Kellybeeb Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Hi Guys Just wanting a bit of advice as im finding it hard to get over a discusion me and my fiance (getting married in Sept) had yesterday. I am 20 (21 in August) he is 25 (26 in Sept) we get married on our 5 year annivesery this September. Pretty much since we got together we have talked bout having children, I have always been very maternal and wanted a child from being very young. Now i know i am still young but all i have wanted out of my life is children, so age doesnt come into that. I knew he wasnt quite ready but i thought that it wouldnt be long before he was. I have the implant in that comes out in Feb 2011 and i said after that i couldnt have another one in as they last 3 years and i dont think i could go that much longer, he agreed that maybe have the pill for a while but yeah sounds about right. But yesterday we were in Nandos having dinner and there was a little 1 year old baby in there, she was really cute giggling loads and i said aww look how cute, i cant wait till we have them. Suddenly he got really defensive about it and told me to stop going on about it, said that if we had a kid now and it was his day at home with it he wouldnt bother getting up, said that he didnt want them til he was at least 30 and wanted me to stop talking bout it all together. To me this was a complete shock, maybe i just didnt pay attention to signs before or maybe he was just agreeing with me to keep me happy. I dont know what to do, its not just that i want a child i need one i have days where i cant imagine the next year without one and i feel i have been very patient with waiting for him to be ready i am just hurt that he waited so long to tell me he doesnt want a baby let me believe that it wouldnt be long. Any advise would be appricated.
Thaddeus Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 The baby discussion can be a huge hurdle to overcome if both parties aren't on the same page. Here, at least as I see it, is the crux of the issue. I've added the bolding to clarify the assumption:I knew he wasnt quite ready but i thought that it wouldnt be long before he was.So the sense I'm getting - and please let me know if I'm incorrect, because I've been wrong before - is that you were making an assumption that his hesitation about having a baby was something that would change. But - this is my assumption here - you and he never really discussed it, you just figured that time and your influence would change his mind. Before I go on, is my assumption correct?
Author Kellybeeb Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Not entierly correct. When we disccused the Implant we had the baby chat (which was oly a year and a bit ago) I said to him that i wouldnt be able to wait another 3 years after that, he said that i may need to go on the pill for around a year or so then he may be ready. That to me was that he wanted children soon just would quite ready. And the fact that on many occasions he has been the one who has pointed out cute babies in the supermarket or has said to me that he cant wait for us to have our own children has always made me believe he just didnt want one in the next year or so.
Thaddeus Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 OK, thanks for the clarification. It sounds like you and he actually are on the same page. You both want kids - it's just that the timing between what you expect and what he expects is a little different. He said he didn't want any kids until he was 30, and you want them sooner. I don't see any reason why you and he can't come to some sort of compromise about this. But I do see that he's getting pretty defensive about it based on what you wrote in your original post so he's undoubtedly feeling pressured. All that said, I think you should take him at his word. He said he didn't figure he'd be ready for kids until he's around 30. I don't think that's a power play or there's any sort of hidden meaning in it. He means it, he's not kidding, which is why he's getting so defensive about it. Can you live with that decision? (Trust me on this: Having kids early on in a marriage is hugely stressful. I'd recommend a minimum - bare minimum - of one year of married with just the two of you before trying for children.)
burningashes Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Thad is right- wait at least a year of being married before you start trying for children. Most people don't have children till their late 20's because of careers/school etc. Is your boyfriend trying to get his career started? It would be understandable if he wanted to have children later at that age so he can focus on school or his career, so that he can be financially stable to provide for a family. For the most part aside from being ready, that's the reason why most men wait. He may also not be emotionally ready for children even if he seems to be. If you plan on marrying him, you have to be able to compromise him on this issue because this may very well turn into a deal breaker for you. In the mean time, enjoy getting married to him, maybe travel a bit or go to school if you haven't already. Because once you have children, your freedom gets very limited, so enjoy that while you can.
