calling you call THEM instead and they keep you from calling him or contacting him.

 

Do not text, e-mail, call, or ANYTHING.

 

More than anything - if you end up back together - he needs to know You Are Strong and CAN WALK AWAY without looking back.

 

And you can. You have it in you. You just don't see your strength. But you need to do it for yourself.

 

I really hope that helps.