kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 You have to guess or intuit, using your savvy dating experience, if she's gonna call me back. The situation: met a girl in class a couple months back, got her number, called and left a message, no response. However - she comes to class and apologizes for not returning my call, something about being busy, smiling and flirty while explaining this to me. I never follow through, not wanting to annoy her further, thinking she can call me or something. (A passive error.) Cut to: Tonight. I get inspired to text her and do so: "Hi L, this is Kizik, would you like to grab a coffee next week?" (She's mentioned she's 20 and thus can't drink.) Reply: "Sure, give me a call and let me know your schedule." So, I'm bored, it's Friday night, I call twenty minutes later. No answer. I leave a VM: "Hey, I'm not busy Monday or Thursday, hit me back, hope you're having a good weekend." So... with all that information.. in your best guess... will she call back? Did I act too soon? Or was it innocent enough, and I should relax a bit? Be honest. Thanks, all.
WhyYesThankYou Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I think you may be in danger of friend-zoning yourself through your timing. If you call text and call her on a Friday night asking her about coffee the following week, it's kind of sending the message that you don't want to date her this weekend, but you'll grab a casual cup of coffee with her the following week. Nothing wrong with that at all - asking someone for a coffee first. But I'm thinking that asking someone on a Friday night for a coffee on Monday is not the best way to fast-track yourself into seeing her. She may be wondering what you have going on this weekend, who you're actually dating between now and Monday. She might have gotten the impression you want her as a back-up in case your weekend girls don't work out. (I could be over-analyzing this, but this is how I'd think if someone asked me out Friday night for Monday/Tuesday.) If you haven't heard from her by Monday, I suggest getting back to her with a specific proposal: Tuesday 10am at XYZ Cafe because they have great seating/bagels/atmosphere. Something specific that she has to accept or decline, rather than the very vague, "Coffee sometime?" In the meantime, go out this weekend and share some of your wit and intellect with girls in the real world!
Author kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Good input, and thank you. Though I asked her about next week, it turns out she's busy this weekend, anyway. I guess the reason I asked about next week is cuz I felt like it was "short notice" to ask about this weekend or something. IDK. I'm such a freaking newb about dating, you have no idea. Relationships have been my whole life for too long. I doubt she thinks I'm the player type, for what it's worth. Thanks for the response.
Author kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 You aren't going to get anywhere with her. Go ahead and tell me why, pimp.
Land Shark Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 She's not showing any interest. She's just being nice until you stop.
boogieboy Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Yeaeh you should def make a specific date. Like what WYTY said, "cafe wha, 10pm at this address" My sinic side says she is only looking for attention from you and is feeding you scraps to keep you trying..but it might be too soon to tell.
Author kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 She's not showing any interest. She's just being nice until you stop. OK. Thanks.
boogieboy Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 She's not showing any interest. She's just being nice until you stop. Since shes not interested, and shes too much of a coward to tell you shes not, nows the time to get a lil revenge on her and keep texting her and completely blow this up by annoying her until she finally has the balls to tell you to stop. Then you say "Thats how you turn a guy down, you dont string him along like a high schooler".
Left in a Lurch Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I apologize if what I type sounds harsh, but no 20 year old is too busy for anything they want to do. I don't care if she takes 21 credit hours and works 2 jobs and has 4 kids, no 20 year old is too busy to go out with someone they want to, ever. Ever. It's just an easy excuse because she is flattered you are interested but she is not overly interested. She doesn't want to be mean, but you'll find out she's always got an excuse- class work, friend's birthday, not feeling well, going home for the weekend, her friend broke up with her boyfriend and needs her, she got invited to a party she doesn't want to go to but promised a friend, she has to drive someone somewhere at the exact time you want to meet her, she'll get back to you- she thinks she is free- but doesn't remember her schedule at the moment you ask her, she might have to work that night but she's not sure, a friend from out of town MIGHT be visiting her that night... Keep asking her and it will seem like fate will do everything in it's power to keep you two apart. She will act like she really wants to go out but by some inconceivable force of the universe, every time you are free will just happen to match exactly to the times she has something out of her control totally, pop up. Note that everything that pops up will be something that she can not reschedule because it will not be up to her, out of her control. Feel free to try asking out for a Thursday and tell her you are busy Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. She will say, "ohhh, I have XXX on Thursday and it usually lasts all night. Too bad, I would have gone out Friday!" Then try telling her you were mistaken and you are free Friday, and don't be surprised when she says, "Well actually I forgot Friday my friend was supposed to come in to visit but she wasn't sure so I'm not sure if I am actually going to be free then, call me that day." The whole, let me know your schedule is because when you tell her what days you are free, she can say she is free every day but those. Next time tell her you are free every day at any time, and I bet she has a major test that week that will require all her time, day and night to prepare for. I hope I am wrong, good luck. I would say don't put a lot of effort into this.
