Road To Joy Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 acceptance. Please allow me to explain. As cynical or jaded this may sound – I believe nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Relationships, friendships, whatever have you. They’re all ended by something. Most are ended by drifting feelings and changed interests, and some are ended by death (even if that means the end of a long lived life). I remember being madly in love with my ex. So in love I was afraid of it ending when one of us died, even if I spent the rest of my life with her. I would ask her, “Kels, do you think if we love each enough we’ll be together in our afterlife, whatever or wherever that may be?” I was honestly terrified of dying. Not because I’m afraid of the ‘unknown’ (afterlife), or death itself. I was just afraid wherever I was to go afterwords was somewhere different than her. I wanted her literally for eternity. This lifetime, and then some. Just her, that’s all I needed. I didn’t care if I went to hell, as long as she was with me. I didn’t care if I reincarnated into an insect or a plant, as long as she was with me. Accept everything will someday end. I know it sounds painful, but that’s where acceptance comes in. If you ACCEPT the fact that it’s going to end at some point, it won’t hurt. All you have to worry about is the feelings being genuine. That way if it doesn’t work out, unfaithfulness kicks in, feelings drift, problems arise or even if they pass away, at least you know at one point in your lives, he/she DID love you. And guess what? NOTHING can change that. Because it’s the past, and NOTHING can change the past. Whether they love you still or not, they did at one point, and nobody can take that away from you. ----- "When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. And when the brokenhearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer, let it be. And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be." ----- Live your life. Don’t dwell on the past. Accept what you can’t change, let it be, and move forward. I promise you can do it.
Giha Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I agree, but it is a very hard thing to do and can take a long time. My ex told me when we where together that what we have will end someday, I was shocked to hear her say that...I never thought of ending it. Like you said, I wanted to be with her forever...thinking that it might end was horrifying...little did I know, it happend a week after. It was hard to realize until now that what we had was based on a lie, or an illusion. I mean, my part in this was real. I loved her like I have never loved before and probably not again any time soon. She, on the other hand, did not..I was merely a rebound. She said she loved me, but I know now that was not true even if she really thought she did. It took me a while, but I think I'm starting to accept what happened and turn it as a lesson in life and relationships. Maybe it was for the best, so when a right woman comes along, I will know better. This wasn't an easy thing to accept, though...I spent nights over nights drilling about this in my head..many sleepless nights. But its kind of a relief to accept things and as the legendary song says, let it be.
Author Road To Joy Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 I agree, but it is a very hard thing to do and can take a long time. My ex told me when we where together that what we have will end someday, I was shocked to hear her say that...I never thought of ending it. Like you said, I wanted to be with her forever...thinking that it might end was horrifying...little did I know, it happend a week after. It was hard to realize until now that what we had was based on a lie, or an illusion. I mean, my part in this was real. I loved her like I have never loved before and probably not again any time soon. She, on the other hand, did not..I was merely a rebound. She said she loved me, but I know now that was not true even if she really thought she did. My ex, too, towards the end said she thought we weren't going to last forever. I was like wtf? How can she say this and how can she sound so careless? I told myself many, many times after we broke up that I simply fell in love with a dream. For all the time we were together, I built this fantasy in my head. I told myself she was all these wonderful things and illustrated to myself what our future would look like. But now I know this was all self-deception. I took shelter in this dream I had created. In the end what she really was rose to the surface. And who she really is is far from the person I fell in love with. She turned into a monster, to say the least. With that said, I believe a big part of this recovery process is mourning the death of a dream, not only mourning the loss of someone we love(d). Ever notice how scary it is to think of the future after a breakup? Because all our plans, and interpretations of our future went down the drain, which leaves us with no foundation. We have to rebuild our future. It took me a while, but I think I'm starting to accept what happened and turn it as a lesson in life and relationships. Maybe it was for the best, so when a right woman comes along, I will know better. This wasn't an easy thing to accept, though...I spent nights over nights drilling about this in my head..many sleepless nights. But its kind of a relief to accept things and as the legendary song says, let it be. It took me a while, too. The first couple of weeks, I was a wreck. And the thought of accepting what had happened seemed impossible. Overtime, though, I started getting excited about the future. And that's a very pleasing stage You start feeling hopeful for once! I was so happy, cause I really didn't think I would ever reach that. Time is a funny thing.
tinke Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I, too, had realized for some time now that most things do change. Unconditional love is a constant, an exception. Funny, because we are constantly changing, whether we realize this or not. Our dreams, goals, along with the simple things, as, food choices, fashion, decor, seem to sway to a different direction. I guess it teaches us to prioritize and enjoy! I have often thought, "this will end at some time", not to be grim, but to acknowledge that it will at least change to some degree...sometimes for the better.
