boldjack Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 How can you be the "honest", person you want to be , living a lie? Whether or not you end the affair, if you don't come clean with your husband then you will be trying to rebuild your marriage on lies, which can't be done. Your husband WILL find out at some point, do you want him to learn of it from a stranger or you?
Darth Vader Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 How can you be the "honest", person you want to be , living a lie? Whether or not you end the affair, if you don't come clean with your husband then you will be trying to rebuild your marriage on lies, which can't be done. Your husband WILL find out at some point, do you want him to learn of it from a stranger or you? Very true. At the same time, you're forcing your husband to live a LIE, by not telling him the truth. Sure, your husband will have every right to Divorce you, rightly so, even the Word of God sides with your husband on this, it's his chioce, not yours. Just like your affair was your choice, not your husbands. That's why we say on here Divorce your spouse, but, don't cheat! I haven't even told you about the pain, anger and resentment, betrayal, all the lies, and questions about anything and everything he will have. He may have suspected as well, may have tried to ask, but, you may have lied to him. Or he didn't want to ask. Lady, it's going to be a completely different world with this man that you're married to. He's going to be going through HELL, and you're going to watch him go through it all, and yet, you can do nothing for him to stop it! Oh, and you'll be going through HELL too, by you watching him suffer! Thinking that you caused this, you did this to him. Just remember, that YOU caused this to happen, not your husband.
Reggie Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Why the rhetoric re his failing to meet needs. This has nothing to do with the decison to have an affair. Divorce, seperation, yes. But, with all the other options available, why even mention these allegations re the decison to cheat?
Dexter Morgan Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Our spouses did find out about our frequent communication but have no evidence of physical contact! We both felt ashamed and admit to loving our spouses and children!! Neither wants to ruin our families and cannot imagine the drama and pain if we were to be exposed! However, we are having a very difficult time ending the affair! Then I guess you aren't too ashamed. and don't talk to me about loving your spouses and family, then saying you can't end the affair. First, if you loved them, you wouldn't be cheating in the first place. Second, putting the first aside, if you can't end the affair, just another indication that you don't love your spouse....you just don't want to lose your comfortable family lifestyle. Although less frequent, we have continued our relationship. I have been in marriage counseling and started new activities/hobbies to help but still not strong enough to let go! If you are in marriage counseling, but still lying and hiding your sexual affair....then marriage counseling isn't going to do you a bit of good. How can we discontinue many years of friendship? friendship? is that what you call it when you are orgasming inside someone else? You just QUIT. Simple as that. And if you want to keep your family intact, then you break ALL contact with the other woman. It is inappropriate for you to have ANY kind of "friendship" or contact with this woman. Any helpful tips to end it completely? I have never been this confused in my life! You just tell her that its over, change email accounts, change cell phone numbers.....anything. Like a bandaid, you just rip it off. and i have to laugh when people say they are confused.....what does that really mean?
Owl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Choklit, I'd like to point out to you that the ONE person who told you to just "end the affair and move on" is a repeat, 'professional' other woman. Her hobby (supplemental income) is centered around sleeping with married men. Of course her viewpoint would follow keeping it hidden. That will do you not one bit of good in trying to end the affair and fix your marriage though. If you want to change...if you want to truly end the affair and work on a new marriage, one based on honesty and love...then you need to tell your H the truth. And...I have to side with BNB on this too...I don't understand how your own faith allows you to live a lie like this. Doesn't your faith tell you that in order to right this situation, you need to confess and ask for forgiveness from the person you wronged? I'm a Christian too, and I cannot understand how you would believe that the right thing here would be to conceal this from your husband. It's the wrong move if you want to end the affair and fix the marriage. It's the wrong move if you truly want to heal yourself and the situation spiritually as well. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know...but I think you're avoiding facing the truth about what needs to be done for purely selfish reasons...not any reasons involved with healing yourself, your marriage, or your faith.