Land Shark Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 She's not stringing you along. It would be weird for her to blurt out "No. I don't want to date you." When all you've done is suggest coffee at some vague time in the future. You haven't actually pinned her down to make her decide anything. You're just waiting for her to opt in, and as long as she doesn't she doesn't owe any explanations. No big deal. You just need to learn to spot disinterest sooner so you don't bother yourself with texts and phone calls. On the other side of the coin: you need to be able to see when a girl digs you. Also you need to be a bit more definitive in your approach. The next level, of course, is where you can charm any girl who isn't interested into actually liking you. That requires a whole different way of thinking.
Left in a Lurch Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 No big deal. You just need to learn to spot disinterest sooner so you don't bother yourself with texts and phone calls. On the other side of the coin: you need to be able to see when a girl digs you. Also you need to be a bit more definitive in your approach. The next level, of course, is where you can charm any girl who isn't interested into actually liking you. That requires a whole different way of thinking. Land Shark makes an awesome points. I took my lumps when I was younger and the one thing I found is if you have to ask if a girl you've approached is interested in you, it's because you read signals that say she's not. After a few of these situations I looked back and everything was clear from the beginning and all along I knew if she was or wasn't, I just didn't accept if she wasn't and tried to "find" clues that she was.
Author kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 No big deal. You just need to learn to spot disinterest sooner so you don't bother yourself with texts and phone calls. On the other side of the coin: you need to be able to see when a girl digs you. Also you need to be a bit more definitive in your approach. Agreed on all points. I've been noticing the girls that have been digging me lately, but the feeling hasn't been mutual. [Well, that's not entirely true. There's the girl that was over here the other night, who told me she liked me, but is hung up on her exBF. Who knows - girls in their 20s...] Land Shark makes an awesome points. I took my lumps when I was younger and the one thing I found is if you have to ask if a girl you've approached is interested in you, it's because you read signals that say she's not. After a few of these situations I looked back and everything was clear from the beginning and all along I knew if she was or wasn't, I just didn't accept if she wasn't and tried to "find" clues that she was. Totally agreed as well. If she likes you, you'll know it, and the problem is wondering, worrying, etc., if they like you when it's clear to any outside observer (LS, for example) that they don't.
one goal Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I say you keep contacting her. Im kinda in a similar situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193777/
Author kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 I say you keep contacting her. No, these guys are right. Lessons learned. Recognize the signs of disinterest and save yourself the trouble, and play the game smoother. No point in bothering the poor girl.
prettybaby Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I'm not feeling it. She's already had TWO opportunities to call you back and she hasn't called you once. At this point I'd say: wait and see. Don't make any further moves. It sounds to me like she's flattered about the attention, hence her being nice and even maybe a bit flirty with you. However, she's not interested enough to keep the ball rolling. You'll know by next week. If you haven't heard from her by then, or if she makes up some lame excuse about being too busy at the moment, then drop it and move on. A girl who's interested won't play games, she'll make sure to stay in touch and will be eager to get that cup of coffee with you.
skjd1220 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I don't think her response shows disinterest just yet. I've had guys generally mentioned getting together via text and I have replied with the 'call me and we'll schedule something'. I do that for two reasons 1) it makes sure that the guy is really serious about going out. If you want to see me, call me. 2) It's 100 times easier to schedule something over the phone for coordinating schedules. You did call her back on Friday evening. She might have been out or with friends so she was able to text and not call. You did leave her your availability on the voicemail so I'd say the ball is in her court to return your message now. I have a feeling you'll hear from her, but maybe not until the end of the weekend, like Sunday. Good luck!
boogieboy Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Only you would do that, boogieboy... Im the worst aint I?
