Explorer Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 To briefly set the background: There's been a girl I met online and been dating for a couple of months. Everything has been going well, and it's been strangely easy. Very natural. I've been optimistic about her, which is more than I can say in a long time. We've been on 10 dates or so and I've tried being intimate but she wasn't ready. I respected that and it wasn't all I wanted; I really liked her. We've had talks about how she's not comfortable with intimacy and how she's traditional about it being with someone special. No casual sex. Besides, she's only had one sexual partner. Last night..... She came on to me, we fooled around for a while and were having fun. I didn't have a condom but told her I could pull out. She hesitantly agreed but then quickly changed her mind. We went back to foreplay for a while and she kept saying how bad she wanted to have sex. So I did it. Stuck it in and she didn't stop me so I assumed all was a go. Between the 30 mins of foreplay and no condom, I quickly turned into the "minute man" but pulled out on time and was hoping for an immediate round 2. Instead, she ran into her room, locked the door and was very upset. To my disbelief, 20 mins later she came out and told me that all trust was lost and she felt differently about us. She went on to say how this isn't like her and sex is a very sensitive issue. She came off like I forced it. I made it very clear that I may have put it in but she didn't stop me and was enjoying it. Then, she kicked me out -- told me it would be best if I left. I got a hold of her on my way home and asked if that was the end of us. She couldn't answer and said she now needed time to herself to think about everything. Our dating went from excellent to non-existent in 15 minutes. I can't even wrap my head around this kind of reaction. Totally took me by surprise. I would be lying if I said I wasn't self-conscious about the quickness of sex. Maybe it was bad for her? Or maybe it's not about me at all and there's a deeper issue with her? Ladies, can you please make sense of this reaction for me? I feel so bad and guilty about what happened. Am I at fault?
Lizzie60 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Move on.. don't even contact her.. She's a little 'prude' brat.. don't waste your time on this childish idiot... How old is she?
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 The only thing to feel bad or guilty about, is not wrapping it, for your own safety's sake. Straight up, she's got sex = bad issues, if she's blaming you for this. If anything, she was the aggressor.
Lucky_One Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 If you came within a minute of penetration, even if you pulled out, then there was definitely some precum action going on there. She could be seriously freaked out about getting pregnant, and assumed that your "pulling out" mean that you would stay in control the entire time and then have to be manually or orally finished. She may have thought that you started your ejaculation inside her. It is easy to get caught up in the physical aspect of sex, and go to a level that you truly don't want to go to. She reluctantly agreed to penetrative sex, and then changed her mind. If you "stuck it in" without her saying point blank "I have changed my mind and I am really sure about making love", then she also may feel a little betrayed that you went farther than she wanted knowing that she had said no. (because deep down you DID know that she wasn't 100% ready but you were hoping that the sex itself would change her mind)
redant Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Lucky is right you knew she was hesitant and still insisted which is normal for guys. On the other hand she could have been alot more clear and she could have pushed you away. She must be very confused. You coming so quickly may have added to her confusion. See if she can get over it, maybe she does not trust you, but maybe you can build trust with her if you do like her. If she keeps freaking out about it then it's not worth the trouble. Doesn't sound like you are using her for sex.
mammax3 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 ...She came off like I forced it. I made it very clear that I may have put it in but she didn't stop me and was enjoying it. Then, she kicked me out -- told me it would be best if I left. I would have kicked you out for that comment! It was clear that she was ambivalent at best about having sex. She probably really thought you were terrific and felt very close to you - and wanted to share that through sex. Not specifically checking again that it was ok to have sex was inappropriate IMO, given your repeated discussions about sex. She may be a prude or whatever label you want to give her, but it's still her body and you penetrated it without an All Clear signal.
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I have zero sympathy for her. If she didn't want to do it, don't encourage it. You can't play both sides of victimhood like that. For that matter, why would anyone regret a sexual experience? This wasn't rape. It takes two to tango, particularly with this girl heavily encouraging it and being the main aggressor.
Lucky_One Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Where is the line drawn at being an "aggressor"? Does that mean that a woman can't initiate a kiss? Can't move a man's hand to her breast? Can't take a man's shirt off? Can't take her own shirt off? Can't pull his pants off to participate in oral sex (or her own, for that matter)? Do all of those things mean that she MUST have intercourse, because she was enjoying the sexual play up to penetration? Are you saying that if she initiates sexual contact, then she is obligated to either put out, or get called a prude or a tease?
