OpenGL Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 This isn't a rant about there being no good women out there or any of that kind of BS as I know there are many and have met many, so that's not my angle on this. But do you guys think it is entirely possible, that for some rare individuals out there, that there is absolutely no one they are likely to ever meet (so using things like "there are 6 billion people in this world" is irrelevant) that will be into them enough to even persue some kind of relationship with? I'm not talking about because of their life situation, their attitude, looks, etc, I'm talking about just that person by default. That is the situation I am currently facing right now. In case you haven't read my previous thread I just started counseling a few weeks ago and it hasn't helped in the slightest. I was considering finding a better counselor and perhaps getting on meds but I got to thinking about it more and I'm not sure how *any* counseling will help me if the fundamentals of my situation don't change, in which I am starting to consider the above where I'm one of those rare individuals who everybody I encounter is just not into me for one reason or another. I mean, there isn't really anymore positive changes I can make about myself. I'm already in excellent shape, college educated, good job, my own place, etc, etc. If you take a look at my lfie it would be very hard to find changes I could possibly make. You could always say I need to change my attitude, but for one this is a developed attitude not inherient, and I have already tried to change it and it has no increased my success rate. Any advice or experiences would be appretiated.
Peanut9330 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 There is someone for everyone in this world but they wont just magically appear. Relationships between people take time and effort from both individuals. Meaning they both have to from a bond and be willing to accept and love the person for who they are, you cant just expect someone to love you or care about you if you dont make an effort as well. As far as meeting someone if your life is on a good track you should socialize more and go out start out with a friendly relationship with someone, get to know them and give them a chance to get to know you before you jump into a serious relationship with them.
Cora Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I honestly don't think that there is someone for everyone. Some people are just meant to be single. Why do you think there are people who stay single practically their whole life? Of course there are those who prefer to stay single, but you can't tell me there aren't people out there who desperately wanted to find someone, but never did. I realize there are other circumstances that come into play here. For example, maybe the person just didn't put themselves out there enough, or maybe they just had a very bitter or negative attitude. Or maybe just maybe they were meant to be single. I could be wrong but I just don't believe there is someone for everyone. That is a bunch of crap.
carhill Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 It all depends on the level they consider healthy regarding having someone for them. Superficially, I think a person can always be in a relationship, even married. I've seen a lifetime of it around me. It's about the level of relationships which are healthy and satisfying for each of us. For example, I could have likely remained married for the rest of my life had I been satisfied with the emotional and physical dynamic. I could've gone on my merry way, kept my perspective silent and lived a nice old age. Different paths for each of us
bac Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 it is impossible. you need to stop rejecting any opportunities because of what you think about them. for example, you believe that fat girls are not good for you, or that one night stand is disgusting. So go and do all these and then you will see that you were so so wrong.
Els Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I think in perfect circumstances there should at least be ONE person that is a decent enough match for everyone. However: 1. That person may never meet you 2. That person may not like you 3. That person might be married 4. You might meet at the wrong time under the wrong circumstances 5. That person might live in an igloo in Alaska And so on and so forth. Considering all this, I'm actually surprised I'm in a relationship.
nobody's girl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I have often wondered that if there is someone for everyone, then what happens when someone dies young? Perhaps "the one" for me was killed in a car crash before we met. Is there another "one" out there or am I out of luck? I also live by a passage in Salman Rushdie's book The Ground Beneath Her Feet: For a long while I have believed … that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not belonging, who come into the world semi-detached, if you like, without strong affiliation to family or location or nation or race . . . The rest of the passage can be found here: http://www.equivocality.net/the-ground-beneath-her-feet-salman-rushdie
kizik Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 If you live eighty years and never make one genuine connection, then it's all your fault for not making yourself available.
Author OpenGL Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 As a response to the people who say I am not making myself available, I assure you that is not that case. In my most recent attempt (ended last month), I started going out like 4 nights a week, every week, with very little to no success. I assure you that I attempt to make connections and to meet people. There are just a lot of women out there, who are just not into me for whatever reason.
