JustJess Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hi all, I've spent the last 2 days poring over this forum. I have learned so much from you all. For this, I thank you. I could use some advice. A few months ago, h (55yo) informed me that he found an old (old as in 30 years ago) gf of his online and contacted her. I (45yo) felt secure in our relationship and did not have a problem with this. (Yes, I know, how stupid am I?)A few weeks later, he tells me that while they were chatting online, she hit on him. He minimized it by telling me she had been drinking and didn't really mean it. I told him I felt uncomfortable with the situation. He asked me if I trusted him and when I affirmed this, he said I shouldn't have a problem with it.He began to litter his conversations with snippets of their conversations, in an effort to keep me in the loop and appear as if everything was above board. (Or to make me jealous, who knows).In the meantime, he was contacting other old girlfriends and chatting them up online.Again I told him I had a problem with this. And again, I was stonewalled with the "Do you trust me? If so, you shouldn't have a problem with it" mantra.Yes, there have been problems in our marriage. A year and a half ago, his 2 teenage kids moved in with us b/c their mother threw them out of her house. (We have no children of our own). This caused a huge shift in our lives. HUGE. I/we no longer had the freedom that we once had. The kids came to us "behaviourally challenged" due to the abusive environment they were raised in, and as a result the stress level in our home rose exponentially. I have an ulcer as a result and literally live in pain on a daily basis.A few nights ago, I logged into my h's email account b/c my gut was telling me to. I found an email from the old gf saying how happy it made her that he would call her on the phone when I was out of town, and that if they were only friends, why do they spend so much time together on the phone and texting each other? Excerpt: And I know that given the moment that we are both alone with each other that we will not be able to control the urge to not want to touch each other. I know that's whats going to happen. Its been written by us both. And its something that we can't change, or stop from happening. That's why we have these feelings for one another. There is nothing we can do to change it. I will spare you the rest of the boring/sexual details.Did I mention he has planned a "hunting" trip out west in a couple of months and she just happens to live in the city he would fly into?After I read the ex's email, I seethed. Later that night, he confronted me by telling me I had checked out on being a parent to his kids and that I had given up. At this, I cracked and told him what I knew. Of course, he tried to divert the issue to my snooping, but I refused to let him. His jaw dropped when I told him I felt sorry for his ex gf because he was using her to make himself feel better and how disappointed I was in him for doing this to her. I stormed out of the room, slept on the couch, and in the middle of the night packed a bag and drove 10 hours to the closest relative's home. I have not spoken to him since, nor has he tried to contact me (which, I think, is indicative of his lack of remorse). I know I will have to meet with him and find out if he is sorry and wants to work on this marriage. I would bet dollars to doughnuts he thinks he has done nothing wrong. If so, I guess there's nothing more I can do. I refuse to be a doormat. If he does want to work on the marriage, I want him to 1) end all contact with these ex-gfs, 2) that he shows remorse, admits he's wrong and promises to NEVER do this again, and 3) that we attend marriage counseling together and both actively work on our issues. Am I missing anything here? How do you deal with someone who always thinks they're right, even when you KNOW they aren't?? Thanx for listening. Jess PS. There was no videotape, just wanted to make my title 'catchy'
LisaUk Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hi Jess, I would say you are doing all the right things, leaving and going NC, shows you mean business. How long have you been NC?
tojaz Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hi all, If he does want to work on the marriage, I want him to 1) end all contact with these ex-gfs, 2) that he shows remorse, admits he's wrong and promises to NEVER do this again, and 3) that we attend marriage counseling together and both actively work on our issues. 4) NO HUNTING TRIP!! Am I missing anything here? How do you deal with someone who always thinks they're right, even when you KNOW they aren't?? By doing just what your doing, confronting them with cold hard facts. Thanx for listening. Jess PS. There was no videotape, just wanted to make my title 'catchy' It worked, only reason i popped in. Sounds like you have a good handle on things. Don't fall for the, it's no big deal bit, or were just good friends. my wife did the same thing to me, she has an apartment 30 miles from here!! Just follow your gut and don't be a doormat like you said. I was, didn't help. TOJAZ
Author JustJess Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Thanks Tojaz and LisaUK. (And good call on putting the kybosh on the hunting trip). I've been NC for 3 days, will be 6 days by the time I plan on contacting him. The mere thought of going back home right now makes my ulcer hurt. I've been toying with the thought of getting a hotel near his work and then calling him to go for coffee to have *the* talk. If he's committed to working on this, I'll go home. If not, I'm packing up and moving out.
