Dirty texts with an ex

[brokenheartedndn]

Hello. I need some advice. I've told him its over and done and I've started packing, but I'm literally in tears as I write this. I don't want him to go, but I don't think he will apologize, either. I know this is ridiculously long, but I've already chopped half of the details....help. please.

 

Little backstory - I was 30, divorced about a year from a quickie marriage I knew was wrong all along. Alone in a state about 700 miles from "home" - I decided to stay here because of my job, etc etc. About a year and a half ago, I had heard about "him" and he had heard about me for about a week or two before we actually met - our mutual friends thought we'd be perfect for each other since we are both native. Went to a party with some friends, one of my first social nights out since the divorce. Had talked to one other guy before him, but cut that off since it didn't click. Met him that night of the party. Felt like I got hit by lightening the minute I laid eyes on him, and he said the same thing too, later. Took him home with me that night. I had never done anything like that before in my life.

 

The next day, while I was lying in bed with him, I had a feeling to myself that he was going to use me - and I tried to stop thinking about it, and that I was just scared. Now that I think back, I think I always knew...

 

We got serious pretty quick. I was the always the chaser though, or it felt like it to me. After about 3 or 4 weeks, I gave him a key. I know, bad, but I did. We continued on, with me always feeling like something wasn't quite right but I wanted it to work so damn bad....When he moved his stuff in and put his bike in the garage, I was as happy as a pig in the proverbial pile of you know what..

 

Fast forward to last July 4th weekend. He had been extraordinarily sweet to me that week before and kept telling me he was planning a trip home and that his brother was buying him a ticket (home is 2000 miles from here). I was happy for him, but something didn't seem right. The Friday before the weekend, I get out of work and call him on his friend's phone. He says that his buddy is taking him to the airport but he would stop by before he left. I knew he was lying, and had a terrible, awful lonely weekend of crying and wondering. Sunday night, guess who pulls up. It was him, and he admitted right away that he went on a camping trip with work buddy and work buddy's family. He apologized and said that it had been planned since before he had met me. I asked why he didn't invite me and he said he didn't know. (I KNOW NOW!!!) Like a dumbass, I accepted his apology but never got over it.

 

We went on in the same vein for the next year. One minute he was the man of my dreams, and the next I was in tears over some lie or another. He accused me of snooping on him (which I did do - I started to check his phone records online after I found a suspicious number in there and confronted him about it), when he would go through my phone on a daily basis. He also accused me of cheating on him, and I would fire back about his guilty conscience. We never trusted each other, not for a second. We'd fight over the stupidest stuff. He packed his stuff and left a couple of times during late summer, fall, but always came back that same night and say why was I always kicking him out. By Christmastime we were pretty steady, and he had told me he loved me. I felt better.

 

Springtime rolled around and things were as good as they had ever been. He started hinting around about marriage and would tell me what I good woman I was.

 

We left last Thursday for a road trip to visit my family for the 4th of July. The first couple of days were awesome, and he was talking about maybe moving there, which got me really excited. 4th of July night, he gets a text from his daughter's mom of the daughter all dressed up for a wedding. Then another one comes in of his parents with the daughter at the wedding. I thought, well that was nice of her. Then, she sends one of herself and the bride. I said, what's up with that, and he said I don't know. I started to get really nervous and shaky, and couldn't stop thinking about it. He kept playing with his phone, and it ruined the night for me. He went to bed before me, and I didn't see his phone, which was odd. The next morning when we get up, the first thing he says to me is where is your phone, I sent you a text at about 500am and I want to see it (my screen is bigger). It was a picture of the guys in the wedding party, his old friends. I said what were you doing up at 500am texting. He said he couldn't sleep. I got a sick feeling in my gut. He was still hiding his phone. Later that morning, we went to a car wash and I looked through his phone. All his sent messages were deleted and the only ones in his inbox were the ones I had seen, including the one of the ex he hadn't deleted. He was acting really funny, being too nice, and had the nerve to tell me he was horny. It kept bothering me but I didn't want to ruin the trip, so I didn't push the issue. We got home on Monday night and out comes his phone again for the first time since the car wash. I asked if he deleted that yet, and he said no, it's the bride and her and I don't have to delete it. I said yes you do, how would you feel if I had a picture like that. I grabbed the phone and deleted it myself, and he freaked. Called me a stupid ignorant bitch and I have no respect for anyone or anything. I was furious too, and we slept in separate rooms. The next morning when I got to work I checked online, and there were almost 80!! text messages going back and forth between them two, including about 20 pictures each (it tells you sms or mms message online). I fell apart, left work, and went home. His phone was there - he had conveniently left it at home - he does that when he was pissed and didn't want me to call him. I went through it trying to find something to confront him with. I found one picture he forgot to delete in the camera memory he had taken in my grandparents bathroom of him standing in front of the mirror all posed up, no shirt, just boxers. Shortly after that I texted her from his phone and just said hey. She wrote back right away and said did you delete those pictures, then about 5 minutes after that another text comes in of her boobs. I about died and was hysterical. I didn't text her back.

