annieo Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Not sure where to start. Not sure that this should be in the infidelity section. Got to know a friend from the distant past on facebook, he added me as a friend, lots of back and forth responses, the odd message. Felt like chemistry, like a connection and lots of attention. I started to look forward to these messages more and more. We chatted a few times, initiated by me. He was friendly, more than friendly, said things like "I hope to hear from you soon . Or commented on my profile pictures ("lovely") Posted a song for me. Kept responding to my updates. Got to know each other a little, and I liked him, he, me. That kind of thing. I should know better, but I started to look forward to hearing from him. He lives in the city that I do, and I started thinking about getting together for coffee. Mentioned this to him in chat- he said, emphatically, yes. But then, after this last, impassioned chat session, nothing. He probably got smart (I'm married, he's not). And so did I, so I deleted him from my friends list - I didn't trust myself to not try to chat with him. It's been a week, and I'm still feeling sort of lost. And very guilty. Like something happened, which it did, but mostly in my head. I even shed a few tears last week, because I'll miss him , even though I don't even really know him. Sorry if this seems lame (which it probably is). But I can't get him out of my head. My H would not be pleased, and I have thought about "confessing" but nothing really ever happened. Or if it did, we stopped it in good time. What should I do? Waiting it out seems the most logical course. But man, this hurts! It's stupid, but it feels like loss. I feel like an idiot.
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Don't do anything. Let it go and just move on with your life. This was totally fantasy related, this guy woke up some feelings inside of you and now that it's gone, you miss those feelings he brought out in you. He brings no good into your life, into your marriage..Be glad it stopped when it did! Focus on reconnecting with your husband.
Author annieo Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Thanks whichway, I know, but it helps to hear it from outside my head Reconnecting ... well, trying. I'm married to a WOW playing cyborg/human. Not big on emotion. Finds mine (emotions) trifling, weird, irritating. Listening to Stevie Wonder right now, trying to balance things. Bad idea.
Reggie Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Then look into divorce so you can look yourself in the mirror without having cheated.
lkjh Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Something did happen but you stopped it in time. Stay away from FB for a while so you can get everything sorted out. Get MC, and preferably one at a religious institution. I know a lot of people are going to get mad about the religious part but religion is pretty much the only part of society that is trying to hold marriage together. I take WOW is the computer game; make your H get off of that.
NoIDidn't Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 You are missing emotional connection in your marriage. This FB crush was a major symptom of that. It seems that your H is ignoring you and disdains you for expressing your emotions. Time for him to stop that. Instead of telling him what happened, tell him what will happen to your marriage if he doesn't re-engage. He might not listen until you actually go through with an A. But, then, he won't be able to say that he wasn't warned.
Author annieo Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Good advice, thanks all. It is true that I often feel disconnected from him, but all in all, I am very happily married. I wouldn't say he ignores me, but we have been together for about 9 years now, and we don't spend as much time just talking as we used to. And I DO miss that, just sitting together, out on the deck, with a glass of wine, talking the night away. I think this is what got me about fb guy. The last time, we chatted online for at least an hour, mostly just shooting the breeze, but also getting into more serious stuff. I didn't realize how easy it can be to communicate with someone in that format. I realize it's not the same as sitting with a person across the table, but it still felt pretty real. Anyway, I'm not an idiot (even though I acted like one) and I have no desire to pursue this. I'll get over it eventually.
Darth Vader Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I would tell your hubby everything if I were you! He needs to get rid of that game(I've heard of that one). You both need Marriage Counseling. You see exposure will usually kill stuff like this, the counseling will help on rebuilding the marriage.
