OFGnomore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 cheating isn't a mistake...a piss poor choice, but not a mistake. And sure, we all make mistakes....I leave the toilet seat up occasionally...OOPS. But I never have, and never said OOPS finding myself screwing another woman behind a SO's back. I seriously commend you for this. And I include you in the Owl, Reggie, my H and now Dex list when I read posts from a**hole men that think cheating is just "guys being guys".
Dexter Morgan Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I seriously commend you for this. And I include you in the Owl, Reggie, my H and now Dex list when I read posts from a**hole men that think cheating is just "guys being guys". ya, and I have to when I hear men, and women, saying that we are genetically designed to cheat. thats just one big load of s##t right there.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 ya, and I have to when I hear men, and women, saying that we are genetically designed to cheat. thats just one big load of s##t right there. Exactly, lets accept normative behaviors as baseline, and not the observable behavior in real-life. Because ideology is way better than science, right?
Dexter Morgan Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Exactly, lets accept normative behaviors as baseline, and not the observable behavior in real-life. Because ideology is way better than science, right? observable behavior in real-life? my observable behavior of myself shows that I have never cheated, not desire to cheat, and never will. thats my observable behavior. if you are a cheater and want to blame it on genes...hey, be my guest. use whatever excuse you want to cheat.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 observable behavior in real-life? my observable behavior of myself shows that I have never cheated, not desire to cheat, and never will. thats my observable behavior. if you are a cheater and want to blame it on genes...hey, be my guest. use whatever excuse you want to cheat. You are just a single case. Look at statistics, and you'll see that humans as a species do not show long-term monogamous behavior. Whether this is because of genes (nature) or culture (nurture) is another question. Most likely it's a mixture of both, with current western culture as a dampening influence. "Genetic" monogamy strongly correlates with a lack of sexual dimorphism, and humans are strongly sexually dimorphic. But this is not an excuse. If someone is in a R where both partners agreed to monogamy and cheats, he has only himself to blame. Just because humans have a predisposition for a specific behavior doesn't mean that they are slaves to it.
phineas Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 If you are married & have sex with someone other than your spouce do you make it common knowledge? Do you speak of it to your spouce like you speak of sex with them? Why not?
Andy L Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 She played me. We are divorceing not because she cheated, but because I have confronted her many times & gave her the chance to come clean & she choose to lie & continue the affair. I see in many cases that BS are being so patient .. IMO probably just cheating once is enough to end a marriage (except some situations). But there are BS that besides the cheating, wait for all those lies and so many wrong things plus.. Come on, where's the dignity??????? A world with million of women and do I need to be with a low level cheater? I'm out of this!
phineas Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I see in many cases that BS are being so patient .. IMO probably just cheating once is enough to end a marriage (except some situations). But there are BS that besides the cheating, wait for all those lies and so many wrong things plus.. Come on, where's the dignity??????? A world with million of women and do I need to be with a low level cheater? I'm out of this! I held on because my youngest is barely crawling. I held on for my children & thought we could work it out. I had no idea just how screwed up in the brain she was over this guy. Once I found out I pulled the plug. Even after I know the truth she is still lieing to me about the affair. I have no future with a person like that.
Reggie Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Yeah, it takes some time to get over the shock and panic. Then, when one sees all the lying and the lack of rmorse, it becomes clearer that the cord must be cut. But, just about every BS has a period where he or she wants to hold on and try to work things out. Some periods are longer than others. I agree that the desire for sexual variety is hardwired. I also agree that once one has entered into an agreement to be faithful, cheating is wrong. I don't see acknowledging the wiring as justifying the cheating.
bentnotbroken Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Jeez, she sounds EXACTLY like my wife. My wife Slept with the OM, They were trading nude pics of each other daily on their cell phones & she still insisted he was her "friend". That it was all emotional & the sex was just something that happened once in a while. Yet, she kept him a secret from me & did everything in her power to make sure we never went anywhere she had been with him. Which after two yrs was almost impossible so we didn't go out much by her choice. choklit - If your husband finds out from anyone but you (and he will eventually) I think there is zero chance he would take you back. I confronted my wife over a huge cellphone bill 2 yrs ago & she lied & denied & told me I was parranoid, told me she loved me then rocked my world sexually. She played me. We are divorceing not because she cheated, but because I have confronted her many times & gave her the chance to come clean & she choose to lie & continue the affair. I see no future (even with two young children) with a woman like that. A woman that knows I know what is going on & still chooses to say "he's just a friend" I'm better off without her & your husband will realize this also if you don't confess. I rowed that boat up stream myself. Without trust, what do you really have?