 

When he got home from work, I confronted him. He didn't deny it or apologize. Said that I shouldn't have looked in the first place. I said he completely disrespected me and my family and I couldn't believe he did that in my grandparents house while we were all sleeping! He said I shouldn't have looked in the first place but he's glad I found it and that he knew it would never work with us, and that I ruined it long ago by cheating with all his friends (wtf???). He said he might as well tell me too that last 4th of July this girl I hated had gone on the trip too, and that's why no one told me anything about it (the trip). I asked if he cheated and he just laughed and said what do you think. I was pretty calm through all of it and just said I can't do this anymore, that we need to be done, and would he move out. I didn't want to be with someone that could do this to me. He said he'd leave when he got half the money for the trip. I said go f-yourself, Im not giving you a dime. I took off, but went back right away because I didn't have anywhere to go. Then he took off, but came back too. We didn't talk much, and slept in separate rooms. I started making plans to move out. I was so angry and felt so betrayed. Wednesday, he didn't go to work, but I did. When I came home for lunch, he was gone out somewhere. When I came home at the end of the day, I could tell he had been back, but was gone again. I started to pack in between fits of crying. He came in at about 10:30 at night. He was sober, and I'm pretty sure he had been crying. Didn't say much at first, but then we started talking and I told him I couldn't believe he did this to me. He still didn't apologize. I ended up running in the bedroom crying and went to bed. He slept in the other room again. Yesterday, Thursday, he got up for work and went in and so did I. I got home after work and walked in and noticed alot of stuff was gone (most of it was his friends who had been staying with us), and then when I went to the garage he had taken his bike and tools. I fell apart after having a pretty strong day, because I knew if his bike was gone that means he was gone. His clothes was still there, and his work ID, so I knew he'd at least have to come back for that. He pulled up about 7 and we instantly started fighting. I had taken my name off our joint checking account and he was hollering about me cleaning out the account - it was my money - and long story short I told him to f-off and went running to the neighbors. He left a few minutes later. Right before bed I noticed my car keys were missing. After an exhaustive search of the house, I realized he must have taken them. I was furious, which helped me not to cry. He didn't come back last night. He pulled in this morning and came in the house wearing someone else's clothes....I think he must have stayed at a friends house. I asked him where were my keys. He said I'll give them to you when I get the money for so-and-so (we had borrowed money from so-and-so last week). I said I'll pay half, and gave him the cash at the same time as he gave me the keys. Then he left.

 

I have a feeling he will have taken his clothes and be gone by the time I get out of work today. All I want for him is to apologize. I don't think it will happen. So, my plan is to move back home in 2 weeks. I will be giving up my job and my life as I know it, but I've wanted to go home for years, and we had planned to move in August anyways. I'm devastated and I just can't cope with this. I just want him to apologize and make everything better. How am I actually going to drive away???? What if he does apologize and seems sincere? It's doubtful, but possible, right? If I do forgive him, I think this is bound to happen again. I don't know what to do.

[Bejita463]

I don't know what to do.

 

I think you do.

 

Sorry about your story, and I'd like to say there is more to comment on, but that is all played out by now, is it not? You deserve better than that. Maybe not now, but you will eventually be glad that you learned his true colors before something like children or marriage happened.

 

All he did was make room for someone better.

[brokenheartedndn]

I know, you are right. It just hurts so damn bad. Thank you for responding - I will be using your words for support in the days ahead....

[bella16]

WOW! I'm so sorry you had and are going through this. I couldn't imagine my reaction to something like that... I really think I would have kicked his a## honestly!!

 

Stay strong and the right thing to do is pack up and leave...go home! This is probably a sign that you need to be "home". I would never look back at him and give him the time of day ever again... no matter how hard it is. But that right there is just so disrespectful to no end! Karmas a b####, and he'll get his someday.

[yonex]

Sorry to hear this but HOLY TRIPLE D's what an essay you wrote...how long did it take you?

 

The Shakespeare essay I'm writing right now looks like a sentence compared to this.

[Lucky_One]

There's not an apology in the world that can fix this.

 

He has been cheating on you for a year at least with the mother of his daughter. It's going to take a LOT more than an apology to make this "all better".

 

Move back to your family. Chalk this failed relationship down to moving too quickly and to being emotionally vulnerable post-divorce. Good luck on the move!