eyeswide Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 annieo, I am so impressed that you were able to shut it down when you did. Imho, you had an internet flirtation and stopped it from becoming an internet affair. (if only, if only I could say that about some other people i know:o...) In the scenario I imagine in my head about my own life where things get a little heated but not out of control (i.e. the best case scenario the DIDN'T happen) it goes something like this: Internet flirtation occurs and almost-WS shuts it down (just like you did) and, because almost-WS is feeling a little guilty, a little scared to tell spouse but knows that there's something missing in the M that needs to be addressed, almost-WS writes a letter to almost-BS, explaining what happened, explaining what feelings were developing and why almost WS shut it down and is writing this letter, i.e. to repair the marriage, to take advantage of the opening that has been created as a result of this thing happening, to try to figure out how to get back what has been lacking between almost-WS and almost-BS. Almost-WS gives the letter to almost-BS and says "This is really important and I am willing to handle the fallout from it however you need me to." And the recovery for everyone takes more like a week instead of years.... Anyway, I really hope you take this opportunity to recreate the connection between you and your H and that he sees the opportunity as well. (I don't know you -- but I sure am proud of you!!! )
Author annieo Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Thanks, but don't be too proud of me. Part of the reason I shut it down is because he seemed to be pulling back a little, which made me wake up and think, 'What the hell am I doing here?!" As for telling, if I really thought the reason for the flirtation was because of a major lack in my m, I would. But honestly, I have been rpone to crushes my whole life. I really think this is more about me and my wayward nature, not my marriage. As for WOW, at least he doesn't golf and disappear all weekend
jjreed Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 You did the right think. You did cheat emotionally, but you have enough courage and sense to stop it before it progresses further. No need to tell your husband. What good would that do? People mess up. You were one of the smart ones. You rectified the situation before you put your husband's health and love at risk with an affair. Spend that time trying to improve your marriage. Communicate with your husband. When was the last time you asked him to share a glass of wine on the deck? If these are the things you miss, initiate their revival. The business of marriage has a tendency to get in the way of the intimacy. Both of you have to make a conscience effort to keep it alive. Otherwise, you will become nothing more than business partners running the business of home. That's no fun!
BlackWhite Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Don't you think what you did, having this emotional affair and investment in another man, is worse thant your husband getting table dances AND lap dances? You need to confess. Your H deserves the right to know, just as much as you deserved to know about those dances. If your lover didn't backed out, you're probably spreading your legs for him at some motel or his house. If you don't confess, this will be forgotten and you won't learn your lesson, not to mention the hypocracy and selfishness that's invovled for not disclosing it to your spouse. Are you willing to have this wall/lie in your marriage forever and carry it to your grave?
Mr. Lucky Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 As for telling, if I really thought the reason for the flirtation was because of a major lack in my m, I would. But honestly, I have been rpone to crushes my whole life. I really think this is more about me and my wayward nature, not my marriage. When I see these types of threads - connected on FB, touched bases with an old flame I haven't seen in 20 years, etc. - one thing always jumps out. The other person isn't a real entity, flesh and blood, standing in front of you, but is rather a projection of what you think you're missing in your M and life. We can't really know someone and what they're truly like after years or decades of separation, but our romaticized versions of their memory (much cleaner and less messy than real life ) become an available blank canvas. I'll bet if you analyzed your conversation with this guy word for word, he really wouldn't be the great communicator your mind's made him out to be. Funny that what he offers exactly mirrors your marriage's deficits. Coincidence? Tell your H. You can't fix a problem until you both acknowledge that it exists. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky
eyeswide Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 When I see these types of threads - connected on FB, touched bases with an old flame I haven't seen in 20 years, etc. - one thing always jumps out. The other person isn't a real entity, flesh and blood, standing in front of you, but is rather a projection of what you think you're missing in your M and life. We can't really know someone and what they're truly like after years or decades of separation, but our romaticized versions of their memory (much cleaner and less messy than real life ) become an available blank canvas. Wow...this just seems so on the mark, Mr. L. Not just in terms of the "old flame" scenario, but in any relationship that first becomes established online. In some ways, I feel bad for BSs whose spouses works with their APs because those WSs actually know a good portion of what their AP is like "in real life" -- how they problem solve, how organized they are, what they do to resolve conflict -- as opposed to people who connect online who have really no idea what their AP would be like in a real relationship, dealing with real life everyday. I think you're so right that in cases such as annieo's and other internet-based As, the AP is a projection and even an opportunity to see oneself -- to identify what is lacking in the M. If, of course, one is as lucky as annieo to see that truth before things gets messy...
