mattea Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 My boyfriend is a wonderful man and I love him, but right now I feel like I am about to go NUTS. We were long distance and I moved from my home of 15 years to be with him. The city we live in is nice, not too different culturally from where I lived. But I don't know anyone here (except for him) and I don't yet feel a connection with this place. I've been here two months and have been working from home (which comes to an end at the end of this month), so I don't have a local job yet where I get out and meet people. I am terribly homesick and I miss my friends a lot. I loved where I lived and I miss the familiarity, history and feeling of belonging I had there. Most of all I miss being around people who I had time to develop relationships with who knew me well and who I knew too. Yes, I try to talk to people over email/phone sometimes, but that is not the same as having a local 'support network'. i feel desperate to spend some time with someone else I'm close to besides my boyfriend. And I also used to get a lot of alone time too, but since my boyfriend got laid off we are almost constantly together and that in itself is a hard adjustment for me. I've tried to do things to help myself. I met someone online who I've played tennis with a few times, and we will continue to play but I barely know her and there isn't some immediate connection. I've applied to volunteer and joined a meetup.com group and I intend to go to events they have whenever one is scheduled. It feels so weird trying to meet people this way because I'm used to just developing relationships over time through work or school or whatever, not looking for friends online. But still, I'm trying to get involved in things I'm interested in so I can meet people. I've planned a trip to visit a close friend for the weekend, but it was expensive and I can't keep spending money on tickets to fly to where my friends are. I need a local group of friends, which will take time. There are lots of things I used to do in my city that I can't do with my boyfriend because he has an injured knee or because he doesn't have the same interests. And right now I don't have anyone to do those things with. I try to get myself to go out and ride my bike or walk most days, but sometimes I literally feel like I am dragging myself out because I feel little motivation. My boyfriend knows how I'm feeling but there isn't really much he can do but listen and care, and that doesn't change my reality. Plus I know he feels somewhat 'responsible' for my unhappiness because I moved to be with him. Even if I tell him he's not responsible and it was my decision, I know he feels bad. So it is hard to talk about. Yet I feel like I have no patience and am always on edge around him, and would rather just be alone most of the time I think in part is almost like an identity crisis. My relationships, the place I lived, the activities and involvements I had there - all were a big part of who I was. It is almost like I am missing myself. I know things won't be like this forever - most people I talk to who have made big moves say it was a hard adjustment and took them a year before they really started feeling at home and enjoying the new place. But it is really hard in the meantime. It is hard to remain patient, upbeat and loving in my relationship. We're living together now too, after 10 years for me of living alone. So many changes! Has anyone been through similar feelings before? If so, please share your experience. I feel like a fish out of water.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Hey mattea! Judging from your post, it sounds like you are building resentment towards your bf..that's not good. I understand what it's like not to really feel like you have anyone. It's depressing. Last year I moved back to where I went to high school to be with my fiance from where I went to college. I don't have many friends because they are since all moved away and have found myself being lonely as well. My fiance has helped me with this by encouraging me to come out with him and his friends. Most of them have wives as well, so we have gone on some double dates. I have met some of my coworkers, however the problem is that I work with people who are at least 10-20 years older then me. While they are nice and I talk to them a lot, I would think it weird for a 26 year old to hang out with 40 or 50 year olds. Now suggestions: ask your boyfriends if his friends have any girlfriend/wives or some of his friends that you can both go out with. Also finding a job is a good idea also if you are good at making friends at work. I know what it's like to feel alone, it really sucks. I am not to the point that you are because he does try to include me because he knows I feel bad. Good luck, I know how you feel.
SuicideBlonde Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I haven't been though this, but I do want to commend you on such a proactive approach. It will take some time, but I think you're on the right track. Good luck and hang in there.
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