shadowplay Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I'm always uncomfortable with white lies, but in some situations they're unavoidable. It's hard to find the right balance between honesty and politeness. What do you do in situations where a friend asks you for your opinion on something related to them (and it's not what they want to hear), but you don't want to hurt their feelings? Do you straight up lie? Or do you sugarcoat the truth a little? I know there's no right answer, but I'm curious to hear what other people do. I think I tend to be too honest, although I try to be somewhat tactful. A (male) friend of mine recently sent me a link to a short film he had made. It was his first, so naturally had problems. There were aspects of it I genuinely really liked, though. I basically told him the truth, that I really like the camera work and sound, but the acting wasn't great and the dialogue could use some tweaking. I also emphasized that it was very good for a first film, and that the weaker parts of it (namely the acting) were out of his control, given his limited means. Well, he flipped out. This guy is already a bit of a drama queen, but I wasn't expecting him to react like that. Should I have lied in a situation like this? I tried to be constructive with my comments, but he wouldn't hear it. Another situation. Somebody will slip in a negative thing about themselves, like that they're overweight, and then there's a pause as if they're fishing for a compliment. Am I supposed to swoop in and say they're not overweight? I feel like if I do they'll pick up on my dishonesty. Maybe I'm uncomfortable with white lies because I know I would want somebody to be honest with me, but I guess a lot of people would prefer not to hear the truth. How do you handle these situations?
Thaddeus Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 This guy is already a bit of a drama queen, but I wasn't expecting him to react like that.Artistic types are well known to be more than a bit temperamental. I'm not surprised in the least that he took it like he did. Another situation. Somebody will berate themselves about something that's true (like they're overweight), and then there's a pause as if they're fishing for a compliment. Am I supposed to swoop in and say they're not overweight? I feel like if I do they'll see it as a lie, especially if they're very overweight. I just have no clue how to react.It's like that impossible-to-answer question, "Do I look fat in these pants?" An experienced man knows that she's not interested in the least about whether she looks fat in the pants, she's looking for some affirmation of some sort. Reminds me of a joke: A woman is standing in front of a mirror with a sad face. "Look at me," she says dejectedly. "My boobs are hanging down, my skin is wrinkly, my legs have no tone, my waist bubbles out over my hips, my ass is all saggy. I'm a mess." Her husband looks up and says, "Well, look on the bright side. There's certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services will be held Wednesday at 11.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I'm always uncomfortable with white lies, but in some situations they're unavoidable. It's hard to find the right balance between honesty and politeness. What do you do in situations where a friend asks you for your opinion on something related to them (and it's not what they want to hear), but you don't want to hurt their feelings? Do you straight up lie? Or do you sugarcoat the truth a little? I know there's no right answer, but I'm curious to hear what other people do. I think I tend to be too honest, although I try to be somewhat tactful. A (male) friend of mine recently sent me a link to a short film he had made. It was his first, so naturally had problems. There were aspects of it I genuinely really liked, though. I basically told him the truth, that I really like the camera work and sound, but the acting wasn't great and the dialogue could use some tweaking. I also emphasized that it was very good for a first film, and that the weaker parts of it (namely the acting) were out of his control, given his limited means. Well, he flipped out. This guy is already a bit of a drama queen, but I wasn't expecting him to react like that. Should I have lied in a situation like this? I tried to be constructive with my comments, but he wouldn't hear it. Another situation. Somebody will slip in a negative thing about themselves, like that they're overweight, and then there's a pause as if they're fishing for a compliment. Am I supposed to swoop in and say they're not overweight? I feel like if I do they'll pick up on my dishonesty. Maybe I'm uncomfortable with white lies because I know I would want somebody to be honest with me, but I guess a lot of people would prefer not to hear the truth. How do you handle these situations?Ive always liked and admired you when youre brutally honest
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Artistic types are well known to be more than a bit temperamental. I'm not surprised in the least that he took it like he did. It's like that impossible-to-answer question, "Do I look fat in these pants?" An experienced man knows that she's not interested in the least about whether she looks fat in the pants, she's looking for some affirmation of some sort. Reminds me of a joke: A woman is standing in front of a mirror with a sad face. "Look at me," she says dejectedly. "My boobs are hanging down, my skin is wrinkly, my legs have no tone, my waist bubbles out over my hips, my ass is all saggy. I'm a mess." Her husband looks up and says, "Well, look on the bright side. There's certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services will be held Wednesday at 11. I'm not gonna lie. I've probably asked a question or two like that in the past, but it makes me glad I'm not a guy. My favorite is when women drag their men shopping with them, and the guys sit blankly outside the waiting room, reading the paper or fiddling with their phones. I've noticed that some will answer their girlfriends' questions automatically without even looking up: "yeah, sure honey."
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Ive always liked and admired you when youre brutally honest Thanks ................But I try to use more discretion with people in person since the stakes are higher.
Land Shark Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 They might not like what you have to hear, but they respect you for saying it. As long as you are fair and somewhat sensitive when you deliver the bad news, they'll appreciate you much more. Even if they are too insecure to deal with the truth. Friends come and go anyway, so if you lose a few by expressing your real opinions, it's not going to make much difference in the end.
Thaddeus Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Point is, the people who ask those sorts of questions aren't really looking for your honest input. They're looking for a form of affirmation, something that says, "You're great just the way you are" or something like that. Now, in the case of the filmmaker, I don't find it remotely surprising that he flew off the handle like that. But, all the same, it's a pretty immature response. He'd be much better off trying to get specifics about what you didn't like about the film so he could incorporate that learning into his next project. Tact is sometimes difficult when the questioner is insistent. But that's your job as an empathetic human being.
The Collector Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Artistically or creatively I'll be brutally honest. But I'm not telling any woman she's fat.
D-Lish Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Hey SP, Look, your friend wants to break into the industry? He needs to reconcile with constructive criticism! It would be worse if you had sugar coated it. If this is the business he wants to pursue, he'll have to learn to toughen up. I also think you delivered the right balance of positive and negative feedback. I can deal with honesty when it comes to professional feedback. I can dish it out and take it. When it comes to personal stuff- if someone asks me something, and it's sensitive... I will lie to save feelings. I have a friend who is exhausting- always crying over a haircut or weight gain (she's hot and skinny)... And even if I notice she's put on weight or hate her hair cut- I will tell her she looks great. I will however give my honest opinion about behaviour, relationship advice, etc... Only if solicited though!
burning 4 revenge Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I remember I once told a film student on a train from NYC to Chicago that her idea for a science fiction movie was ridiculous and she was really upset I offered to buy her a drink and she declined
mental_traveller Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You were 100% in the right and he was just being a drama queen. Ask him how he expects to make it in film-making if he can't take criticism - magazine and newspaper critics will be 100 times more critical and vicious than you ever would. Tell him to grow some balls and a thicker skin.
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