Another chance. Wasting my time?

[GuttedIRL]

Hi. Havent posted before but I've been browsing this forum for the past few weeks looking for help and advice.

I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

At the start of April myself, my partner of 12 years and our 3 children moved house ( only 2 miles away from our previous home of 10 years ).

Before the move everything was great. We had an amazing relationship which was envied by pretty much everyone we knew. 100% in love 100% trust.

 

The move itself was very stressfull to the extent I ended up having to go on the sick from work. Looking back right now I'm not so sure it was just the move causing me the upset.

 

Anyway by the middle of May, she told me she doesnt love me anymore. Loves me but isnt 'in love' the usual ****.

For the following 3 weeks I found myself at home alot alone or with the children, plus kitchen fitters and various workmen working on the house.

 

Of course I suspected someone else and this was confirmed one morning when I lowered myself to checking her phone. She had basically started seeing another guy a few days after finishing it with me. Dont think any more detail is needed.

Gutted cant begin to describe my feelings.

Now, if you had asked me before this had happened what my reaction would be it would have been to throw her out of my house, tell everyone what a skank she is and never want to see her again. But for whatever reason I simply blamed myself and wanted her back. I was also filled with fear of not waking up near my kids every morning.

So, over the next couple of weeks she leaves to stay with her mother and a friend but comes back the next day because she 'cant be away from the kids'

Let me make it clear that i am 100% sure this is where she was staying and not with the other guy otherwise she really would have told me. I know, however that she will have been in contact with him via txts or whatever.

 

I decided to move into my mothers for a while and asked her to find somewhere else to live. I went LC, NC simply not possible in that situation.

I read this forum and other advice online and started spending alot of time with friends who were all amazing to me. You forget just how good your friends can be until u need them.

I started going out and trying to look at other women. Just didnt work as I only had and do still have eyes for her. Until 3 weeks after living at the parents. I saw a blast from the past and had a good drunken dance and flirt with her which made me feel good. That night I was offered it on a plate but couldn't do it as I was still in love with her.

 

For whatever reason I txtd the ex the next morning in a groggy state in my friends flat and told her what had happened the night before, even probably exagerated it a little.

The thing is I was trying to show that my love was still there after all thats happened but she became amazingly jealous. She has told me since that she felt like she'd been stabbed and had the wind sucked out of her. I know the feeling.

That day she said she wanted to try again and I, like the sucker I am for her agreed.

This was last saturday. Since then its just been odd. Weve been having great sex, just like we always did. Laughing together, watching movies....but its not as it was.

The other guy is out of the picture although shes honest enough to tell me she has missed him. She has told me that each day she as different feelings and feels exhausted.

I really dont know what to do. I have missed out alot of the story and feeling here to try and keep it brief but any help is appreciated and if theres any questions people want to ask Ill answer them. Just wanted to finally get this thread started as Ive been meaning to for weeks!

 

Id also like to say that the children are of course my number one priority and although I know they know things arent right, they are happy in life at the moment. We're good parents.

[NopeNah]

I suggest getting some joint counseling and take it from there.

[hopesndreams]

Has she shown any remorse for what she has done?

 

Many cheaters do not have the "understanding" that what they did to their SO is extremely abusive. Has she shown any interest in getting to the root of why she chose to stray?

 

I think things are feeling strange to you because nothing has been resolved? Do you trust her? Is she trying to regain your trust?

[GuttedIRL]

She has shown some remorse but not as much remorse as I would have expected or wanted to see, if that makes sense.

She knows she's put me through pain but I do not think she realises just how much. She's never had it done to her before so can't know how bad it feels, I certainley didn't before all this.

The trust bits a weird one. Before this I trusted her and she me with eachothers lives.

I believe that she is trying to be honest with me, I trust that she will not cheat while she is with me which she says she now is. In 12 years before this neither of us strayed, even a little.

 

She says she feels like she has gone through a life crisis, that she felt she was at a crossroads in her life and felt 'is this it?'. She says that she thinks this only happened with this other guy because she knew it would end it between the two of us. Didn't work lol.

Ive read around the net and it seems its common for a woman in her mid 30s to experience this? I dont know if thats true or just an excuse or internet BS.

[hopesndreams]

but its not as it was.

The other guy is out of the picture although shes honest enough to tell me she has missed him. She has told me that each day she as different feelings and feels exhausted.

 

Sounds as though she is gearing up to put you through all this again. The next time she does it, it may work out for her with an OM and she'll leave you in the dust. I think you know this, that's why you are uncomfortable. Have you thought about MC? Individual therapy sessions? It would really help to talk about what is going on with professionals.

 

Tick, tick, tick....there might be another bomb to go off.

[GuttedIRL]

Its not that it didnt work out between her and the OM as such. She chose me over him.

I really hope you're wrong mate. Don't wanna go through this again....

Crazy how someone can suddenly become so selfish after you knew them for so long.

[hopesndreams]

I hope I'm wrong too.

 

Crazy how someone can suddenly become so selfish after you knew them for so long.

 

Yep, I'm living through this nightmare as well. 10 years with H, raised 3 kids, have a grandson,...he was not the type to cheat, I was completely blindsided, he didn't choose me in the end, he wanted me and his MOW, so I made the choice for him, and he left.

 

He's been gone 3 months now and has been trying to get back with me, but things would never be the same, he is not the same man. The man I knew is now dead.

[GuttedIRL]

Yes I also kinda believe that the person I love is gone. Accepting that is so hard. Its made all the more difficult because we live together and theres no real way out of that for me at the moment short of me throwing her and the kids out on the street or becoming violent. Neither of which will ever happen. I hate her sometimes then at other times she acts like 'herself' again. I suppose at the moment Im hoping its a phase that she will come out of but its gone on so long now I doubt that too.

[GuttedIRL]

You were right hopesanddreams. Now she wants to go again. Putting me through the same **** all over again.

Im crushed.

[GuttedIRL]

Update and need to vent a bit.

She came back after 2 days. Said she was sorry that she hadnt given enough effort into making us work and was now completely ready to do so.

Its been 10 or so days now and its so up and down. One day she can seem so positive, going out together and buying stuff for the house. Then she can become negative, saying that she feels like shes just doing the house up for me and if we don't work out she will be left with nothing.

I myself am up and down which really doesnt help.

 

She says that she knows how happy the kids are here and that she is still physically attracted to me and she believes thats a good start. She cares for me deeply but just doesnt love me the way she did.

She says she is trying to find it again but I really can't see that happening unless we were to have some serious time apart. But thats just not possible at the moment....

Its strange to live with someone yet miss them as if they werent there.

I think about nothing else, its ruling my life. I keep hoping and waiting for things to click into place or just blow up and end. She says that if I would relax and be myself she thinks we will be ok in the end, but thats so hard.

I thought I was so much stronger than this. Had 3 hours sleep last night before work this morning