Husband left, leaving me and three small children without money to live...now what?

[TamaraR]

I have been married for 6 1/2 years. And been with my husband for 10. On Monday he packed his bags and left. He won't call, or call me back when I leave messages on his phone. He has closed down our bank account and left me high and dry. What do I do now?

 

We have 3 small children ages 4, 6, and 8. I do not work outside of the home becasue I always stayed home with the children. But with no money or job, how do I put food on the table? Pay the bills? Is there anyway to get something out of him?

 

I really don't want to file for a divorce. I do not want one. But yet again, do I really want to wait for him to remove his head from his rear? Should I contact a lawyer now? My parents say that I should. They said I should be documenting everything he is doing? But where do I start? Do I have to call a lawyer? Or should I contact a shelter first to see what they think?

 

I could really use some advice. I am lost here. And have no idea where to start.

Thanks

[Tony T]

So your husband leaves you high and dry without money to feed your kids and you want to wait around until HE gets his head out of his rear? See at attorney TODAY to obtain a court order giving your emergency relief in the way of payments from your husband to keep your family alive. Then file for divorce. Why would there be any question in your mind about leaving a man who would take off and leave his family without support? This is the most heinous thing any man could do.

 

I also think you should get some job training. There are programs that will pay you while you train. You need to be able to keep yourself going when things like this happen. Don't depend on men...that's nuts!!!

[Fancy]

I'm sorry your husband has done this to you and his 3 innocent children. He is a total loser for this. Even an animal won't leave their children without a way to fend for themselves.

 

I agree with everything Tony said. Call a lawyer right this instant. You have rights. Don't be a victim!

 

And another thing........if and when he comes back after having his "fun," you'd be very, very foolish to accept him back into your life. If he does this once, he'll do it again. You can bet on it.

[befuddled1]

People do stupid, heartless things.......by upping and leaving their spouse and children.......but for him to go to the trouble of preventing you from accessing the bank account........that is bizarre. What kind of man would do such a thing, knowing his children depend on that money? He is a first class arse-hole.

 

But let me ask you.........was his leaving like this "out of the blue"? Had you previously been fighting about something? Had you cheated? Had he suspected you of cheating? Do you think he was/is cheating? How had your relationship been up until this point? Were there any signs that things weren't going that good? Does he have any history of mental illness?

 

No matter what his reason for leaving and making himself inaccessible to you and your children, he's a dog. What kind of man would desert his family like this? His own children? Obviously he knows full well that you have no way to support yourself and your children. But he doesn't care. And you don't want to file for divorce from this pr*ck? Why not? Is this the kind of role model you want for your children....one who abandons his family emotionally and financially, leaving you all in the lurch?

 

You need to talk with a lawyer ASAP. Look in the Yellow Pages of your phone book......under Lawyers or Attorneys....and find the listing for "Legal Aid"......(they provide FREE legal counsel to those with no, or limited income...you'd qualify)....and get talking to someone immediately........about your rights, finding out what steps need to be taken to provide financial support for you and your children (even if it means garnishing his wages)..........don't delay, get on this immediately. You need to be informed.

[TamaraR]

Well let me first say that I am going to an attorney tomorrow morning at 9. My parents found me a "shark" as they call it. Thank God they have the financial resources to help me out. I don't want to depend on them, but as of now, I have no choice.

My husband has been been acting strange the past few months. He goes out all the time after work and doesn't call to tell me. He then comes home drunk, and passes out for the night. Now maybe some will think I am wrong. But I was brought up that you tell your spouse what you are doing. You don't come home 6 hours later after work without letting someone know what your plans are. So yes, we have been fighting. He does this every week, anywhere from 3 to 4 times a week. Do I think he has been cheating? I really don't know. I would like to say no, but yet again, I have no clue. Have I cheated? Hell NO! The thought has never crossed my mind.

My husband has always been good to me and the children. This is out of character for him. He has been acting alittle off the past few months. But nothing ever hinted he wanted out. He still told me he loved me. We still went out as a couple. My god, we just got back from vacation a few weeks ago. Even our intimate relations have been good. The only problem we have had is his going out constantly.

