choklit Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Years ago, I met someone and we were both in relationships, one was engaged! We became good friends, we were very attracted to one another, however, maintained an appropriate relationship out of respect for our partners! We both married and have children!! Our families have been close friends for years! Almost a year ago during our conversation, we began to discuss our attractions toward each other in the past! Our conversations began daily, along with emails and text messages! Both were going through similar circumstances and confided in one another! Instead of speaking with our ministers, spouse, or etc., we leaned on each other. Immediately, we were having an emotional affair. Shortly after, we began a sexual relationship! Our relationship is emotional and sexual!! We are both spiritual and feel guilty about our situation! Our spouses did find out about our frequent communication but have no evidence of physical contact! We both felt ashamed and admit to loving our spouses and children!! Neither wants to ruin our families and cannot imagine the drama and pain if we were to be exposed! However, we are having a very difficult time ending the affair! Although less frequent, we have continued our relationship. I have been in marriage counseling and started new activities/hobbies to help but still not strong enough to let go! How can we discontinue many years of friendship? Any helpful tips to end it completely? I have never been this confused in my life!
Owl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 The best way to end it? Confess. Marriage counseling is WORSE than useless if you're in an affair and not admitting it. You're just wasting time and money, and convincing your H that you're "trying" when in reality you're just "lying". It probably won't "ruin your family" but there's really no other better way to end the affair. It will FORCE the end of it, and ensure that NC is put in place to prevent it's recurrence. I know that's not what you wanted to hear...but it's your best course of action.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Both partners need to be informed. They have every right to make decisions about their lives. They are also living a lie. They don't know that neither of you respect them enough to be faithful or tell the truth. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel?
seibert253 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 The best way to end it? Confess. Marriage counseling is WORSE than useless if you're in an affair and not admitting it. You're just wasting time and money, and convincing your H that you're "trying" when in reality you're just "lying". It probably won't "ruin your family" but there's really no other better way to end the affair. It will FORCE the end of it, and ensure that NC is put in place to prevent it's recurrence. I know that's not what you wanted to hear...but it's your best course of action. The Owl is indeed wise. Tell your respective spouses and I guarentee it's done, finite, kaput. You say you both are spirital, religious, whatever. As a Christian I can tell you the only way to cleanse the soul is through confession. Confession to God, and confession to those you've wronged. Without confession, there is no forgiveness. You know what the right thing to do is. You maybe looking for an "easier" way. Or one that is "less harmful". In the long term, there is none.
confusedinkansas Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192097/ Read this thread & see how much pain Notsure7 is in. Read it & then think about your situation....It could be you.
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Shortly after, we began a sexual relationship! Our relationship is emotional and sexual!! We are both spiritual and feel guilty about our situation! Our spouses did find out about our frequent communication but have no evidence of physical contact! We both felt ashamed and admit to loving our spouses and children!! Neither wants to ruin our families and cannot imagine the drama and pain if we were to be exposed! However, we are having a very difficult time ending the affair! Choose between your spouse and the other person! And tell your spouse so that they too can decide whether they want this marriage!
Author choklit Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 I actually just read that post and I am already in the same position as him!! Have a loving and thoughtful spouse, not happy, yet do not want to make any of our children unhappy! Never thought I would find myself in this situation, very stressful!
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I actually just read that post and I am already in the same position as him!! Have a loving and thoughtful spouse, not happy, yet do not want to make any of our children unhappy! Never thought I would find myself in this situation, very stressful! If you think it's stressful now, keep sitting on that fence and wait for the splinters to stab you in the behind.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Read the links I put in NS's thread, it could help you as well.
lkjh Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Only way to stop is to confess. Also, the other person is not your friend. Stop using the friend thing as a reason to keep them around
OFGnomore Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 The best way to end it? Confess. Marriage counseling is WORSE than useless if you're in an affair and not admitting it. You're just wasting time and money, and convincing your H that you're "trying" when in reality you're just "lying". It probably won't "ruin your family" but there's really no other better way to end the affair. It will FORCE the end of it, and ensure that NC is put in place to prevent it's recurrence. I know that's not what you wanted to hear...but it's your best course of action. Confess, I tried and failed numerous times to end my affair. Each time xMM called, I caved. Confession was the only way out for me, not the easiest, but if you're serious about staying out of the A, it's the most effective.