Phateless Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 This isn't a rant about there being no good women out there or any of that kind of BS as I know there are many and have met many, so that's not my angle on this. But do you guys think it is entirely possible, that for some rare individuals out there, that there is absolutely no one they are likely to ever meet (so using things like "there are 6 billion people in this world" is irrelevant) that will be into them enough to even persue some kind of relationship with? I'm not talking about because of their life situation, their attitude, looks, etc, I'm talking about just that person by default. That is the situation I am currently facing right now. In case you haven't read my previous thread I just started counseling a few weeks ago and it hasn't helped in the slightest. I was considering finding a better counselor and perhaps getting on meds but I got to thinking about it more and I'm not sure how *any* counseling will help me if the fundamentals of my situation don't change, in which I am starting to consider the above where I'm one of those rare individuals who everybody I encounter is just not into me for one reason or another. I mean, there isn't really anymore positive changes I can make about myself. I'm already in excellent shape, college educated, good job, my own place, etc, etc. If you take a look at my lfie it would be very hard to find changes I could possibly make. You could always say I need to change my attitude, but for one this is a developed attitude not inherient, and I have already tried to change it and it has no increased my success rate. Any advice or experiences would be appretiated. Are you sure you're not making yourself emotionally unavailable/unwilling to be vulnerable? It takes time to develop that connection with someone. Are you meeting people solely at bars and clubs? Do you have common interest groups you attend? I go swing and salsa dancing, I ride mountain bikes and motorcycles, go to concerts, etc. All great places to meet qualified women. Bars tend to be a pretty bad place to meet someone with real partnership potential. What about online dating? Are you having trouble finding women that interest you, or finding women that are interested in you? Psychological studies show that there isn't "the one." Instead, there can be multiple possible "ones." Does that make sense?
Els Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 If you live eighty years and never make one genuine connection, then it's all your fault for not making yourself available. Actually, I suspect that many people, including those who have had thousands of 'relationships'/flings/sex/whatever you call it... have never made a genuine connection all their lives.
Author OpenGL Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Are you sure you're not making yourself emotionally unavailable/unwilling to be vulnerable? It takes time to develop that connection with someone. Are you meeting people solely at bars and clubs? Do you have common interest groups you attend? I go swing and salsa dancing, I ride mountain bikes and motorcycles, go to concerts, etc. All great places to meet qualified women. Bars tend to be a pretty bad place to meet someone with real partnership potential. What about online dating? Are you having trouble finding women that interest you, or finding women that are interested in you? Psychological studies show that there isn't "the one." Instead, there can be multiple possible "ones." Does that make sense? See the post directly above yours. I assure you that I make myself available in every way possible. I'd have to say close to 80% of my interactions are at bars and clubs but that isn't because I want the ratio to be that high it's just that for me it's the time where I'm most exposed to single women. The other 20% has been meeting women through friends (not setups, just basically meeting new people through friends). Absolutely none of the people I've been through friends have the slightest interest in me, in fact some of them out right don't like me.
Phateless Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 See the post directly above yours. I assure you that I make myself available in every way possible. I'd have to say close to 80% of my interactions are at bars and clubs but that isn't because I want the ratio to be that high it's just that for me it's the time where I'm most exposed to single women. The other 20% has been meeting women through friends (not setups, just basically meeting new people through friends). Absolutely none of the people I've been through friends have the slightest interest in me, in fact some of them out right don't like me. I see. Maybe you're making yourself too available and coming on too strong? Showing too much interest too early on in the process subcommunicates desperation and neediness - two major deal killers for any potential partner. Women at bars tend to be defensive because they're getting constantly bombarded by drunk guys they're not interested in. Bars are the worst place to meet women, if you ask me. Try going swing and salsa dancing. You take lessons at the beginning and rotate partners every few minutes. It's kinda like speed dating except far less pressure. Afterward there's usually open dancing so you can practice the moves you just learned with the girls you just met. At the very least you can make a bunch of new friends, expand your social circle and that can possibly lead you to a woman you connect with? You see where I'm going with this though? It doesn't have to be swing or salsa dancing but some kind of group setting. Group hikes, wine tasting, etc. There are plenty of singles social groups out there. Try http://www.meetup.com and http://www.finallyfoundyou.com Keep us posted.