I think I have been a good wife. He has many hobbies that are his. He has his snowmobiles, his hot rod, his remote control plane, and goes on several trips a year with his buddies. All of which I have always been fine with. It's not like he was ever lacking "his" time.

All I know right now is, I have 3 little boys right now that need me more than ever. This has really taken a toll on them. Last night my 6 year old packed his suitcase and said he was going home with grandma. This just broke my heart. So now I am going to look into therapy for them all.

[moimeme]

But I was brought up that you tell your spouse what you are doing

 

Heck, you even tell your roommate what you're doing - it's only courtesy!

 

My husband has always been good to me and the children. This is out of character for him. He has been acting alittle off the past few months

 

Sometimes, when people start acting strange and out of character, it can signal something mentally or physically wrong. If he ever gets in touch with you, suggest he see a doctor. It may not mean he'll change or come back, but he could have something wrong with him.

[wiseOLDman]

Tamara, you're right on track in contacting an attorney. Even if this does not run it's course thru to divorce, the children are the most important factor in the equation and your and their needs must be addressed immediately. Your parents are also correct about documentation.

 

You need to document any conversation or exchanges that you have with your husband. If he leaves a message on your answering machine, don't erase the message. These can be used legally in court as the person leaving the message obviously knows that he/she is being recorded.

 

Finally, and this is the really tough one, you need to also record (as heresay) things that your children say or observations that they make. If you ultimately end up in a custody battle, the feelings of your children could come into play. It's also very important NOT to badmouth your husband in front of your children. Don't lie to them, but you don't want to lay anything at their feet. They are old enough to wonder whether what is happening is their fault. You need to speak with them and assure them that the problems that "mommy and daddy" are having have nothing to do with anything that they may or may not have done.

 

Good luck to you

[ramble on rose]

Reading this story brought back memories of what I went through with my ex husband. It amazes me that when I get sad about my divorce or breakups, I feel like I'm the only one this is happening to...when I read all the posts it assures me I'm not alone.

 

My ex husband pulled the same crap when my daughter was 1 and a half, and I was pregnant with our second child. He began coming home late, withdrew, and for 4 months I was oblivious. I begged him for answers, and of course never got them. I was working part time as a teacher, and he had his own furniture business. We had just bought a lovely house with a white picket fence. Everything "looked" great but something was very wrong. I finally asked him to leave, saying if he wouldn't give me answers then I couldn't go through the agony anymore of waiting, worrying and wondering where he was. Turns out that he had become addicted to cocaine, which of course fueled his existing alcohol problems. I had gone to a therapist before I found out, and after telling my story....the therapist said, "either he's cheating, doing drugs, or both." Well, I was appalled at the therapist! I said, no way would MY husband do either of those things! Guess what....he was! He abandoned the business, which my father had given him $20,000 to buy out from the partner. My whole family was dragged into trying to save the business. We found out he had been stealing money (taking orders with down payments and never fulfilling the orders), so we had legal issues. I found detailed, descriptive letters from women to him, describing all their sexual encounters. I'd work at the school, then go to the business and try to run that as well. A couple of times flowers were even delivered to the store FOR HIM from other women, and I got faxes from women saying "thanks for last night". I was pregnant and horrified and miserable, but I pressed on.

 

He had been gone for about a month or so, and one day I happened to take a detour driving, down a street I never go down, for no reason....and I see his car. I found him in this nasty apartment, strewn out on the couch with beer cans everywhere. I went up to the door and he just looked at me. I said if you want to come home, let's work this out....it took him weeks to get clean enough to enter a rehab program. I took him back in enough time for him to be there for the birth of our second daughter, but things were never the same. He never wanted to address the problems, like us having to forfeit our home and move into some ****hole apartment, how he devastated me, how he lost all our money, etc. He just wanted to pretend it never happened. He finally wanted us to move to New York to be near his family, and to leave mine, because he was so ashamed to face them.