Thornton Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 You have taken in two children that were not yours, and have looked after them as best you can, but still he is ungrateful. Any man should have loved you for what you did, not decided to cheat on you... he's clearly very ungrateful. Perhaps he's attempting to escape from the stressful situation at home with his kids by indulging in these fanciful conversations with exes? He's already having an emotional affair, which WILL turn physical if you allow him to go on this hunting trip... you need to put a stop to it NOW. Expose his affair to people, call the OW and tell her to stay away, and call her husband/bf (if she has one) and tell him to keep his wife away from your husband. Forward him the emails she's written. An affair thrives on secrecy, you need to bring it out into the open and get her husband on board too... this woman may lose interest once her affair has been exposed. Don't let your husband focus on your snooping... the issue here is his infidelity... and it IS infidelity in an emotional sense if not yet in a physical one. It's concerning that he hasn't yet contacted you about working on your marriage, as it does indicate a lack of remorse. If he wants to work on it, he needs to cancel his trip, cease all contact with other women, and go to marriage counselling. Perhaps family counselling would be helpful for your family issues too? Don't stand for any crap from him, it's better for the marriage to be over than to allow him to continue cheating and hurting you. Don't allow him to use "don't you trust me?" as an excuse for his bad behaviour... tell him you do trust him but you WILL NOT stand for his behaviour, and either he shows you some respect or the marriage is over.
Author JustJess Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Expose his affair to people, call the OW and tell her to stay away, and call her husband/bf (if she has one) and tell him to keep his wife away from your husband. Forward him the emails she's written. An affair thrives on secrecy, you need to bring it out into the open and get her husband on board too... this woman may lose interest once her affair has been exposed. Thank you for your reply Thornton...I have been really struggling with this. If he refuses to admit he's having an emotional affair, refuses to admit any wrongdoing, continues to put the blame on and/or gaslight me, and refuses to go to mc... why should I attempt to save this marriage? I am having a hard time understanding why I would fight for someone who obviously doesn't love me anymore.
Thornton Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Yes, I can understand that. If he clearly has no respect or love for you, continues to gaslight you and refuses MC, then there's nothing you can do to save the marriage. Perhaps you should put it to him in those terms? In any case, I would still expose the affair... if this woman has a husband he has a right to know his wife is cheating. Once she realises she's been caught out, she may end the affair and your husband may be more amenable to sorting things out with you.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I'm curious, as an OW, I am posting in that thread the complete opposite of this. You people here are telling her to leave him, yet when I complained that my MM's wife wouldn't leave due to his apathy you all give me crap for wanting her to "step aside" so I can have him. I don't want that now, or expect it, I just find the difference in "sides" to be strange, that's all.
Thornton Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 From the wife's perspective, if her husband is being adulterous and refuses to end his affair and get counselling to work on their relationship, then there isn't much she can do apart from putting up with his bad behaviour or leaving him. I would suggest leaving him if he refuses to work on things. However, if she did want to stay with him that would be her prerogative. Your man is married, so while his wife would probably be better off with a man who actually respects her, she still has first dibs on him if she chooses to stay, which appears to be what she is doing in your case. She has the right to leave, but you can't expect or demand her to do so... he's her husband and the decision is up to her.
Gunny376 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 IMHO the way you handle this would be the same way you would handle "damage control" on a submarine. No crap, no BS, no "ifs nor buts" No, 'ifs', 'buts' nor 'yea buts'! Its pretty much "ABC" .....................straight down the line! But? Have to ask? Might have missed it? Are you tardy when it comes to sex with him? Sorry to have to ask? But its a relative question?
Gunny376 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I should add? I'm not making a 'call' here? Just asking for more info?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 From the wife's perspective, if her husband is being adulterous and refuses to end his affair and get counselling to work on their relationship, then there isn't much she can do apart from putting up with his bad behaviour or leaving him. I would suggest leaving him if he refuses to work on things. However, if she did want to stay with him that would be her prerogative. Your man is married, so while his wife would probably be better off with a man who actually respects her, she still has first dibs on him if she chooses to stay, which appears to be what she is doing in your case. She has the right to leave, but you can't expect or demand her to do so... he's her husband and the decision is up to her. Hm yeah makes perfect sense.
Author JustJess Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Are you tardy when it comes to sex with him? Sorry to have to ask? But its a relative question? Tardy? No. Sex is definitely one of the main issues though. We have sex almost every other day, otherwise he becomes unbearable to live with. As you can imagine, this does not lend itself to creating an atmosphere in which I enjoy sex. (Resentment). I have the 'big o' probably once a month, if that. If the conditions are right. He wants the full connection/experience every time/every day. The whole lovebank idea I've been reading about on the MB site make so much sense to me. How can you snap at me, not emotionally connect with me, and then expect me to desire you and connect with you? I feel like a maid/nanny with benefits. He has complained bitterly over the years that I do not want sex as often as he does (daily). I am sure he thinks my lack of desire means that I am not in love with him, even though I do a million other things that show I love him. If you were made to feel that you had to have sex, otherwise you (and the rest of the family) would be on the receiving end of sharp remarks and bad moods, I'm guessing you wouldn't be all that into it either.
LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Whatever his sex drive is like is not really the point here. It does not justify his cheating, if you have a problem in a marriage ANY problem, talk about it, seek counselling, whatever, come to a compromise, work it through, that's what marriage is all about, but don't CHEAT! I feel for you Jess.
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