You'reasian Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Thanks whichway, I know, but it helps to hear it from outside my head Reconnecting ... well, trying. I'm married to a WOW playing cyborg/human. Not big on emotion. Finds mine (emotions) trifling, weird, irritating. Listening to Stevie Wonder right now, trying to balance things. Bad idea. What's it like being married to a cyborg? lol
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Wow...this just seems so on the mark, Mr. L. Not just in terms of the "old flame" scenario, but in any relationship that first becomes established online. In some ways, I feel bad for BSs whose spouses works with their APs because those WSs actually know a good portion of what their AP is like "in real life" -- how they problem solve, how organized they are, what they do to resolve conflict -- as opposed to people who connect online who have really no idea what their AP would be like in a real relationship, dealing with real life everyday. I think you're so right that in cases such as annieo's and other internet-based As, the AP is a projection and even an opportunity to see oneself -- to identify what is lacking in the M. If, of course, one is as lucky as annieo to see that truth before things gets messy... It's the blessing and the curse of the internet - anyone can be anything they want to be. As you pointed out, real life is quite different. I was also struck by the irony of annieo's H being so into role playing games like WOW. With her FB crush, she's playing a different version of the same game... Mr. Lucky
Owl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Two thoughts- First...boundaries. You need to learn to establish BOUNDARIES...limits in areas/topics of conversation with men other than your husband. Recognize that there are risks to getting involved in emotionally charged discussions, even on potentially innocuous topics. Sharing your emotions...even those about your marriage...with someone else can create bonds that are unhealthy for your marriage. Learn to LIMIT what you talk about with who. Second...improve your communications at home with your H. This was a wake up call for you...there are things lacking at home that you NEED to address. Don't be afraid to INSIST on things you need to protect your marriage. MC might be a great idea...but be prepared to be HONEST...even about what just happened with your fb friend.
Author annieo Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 It's the blessing and the curse of the internet - anyone can be anything they want to be. As you pointed out, real life is quite different. I was also struck by the irony of annieo's H being so into role playing games like WOW. With her FB crush, she's playing a different version of the same game... Mr. Lucky Agreed, the irony did not escape me - it did have a sense of unreality about it. And one of the main reasons I spend as much time on the computer as I do is because my h does.
Author annieo Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 And I did finally got the courage to tell my h, last night, after a few glasses of wine. I basically said that I had developed a crush on a fb friend, but I had realized it wasn't a good position to put myself in, so I deleted him and I was dealing with it, getting over it. He didn't want to know any details, only asked if it was a threat to our relationship (which I take to mean, was I going to do anything to pursue it in the future, or did I care less for him as a result) to which I could honestly say "no". And that was that. It feels good, actually, not carrying around this secret. And his question was exactly the right one to ask. It wasn't a threat, because I didn't let it become one, and neither did my crush. And because I love my h and I have no desire to hurt him or us. He is the most important person in the world to me (aside from my kids), and he always will be. I think this has smartened me up to what I've got. Thanks for all of the great advice, although one post read a bit like sanctimonious porn. You know who you are.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Annieo, good for you. Hope you continue to do well and I agree with you, it does feel good to come clean on these things... Mr. Lucky
BlackWhite Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Thanks for all of the great advice, although one post read a bit like sanctimonious porn. You know who you are. Which post was that?
Author annieo Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Which post was that? Bingo! But I accept the fact that some of us express things in a more earthy fashion. That's cool - I think I understood the main message. Thanks to you, too. And you're right, Mr. L, it does feel good to not hide your crap, where it can fester and grow. But many grapes were crushed in the process - I'm a coward at heart
BlackWhite Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Bingo! But I accept the fact that some of us express things in a more earthy fashion. That's cool - I think I understood the main message. Thanks to you, too. Thank me for what? What I do?
Author annieo Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Thank me for what? What I do? For holding up a very clean mirror, so I could see how dirty the whole thing could become.
BlackWhite Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 For holding up a very clean mirror, so I could see how dirty the whole thing could become. I can't believe you need a mirror to see how dirty it was. I can smell it miles away and started by the time I was 10 yards away.
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