mammax3 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 If the ex is following the same advice on LS about NC to "let them contact you" what happens then? You both want to get back together, but both parties are holding out, waiting for the other person to break NC and contact them first...
ATR Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Ermmm actually LS doesnt teach that. If you are the dumper you would not wait for them to contact you, would you, you do all you could to say you were sorry. The only reason the dumper would go NC is if they did actually care about you and want you to heal from your relationship together. Not wanting to string you along and give you false hope. NC is for thinking about yourself, it gives you the opportunity to become stronger than you have ever been in your life, use it to its full effect.
Exit Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 This is why I'm not too big on NC. It's a matter of ego. Eventually SOMEONE has to be the bigger person and make contact. And it doesn't really bother me if I'm the one to do it. If I get rejected, so what, I stood up for my feelings and took action based on them.
Island Girl Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Ermmm actually LS doesnt teach that. If you are the dumper you would not wait for them to contact you, would you, you do all you could to say you were sorry. The only reason the dumper would go NC is if they did actually care about you and want you to heal from your relationship together. Not wanting to string you along and give you false hope. NC is for thinking about yourself, it gives you the opportunity to become stronger than you have ever been in your life, use it to its full effect. This is it exactly. I am baffled by the people who get dumped - in essence the other person told them "I don't want you anymore" and yet they want to go plead their case to get back together with this person. The person who dumped you knew you. They were in a relationship with you. The only time you should contact after the dump would be if there was an apology owed for some kind of really bad action - like cheating - that happened and if THAT was the reason you got dumped. If you did nothing and they broke it off then you must move on to find someone who appreciates you. IF the dumper realizes their mistake they WILL do whatever it takes to explain to you that they want another chance with you.
adamt Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 If the ex is following the same advice on LS about NC to "let them contact you" what happens then? You both want to get back together, but both parties are holding out, waiting for the other person to break NC and contact them first... I wouldnt build your hopes up that the dumper wants to get back together. the odds of it happening are very small.
Author mammax3 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Right. I'm trying to get to that headspace. I kind of feel like the reason we broke up was because I was too much work, and didn't fit with him. And I guess even after I do some work on myself, we still wouldn't fit. I fluctuate between believing that I demonstrate strength and confidence when I do NC, and then thinking like Exit does - I should contact and feel as though I gave it my best shot to let him know that I am working on myself. He may call this week to go out for coffee. The idea of discussing the past has occurred to me, and then sometimes I think I should just keep it light. This is if he even calls. If he doesn't, I think that'll be it for me. I'm not breaking NC to contact him for a coffee, it'll be all him if we go out. I guess I was just wondering what he's thinking about me. Thanks for your input. What you're saying makes sense, but I'm not being very sensical some of the time right now.
Beeotch Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 If the ex is following the same advice on LS about NC to "let them contact you" what happens then? You both want to get back together, but both parties are holding out, waiting for the other person to break NC and contact them first... Someone is usually at fault in a break up....or someone initiated it. The reasons can be vast and varied and each situation is particular, but generally there is usually an imbalance. Most times you have one person trying to undo the break up, to fix things, calling this other person, trying to hang out, trying to get answers etc.... NC is the best in these imbalanced situations, where it is clear that one person is putting more effort into working things out, where one person has not let go, where the other party seems nonchalant and is not saying anything about getting back together, where they want space and all that. SOMEONE has to make the first move....and if you truly care about someone, you swallow your pride. Believe me. Just like in break-ups where one person swallows their pride and tries to get their ex back and tries to talk to them and emails them and all that.....it is the same thing. The thing is: it depends on the breakup. As I said...usually one person is wrong, one person wants to get back together more than the other or shows it more etc....if you have tried to no avail you have to let this person make the moves. If you already did all you could and you are now in NC...it is UP TO THEM! Just like you may have swallowed your pride and made all these attempts...now it is their turn and if they truly want you they are going to swallow their pride.
Beeotch Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 This is it exactly. I am baffled by the people who get dumped - in essence the other person told them "I don't want you anymore" and yet they want to go plead their case to get back together with this person. The person who dumped you knew you. They were in a relationship with you. The only time you should contact after the dump would be if there was an apology owed for some kind of really bad action - like cheating - that happened and if THAT was the reason you got dumped. If you did nothing and they broke it off then you must move on to find someone who appreciates you. IF the dumper realizes their mistake they WILL do whatever it takes to explain to you that they want another chance with you. Precisely.... If I break up with someone....it is up to me to undo that break up or to reach out to that person. If I break up with you I am not sitting around waiting for you to call me and try to reconcile....it isn't logical. I know it would be up to me and I would have to swallow my pride and apologize and try to work it out. Unless as you said the reason we broke up was because of things that you did really wrong that clearly lead to the breakup. People are not stupid...eve if we don't admit it to others...we KNOW within ourselves when we are in the wrong. And if you are a sincere person and you want me back, you will introspect and come back and say "Hey I was wrong"....if you know you are wrong but you are going to keep up appearances and front or be narcissistic and believe no matter what you are not going to apologize and I should chase after you...oh please...you can wait until thy kingdom come because 1.NOT GONNA HAPPEN and 2.I do not want to be with someone who isn't grown enough to apologize and admit their faults.
Island Girl Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I'm not breaking NC to contact him for a coffee, it'll be all him if we go out. Contact means NC is broken. If he contacts you and you talk to him - NC is broken. If he texts you and asks you to meet him and you do - NC is broken. Any contact no matter who initiated breaks NC. The general rule of thumb is you don't respond to any contact where the dumper hasn't expressed wanting to talk about getting back together. If you do go for coffee, please keep in mind you may have a couple of really down days right after. It seems to be the pattern. Contact without some sort of reconciliation takes you back to square one.
NopeNah Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Contact without some sort of reconciliation takes you back to square one. This is SOOO true!
Island Girl Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 This is SOOO true! Yes. And THAT is why you are NC until you hear those words "I made a mistake" or "I really want another chance" or at the very least "I really need to talk to you, can we meet up somewhere". And once someone has discarded you or stomped on your heart then they should make amends for that. You shouldn't leap back into their arms as if nothing happened --- I can tell you right now you'll be back to the break up within weeks --- you should take it slow with a lot of proving being done on their side. You gave them your heart and they didn't care for it. Your heart should be the most important thing to you. And YOU need to be responsible in caring for it. Don't be in a rush to hand it over to someone who abused it. Make sure lessons were really learned and that things WILL be different this time.
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