Author OpenGL Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 I see. Maybe you're making yourself too available and coming on too strong? Showing too much interest too early on in the process subcommunicates desperation and neediness - two major deal killers for any potential partner. Women at bars tend to be defensive because they're getting constantly bombarded by drunk guys they're not interested in. Bars are the worst place to meet women, if you ask me. Try going swing and salsa dancing. You take lessons at the beginning and rotate partners every few minutes. It's kinda like speed dating except far less pressure. Afterward there's usually open dancing so you can practice the moves you just learned with the girls you just met. At the very least you can make a bunch of new friends, expand your social circle and that can possibly lead you to a woman you connect with? You see where I'm going with this though? It doesn't have to be swing or salsa dancing but some kind of group setting. Group hikes, wine tasting, etc. There are plenty of singles social groups out there. Try www.meetup.com and www.finallyfoundyou.com Keep us posted. At bars I suppose sometimes I come on too strong (sometimes from being drunk and sometimes from there being so much other competition), but with the encounters I have with friends I keep it VERY casual and keep the flirting VERY light. Trust me on this I come on very light if at all due to the fact I don't want to make things weird if I come on strong and they flat out reject me. I keep it very casual. I'm not going to try salsa or swing dancing because that genuinely does not interest me and I will seem fake. It's very easy to tell me someone has no interests and they are just there to meet women which would be the case for me. I have not tried those particular sites but have tried other online dating sites (both free and paid) and like 99% of other guys I have had absolutely no success with them.
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 There are plenty of singles social groups out there. Try www.meetup.com and www.finallyfoundyou.comI can't speak for the second link, but I've been to a couple of Meet Ups and it's a great way to expand one's social circle. There are lots of other ways as well. There are Toastmasters groups in pretty much every city in North America. And hey, even if you don't meet someone, the worst thing that could happen is that you might learn something. (No sarcasm intended there.)
Author OpenGL Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Are you having trouble finding women that interest you, or finding women that are interested in you? Sorry forgot to address this. I am having trouble finding women that are interested in me.
Phateless Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 At bars I suppose sometimes I come on too strong (sometimes from being drunk and sometimes from there being so much other competition), but with the encounters I have with friends I keep it VERY casual and keep the flirting VERY light. Trust me on this I come on very light if at all due to the fact I don't want to make things weird if I come on strong and they flat out reject me. I keep it very casual. I'm not going to try salsa or swing dancing because that genuinely does not interest me and I will seem fake. It's very easy to tell me someone has no interests and they are just there to meet women which would be the case for me. I have not tried those particular sites but have tried other online dating sites (both free and paid) and like 99% of other guys I have had absolutely no success with them. Ah, I see. Well you have to learn when to push forward and when to pull back and let them chase. It takes time to develop the right kind of intuition for that. If you can begin the conversation and show some interest, then pull back and make them work for you a little bit, you might get farther. Never underestimate the power of rolling off a little bit. To be harsh bro, maybe you should sack up and try the dancing thing? Get out of your comfort zone, do something you would not normally do. It just might work. You might even like it. Albert Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What you're doing now obviously isn't working. If you want different results, try different methods.
BobSacamento Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 If your looking for a relationship and you go to bars and get drunk, that's your first mistake.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Yes. I'm with Cora, Elswyth and Carhill on this one. I do think it's possible to be married or in a relationship if you're willing to settle. But why should anyone?
Phateless Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Btw, buying some new clothes never hurt anyone. Go to a store like Express and find the cutest sales girl there. Tell her "I have $200 to spend and I want to look hot. Can you help?" Worth a shot. I've done that before, lol.
Author OpenGL Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Ah, I see. Well you have to learn when to push forward and when to pull back and let them chase. It takes time to develop the right kind of intuition for that. If you can begin the conversation and show some interest, then pull back and make them work for you a little bit, you might get farther. Never underestimate the power of rolling off a little bit. To be harsh bro, maybe you should sack up and try the dancing thing? Get out of your comfort zone, do something you would not normally do. It just might work. You might even like it. Albert Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What you're doing now obviously isn't working. If you want different results, try different methods. Perhaps, but I still think doing something you have no interests in is extremely transparent. I think something that I have at least a little interests in would be more reasonable.
Author OpenGL Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 If your looking for a relationship and you go to bars and get drunk, that's your first mistake. To best honest when I'm at the bars I'm just trying to pick up, not really looking for a relationship. If a relationship develops at a later time, great, but that isnt' my main concern when I go bar hoping or clubbing. I am realistic, it's a meat market and I know that.
Author OpenGL Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Btw, buying some new clothes never hurt anyone. Go to a store like Express and find the cutest sales girl there. Tell her "I have $200 to spend and I want to look hot. Can you help?" Worth a shot. I've done that before, lol. I assure you I wear extremely nice clothes. Even last weekend a girl complemented me on how nice I dress.
Phateless Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Perhaps, but I still think doing something you have no interests in is extremely transparent. I think something that I have at least a little interests in would be more reasonable. Agreed. So take my train of thought and run with it. Find some new things to learn or try out. Also, it's worth trying something once or twice just to try it.
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