wutdoidonow Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Ok, after a while with no responses I am now changing the name of my thread. Please, Please help me??????? I have been with my husband for 11 years and want to seperate but my husband doesn't want to. I have given in to him for so many years and been unhappy for most of those years. I have finally made a decision to try and make myself happy! The only problem is we both each have a child from aprevious relationship but both children live with us. How do I break the children up? They are very close. His daughter and my son have been in each of our lives since they were babies! I know that this seperation news is breaking my husbands heart and it will altimately cause pain and confrusion for the children also. But I can't stay anymore with a man that I am not in love with and that I have no physical attraction too. I have given him everything a wife and friend can possibly give and I did not ever receive the same in return. Let me rewind and tell you that I have never been physically attracted to my husband but in the beginning he made up for that with his kindness and loving ways. Well that changed after about a year into our relationship. He started showing his true colors and that changed the way I felt about him. All we ever do is argue and cuss at each other. We have always had great sex but I have to close my eyes and imagine he is someone else. I feel horrible for that but I have tried to change that and I can't. Well needless to say I stuck it out because I thought that things would get better but I soon found myself doing all of the work in the relationship. I keep myself looking great and in great shape. I do whatever he wants sexually and then some. I cook, I clean adn still work and pay bills. I have been there for him whenever he needed me no matter what! I try to make him proud to call me his wife but for some reason he thought that once he had me he had no more reason to listen to me and understand how I felt about anything. He also never even cared what he looked like or how he smelled or anything. I am sorry if I'm being to general with my issues but I am very worried that he will see this and know it is me because he has seen me on this website before. But anyway, I don't know what to do. We have talked and talked until I am blue in the face. We have not argued about this but we talk about it everyday and one day he'll say he understands how much i'm hurting and that he'll let me go because he loves me. But then the next day he says he won't let me go and begs me to give him another chance!! As if this is the first time I've ever expressed my unhappiness (i've been telling him these things for years). Well he has had 1000 chances to change in the past 10 years!! I love him because we are friends but I don't want to be trapped like this anymore. I want to find out if I can make myself happy as opposed to waiting for him to do things to make me happy. If I stay it is only because I don't know what to do with the children they are both 11 years old. How do you break a childs heart and live with yourself afterward. If it was me alone i could leave at a moments notice. So what can I do. Please do not try and advise me to stay with my husband that part I have my mind made up on, I just need some help dealing with how to transition the children without them hating us.
Owl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Is it possible to agree to a joint custody decision that keeps the children together, but shared between you and your H as though they were both children of the same marriage? That's about the only thing I can offer. I don't know much about divorce or custody...most of my advice is centered around reconciliation, which you clearly don't want.
Thornton Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Yep, I agree: can you keep the children together and share custody? If you want more responses I suggest breaking up that wall of text into paragraphs, because it's very difficult to read so most people won't bother.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I was just going to ask that, have you and your husband done marriage counselling? Honestly, for the kids sake, you owe it to them, as well as to yourselves, to give your marriage one last (and best) effort. Why throw in towel, throw away your life as you know it, all that history, because you want to separate? Have to ask, is there someone else that you want? Anyway, counselling can help change the dynamtic between you and your H. Things can get better, that is, if you want it to. I don't think it's possible NOT to hurt your kids. Divorce and separation hurts them, how could it not?
tojaz Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Why throw in towel, throw away your life as you know it, all that history, because you want to separate? Have to ask, is there someone else that you want? Anyway, counselling can help change the dynamtic between you and your H. Things can get better, that is, if you want it to. Think you can convince my wife of that? I can pay! If you are willing, I think MC deserves a chance, if you have not done this already, but that is up to you, and you seem resolute in your decision. I believe that the custody arrangement can work any way you want it to as long as you both agree to the terms. It would seem to me that something similar to what Owl suggested would be benificial to the kids. Your attorney would probably know more. TOJAZ
Author wutdoidonow Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 well, i did agree to marriage counseling but that is only because i know we both need it. I am not going to counseling to save my marriage. I want to save our friendship more than anything. I have totally lost myself in this marriage! I want to be free but I don't want anyone to hurt like i've been hurting all of these years. I also don't think that shared custody of the children is an option because his child is by another woman and mine is by another man.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 At best, you'll be putting the children at increased risk for many issues that may not show up until much later. http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=effects+of+divorce+on+children Unless the home situation is endangering the kids, there doesn't seem to be much research that shows divorce helps kids. And my personal experience tells me the same. So, it looks like your mind is made up. To me, it sounds like your personal happiness is the most important thing to you. Good luck.
lkjh Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 you really have to think about the kids. The kids need to see constancy or at least effort in something like marriage. Why are you so against working your marriage out? If you end it then what? Im asking these questions because that old saying about greener grass gets used way to much but it is true. Life may not be great now but that doesn't mean divorce is the answer.
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