Should I ask him?

[silly09]

Hi all, I am new to this forum but have found tremendous help from just reading the postings here. Something has been eating me inside and I desparately need some advice. I met this guy 5 years ago and we started something special which I thought could develop into something permanent. Then one day, he told me he was married but wanted to divorce his wife etc, he was only married for 3 months at that time and I was so shocked and hurt. He told me he didn't really want to get married but felt responsible for her and he thought that's how marriage is... until he met me etc. I was very touched so we countinued our friendship/relationship, it was only an emotional one as we were never physical and he never attempted to get physical with me (which he said later on, was out of respect for me).

 

Things went on for about 10 months and I couldn't stand it anymore and told him I wanted the whole thing to stop and I told him he shouldn't get a divorce (but inside of me, I was hoping that he would get a divorce). It was hard for both of us. I held out for 3 months then I emailed him, and we started to see each other occationally but just as friends. We never brought up things before. I never got the courage to ask him how things are with his wife and he never voluntarily talk about her. But we have great chemistry whenever we are together just like before, except we never brought things up.

 

About 18 months ago, I decided that it was too much for me to take and wrote him an email to say that I didn't want to see him anymore and wanted to move on. I was hurt that he never replied to my email as deep down inside, I wanted to know how he feels, I still do. Then we were out of touch for about a year.

 

I feel pathetic as I never could move on from him, there is this lingering feelings that I had given up something special and because I was the one to make the decision to end things, I have all these questions in my mind as to how he feels, he never told me that.

 

So 6 months ago, I emailed him again and we met a couple of times, again just as friends. But then I found out that he just had a baby with his wife. It came as such a shock to me, I know this is silly as when I broke things off with him 4 years ago, I knew this is going to happen. And, I am happy for him that he has moved on from me (though it didn't feel that way when we met cos the chemistry is still there, so I had no clue at all). But on the other hand, I want to know if he is really happy and when he got over me. Is that silly? Somehow, I feel I need to know just to get closure as this is eating me inside. I don't want to keep wondering about this as I think the wondering has stopped me from moving on.

 

Should I ask him? I don't want to add pressure to his life as he just had a baby and I know things can be crazy at home. And I don't want him to feel guilty as I myself am responsible for my feelings. But I really need to know. Am I selfish to ask him now? I really need to hear what you think. Please help me.

 

I just want to get closure and move on...

[BCCA]

You really need to stop contacting this guy. He emotionally cheated on his wife of THREE MONTHS when he met you, and he obviously never had any intention of leaving her. If he was unhappy, he would have divorced her.

 

You're making yourself a wreck because this guy has eroded your self esteem. The fact that he can not respond to your email, or be the one to contact you, has got to weigh heavily on your mind. And 'never bringing things up' usually means that they just go on unsettled, they dont dissapear. He obviously doesnt want to have to talk about that whole 'having a wife' thing, and you keep drawing a line in the sand, and then backtracking on it.

 

I honestly think it doesnt matter what he says, so asking is pointless. You have to look at his ACTIONS, as in - having a child with the wife, and see what the deal is. Men dont just go off and have kids for fun, and for being unhappy all those years ago, he certainly didnt leave his wife either. You also didnt break up with him, he was MARRIED, meaning - unavailable. You two were never an item, you have to realize that. I know it sucks to be strung along, but thats what Im affraid was probably was happening.

 

Listen, telling him to hit the road was always the right thing to do, you know that. Its just tough when you do that, and the other person puts up no resistance, but you have to go with it. The fact that he didnt even respond to your email, or make any efforts to contact you, should tell you something. You were just a distraction for him.

 

Im sorry this happened to you, I know it sucks, but youve got to avoid this guy like the plague from now on. Its just not healthy for you otherwise. Keep your head up, youll find someone else.

[Road To Joy]

Damn, BCCA said it all.

 

He was a bit insensitive, though (no offense, BCCA. What you said was 100% true, people are just sensitive when it comes to these things).

 

He said it all, I honestly don't know what to say at this point. He has his own life. Chemistry or not. I believe there are a lot of people you meet throughout your lifetime you can have chemistry with, or be compelled to.

 

What he did was very wrong, too, though. He led you on and what he doesn't know is YOUR feelings got out of hand. I highly doubt he expected that to happen.

 

This was just an unfortunate event. A little bump in your life. It didn't last too long, it didn't get too serious.

 

If you truly need to ask him these questions, you should ask him in an email, or meet up with him briefly. But that's only if you need to. Try dealing with it on your own first, and really dealing with it. Don't lie to yourself and say you're trying when deep down you know you're not. Make sure he's not the type to be bothered by this, either.

 

I'm a big fan of putting yourself in other people's shoes. Put yourself in his wife's shoes.

 

Good luck and keep posting! You're not alone.

[norajane]

Are you sure you want to move on? Because you're the one who keeps contacting him at some point after you end things and have no contact. Would you be contacting him now really to find out if he's happy and when he got over you, or because you want to hear that he's not happy and he still has feelings for you?

 

I agree with everything BCCA said, and will add that you should consider why you've spent the last 5 years hung up on this unavailable guy rather than focusing on meeting available men and starting a family of your own. Is it just that you haven't found anyone for yourself and you contact him in between boyfriends and when you start feeling lonely?

 

You didn't give up anything special when dumping this guy. You dumped a married man who lies to his wife. A man like that would lie to you, too, and probably already has. He turned your head 5 years ago by making you feel like you were so special to him that he would rather be with you than his wife. Yet, he's still with his wife 5 years later and they have a child.

 

He told you what you wanted to hear...how else would he get you to spend time with him? If he had said, "yes, I'm married, but I still like to flirt and fool around with women because it makes me feel good, but I'd never leave my wife for you," would you have gone out with him?

 

He accepted you breaking up with him, and saying you can't see him anymore, and he didn't try to contact you - he did absolutely nothing to be with you. He just took what YOU offered. If you stop offering, you'll never see him again. That doesn't sound very special.

 

Find your closure within yourself and move on. Don't call, don't email, don't ask any more questions. Stop wasting your time and emotions on this guy. Live your own life. It's long past time you put this behind you.

[gd26]

What everyone has said here is spot on. The only thing I can offer... even though I know you are hurting, and I still want to be gentle with you.... is to take a lesson out of this. Next time you meet a man who starts to be emotionally close to you and says he has a wife, but that he isn't close to her etc, and that you seem like the greatest woman he's ever met - don't be "touched" by that. You said you were touched that this guy chose to be emotionally close to you in the beginning even though you knew he had a wife. In the future, never be touched by it. Instead think "Yuck! This guy is a liar and a cheater who is married. I need to stay far away from him!" And break all contact with him immediately. I am sure you already know this by now, but I simply wanted to mention it - so that you never have to go through this kind of heartbreak again.

 

I know firsthand that it can be very hurtful, as last year I had feelings for a separated man, and my feelings also got crushed. Now I will never ever date anyone separated or not.... until that person is fully divorced. No exceptions. As much as this hurts, at least both of us can take a lesson from our experiences so we don't make the same mistakes again.