Els Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I think in this case the question that you need to ask yourself is glaringly obvious: Which is more important to you, your relationship with this man or having a child by next year? Frankly, unless you are a very rare person, I think 20 is a bit too young to be marrying, let alone having children. I know people did that in the past and still do in many countries (sometimes because they aren't given a choice), but in these times I believe the best option is to wait. If you wait, you still have the rest of your LIFE to have children, and you'll have gained more life experience and a more stable career/lifestyle to provide a better life and better guidance for them. Once you do have them though.. there's no turning back. No 'Oh dear, I should have waited'. Are you in a stable job at the moment? Frankly, you sound like you're stamping your feet and saying 'I can't bear it if I don't have a child NOW!', which is a worrisome attitude for a mother-to-be. My mother, despite how much she wanted me, patiently waited 5 years for me because the circumstances weren't ideal to be bringing me into the world yet. If you can't do that for your child, should you really be having one?
Thaddeus Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I think in this case the question that you need to ask yourself is glaringly obvious: Which is more important to you, your relationship with this man or having a child by next year? <snip> Frankly, you sound like you're stamping your feet and saying 'I can't bear it if I don't have a child NOW!', which is a worrisome attitude for a mother-to-be... If you can't do that for your child, should you really be having one? +1. Quoted for truth.
Quickill Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Frankly, unless you are a very rare person, I think 20 is a bit too young to be marrying, let alone having children. I know people did that in the past and still do in many countries (sometimes because they aren't given a choice), but in these times I believe the best option is to wait. First off. The development of people marring and having children at an early age (20's) is a recent one, mostly with in the last 60 years. It happened somewhat in the late 1800's but did not really become popular until the babyboomers. It used to be a man would not marry until he had himself established in a trade, usually in his mid 30's. I also agree with most posters that you should wait until you've been married at least a year and have established your dynamic as a married couple, because regardless of what you may think being married changes everything. Also don't pressure him, I know this sounds bad but I've seen it before. If you pressure him to have a child he may come to resent you and the child. I'm not trying to beat up on you here, I'm just saying take a deep breath and evaluate the situation logically. Easier said than done I know, but try to see it from his side. He loves you (I hope since your getting married) and he said himself he wants kids but he's probably worried about providing for you two as it is. Have faith and don't force the issue.
kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 You are too young to have a baby. You have no idea what real responsibility is. You want to grow up and play house but you're not even close to ready. You are TWENTY. It would be a disaster if you got pregnant. STOP pressuring your BF about this when the reality is that anyone with two eyes can see that you probably couldn't care for a ferret at this age, let alone a newborn.
Thaddeus Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 you probably couldn't care for a ferret at this age, let alone a newborn. Nahhh... ferrets are a snap. Now, Komodo dragons, they're different. [/hijack]
kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Whatevs. She'd kill a lizard by forgetting to feed it.
Els Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 First off. The development of people marring and having children at an early age (20's) is a recent one, mostly with in the last 60 years. It happened somewhat in the late 1800's but did not really become popular until the babyboomers. It used to be a man would not marry until he had himself established in a trade, usually in his mid 30's. I meant for a woman, sorry. Most women in the early times married rather young. At least from all the classical novels I've ever read, all the brides were very young. Edit: To be fair to the OP, I think I'd like to point out that there ARE people who can care for ferrets (and more!) at the age of 20. But it's extremely rare that a person can be an ideal mother (or as close to ideal as possible) at that age. God I'm 23 and the thought of molding a young mind scares the bejeebus outta me. OP, think of how much you're shortchanging your kids by not being at your best for them, at the most crucial time of their lives, if you do have them now. If you love kids so much have you ever considered doing long-term babysitting (not the kind where you just pop in for 2 hours a week)? You'll be helping grateful mothers out, the kids will grow to love you, and you'll have experience when you do have your own.
Enema Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Also noticed this: I am 20 (21 in August) he is 25 (26 in Sept) we get married on our 5 year annivesery this September. Been together since you were 15 and he was 20? He's your first relationship?
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