Author choklit Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Confess, I tried and failed numerous times to end my affair. Each time xMM called, I caved. Confession was the only way out for me, not the easiest, but if you're serious about staying out of the A, it's the most effective. Thanks for the response! I am seeing a counselor and suggest it will be in my best interest to confess, but wants to work on some things with me first! I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD, with new meds, I may be able to concetrate better and not make such impulsive decisions! Of course my concern with confession is if I will be forgiven or not! Have heard some say "Never" confess. Active in church, religious family and worried about being judged/reputation! Also struggling with whether or not I really want my marriage to work! Married this person because of "marriage material", there was never an abundance of attraction for me but thought that all of the other important aspects of marriage were far more necessary! Now have all of those questions....did I marry too soon? will I ever have the same type of attraction toward my spouse? am I just selfish?
bentnotbroken Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 We're all selfish in one way or the other. But being active in church, you know what the Lord requires. If you want to not only keep the wedge between you and your H, but keep one between you and God, then don't tell. If you want forgiveness and redemption, then you know what you have to do. The only forgiveness you can be certain of is God's if confession is done in sincerity. God and your spouse are the only ones that matter.
Darth Vader Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 When you do tell, your spouses are going to want to know everything! How many times, where, what positions, what you wore(expect that he/she will want all of those items, including gifts gone), etc. BTW, your children will ultimately be the ones to suffer anyway, because people talk, other children talk, and make fun of things like this. Just remember, this is your and other person's fault! Don't blameshift to your spouses, it'll only abuse and hurt them further! Your children may have an idea as to what's going on, children are smarter than adults give them credit for! Also, expect resentment from your children, as well as them being hurt, as you also cheated on them as well.
Lizzie60 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Well I strongly disagree with anyone who tell you to confess... DO NOT tell your spouses that you had a physical affair.. emotional was already been confessed.. so that's it.. no need to hurt them any further... or take a chance that it will destroy both your marriage. Just leave it at that.. nevermind your therapist.. most don't have a clue what they're talking about (btdt).. they give bad advices.. Stop the Affair.. and move on.. with your spouses.. end of story.. Not all truths are good to tell.. some therapists will advise you NOT to tell any more details or stuff that can ruin any chances for your marriage to survive..
norajane Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Also struggling with whether or not I really want my marriage to work! Shouldn't your wife has some say in that? It's her marriage, too. Why do you get to decide when you're the one lying and cheating and deceiving her for such a long time? This woman who is the mother of your children deserves to know who she's married to, and should have the the right to make an informed decision about her own life and marriage. Perhaps she doesn't want to be married to a guy who's been screwing a family "friend". You can't even end the affair and you feel you deserve the right to make decisions that affect your wife's life forever. Your powers of critical thinking and decision making leave a lot to be desired. Let your wife have the opportunity to weigh in on whether she wants this marriage to work, once she knows what her marriage is really like. And why do you use all exclamation points?
asireen Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Of course my concern with confession is if I will be forgiven or not! Have heard some say "Never" confess. Active in church, religious family and worried about being judged/reputation! Also struggling with whether or not I really want my marriage to work! You may get away with a brief fling now and then. But with an extended affair you will get caught sooner or later. Maybe your wife knows, and is looking the other way, for whatever reason. You are correct that a confession would make things public, and the repercussions following. Change your actions, but do not confess.
Author choklit Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Lizzie60, right now I have no intention to confess. I want to end the affair without confession if possible. I am a female, was ignored mentally and emotionally by my spouse for more than two years. I spoke with my spouse on several occasions regarding my feelings of loneliness and need for his affection(pleading for attention). Nothing changed. No, that did not entitle me to engage in an affair and it is definitely not totally his fault. Owl, mc actually has helped somewhat in enhancing the communication between us, much better understanding in regards to what we need from one another. Cannot say it has been totally useless. I am struggling to create a spark/excitement with my spouse on this level(not regain, but something I never once felt with him)? My H is a wonderful person but I never was as open sexually or as affectionate toward him as I am with this other person. I married him because of love, but also knew my family would approve of him, we would be financially successful, we had similar values, and we were great friends(work well as a team). However, there was never a stong attraction sexually. I honestly thought once married, I would be more experimental and open sexually, that never happened. Now I am in such an awful mess and will forever regret the consequences.
bentnotbroken Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Since you have no intention of telling, you already know what the eventual outcome will be. Brace yourself. you know what the word of God says about adultery, confessing sins and facing the ones you have wronged.