2sure Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You cannot end your dependancy on the affair..unless you actually end the affair. Think of a drug addict. He cannot go into rehab with hope of recovery and non addiction and a normal life until he stops taking the drug. All of these people who ask how to end an affair, how to recover, how to not miss the affair.... Hello? Consider actually ending the affair? You cannot move on from it while you are still in it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I am struggling to create a spark/excitement with my spouse on this level(not regain, but something I never once felt with him)? My H is a wonderful person but I never was as open sexually or as affectionate toward him as I am with this other person. Don't you think he can feel you lack of affection? I am not blaming my husband for the affair. I am blaming him for ignoring my numerous attempts to fix the problems. Even suggested marriage counseling. So, it's OK for you to withhold affection, but not for him? You can blame others for setting this situation up all you want... but at the end of the day... it gets laid at your feet. I justified my affair through resentment and anger... but once that was all stripped away I was left with the understanding that the fault was nearly all mine. Also, I learned the hard way that True Repentance means facing the consequences of your actions. Do you believe God forgives those who will not truly repent? I don't.
pkn06002 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 The first step in any of this is to stop the affair. As others have mentioned (and I can attest to) you can make no decisions why the affair is going on. All this other noise you are getting about blame, remorse etc... Is just noise at this point until you end the affair. To start this journey (no matter how it ends) needs to start with you ending the affair plan and simple. After that comes the real fun of withdrawal, questioning, thinking, talk etc... If you confess that is up to you, don't let anyone bully you into it. I for the record did confess and it really made no difference in the short term. In the long term it does shape events. As for the scare tactic of your husband will eventually know that is not true. Millions of people can attest to the fact you can have an affair and have it never found out. But you will need to have the ability to live with that information in your head and your head only.
Author choklit Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I must the end the affair completely, that is a given. I sought a counselor to assist me with this situation, it is like an addiction to drugs. Spiritually, God has been whipping on me, I don't sleep much, don't eat much, and cannot even look my H directly in his eyes. I realize the effects of living in sin and experience the daily dread of another phone call from his wife. She did have little proof that the relationship went too far, but probably chose to ignore it due to her increase in physical disabilities and him being the sole provider. My H stated "And I don't even want to know." To me that meant he probably knows but also chose to ignore it. Our families were close for years, we visited each others' homes overnight, dinners, etc. Neither probably wanted to believe we could be full of lies and betrayal. Once my H stated that he forgave me and wanted to move past this drama, my guilty conscience escalated. I have not seen the OM in over six weeks which is progress for me. I once questioned how people could allow themselves to get into these situations and how difficult could it be to end such behavior. You NEVER know until you go through the experience!
Dexter Morgan Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You NEVER know until you go through the experience! I'm never going to know because I won't allow myself to be put in that situation. Even all the while not knowing my xW was a cheater, I had opportunities on business trips. turned them down flat...wasn't interested. While I sure liked the flattery and thought they were indeed hot, my wife(at the time) and kids were more important to me than anything. the reason you went "through the experience" is because you were too weak to resist.
seibert253 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'm never going to know because I won't allow myself to be put in that situation. Even all the while not knowing my xW was a cheater, I had opportunities on business trips. turned them down flat...wasn't interested. While I sure liked the flattery and thought they were indeed hot, my wife(at the time) and kids were more important to me than anything. the reason you went "through the experience" is because you were too weak to resist. True dat Dex. I face the opportunity all the time at the gym. Even from women who know my wife, and know I'm married. Faced down the dragon earlier this week. 20something college cutie. Told her I was married, she said she didn't care. I told her I did, and that was the end of it. Even with what my FWW did, I would never put her through the pain she caused me. Don't wish that on my worst enemy.
In Like Flynn Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 She did have little proof that the relationship went too far, but probably chose to ignore it due to her increase in physical disabilities and him being the sole provider. This OM is a piece of work!! His wife can give him the sex he needs so he throws away the "In sickness and health" part of his vows and goes and finds some extra "Pussy" on the side. And don't you think for a second that is not all your were. He is not leaving his family but needs to have his sexual needs taken care of and thats where you "come" in!!! You may not think so now because you are caught up in the "High" of the affair but later on you with see it and hit yourself on the head!!! Even if you husband as you state does not want to know.....he must be told at least the basics. You have been screwing this guy for a year and are in love with this guy.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I once questioned how people could allow themselves to get into these situations and how difficult could it be to end such behavior. You NEVER know until you go through the experience! Choklit, I know where your at on this... I've been there. As you do the No Contact thing it will get easier and easier every day. The guilt does not go away as fast... in fact it increases rapidly, then decreases slowly over time. I can't even begin to tell you how relieving it is to be honest. You will see for yourself some day!