Isolde Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 It's hard to tell, kizik. I'm leaning towards that she's not all that interested (but then again--you didn't really see R potential yourself, did you?) Also, remember, lots of 20-year olds aren't that experienced. If she's somewhat interested, but doesn't believe you're truly interested, she may well have decided to push this to the side, thinking the ball is in your court. So it could really go either way. It doesn't sound like she's annoyed or put off by your interest though. I think you'd be able to tell if she was.
Lucky_One Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Someone mentioned you screwed up by not asking her out for this weekend, when you called on Friday night. 1) I don't accept dates at the last minute. If someone wants to see me, then they can ask in advance. 2) Most girls don't want to jump up and say "Oh yes! I'll be ready in 15 minutes!" because then they look like no-life losers who will take any invite at the last minute. You did the right thing, IMHO, asking her out for coffee next week. I can't say she's disinterested. Just because she didn't call you back from a few months ago doesn't really mean much; isn't the standard LS advice to women to NOT call guys and be too available, and to let the guy do the chasing for the first part of the R? As for being "busy" always being a blow-off, yes, it would be, if someone is ALWAYS busy. When I was in my 20's, I certainly had times when I was too busy to make a date with someone. But in this situation, she has only been "busy" the one time. Calling someone on Friday night and that person already has plans isn't making an excuse of being "busy" - it's called having a life and friends and prior plans. Yes, she was busy, but most people ARE too busy to drop everything on a phone call for immediate plans.
boogieboy Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Someone mentioned you screwed up by not asking her out for this weekend, when you called on Friday night. 1) I don't accept dates at the last minute. If someone wants to see me, then they can ask in advance. 2) Most girls don't want to jump up and say "Oh yes! I'll be ready in 15 minutes!" because then they look like no-life losers who will take any invite at the last minute. You did the right thing, IMHO, asking her out for coffee next week. I can't say she's disinterested. Just because she didn't call you back from a few months ago doesn't really mean much; isn't the standard LS advice to women to NOT call guys and be too available, and to let the guy do the chasing for the first part of the R? As for being "busy" always being a blow-off, yes, it would be, if someone is ALWAYS busy. When I was in my 20's, I certainly had times when I was too busy to make a date with someone. But in this situation, she has only been "busy" the one time. Calling someone on Friday night and that person already has plans isn't making an excuse of being "busy" - it's called having a life and friends and prior plans. Yes, she was busy, but most people ARE too busy to drop everything on a phone call for immediate plans. He was calling her Friday to find out if she could go out on Monday or thursday, not for that same friday night.
Author kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 It sounds to me like she's flattered about the attention, hence her being nice and even maybe a bit flirty with you. However, she's not interested enough to keep the ball rolling. A girl who's interested won't play games, she'll make sure to stay in touch and will be eager to get that cup of coffee with you. Thanks prettybaby, yeah, she's had plenty of chances to get ahold of me, and it's rather clear that she just doesn't give a hoot. You're right - if she was down, I'd know it. I have a feeling you'll hear from her, but maybe not until the end of the weekend, like Sunday. Interesting. Thanks for the input, SKJD! I'll update this thread with any new developments. It's hard to tell, kizik. I'm leaning towards that she's not all that interested (but then again--you didn't really see R potential yourself, did you?) Hi Isolde, this is a different girl than the other one I was talking about, but as you say, she IS 20... a bit young and indecisive, but I was into her precisely for her maturity. You did the right thing, IMHO, asking her out for coffee next week. I can't say she's disinterested. Just because she didn't call you back from a few months ago doesn't really mean much; isn't the standard LS advice to women to NOT call guys and be too available, and to let the guy do the chasing for the first part of the R? And that's exactly what I was thinking when I texted her again last night. You know, in the last couple months I've really been trying to "figure out" dating, but one thing I've hit upon is that I don't mind being the pursuer and that the guy should persue. So, I texted her out of the blue, knowing full well she hadn't responded to my earlier invites. Kind of giving her one last chance or something. I appreciate your perspective, Lucky One.
Author kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 He was calling her Friday to find out if she could go out on Monday or thursday, not for that same friday night. Yeah, I called at like 10PM Friday night asking about next week. There's no way I'd call that late asking about the same night or even the next day. Just seems way too last minute.
Lucky_One Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 He was calling her Friday to find out if she could go out on Monday or thursday, not for that same friday night. I know that. WhyYesThankYou posted that he messed up by not asking her out for the weekend. I disagree with that.
Recommended Posts