Andy L Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 ... I tried and failed numerous times to end my affair. Each time xMM called, I caved. OFGnomore, I've read your story and I'm happy to see, after the mistakes you did the right thing (in my opinion) confessing to your hubby and things are better in your marriage. But you told that tried 3x to end the affair with him... Did you have any other physical contact with OM more than the 5 times you mentionated in last september? (is so, it doesn't matter anyway, past is past, be happy!) All the best!
Darth Vader Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Lizzie60, right now I have no intention to confess. I want to end the affair without confession if possible. I am a female, was ignored mentally and emotionally by my spouse for more than two years. I spoke with my spouse on several occasions regarding my feelings of loneliness and need for his affection(pleading for attention). Nothing changed. No, that did not entitle me to engage in an affair and it is definitely not totally his fault. Owl, mc actually has helped somewhat in enhancing the communication between us, much better understanding in regards to what we need from one another. Cannot say it has been totally useless. I am struggling to create a spark/excitement with my spouse on this level(not regain, but something I never once felt with him)? My H is a wonderful person but I never was as open sexually or as affectionate toward him as I am with this other person. I married him because of love, but also knew my family would approve of him, we would be financially successful, we had similar values, and we were great friends(work well as a team). However, there was never a stong attraction sexually. I honestly thought once married, I would be more experimental and open sexually, that never happened. Now I am in such an awful mess and will forever regret the consequences. I bolded that part for a very good reason. You are blaming your husband for your affair, even in part is abuse! Not totally his fault? More Blameshifting! Lady, honestly, allow this man to leave you and find someone who will love him and be faithful to him! Is it financial security that you're forcing this man to remain married to you?
OFGnomore Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 OFGnomore, I've read your story and I'm happy to see, after the mistakes you did the right thing (in my opinion) confessing to your hubby and things are better in your marriage. But you told that tried 3x to end the affair with him... Did you have any other physical contact with OM more than the 5 times you mentionated in last september? (is so, it doesn't matter anyway, past is past, be happy!) All the best! Thanks, no 5x = entire affair. I have no regrets about confession, yes life has changed but confession forced me to grow up and get my priorities in order to survive the aftermath. Yeah some people think I'm a wanton woman, some have compassion. But most importantly, I have have my H who is willing and working toward forgiveness, my children are doing well now that "mom is back - mentally and emotionally", and I have my integrity back. For me confessing was the 100% right thing to do and I had to work against my therapist and her recommendation not to do it. ETA: I also have a new therapist.
Author choklit Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 I bolded that part for a very good reason. You are blaming your husband for your affair, even in part is abuse! Not totally his fault? More Blameshifting! Lady, honestly, allow this man to leave you and find someone who will love him and be faithful to him! Is it financial security that you're forcing this man to remain married to you? I am not blaming my husband for the affair. I am blaming him for ignoring my numerous attempts to fix the problems. Even suggested marriage counseling. He was too prideful to go to mc and felt that as long as he was happy, everything was okay. He admits he was not here emotionally. We are both professionals with good careers, we are financially secure together. My main concern is the children, I do not want to hurt my babies, and already have, because of my emotional distance from their father. I am very ashamed and feel like such a coward. Praying for God to give me strength to end the A and to become the honest, secure, faithful, and compassionate woman I used to be.
bentnotbroken Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I am not blaming my husband for the affair. I am blaming him for ignoring my numerous attempts to fix the problems. Even suggested marriage counseling. He was too prideful to go to mc and felt that as long as he was happy, everything was okay. He admits he was not here emotionally. We are both professionals with good careers, we are financially secure together. My main concern is the children, I do not want to hurt my babies, and already have, because of my emotional distance from their father. I am very ashamed and feel like such a coward. Praying for God to give me strength to end the A and to become the honest, secure, faithful, and compassionate woman I used to be You already know how the prayer thing works. If we have anything separating us from God, the prayers don't go higher than the ceiling. How do you change that, tell your spouse the truth. Isn't he a Christian too? Or will he not follow the forgiveness road of God?
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