 

After about a year in NY I went into a terrible depression. how was I to go on with a man who never even apologized to me for almost destroying my life? He wasn't doing drugs but he had started drinking again, and going out with friends...I said, my God, the pattern begins again. I didn't want to wait to see what could possibly happen. I tried counseling with him and he embarrassed me in counseling, by screaming and fighting with the counselor. He never wanted to work on his issues. I finally asked him to leave, and when he did, I found myself with two babies, ages 2 and 4. he disappeared pretty much, and after a year stopped giving me money. I ended up moving back to California to be near my family. He didn't try to stop me - all he could do was say, "how could you take my children from me?" (Mind you, I could count on one hand in two years how many times he came to see his daughters). He also asked me if I had any money he could borrow!!!

 

This was over 3 years ago now. He has no participation with our girls, sends no money, and tries to keep a "friendship" with me. I sent the girls to NY on my own dime this summer, to see him because they hadn't seen him in 3 years. It proved to be a waste, because although he was Mr. Fun Dad while they were there, and made tearful promises to me....nothing ever materialized. He doesn't send birthday cards or gifts, money, etc. I finally started the process of wage garnishment because i have given him enough chance to do it on his own, which he failed to do.

 

I guess my point is.....bust your ass to take care of your kids. Even if you need temporary help from your family, so be it. Do NOT let this loser bring you and your kids down. Your kids will see that YOU are the one who truly loves them and cares for them, without you ever saying a word about the ex husband. I don't trash talk him to my girls, they're getting old enough to see that he doesn't come through at all. I talk about their feelings with them, and they seem happy and content, although I know this will always be an issue in their little hearts. I will be there for them when they're hurting about it.

 

It took me a long time to get over everything. There are still times when I look back and wonder if things could have been different...but the fact remains, they can't and never could. I did the best thing for all of us. Now if I could stop getting into ****ty relationships in the present.....LOL....life is a journey of learning processes!!!!!!!!

[mememememem]

i have been going through the same bull with my man for 5 years. is it reallt worth having your kids grow up to think that its ok to abandon their families whenever thay feel like it? i know it hurts more than anything in the world and it seems impossible to believe that the pain will ever end but it will..it may take a long time but you are better off without him.i learned that i had to put my childs emoyional well being first and give up on a hopeless marraige. if it is meant to be then it will happen someday but its not meant to be at this time. sometime you have to thank god for unaswered prayers because he has something better in store for you. it may not be what you want at this present moment in time but its what is meant to be....always remember that god is in control even when we aren't... he will help us through all hard times. sometimes it just takes patience to see why things happen as they do....

[EnigmaXOXO]

Tamara,

 

I know right now it is difficult to see around that corner. But as Rose, Meme and myself can testify...there IS light at the end of that tunnel and a better life in store for you.

 

I didn't see it either when going through a similar process, but as I'm sure the other ladies will agree, there is an important lesson about yourself that you will learn as a result from surviving the pain and learning to stand on your own two feet. You will be left with more confidence, clarity, wisdom and a renewed sense of self reliance that you never knew you were capable of. Eventually you will look back on this situation, all the bad memories of what you "thought" was a life, and realize it was merely a detour which threw you off course.

 

You will come to understand (as Meme pointed out) that things happen for a reason, and without life's difficult lessons, non of us would grow beyond our own personal insecurities and fears. Some of us find the courage to take a blind leap from an unhealthy situation, while others (like myself) must be pushed from that dangerous cliff they cling too. But we ALWAYS land on our feet. Human beings are amazing that way. We ALL have it within us to survive...and thrive. But not until we have been forced to conquered our fears do we finally realize how limitless life and our individual potentials are.

 

You will be amazed at the person you are about to become and the better future that is waiting for you, so don't be afraid. We've been where you are now, and I would have never believed it myself, but life is so much brighter here...around that scary corner.

[Kanuk]

I can offer no advice on what to do now, because I'm young and a guy. BUt as a man i can tell yo that this guy appears to be scum.

 

I personally am very regretful for the what i did to my girlfriend to make her break-up with me. I almost hate myself. But this guy, this guy is pure scum for what he did. I would gladly go to hell and back before i even thought about doing what he's done to you and your children.

[Kanuk]

And I'd like to add, that other people tell me i did nothing wrong to my girlfriend. That i treated her like a princess. So i'm told i'm not really that bad. Not that it matters to your sitation, sorry.