Giha Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 My ex, too, towards the end said she thought we weren't going to last forever. I was like wtf? How can she say this and how can she sound so careless? I told myself many, many times after we broke up that I simply fell in love with a dream. For all the time we were together, I built this fantasy in my head. I told myself she was all these wonderful things and illustrated to myself what our future would look like. But now I know this was all self-deception. I took shelter in this dream I had created. In the end what she really was rose to the surface. And who she really is is far from the person I fell in love with. She turned into a monster, to say the least. With that said, I believe a big part of this recovery process is mourning the death of a dream, not only mourning the loss of someone we love(d). Ever notice how scary it is to think of the future after a breakup? Because all our plans, and interpretations of our future went down the drain, which leaves us with no foundation. We have to rebuild our future. It took me a while, too. The first couple of weeks, I was a wreck. And the thought of accepting what had happened seemed impossible. Overtime, though, I started getting excited about the future. And that's a very pleasing stage You start feeling hopeful for once! I was so happy, cause I really didn't think I would ever reach that. Time is a funny thing. Yup, I know what you mean. Sometimes I have this funny feeling, something alot like hope and expectation of what's to come. "Moving on is a simple thing, it's what you leave behind that's hard" I find this sentence very true and it fits with what you said. At first when she dumped me I was all like "now what? where's my reason to get up in the morning?" Moving on seemed impossible, I just couldn't accept leaving all my feelings for her behind...but time is a funny thing indeed, although time has a way of taking time Eventualy all the pieces will fall into place.
Author Road To Joy Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 I, too, had realized for some time now that most things do change. Unconditional love is a constant, an exception. Funny, because we are constantly changing, whether we realize this or not. Our dreams, goals, along with the simple things, as, food choices, fashion, decor, seem to sway to a different direction. I guess it teaches us to prioritize and enjoy! I have often thought, "this will end at some time", not to be grim, but to acknowledge that it will at least change to some degree...sometimes for the better. "The only kind of love that lasts forever is the type your mommy gives you." I believe in that quote. I'm not sure if I believe in unconditional love (other than that your mom offers). You can fall in love and unconditionally love somebody, and overtime your feelings can change, and you don't feel that way anymore. I don't think anything lasts forever, and that's one of the hardest things to accept. Yup, I know what you mean. Sometimes I have this funny feeling, something alot like hope and expectation of what's to come. "Moving on is a simple thing, it's what you leave behind that's hard" I find this sentence very true and it fits with what you said. At first when she dumped me I was all like "now what? where's my reason to get up in the morning?" Moving on seemed impossible, I just couldn't accept leaving all my feelings for her behind...but time is a funny thing indeed, although time has a way of taking time Eventualy all the pieces will fall into place. Indeed! As all of this gets put behind me, though, I can't help but feel a bit sad. I guess it's actually letting it go and accepting the fact it's never coming back. It's sad because I really did enjoy some of the time I spent with her, and now it's gone forever. But I have to be hopeful for the future and know that more is to come. Actually, I'm pretty sure this is the case for everybody.
Giha Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Indeed! As all of this gets put behind me, though, I can't help but feel a bit sad. I guess it's actually letting it go and accepting the fact it's never coming back. It's sad because I really did enjoy some of the time I spent with her, and now it's gone forever. But I have to be hopeful for the future and know that more is to come. Actually, I'm pretty sure this is the case for everybody. True. Sure, at first you can't imagine yourself with anyone else, but as time flows that feeling disappears. I still get really sad at time, though. The memories of us together are so painful...every moment I spent with her was of pure happiness. I was never truly happy until I met her. I hope I can find another woman who can fill the holes in my heart and really truly love me back. I wish that to you and everyone here too.
hoping2heal Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 If the feelings change, it's because the fire wasn't fed. People get complacent in relationships, "Okay I'm secure now, I no longer have to do anything besides wake up in the morning." I observe a lot of things, mostly because what I'm really looking out for, is that long standing love. I've witnessed it a few times, and I've witnessed on fire love fade out. People forget that love is a fire, it needs room to breathe, and room to thrive. It needs to be fed to continue burning. If you hear people say yeah, we're still in love but it's work, they are smart. It is work, because the easiest thing to do once you've fallen in love is stay stagnant. You get comfortable, you no longer go out of your way to make one another feel romanced, or make things new. You just relax and enjoy, but that doesn't feed your relationship. Even though it goes against the grain of comfort, you have to keep on your toes, and keep that relationship fresh, and people do it. Yes, maybe one day to be seperated in death. But as for this feelings change crap, Yes, when you fall in love with someone and they stop making you feel special, stop growing as a person and vice versa. Not every connection has to fade out, but you have to keep it fed so it can burn. Fed and with the right amount of oxygen .