OFGnomore Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Exactly, lets accept normative behaviors as baseline, and not the observable behavior in real-life. Because ideology is way better than science, right? Check your stats, most people don't cheat. They may be wired to be cheat but most people don't. It's was separates my H from my male dog whom I can't seem to stop mounting random dogs at the dog park. Not judging, but I guess for me it's more about the betrayal. I mean if you're in a open marriage, and both parties know what's going on, hey go for it. My issue is the imbalance of power, lies and deception. Not biological wiring. So save your biological theory and stats for your W, see what she thinks.
phineas Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Yeah, it takes some time to get over the shock and panic. Then, when one sees all the lying and the lack of rmorse, it becomes clearer that the cord must be cut. But, just about every BS has a period where he or she wants to hold on and try to work things out. Some periods are longer than others. I agree that the desire for sexual variety is hardwired. I also agree that once one has entered into an agreement to be faithful, cheating is wrong. I don't see acknowledging the wiring as justifying the cheating. Even after 5 yrs there was nothing boring about our sex life. I knew what she liked & she knew what I liked. We knew how to ring each other's bells. To me that's far better than going from woman to woman.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 A world with million of women and do I need to be with a low level cheater? I'm out of this! couldn't have said it better myself....and I'm the master!!!
Sal Paradise Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 This has been my greatest mistake in my 10yr marriage and definitely the last of this nature. NONE of us are perfect, we ALL make mistakes, we ALL make our own choices, and we ALL have to grow and learn. You can't grow and learn without facing the consequences of your actions which means confessing to your husband. Also you say you were friends with this guy for years. When the affair ends if you don't cut off all contact with him (meaning you can't be friends with him) and never speak to him again in any capacity (which includes the internet) it is unlikely that you will get over him. Telling your husband will also make it easier to go NC (no contact) since he will most likely insist on it. You have to tell your husband. It's the moral thing to do. Any reasoning for not doing so is just an excuse.
Athena Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 (...)I guess for me it's more about the betrayal. (...)My issue is the imbalance of power, lies and deception. Well said!
utterer of lies Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Check your stats, most people don't cheat. Maybe you should check your stats. Lifetime prevalence of cheating in a relationship is consistently above 50%, and these numbers are only the people who admit it. A recent study (Whisman, Mark A.; Snyder, Douglas K., 2007. Journal of Family Psychology) found that annual infidelity prevalence is above 6%. This might seem small, but again, this is only admitted infidelity, not the true number. A naive view would be that everyone cheats every 17th year, but of course it's not that simple . Infidelityfacts have some statistics too, unfortunately they're not sourced, but they match the expected numbers: http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html Many statistics that are often cited showing very low rates of infidelity are from studies done in the 1950's. Obviously, there was a much higher social stigma attached to infidelity back then, so we can expect the reported numbers to diverge more from the actual numbers than today. Also, the increased mobility today most likely has a strong positive effect on infidelity. In most surveys, they also ask "would you cheat if you it was guaranteed you would never be caught" and get constant rates of 60-70% "Yes", which is probably closer to the real number, since most people who cheat think they will never get caught. And anyway, my original post was not even focused on cheating but on monogamy, which is a different topic. So save your biological theory and stats for your W, see what she thinks. Haha, I see what you did there. Ad hominem ftw. But seriously, I'm neither married nor a cheater, I just like the truth better than lies, even if the truth is not as nice and cuddly and comforting.
tsabs Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 My wonderful husband recently discovered that I had a very short affair and we are working through it. It is very very difficult, but I do not want to lose him, nor does he want to lose me. I think the biggest mistake I made (other than the obvious!) was not just telling my husband honestly what was going on. I think that the lying makes it even harder to earn back someones faith. Of course it all depends on whether or not you are truly committed to your marriage, if you are, and you are willing to work on it, and your husband feels the same way, you might get to a better spot than you have ever been with him. Its not going to be easy, not matter what, but trust me, its worse if its discovered than if its disclosed. This is the case no matter what the outcome, of your marriage or the other situation. you will feel freed of so much guilt once you admit it, even though you all will be wrecked by it. Take the higher road in this situation and tell your husband honestly what happened.
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