 

Point is, don't think about taking him back. But if you love him, and he loves you. He may be able to change, this could bvery well be some sort of wierd psychotic episode. But don't bet on it. Follow the above advice.

[TamaraR]

It's me again. Boy have things really been up and down. My husband has been in and out of this house so much since I lasted posted. I guess you could say that I am completely devoted to my marriage. But as of a little over a month ago things have been great. No fighting! No not coming home. Just pure happiness. I was happier. The kids were happier. And he "seemed" happier. Then as of Thursday night, he came home drunk, and wants out again. What is going thru his head? How can someone keep doing this? How can you just "act" happy if your truely not? And he is a great actor! Golden globe material. I didn't see this coming. Even Christmas was wondeful. He even put thought into my gifts. We were talking more. Spending more time as a family. More loving. Everything was differnet. It honestly seemed as though we were better than ever before. And then BAM!

He is still living here. We did put our house on the market last month. We want to move closer to his work. And he says he's not leaving until it is sold. I've asked him to leave, but he won't. He claims that he is 50/50 on how he feels. He says he loves me more than anything, but that he just is not happy.

Does anyone have any advice as to what to do? I feel like an emotional basketcase as of right now. I just don't know what to do.

 

Thanks

[SoleMate]

I'm so sorry you've had to endure another cycle. It's possible your husband could benefit from counselling and psychotherapy. He may have depression or another treatable condition. I definitely would insist on professional intervention as a condition for continuation of the marriage.

 

However, PLEASE stay safe, particularly in regards to legal and financial matters, and the use of protection during sex (STDs and pregnancy are both a concern).

[Arabess]

Could there be the possibility he is seeing someone else? That could account for him being 'happier' and not feeling like he has to argue with you.

 

I wouldn't let someone else call the shots regarding my life and my children. If he's committed to the marriage....FINE. If he's not sure and may pull another 'I'm outta here' stunt, leaving you penniless with 3 small children, you've GOT to protect yourself. Your parents are correct....get yourself an attorney!

 

I look back 7 years ago when my husband (GAWD I hate even calling the worthless A$$ that).....left. I had 2 small children, bills. mortgage....etc....all which I had to take care of by myself. If I had to do it all over again, I would have burned his butt BIG TIME early on. Now, the years have dragged by and I no longer need him, nor want his help in any way. Don't let youself get into this position....all it does is make you bitter and very very tired.

 

I think I would give him an accountability time frame (48 hours or something) and if he hasn't decided to do what it takes to make this marriage work....you should do what you have to do in order to lessen the disruption on your children's life. This will generally mean getting adequate financial support from him. You need to make sure your vehicle is in good shape, you've stuffed away as much cash as possible and if he leaves you in a panic again......hock his crap off before he has a chance to move it.

[heartburn]

As long as you allow it, a man will continue the playing 'crying game". It is time to set standards, and if he crosses it, don't keep accepting him back. People need to learn from their actions, especially when those repeative actions keep hurting someone. He is suppose to be a husband all of the time, not part time. Break the cycle.

[TamaraR]

Well, I am breaking the cycle. My husband will be served on Monday or Tuesday of next week. And I am not dealing with this well. I actually got sick when I left the attorney's office. It kills me to have to do it this way. But I see no other option right now. I guess maybe this way he will start to get that I am serious and I mean it. Either get your crap together or it's over. But it is so hard. And I don't know how to get the hurt to stop. People keep telling me it gets easier with every passing day. But for me it just gets harder. I feel like he passed away. I have lost my best friend. How do you all do it? I am trying to surround myself with family and friends, but it just doesn't seem to help. And my poor children. They are so scared, confused, and beyond angry. My little guy(who is 4) doesn't really understand, but the other two do. And it is dragging them down. It's even starting to show at school. My oldest son's teacher called me today to fill me in on how worried she is about him. So I put a call into the school counselor to talk with them.

So here I sit. Trying to take every day one step at a time. And waiting to see how this all pans out.

