GiveAndTake Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I've been dating a guy for 2 months now. We spend almost all of our time together so it feels like it's much longer. Still no "I love you" Very often, he stares at me as if he is going to say it but still has not. He sings random one liners from songs to me that usually have "I love you" in them. He constantly says nice things to me and is very affectionate. I'm in love with him. No if ands or buts about it. Also, I believe he is in love with me. All the signs are there. My question is, what do you think is holding him back? Is it possible I am wrong and he does not love me? Is he scared? How do I help him get the words out if he is holding back? Geez, I sound like a school girl longing to hear the words...lol
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Have you told him you loved him? Or are you waiting for him to say it before you'll say it? Actions always speak louder than words. He's telling you, he's just not using those words.
Author GiveAndTake Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 No, I have not told him that I love him. He will have to say it first.
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 No, I have not told him that I love him. He will have to say it first. And there's the problem. You've turned it from an expression of romantic interest into a power play. Drop the ego. Take the initiative. Do what women are always telling men to do: Be vulnerable. Say it first. Yes, it's damn scary. Do it anyway.
Bayern Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I agree, it's just as scary for some guys. More so for some of us shy ones He may have been burned before, too.
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 He may have been burned before, too. That's what kept me from telling my now-wife that I loved her for longer than I probably should have. You've only been dating for two months. Give it a couple more months. He'll come through.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Do not under any circumstances say it first. Like it or not, saying it first is a major move of handing over power to the other person, at least for a while. I believe that the woman saying "I love you" first is a terrible idea. The smart girl lets the man initiate emotional landmarks ("let's be exclusive", "I love you", "let's move in together", "let's get married", etc.) so he doesn't feel pressured or scared off by her being the dreaded "clingy" or "needy". Men want to feel that they are in control, even when they have no idea they're not. I'm as sappy as they come, and I have happily waited 3-5 months for the "I love you" before. In that case, his feelings were obvious, but he struggled with verbalizing them, so the words came after a few months. If it hadn't come by about 6 months, my interest in him probably would have started to wane.
AlektraClementine Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 HA - I waited 7 months before he finally said " I love you". We're now engaged and it's something we speak of every now and then. He says he knew he loved me much earlier than 7 mths and I knew earlier as well. Looking back, I remember the agony of waiting to hear it. But 2 months!!! Really. Give it some more time. Or say it if you feel like it. I was too scared to and I'm glad I waited for him to do it.
apple21 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I agree, you need to wait until he says it. But if you can, don't think about it. 2 months is still early. If you continue to think about it, it may eventually end up ruining your time with him. You may have a wonderful day with him but when the day passes and still no I love you, all you are left thinking about is the no "i love you" and not the wonderful time you had together.
Sam Spade Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I'm baffled by the sentiment that not saying 'I love you' first somehow puts you in control , plust thinking about it in these terms is just sick, IMO:sick:. the only reason I would hold back saying it (which is what I'm currently doing), is to avoid hurting someone's feelings by saying something like that before I'm quite certain things are getting a lot more serious. Absent such concerns, I could easily spit it out early on to keep you hooked good. "In control" my ass .
Bayern Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I'm baffled by the sentiment that not saying 'I love you' first somehow puts you in control , plust thinking about it in these terms is just sick, IMO:sick:. the only reason I would hold back saying it (which is what I'm currently doing), is to avoid hurting someone's feelings by saying something like that before I'm quite certain things are getting a lot more serious. Absent such concerns, I could easily spit it out early on to keep you hooked good. "In control" my ass . Right on...
AlektraClementine Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I'm baffled by the sentiment that not saying 'I love you' first somehow puts you in control , plust thinking about it in these terms is just sick, IMO:sick:. the only reason I would hold back saying it (which is what I'm currently doing), is to avoid hurting someone's feelings by saying something like that before I'm quite certain things are getting a lot more serious. Absent such concerns, I could easily spit it out early on to keep you hooked good. "In control" my ass . For me, it was less about having control and more about what you confirmed above. I'm going to catch a lot of flack here from the feminists but I really do feel like a large majority of women fall in love more quickly. They're generally ready to hear the words earlier in the relationship than the man. Women who say it first run more of a risk of freaking the dude out than the dude does saying it first to the woman.