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 She came on to me, we fooled around for a while and were having fun. I didn't have a condom but told her I could pull out. She hesitantly agreed but then quickly changed her mind. We went back to foreplay for a while and she kept saying how bad she wanted to have sex. So I did it. Stuck it in and she didn't stop me so I assumed all was a go.While no means no, at anytime she could have stopped this and didn't put a definitive "NO" to this. She was playing with fire and continued to do so.
BenThereDunThat Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I agree with TBF. This girl sounds immature at best. She wanted sex just as much as he did but feels "dirty" or "wrong" about it. Clearly it got to the point where they were naked, at least from the bottom down. She also sounds selfish and manipulative. Blaming him for something she clearly wanted, based on what the OP told us.
Lucky_One Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 We've been on 10 dates or so and I've tried being intimate but she wasn't ready. I respected that and it wasn't all I wanted; I really liked her. We've had talks about how she's not comfortable with intimacy and how she's traditional about it being with someone special. No casual sex. Besides, she's only had one sexual partner. Last night..... She came on to me, we fooled around for a while and were having fun. I didn't have a condom but told her I could pull out. She hesitantly agreed but then quickly changed her mind. We went back to foreplay for a while and she kept saying how bad she wanted to have sex. So I did it. Stuck it in and she didn't stop me so I assumed all was a go. Between the 30 mins of foreplay and no condom, I quickly turned into the "minute man" but pulled out on time and was hoping for an immediate round 2. He knew that she wasn't ready for intercourse. It had been talked about multiple times. He stuck it in anyway. (There's some romance for you, especially to a girl with limited sexual experience.) TBF, your stance is like a guy saying "Well, she had a short skirt and a low-cut blouse, so she was just asking for sex." "Well, she put her hand on my cock, so I didn't see an issue with me sticking it in her mouth." There is NOTHING wrong with her both wanting sex AND wanting to wait until she was ready. I have wanted sex plenty of times, because the foreplay was fantastic, I was attracted to the guy, but I simply don't have casual sex. That is not something to be punished for. And I am NOT saying that Explorer and this girl have no future chance for a healthy relationship. I am saying that they had some serious miscommunication here, compounded by sexual frustration on both parts, but that he chose to fix his sexual frustration with imagined consent rather than take matters into his own hand, so to speak.
Lucky_One Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I agree with TBF. This girl sounds immature at best. She wanted sex just as much as he did but feels "dirty" or "wrong" about it. Clearly it got to the point where they were naked, at least from the bottom down. She also sounds selfish and manipulative. Blaming him for something she clearly wanted, based on what the OP told us. So all clothes have to stay on, unless you intend on having intercourse? And if you want to have sex, you MUST have sex?
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I couldn't disagree with you more, LuckyOne. As someone who doesn't have casual sex, having less than one handful of lovers and is 34 years old, I believe in clear signals and never having sex until you're ready for it. This back and forth, never saying no and continuing on and on, is asking for it. Even after he "stuck it in" she could have said "no" and pushed him off. She didn't. She took it. I would personally say she has major, major issues with sex, which she desperately needs to address and I firmly stand by that. Cock tease who won't own her responsibilities.
BenThereDunThat Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 So all clothes have to stay on, unless you intend on having intercourse? And if you want to have sex, you MUST have sex? Um, no. But if you're naked, participating in foreplay, saying repeatedly that you want to have sex so bad.... The guy was confused. I agree that "just sticking it in" was a little oafish on his part, but she needs to take some responsibility for her own actions here, too.
MindoverMatter Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 She is not without fault. However, I would have kicked the OP out right after he suggested pulling out as a safety method. I mean, come on.
dreamergrl Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I am torn here... Lucky makes a very good point. There were conversations prior to this where she did not want to have sex. Nor have I seen anything that said she wanted to have sex. OP states that he just stuck it in her.. and he was quick. I am wondering how quick it was, only because if it was very brief, she very well was confused and unsure of what to say or do before he pulled out. I know there's been a time or two where I didn't want to have sex, yet I allowed it to happen. I was upset at both MYSELF and my PARTNER. He knew I wasn't ready, and I was young and dumb thinking maybe I should do it just to make him happy. I also agree with Lucky that just because there is kissing and foreplay does not mean she wants to have sex. I think he should have clarified first. However, I do see TBF's point as well. She should learn to say no. This is why I think she is quite young. Many young girls can't find the voice to say no. It's kind of like one of those corny after school specials. I'm sure she's just as upset with herself for allowing something to happen that she didn't want to. Maybe she wants to forgive herself first before getting back to OP.