[heartburn]

Take one day at a time. I know sometimes you feel you probably doing the wrong thing, but just think of the times he hurt you over and over again. How can you set a good example for your kids when he keeps during painful and hurtful things to you. If he is a good father then he will help 100% with the kids. He just was not a good husband. What are we teaching the kids, to accept someone that continue to hurt you.

 

To all mothers out there, stop spoiling your male children. Teach them to respect and show tender affection towards women. It is only a hand full of good husbands out there!

[lchowns]

Hi Tamara--I am in the same situation as you. My husband of 13 years walked out last Sunday on me and my 11 year old son. He has started coming home late also. Drunk a few times, staying at the hunting camp, went to a bar last weekend. That was the final straw for me--I told him to decide what he wanted and he chose to leave. He says that he still loves me, but is scared to come back because we have tried this so many times and it never works out--(This is the FOURTH time he has walked out)..He has cheated over the years and I have taken him back everytime...

I homeschool my son, so I do not work outside the home. We just bought a house 2 years ago and he has left me high and dry also with all the bills...He gave me $250 last week and says that he will do that every week for a while, but yet has no intentions right now to do anything legally. He says that he may come back or he may not..I am used to living on about $600 a week and have a $450 mortgage--so he knows exactly what he is doing to me--and loving it I suppose.

We had grown apart, and I would not have sex with him but about twice a month because he badgered me DAILY about it---so he says taht is mostly why he left. He was hardly EVER here--has always done whatever he wants and leaves us by ourselves...

I have not contacted an attorney because I really do want it to work out, but we will both have to do alot of changing. I realized what I was doing with the "sex" part about a month before he left and was trying to make that better but he shunned me away--

So, I am sitting here now trying to figure out how to take care of me and my son AGAIN, I know how you feel..I have cried all week and lost 5 pounds this week--I hate this and I do not understand how a man can do this and not feel bad about it and do what it takes to make it work..

I love him and always will and I do want it to work, but I have got to look out for me and my son right now---

Email me if you want to talk Tamara--I DO know what you are going through--it ain't easy but I trust God to help me and guide me through whatever happens next. I am not sure about what to do legally either---Anyway, just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I see that I am not either--Didn't realize that it happened this much--Thought I was the only one that had a husband that did this

 

God Bless You!!

 

Leigh

[Pookette]

To everyone who has gone through this: My sincerest sympathy to you.

 

Tamara, I'm glad you're taking action. I think you'll find hidden reserves of strength you didn't think you had to help you through this.

 

If you allow him to keep coming back, it will be worse for your children and you when he keeps leaving again.

 

It sounds trite, but hang in there. You WILL start to feel better after time.

 

*Hugs to you and the kids*

[smidenmar]

My husband left without notice. He did not speak to me for over two months except in anger if I asked something or if he wanted something. I came home from work and he had packed up and left. I left a message and sent him an email but have not heard from him. He closed all the accounts, did not pay the bills and left no forwarding address. When I spoke to his mother she said he came by and seemed sad but did not give her his new address. This is his third time doing this to me, this time it's worse. We only had sex four times in all of 2003 because he was not interested. I found that he was heavy into pornography and other women.

 

I know it's best that he is gone so I filed for a divorce. The problem is I don't have an address to serve him. He took six weeks off from work, then has advised his job he will retire. He put passcodes so I cannot access or ask questions about anything.

 

I'm fortunate, I work but I don't make enough to cover all of the expenses. I was unhappy with him and even unhappier without him. I was faithful to him. He would never celebrate our anniversary or holidays with me.

 

I cry a lot and in a lot of pain. I don't seem to know which way is up. I can't sleep because I am wondering what he is doing and who he is doing it with. He took half of our bed and the TV so the bedroom is very empty. I have severe headaches and blackouts.

 

I want to make things work but it just will not happen. I guess it was not meant to be.

 

What should I do?

[feelyourpain]

I can not stress this enough ladies:

 

Keep yourself SELF-SUFFICIENT even if you are married and have children!!! You just never know...

 

Been there myself...luckily I had just acquired a new job which saved my life. State aid is always an option too. It is a hard choice but sometimes a necessary one until you can make it on your own. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for using it. THIS IS WHAT IT WAS SET UP FOR.