sotiredandfrustrated Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 About 4 months ago, my common law boyfriend (he's 32, I'm 27) was out of town for a night, as he sometimes is for work, and ended up back at his hotel with 2 girls another guy from the bar he'd been drinking at. Apparently he knew the guy previously, not the girls. That right there is more than inappropriate...anyways... One of the girls ends up staying, yada, yada, yada... A month ago I find a phone number in his bag, he claims not to know who's it is, but it was clearly a girls handwriting and from another area code. I had a bad feeling, so I called. According to both of them, they had never talked again, and according to him, he had no intentions of calling her and the number had been slipped into his bag. he didn't take it from her, and he claims he would have done a better job of hiding it had he known it was there. What a sweetheart right? So here I am, a month after finding all of this out, and angry as hell, still. I will admit he has made some significant life changes since all of this has happened, curbed the drinking, which was a must, and he's been working hard at his job and gotten a promotion and a raise. I don't doubt that he is sorry, and he wants more than anything to get past this and get married like we had planned (which is far far away now), but I am having a really, really hard time getting over this. At the most random times I will get these mental images of him and this girl, and I find it so disgusting and infuriating, I end up lashing out at him when he's just making coffee in the morning. Sometimes I feel this balled up anger physically, my jaw clenches, my stomach feels sick, and I'm smoking again, which totally sucks. I would like to know if/ when this will ever pass? Will I ever stop wondering where he's really been when he walks in the door? Is he a total dirtbag, and I have had the wool pulled over my eyes this whole time? Or did he make a really stupid mistake, and deserves a second chance? And if anyone has some coping advice, I would really appreciate it.
donnamaybe Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Drunk is no excuse, and I feel that if you accept what he did as an "accident," he will assume you'll put up with this in the future. I would run if I were you.
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 He made a dumbass mistake, but donnamaybe is right, drunk is no excuse. Doesn't mean that you can't work through this, but it does mean that it's going to take a lot of time and re-building of trust before you can life without that iron feeling in the pit of your belly.
brock9911 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I know for a fact your hoping for answers to tell you that it was a mistake and that it will pass and everything will be ok. see in new york there is no such thing as common law anymore, but me and my ex were together for 7 years when i found out she cheated on me. while out with people from work after a meeting she went to the bar and had a few drinks. i got a message from a friend who i hadnt spoken to for a # of years. he said hey bro i dont know if your still with your girl but i saw her fooling around with 2 guys at the bar. he described them perfectly and i confronted her. she went on to say she was slipped a roofy cuz she doesnt remember a thing. not even getting home. after breaking up for a bit, we worked things out a bit and my father passed so my mind drifted from her. i believed her story. next thing you know, we're back living together at my house with me and 2 roommates. about a month goes by when a few of my friends walk in on her fooling around with another kid at 1 of our parties....once again she says she doesnt remember. come on. please. i than get told by a few people that its not the first time they walked in on her b4. long story short, they say they dont remember, it will never happen again, they were drunk, or it never happened. its all bull $h!t. once it happens then you can never get the image of that person with someone else out of your head. oh and the irony of this whole story, she broke up with me because she thought i was cheating on her, which i NEVER did. it was her own guilt. sorry if its not what you want to here, but we're in similar boats, dont be the fool. good luck
Road To Joy Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I am so sorry you had to go through this. I know a lot of people will advice you to leave the relationship. And it's easier said than done, but you can do it. And you should. This WILL haunt you. Sadly, this happened only a month ago. He may have made some positive changes, but nobody truly changes in a month. Drunk or sober, it doesn't change what he did. This will stay in your head. You will wake up hurting, you will go to sleep hurting. If they come home a few minutes late, or answer your texts a little late, or miss a call from you. All that's going to be going through your head are fears and questions. Where are they? What are they doing? Why aren't they answering me? It goes on and on. Once the trust is gone, it's nearly impossible to gain it back. If you're both willing to work at it, I would suggest getting counseling together. Yes, it's that serious. If you don't believe me, don't do anything what's being suggested to you and you'll see for yourself: the next month will be hell for you. Good luck. You're not alone. Plenty of us have gone through this here on LS. You'll be okay, I promise.
Nedved Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Its gonna take you a lot of time and effort from you to forgive him and to move on with him you'l have to put it behind you which is not the easiest thing in the world. To be honest i think i'd always hold it against a girl if she slept with somenbody else. My ex went to the cinema and kissed a guy behind my back while i was away and i never forgave her. Everytime we rowed i brought it up. I just could'nt forget it. Still hurts when i think about how sly and cunning she was. He knew exactly what he was doing and when we went back to the room with that girl and he may be full of remorse now but he's hurt you really bad and completely turned your life upside down. Could you ever see yourself forgiving him and moving on? As i saidn i could'nt do it and it prob ruined what was left of our relationship as i was to insecure and could no longer trust her.
burningashes Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 My ex cheated on me too. Because we were together for so long, that I believed that he was remorseful and tried to forgive him. But it was always at the back of my head. He never cheated again, and although we aren't together anymore, we were together for another three years after that. I was angry and raged at him for months afterwards. I cried and screamed at him at totally random times. It does get easier over time, but it's always there- the trust is never, ever, ever 100% again. You will always have that sliver of doubt, "What if?" And he will always know that you don't fully trust him, and never will. He will eventually start to resent you holding it over his head for so long, and you will resent him for destroying your trust in him in the first place. It's just a question of whether you can live with that for the duration of your relationship with him. If you want to forge ahead, I would recommend MC and/or IC, and get this worked out ASAP. I wish I did this with my ex, maybe we wouldn't have been so miserable for so long.
KAP84 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 About 4 months ago, my common law boyfriend (he's 32, I'm 27) was out of town for a night, as he sometimes is for work, and ended up back at his hotel with 2 girls another guy from the bar he'd been drinking at. Apparently he knew the guy previously, not the girls. That right there is more than inappropriate...anyways... One of the girls ends up staying, yada, yada, yada... A month ago I find a phone number in his bag, he claims not to know who's it is, but it was clearly a girls handwriting and from another area code. I had a bad feeling, so I called. According to both of them, they had never talked again, and according to him, he had no intentions of calling her and the number had been slipped into his bag. he didn't take it from her, and he claims he would have done a better job of hiding it had he known it was there. What a sweetheart right? So here I am, a month after finding all of this out, and angry as hell, still. I will admit he has made some significant life changes since all of this has happened, curbed the drinking, which was a must, and he's been working hard at his job and gotten a promotion and a raise. I don't doubt that he is sorry, and he wants more than anything to get past this and get married like we had planned (which is far far away now), but I am having a really, really hard time getting over this. At the most random times I will get these mental images of him and this girl, and I find it so disgusting and infuriating, I end up lashing out at him when he's just making coffee in the morning. Sometimes I feel this balled up anger physically, my jaw clenches, my stomach feels sick, and I'm smoking again, which totally sucks. I would like to know if/ when this will ever pass? Will I ever stop wondering where he's really been when he walks in the door? Is he a total dirtbag, and I have had the wool pulled over my eyes this whole time? Or did he make a really stupid mistake, and deserves a second chance? And if anyone has some coping advice, I would really appreciate it. want some advice? go sleep with some other dude, throw it in his face and call it quits. once a cheater always a cheater!
on edge Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 OP, This probably isn't the first time that he has done this. This is probably just the first time that he has been caught.
Nedved Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 OP, This probably isn't the first time that he has done this. This is probably just the first time that he has been caught. Thats another thing you really need to consider and its a very good point. That was always at the back of my mind with my ex. Its a fairly impossible situation and for me once the trust is gone the relationship is gone.
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