Author choklit Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 This OM is a piece of work!! His wife can give him the sex he needs so he throws away the "In sickness and health" part of his vows and goes and finds some extra "Pussy" on the side. And don't you think for a second that is not all your were. He is not leaving his family but needs to have his sexual needs taken care of and thats where you "come" in!!! You may not think so now because you are caught up in the "High" of the affair but later on you with see it and hit yourself on the head!!! Even if you husband as you state does not want to know.....he must be told at least the basics. You have been screwing this guy for a year and are in love with this guy. Never said I expected him to leave his family, we both have families. We live hours apart, therefore, had to put much effort into seeing one another. A majority of our visits did not even involve sex but were full of more fun and companionship. We spent far more time communicating by other means and both have received certain needs met. I do hit myself on the head for ruining friendships, causing hurt, and even getting into this situation. Definitely not proud of the A, working toward getting past it.
Andy L Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 it is like an addiction to drugs... You NEVER know until you go through the experience! Dear, do you think to be strong enough to stop it just with your counselor's help? Without confessing to hubby? Is this kind of "addiction" the sexual way? Is this your weakness? Is OM getting advantage on you for his physical needs (as he doesn't have in the marriage)? Think about it: 1) How to recover from an affair without confessing to spouse... 2) Having the OM in all his sex needs (depending on you)... This combination probably will ruin all you to try to end it.
Author choklit Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Hi Andy, the "addiction" is not sexual. Again, our relationship has not been solely based on sex. We were friends for ten years. For almost a year, we have had hours of daily conversations, daily texting, and daily emailing. We saw each other every 4-6 six weeks, did not always involve sex. Do not misunderstand, his wife is physically capable of sexual activity and only has problems every several months, unfortunately, the wife and I were friends, I knew her history. We became dependent on each other for emotional intimacy and excitement from the daily monotony of our lives. An escape from reality.......no, not a good thing. So much more to our history, that's why it's difficult to let go. The OM is not just someone I met at work or a complete stranger. Get through without confessing? Not sure yet, but I can say the counseling is assisting me to wean myself from the OM. Off the subject, but in high school, I did something very stupid, suffered so much internally, nobody even knew, I told on myself. Knowing me, I'll probably confess eventually because I am definitely suffering internally.
boldjack Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Well, I do hope that you "get around", to confessing, before somebody else,OM's W or somebody narcs you out. You might try being honest, but apparently that's not important to you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 So your friendship is more imparative than your families well being??? Willl you listen to yourself lady? Something is definitely wrong with you and even your inner voice is starting to be conflicted something is telling you to stop the affair. What happens if you get pregnant are you gonna lie forever to your husband's face and proclaim it's his when it's not? arent you tired of lying now??? Why all the lies why dont you just end the relationship. You wouldnt like it if your husband slept and continued to sleep with one of your best friends?? Oh wait but the affair isnt sexual there's a deep friendship?? WTF I wonder if his WIFE would be cool with that?
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Deep friendship, REALLY?? Where in the Word of God it says that a deep friendship comes before you H and family? I would like to read that one myself, just to verify. You know you are caking eating, walking in a fog, and just plain old lying. Nothing will change, until you change it, the right way.
phineas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Deep friendship, REALLY?? Where in the Word of God it says that a deep friendship comes before you H and family? I would like to read that one myself, just to verify. You know you are caking eating, walking in a fog, and just plain old lying. Nothing will change, until you change it, the right way. Jeez, she sounds EXACTLY like my wife. My wife Slept with the OM, They were trading nude pics of each other daily on their cell phones & she still insisted he was her "friend". That it was all emotional & the sex was just something that happened once in a while. Yet, she kept him a secret from me & did everything in her power to make sure we never went anywhere she had been with him. Which after two yrs was almost impossible so we didn't go out much by her choice. choklit - If your husband finds out from anyone but you (and he will eventually) I think there is zero chance he would take you back. I confronted my wife over a huge cellphone bill 2 yrs ago & she lied & denied & told me I was parranoid, told me she loved me then rocked my world sexually. She played me. We are divorceing not because she cheated, but because I have confronted her many times & gave her the chance to come clean & she choose to lie & continue the affair. I see no future (even with two young children) with a woman like that. A woman that knows I know what is going on & still chooses to say "he's just a friend" I'm better off without her & your husband will realize this also if you don't confess.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Knowing me, I'll probably confess eventually because I am definitely suffering internally. ok, and if you tell your H, and he tells you that you are to have absolutely no contact with the other man ever again....what would be your answer?
NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 i know you read my posts and i can tell you i am almost 1 week in since telling my unsuspecting w and it was the worst thing i have ever done but if you want to help yourself and you truly want you m and your w and family ,you have no choice.it was eating me alive that i was living this double life,not to mention the likelihood that i would again repeat these behaviours down the line, it will also definetely effect your health if you are truly remourseful. My w is so devastated,she dosent eat or sleep and our life feels like black hole but at the end of the day i know i was honest and finally open about my feelings,yes it will feel like detox from an addicition, i have been there and i am there again now but if you want any chance of having an m where you truly care you have no real choices here.. i hope it works out for you and in the end you find peace.good luck in your journey as we all need it.
Darth Vader Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 True dat Dex. I face the opportunity all the time at the gym. Even from women who know my wife, and know I'm married. Faced down the dragon earlier this week. 20something college cutie. Told her I was married, she said she didn't care. I told her I did, and that was the end of it. Even with what my FWW did, I would never put her through the pain she caused me. Don't wish that on my worst enemy. Did you inform your wife of this? If you do, watch her freak out!
Author choklit Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 i know you read my posts and i can tell you i am almost 1 week in since telling my unsuspecting w and it was the worst thing i have ever done but if you want to help yourself and you truly want you m and your w and family ,you have no choice.it was eating me alive that i was living this double life,not to mention the likelihood that i would again repeat these behaviours down the line, it will also definetely effect your health if you are truly remourseful. My w is so devastated,she dosent eat or sleep and our life feels like black hole but at the end of the day i know i was honest and finally open about my feelings,yes it will feel like detox from an addicition, i have been there and i am there again now but if you want any chance of having an m where you truly care you have no real choices here.. i hope it works out for you and in the end you find peace.good luck in your journey as we all need it. Thanks Notsure, it's good to hear from those who have experienced this side of the situation(some have no clue). Because my counselor suggested that I keep a log of any contact with the OM AND I spoke with my H in regards to our continued occasional contact, it has gotten much better. My counselor states ending A is not the same for every individual. Some require a weaning process, some can just cut it cold turkey. The years of friendship(YES, friends for 10yrs prior to this mess)is NOT worth losing my family, however both counselors believe it may have contributed to the difficulties. YES, I am committed to ending the A completely and YES I was very wrong. I am remourseful and I do love my family. This has been my greatest mistake in my 10yr marriage and definitely the last of this nature. NONE of us are perfect, we ALL make mistakes, we ALL make our own choices, and we ALL have to grow and learn.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Thanks Notsure, it's good to hear from those who have experienced this side of the situation(some have no clue). and some of us will never have a "clue" because we will never put ourselves in that situation. Because my counselor suggested that I keep a log of any contact with the OM AND I spoke with my H in regards to our continued occasional contact, it has gotten much better. My counselor states ending A is not the same for every individual. Some require a weaning process, some can just cut it cold turkey. only problem with a weaning process, is that it isn't the BS's problem and a BS shouldn't have to put up with anything less than cold turkey. The years of friendship(YES, friends for 10yrs prior to this mess)is NOT worth losing my family and you have to be prepared to never speak another word to this person ever again....that is, IF you really want your marriage and family. however both counselors believe it may have contributed to the difficulties. YES, I am committed to ending the A completely and YES I was very wrong. I am remourseful and I do love my family. This has been my greatest mistake in my 10yr marriage and definitely the last of this nature. then this so-called "friend" should be history never to be contacted again. NONE of us are perfect, we ALL make mistakes cheating isn't a mistake...a piss poor choice, but not a mistake. And sure, we all make mistakes....I leave the toilet seat up occasionally...OOPS. But I never have, and never said OOPS finding myself screwing another woman behind a SO's back.
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