Sam Spade Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Women who say it first run more of a risk of freaking the dude out than the dude does saying it first to the woman. That part I agree with. Waiting for the guy to initiate most of the milestones makes sense, but mostly (and perhaps only) because women tend to fall into these things faster, and thereby run the risk of runining everything for everybody . And, any sane guy would appreciate (not take for granted) a patient woman.
Author GiveAndTake Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 I appreciate all of the feedback. No, I do not have any intention of saying it first. He shows me every day that he loves me but I would like to hear it. Another couple of months will drive me batty I think. What I was wondering was, can I comment when he says things like "mi amor" or when he sings a line from a love song that says I love you in it? Maybe it'll help him along if I stop and say something. Right now, I ignore his "underground" love commentaries.
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I appreciate all of the feedback. No, I do not have any intention of saying it first. If, by holding out, would you be authentic to your feelings? Yes, saying "I love you" first is difficult, because we can never know 100% for sure what the response is going to be. It's fearful. Feel the fear and do it anyway. (For the record, I don't expect you will, you've already determined that you won't be authentic, open up and be vulnerable to him. And I think that's tremendously sad.)
carhill Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Tell me about the contexts in which you've heard him say ILY to anyone For example, his mother and father. Another dynamic is the mutual understanding regarding ILY and sex. It's an area where both parties should be compatible IMO so resentment does not form. IOW, if one party feels sexual activity should be accompanied by ILY and it does not happen, over time, resentment can build. No one is right nor wrong but rather it's another aspect of compatibility. The important thing is that you and your dating partner/BF are compatible.
Author GiveAndTake Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 (For the record, I don't expect you will, you've already determined that you won't be authentic, open up and be vulnerable to him. And I think that's tremendously sad.) Maybe I should have said, I have shown vulnerability to him. I tell him exactly how he makes me feel. I tell him that I get butterflies when he kisses me and goosebumps when he kisses my neck. I told him that I never met anyone as wonderful as him. etc... He says similar things to me all of the time. He is very warm and verbally expresses himself often which is why I'm surprised he hasn't told me that he loves me. He knows I love him. Just as I believe he loves me. It's simply a matter of saying the 3 words.
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Maybe I should have said, I have shown vulnerability to him. I tell him exactly how he makes me feel. I tell him that I get butterflies when he kisses me and goosebumps when he kisses my neck. I told him that I never met anyone as wonderful as him. etc... He says similar things to me all of the time. He is very warm and verbally expresses himself often which is why I'm surprised he hasn't told me that he loves me. He knows I love him. Just as I believe he loves me. It's simply a matter of saying the 3 words. It's an established truism that people are known for their actions, not their words. So he IS telling you. He's just not using those words. All I can suggest is just to not get too hung up on the words. Sounds like he's completely smitten with you, and you with him. (Lucky dude!)
Author GiveAndTake Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Tell me about the contexts in which you've heard him say ILY to anyone For example, his mother and father. Another dynamic is the mutual understanding regarding ILY and sex. It's an area where both parties should be compatible IMO so resentment does not form. IOW, if one party feels sexual activity should be accompanied by ILY and it does not happen, over time, resentment can build. No one is right nor wrong but rather it's another aspect of compatibility. The important thing is that you and your dating partner/BF are compatible. His younger sister lives with him and she's as mushy as they come. They are from another country and only have each other here. She always tells him that she loves him. He responds with "I love you too". He doesn't initiate it though but that's his sister. However, she tells him so often, there is no chance for him to initiate it. So, it's hard to tell from that relationship I think. As far as sex is concerned, we are sexually compatible. I don't look for the "I love you" in the bedroom. I don't think that way. To me, sex is sex and has nothing to do with love other than that sex is better when you're in love. But for me, sex is a physical thing for the most part.
carhill Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 To me, sex is sex and has nothing to do with love other than that sex is better when you're in love. But for me, sex is a physical thing for the most part. When relating relationship histories, would you say his perspective is similar? IOW, he had sex with women he did not care for but desired sexually and that was satisfying for him? There will come a time in your future with him where this stuff will be far more important than it is now in the infatuation phase. Remember, a relationship is a dynamic, not just about one person's perspective. Good luck!
