SuicideBlonde Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I dated my boyfriend 10 years ago and it didn't work out. I ended up marrying someone, having a child and getting divorced 2 years later. (I was still in love with my bf) My boyfriend and I got back together 3 years ago and we've been together ever since. We lived together for about 6 mos initially, but for the past 2 1/2 years I've had my own apartment. He proposed 3 mos after we got back together. We never set a date, though. After 2 years of being engaged and us not setting a date, I took the ring off. I told him it meant nothing to me if there was no real wedding in the future. He says he loves me, wants to marry me, can't stand the thought of me being with anyone else, etc. He has "issues" with marriage. (His ex wife ruined him financially in the divorce) I say, he got divorced 7 years ago. If I am "the one", none of that should matter. I'm attractive, smart, a great cook - heck, I've even been known to dress up in a little schoolgirl outfit and greet him at the door with his favorite cocktail. (TMI? Sorry!) I'm not a bad catch! So why do I feel like I'm trying to drag this guy down the wedding aisle? That's not how I want it to be. I want him to want to be with me. Sorry this is so long. Is the whole "marriage issue" excuse a cop-out? Is this really a legitimate reason? How long should I stick around? I'm 29, he's 39. I don't want to date forever; I ultimately see myself being married again. I want it to be with him, but I don't want to wait around forever and him never be able to commit. What do you think?
Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 The first thought I had while reading your post: Why the heck did he ask you to marry him if he has some "issues with marriage" and never intends to have a wedding? You said he can't stand the thought of you with someone else, I'm guessing that's the reason he proposed, so he can hold on to you. He's playing games. Speak with him, see where he is. Don't let him tell he wants to marry you but has "issues with marriage." That's an excuse, don't fall for it. Find out what he wants and then go from there. Oh also, why did you guys break up the first time around? You said you married someone else, was that to get your mind off of him?
Author SuicideBlonde Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 ** Re: Why we broke up the first time - He was married. (I know, I know) I got tired of him talking about getting divorced, being second fiddle...basically all the crap that goes with being with a married person. He's not the typical creep, though. He really is a nice, sensitive, gentle man. We get along great, have the same kind of humor - it's a good foundation. But yes, that's why I got married - to move on with my life and get my mind off of him.
asireen Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 He has "issues" with marriage. (His ex wife ruined him financially in the divorce) This is a very valid excuse ... once bitten, twice shy. A divorce can be financially devastating, and enough incentive for not marrying again.
zoe1983 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 hmmm so why don't you two sign a prenup and then set the date....he will set his mind at ease about the financial issues and you two can get married
fooled once Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 The old saying "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" popped up into my mind reading your post. So he got screwed financially the first time <shug> So. That was then, this is now. There are ways to protect yourself financially in the future. Sounds like he doesn't really want to get married. Sounds like he enjoys the living together. Let him know - that should something happen to him (medically) - you get NO say so in anything because you are 'just the girlfriend'. I personally can't believe you two have been 'engaged' for so long and you have tolerated that. IF the marriage certificate means nothing to you - if that commitment means nothing to him - keep living with him and being his girlfriend. But if you want more - take the ACTION needed to get what you want. Let him know - you want to be married. You don't want to be the girlfriend for the rest of your life. Set boundaries. Honestly, I am NOT someone who thinks ultimateums are the best idea, but seems like in this case, you need to. And follow through on the words. I have been divorced and remarried. There is no way I would have stayed "engaged" for as long as you have. Life is too short to not go after what you want. If you want to be married, let him know that. If he can't give you that, then end it and find someone else who wants to be married to you.
mark982 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 if you promise to wear the little school girl outfit--i'll marry you.
BlackWhite Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 ** Re: Why we broke up the first time - He was married. This "relationship" aka affair, was doomed from the beginning. Do you really think he is going to marry and respect his mistress who had a child with another man?
Author SuicideBlonde Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Had a serious (not the first - trust me) talk with my boyfriend. He knows how I feel. I'm really at the end of my rope. I've never been an ultimatum kind of person, but I'm at the point of either we want to move forward or we don't. No hard feelings - we just want different things. I HATE the "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" analogy, only because I hate being compared to a cow, but it's so, so true. We don't live together, but we live like, a mile away, so it's totally easy to just be together all the time. This week, while my daughter is away, we're staying at our respective places. I want him to remember the single life. BlackWhite - while your comment was pretty harsh, I do see where you are coming from. When I was a mistress I was about 20 years old - not my best judgement, for sure. I do give myself credit, however, for being the one to end it. The affair was about 10 years ago. The relationship is now. A lot has changed in 10 years. So this week, I'll start counseling. I've never really been, but I think it will be good to bounce everything off of a professional. From reading other posts on this board, I seem to be afflicted by a very common problem!
datura_noir Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 His ex-wife took him to the cleaners in the divorce, probably because she found out about his affair with you. That kind of info can spur a spouse to stick it to the other in a divorce....:rolleyes:He is probably thinking about that, and wants to make sure that he has an 'out' financially, so to speak if infidelity should come into play in your relationship. If you want to be his wife, and want him for your husband, state your desire and don't back down. But you have to be prepared to move on if he will not commit.
Author SuicideBlonde Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Well, happy to report that he had some kind of epiphany yesterday. After some stressful business things get cleared up in the next couple of weeks (he owns his own business) he plans on re-proposing and us setting a date.
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