Author Road To Joy Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 True. Sure, at first you can't imagine yourself with anyone else, but as time flows that feeling disappears. I still get really sad at time, though. The memories of us together are so painful...every moment I spent with her was of pure happiness. I was never truly happy until I met her. I hope I can find another woman who can fill the holes in my heart and really truly love me back. I wish that to you and everyone here too. Thanks, man! And I wish that for you, too. It's good to know I'm not on this boat alone and honestly, out of all the time I've been on here you're probably the one I feel I can relate the most to. Good luck to you. If the feelings change, it's because the fire wasn't fed. People get complacent in relationships, "Okay I'm secure now, I no longer have to do anything besides wake up in the morning." I observe a lot of things, mostly because what I'm really looking out for, is that long standing love. I've witnessed it a few times, and I've witnessed on fire love fade out. People forget that love is a fire, it needs room to breathe, and room to thrive. It needs to be fed to continue burning. If you hear people say yeah, we're still in love but it's work, they are smart. It is work, because the easiest thing to do once you've fallen in love is stay stagnant. You get comfortable, you no longer go out of your way to make one another feel romanced, or make things new. You just relax and enjoy, but that doesn't feed your relationship. Even though it goes against the grain of comfort, you have to keep on your toes, and keep that relationship fresh, and people do it. Yes, maybe one day to be seperated in death. But as for this feelings change crap, Yes, when you fall in love with someone and they stop making you feel special, stop growing as a person and vice versa. Not every connection has to fade out, but you have to keep it fed so it can burn. Fed and with the right amount of oxygen . Yes, love is like a fire that needs to be fed. But overtime, things change. I'm not talking about the love and relationship itself, I'm talking about circumstances. You grow, you get married, you have kids, you enter a career, whatever have you. These things take up time. You have to go to work, you have to raise kids, etc. I do believe taking time even if you're busy to do something nice for you loved one (aka, feeding the fire) is essential but imagine having such a hectic life, you need someone who understands that. I want to be able to go to sleep next to my wife at the end of the day knowing she loves me and knowing her feelings aren't going to change or drift simply because I've been more busy lately than before. I don't want to live in fear wondering if my wife is falling out of love with me simply because we haven't made love that week, or because we haven't had time to go out to eat together. But that's also where communication comes in. I would like my wife to tell me that she wants to make more effort to spend a little time together or alone. Not keep everything bottled up and let us drift apart. It isn't high school. You don't have all the time in the world to set up romantic dinners, or go out together. Yes, these things are needed. But I believe there are things more important than that. Like understanding and communication.
tinke Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Hoping to heal, I couldn't agree with you more...love takes work! Unfortunately, at times, we forget to keep that upfront. Life can be consuming, some are faced with major issues and one would think/expect the other to be patient and loyal, at the very least communicative--such isn't always the case! Most would say that when it is happening, they are totally unaware, because you would expect your partner to be there or express their discontent before taking off.
Author Road To Joy Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 one would think/expect the other to be patient and loyal, at the very least communicative--such isn't always the case! Absolutely! I believe this is the main problem.
broken_promises Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Accept everything will someday end. I know it sounds painful, but that’s where acceptance comes in. If you ACCEPT the fact that it’s going to end at some point, it won’t hurt. I disagree... although for some, this kind of acceptance might actually help but for me it didn't at all. My current relationship/breakup is with a man that I pretty much prepared myself from the beginning for not being with someday. I think it was a defensiveness in me. In fact, he had a hard time with it at first... the fact that I was prepared for us to have a 2-3 year relationship. He couldn't understand how I could go into something already 'knowing' it would end someday. I spoke just like you in this post. And guess what? All of my preparation and acceptance and knowledge that we would not be a "forever" kind of relationship is not helping lessen the hurt now that I am not with him. In fact, that is bothering me even more... the fact that I knew this and it is STILL hurting!
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