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Victimhood statement: "It's your fault I can't control myself". For that matter, having sex isn't just to the benefit of the man. The woman gets just as much, if not more from it. It's a pleasurable experience. I've yet to regret any sexual experience. Bar none. I have sex because I want to and are ready for it. Even cyber-sex and phone sex were hot and I got as much out of it, as hopefully the man did.
dreamergrl Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Victimhood statement: "It's your fault I can't control myself". I think they both are at fault though. I'd say it would be 100% her fault should she not have voiced several times that was not ready.
Author Explorer Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 In our prior conversations throughout dating, it's not that she never wanted to have sex. She did. But she first wanted a strong enough foundation to feel comfortable with it and I would know when. I was confused and thought last night was the "when." I feel like an idiot for not using a condom. Def don't deny that. It happens though...getting caught up in a heated passionate moment. It's hard to think about consequences under this 'high.' During the foreplay, there were other indications (Without going into too many specifics) that she was ready to have sex. Certainly a miscommunication oin both parts. She did mention that her not saying no was to please me, and not her. She is realtively young - mid 20's.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 The guy was confused. Then he shouldn't have just stuck it in, knowing how she felt. I whole heartedly agree with Lucky on this.
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I think they both are at fault though. I'd say it would be 100% her fault should she not have voiced several times that was not ready.That's like saying he's responsible for her words and actions. That holds no water with me. Say what you mean and enforce it. For that matter, why regret a pleasurable experience? It happened. She wanted it as much as he did and didn't push back. After she changed her mind in saying yes, she should have gotten up and gotten dressed. Why someone would get naked with anyone, if they don't plan to go all the way, defeats me.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 That's like saying he's responsible for her words and actions. That holds no water with me. Say what you mean and enforce it. He certainly didn't enfoce what he said though, did he? For that matter, why regret a pleasurable experience? It doesn't sound like it was though.
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 He certainly didn't enfoce what he said though, did he? It doesn't sound like it was though. I'm not changing my mind on this. This is her gate/boundary and her responsibility to maintain it. He never physically forced her to do anything.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I think what's tripping me up is, knowing that she changed her mind, he STUCK IT IN ANYWAY knowing that she didn't want it at worst, and was confused at best, and then was VERY QUICK. Did she even have a chance to maintain her boundary? That, we don't know.
Lucky_One Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Because feeling someone's skin against mine is pleasurable? It feels MUCH better to be touched if I don't have panties or a bra in the way! Now, granted, I am older, and I am a BIG communicator, and I don't mind saying, "I am NOT going to have sex with you even though I want to very very badly - feel here, see how wet I am and how horny you make me? etc etc". And if a man can't appreciate that I DO want him and that I AM turned on and that I am NOT ready for intercourse, and if he can't appreciate that if we make it to a level of relationship where I feel ready for love making that it will blow his mind - then we likely wouldn't have made it to the naked part. But like Dreamergirl, there are times when I was younger when it was very very hard to say No, and it took a few minutes to be able to push him away if he pushed me to a point beyond where I wanted to be. Women and men both can be weird creatures when it comes to their sexuality and their socializations, and if a woman believes that 1) a man will call her a cocktease for saying No once they have passed a certain point sexually or that 2) a guy won't like you anymore if you say No or that 3) she looks stupid and immature for saying No and that all the cool big girls are doing it (think SITC), then she can have a very VERY hard time saying No even if she is screaming it in her mind. Explorer, I hope it doesn't seem as though I am coming down really hard on you. Honestly, if you really like her, and if you believe that she really likes you, then there is no reason why this won't be just a temporary blip on the relationship radar. (Unless, as some posters have suggested, she DOES have a true issue with sex in general as being dirty or bad - and then she will need more help than LS posters can give! And she might - but she really really probably doesn't, IMHO) Send out some gentle feelers to her to see if she is ready to talk, meet her in a non-threatening atmosphere that is conducive to talking (dim is better, as sometimes women who struggle with communication about sex are just embarrassed to say what they mean, and that is why it is easier to talk if you aren't looking at each other, or on the phone, or in the dark, or by IM or email).
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