daddy-oh Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Well I thought I would add my sorry tale to this forum. About 6 weeks ago my wife announced that she didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. The following day she signed a year lease to an apartment up the road and started to move out. I did the usual the first weekend, blubbering, begging, bargaining, and of course it didn’t help at all. So I started coming here and reading the forum posts. And of course the whole time I am wondering: is she seeing someone else? She denied it over and over again, and even denied it in couple’s therapy, which we started going to after her announcement even thought she made it plain that there was no chance of us avoiding divorce. (The reason we both agreed to go is that we have a 2 ½ year old son and we want to make this as easy on him as possible.) To back up a little she has very legitimate reasons for being angry and even perhaps leaving me. I have struggled with addiction to opiates for 6 years now. I am highly functional in that I have kept the same good job for over four years, I did not ruin our finances, never abused her or my son, but I was distant and I neglected her and I lied to her repeatedly about using. So one year ago she finally told me shape up or I am out. Well I did that but it was too little too late. She never trusted that I was clean despite me taking drug tests in from of her and showing her the results. Additionally I was on a very high does of an anti-depsressant which was severely slowing down my metabolism causing me to gain weight, have little to no energy, have little interest in sex, have insomnia and sleep apnea. So after she told me she was leaving I was distraught obviously, and more or less accidently went cold-turkey off the anti and I feel enormously better. In hindsight it was causing me many of the problems (which I listed) that I was attributing to post acute withdrawal syndrome from coming off of the opiates. I have energy again, a sex drive, I get good sleep etc etc. So coming off that has been a god-send. The problem is that of course I am convinced that things could be better between us: I am working very hard to address my issues that contributed to the divorce and I very much want another chance to make things right between us. So on Sunday, having heard that she is dating, I asked her if she is willing to work with me over the next six months while we wait for the divorce to be finaled to see if there is anything worth salvaging in the relationship, and this means no dating. Well, she said she had to think about it, and finally in therapy last night she says no, I want to date. So I asked her again if there was anyone else and she said no. So I go home and talk to my brother who finally tells me that my X-wife’s Facebook page status had changed about 2 weeks ago from “recently divorced” to “in a relationship”. I call her and confront her abut this and she admits that yes she has been dating, but it has only been two weeks since she met the guy and that he had nothing to do with her leaving me. So I don’t believe her of course, but couldn’t figure out how to check up on her. At two in the morning though I wake up and realize I am pretty sure I know her email account password so I try it and manage to log into her email and sure enough there is a bounced email from one month ago from her to her new man wherein she is calling him sweetie and honey. I feel like a fool, but in a strange way this makes things easier for me. All of a sudden her behavior makes sense, and I realize finally there is no chance for us to reconcile. So I call her and confront her about this and she admits that she has been seeing him for a month but that is it, that she didn’t know him before she had filed for divorce etc. Of course I don’t believe her; the pattern here is that she admits to only exactly what I can prove and nothing more. And she has the gall to try and guilt trip me for snooping in her email. Too me a laughable position, but like all cheaters she would like me to believe I am at fault for her cheating. The hell of it is that for the sake of our son I have to see her and try to be cordial to her. We have to see each other and communicate in order to co-parent. I hate having to do it, but I will for his sake. I think at this point I would still be willing to try and reconcile but it is clear to me that she has zero interest in doing that. Now I am going to go LC as much as possible and do my best to let reality smack her up side the head. Not one of our mutual friends think she is doing the right thing and I think she knows this and so hasn’t been calling any of them. Her immediate family think she is making a huge mistake too but her parents are constitutionally incapable of addressing bad feelings and are enabling her affair by loaning her all of this money to rent a fancy new place, buy a new car, and buy all new furniture, all while my-ex has left me with a mortgage that I can’t afford. Obviously I feel betrayed and angry and I really could use some support. I am trying to do things for myself, which means staying strong in my recovery, going to the gym and meditating, but any and all support is very appreciated. Thanks for reading this.
Author daddy-oh Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 The worst part of all is that I am now all of a sudden a part time dad. My ex has agreed to 50/50 custody but I still can hardly stand it. I only get to see him part time and it is killing me. Being the best father to my son that I can be is the most important thing in my life and I HATE it that my ex-wife can be so selfish as to do this to us and can keep me from him half of the time.
LisaUk Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hi, First let me say you should be extremeley proud of yourself for dealing with your addiction, that takes guts and determination. Take comfort in the fact that you beat your addiction and did everything possible to make your marriage work, you did as your wife requested over a year ago and yet somehow this has still not satisfied her? I think you are right, your wife is only admiting to what she has to when presented with proof. I would imagine your guess that she has been having an affair is probably correct, but I wouldn't bank on her admiting this, either to you or during counselling. I would maybe bring up her lies in the session though, if only to clue the therapist in on what's ACTUALLY happening here. Most of the advice on here in these sitiuations that I have seen, is EXPOSE her to family and friends and I think in your case I would agree with this sentiment. Your wife needs a short sharp shock, she needs to feel the reprocusions of her actions. You need to get tough! Like you said you go LC (as you have your son), you concentrate on you, you stay strong in your recovery for yourself and for your son. Everyone here is great and anytime you want or need to talk we are here for you.
Author daddy-oh Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Lisa, I very much appreciate the support! I have read your thread with interest and it means a lot to me that you are willing to lend support and kind words and thoughts to a total stranger. The things I have to do I have to do for me, that is even more true now. So I have no intention of using again; I am done with that hellish rollercoaster ride for good! I just have to stay strong for me and my son, and I am trying to remember that the best revenge is to live better without them and I am trying very hard to take that to heart and do it! Not that I want revenge per se, but I am very motivated to show her that I will be fine and even perhaps happier without her. Now I just have to figure out how .
LisaUk Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Lisa, I very much appreciate the support! I have read your thread with interest and it means a lot to me that you are willing to lend support and kind words and thoughts to a total stranger. The things I have to do I have to do for me, that is even more true now. So I have no intention of using again; I am done with that hellish rollercoaster ride for good! I just have to stay strong for me and my son, and I am trying to remember that the best revenge is to live better without them and I am trying very hard to take that to heart and do it! Not that I want revenge per se, but I am very motivated to show her that I will be fine and even perhaps happier without her. Now I just have to figure out how . Ahhh, so you have witnessed my gradual slip into maddness then? LOL You're very welcome, we are all here for the same reasons at the end of the day, our circumstances may be different but we have all been betrayed, one way or another.
tojaz Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Ahhh, so you have witnessed my gradual slip into maddness then? LOL You're very welcome, we are all here for the same reasons at the end of the day, our circumstances may be different but we have all been betrayed, one way or another. Madness, no, your no crazier then any other woman. Thats not saying much though. Daddy-oh, the lies hurt the most don't they. She will keep doing it, make it your fault and deny to the end. Check out my thread, similar story but further along. No happy ending either I'm afraid. Beating your addiction shows you have strength, good, your going to need it. Best place to start is to start reading and learning, both about yourself and your relationship, the pieces will all fall into place eventualy although you might not like what you see. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Madness, no, your no crazier then any other woman. Thats not saying much though. It's a good job your across the pond!
tojaz Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Oh give me a break, a tiny thing like you! Besides, I'm kidding. Of all the crazy women I know, your the saneist of them all.
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