Ruby Slippers Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I'm baffled by the sentiment that not saying 'I love you' first somehow puts you in control , plust thinking about it in these terms is just sick, IMO:sick:. Please. Women are obliged to handle these matters with care. We might want the guy bad and want to **** him on the first date, but that's usually not going to get us anywhere. A smart woman knows what the result of such a decision is likely to be. It's not sick to develop a grasp of human pyschology -- it's smart. In younger years, people tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves and pay no mind to underlying power dynamics -- in the workplace, in friendships, and in love. Anyone with half a brain quickly learns that these matters have to be handled intelligently and proactively for a positive outcome. It's the same whether you're handling salary negotiations, making plans with friends, or navigating sex and love matters. I could easily spit it out early on to keep you hooked good. "Spitting it out early" comes off an insincere and cheap. That approach would never hook an intelligent woman.
burningashes Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Oh, how sweet is that? I had the same dilemma- I felt like my bf was trying to get me to say it first by using "underground" comments. You can look up my thread, you'll probably find good advice by other posters there too. Give it a couple more months and just enjoy the suspense Don't look at it as a power play of who says it first. Who cares about who says it first? What's important is that there is meaning when whoever says it. I realized that I wanted my boyfriend to know that I love him so I told him first. It didn't matter to me anymore when he was going to say it or even if he felt that way. I just wanted him to know, quite simply, with no expectations of anything in return. I think people, regardless of sex, have to want to say it. Nothing, not fear, not even hell, would stop people from letting people they love them if it's their true desire to do so.
Author GiveAndTake Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 I went out the other night with a few friends (including his sister) and I drank too much and told his sister I was in love with her brother. This is his younger sister who lives with him. She tells everyone including him everything she hears about everything. She and I are very close. I told her not to say anything to him but I felt I she might. (I probably subconciously wanted him to know on some level) So, before she could tell him what I told her, I did. He was surprised and wanted to talk about it. He asked "how do you know you love me?" he asked "why do you love me?" He went on and on for about an hour about this. He was very sweet but guess what.... no "I love you" from him. He did say he likes me alot (UH) and that he has been burned in the past loving someone before he "really" knew her. He has also been sweeter than ever since that night. I, on the other hand, have been sick about it. I feel like my heart is exposed. I'm also a little upset with him (he doesn't know that). Reason being, I KNOW, he feels like I do. What I'm not sure of is, does he not think this feeling is love or is he just purposely withholding the words? Also, consider this. I set up my sister and his friend on a blind date after I started dating my boyfriend. They were slow going at first but suddenly it seems they really like each other. My boyfriend and I talked about this the other day. I was saying how surprised I was that it seems my sister really likes his friend. (my sister was unlikely to really like anyone because of her situation which is a whole other story) Anyway, when I said this to him about how surprised I was, he said, "I'm not surprised, I could tell they are in love". IN LOVE??? He feels they are in love??? I don't think they are in love and he and I are WAY FURTHER ALONG THAN THESE TWO. It's obvious to everyone. So why would he say that if being in love is not what he is feeling with me? Does that make sense? Also, what do I do now?
carhill Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Personally, reading your story and the progression, I'd leave it be for now. Watch for his actions to show his love for you and set a timeline in your mind for how you want this to progress. FWIW, and not to dampen your spirits, one of my female friends has been with a guy for nearly nine years (living with him for two) and still has yet to hear ILY. She said it first early on (not months, but perhaps in the first couple years, because she was waiting for him) but nothing, or so she has said. It's not so much the lack of those words that bugs her, it's the lack of continuity. When words are absent, actions can take on different meanings. Doubt permeates. Anyway, IMO, the other part of this equation is your attraction style. You may not like that he's being circumspect about his feelings, but your attraction is still strong. He's a bit of a mystery and somewhat confusing. This is a real good example of how to identify and balance healthy relationship dynamics with attraction. Like craving sugar which makes you fat, even though you hate being fat, you still are attracted to the sugar. Keep an eye on that part too. Be realistic about your own psychology here. You can't control him, merely your own actions and reactions. Best wishes!
Bayern Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Maybe he's playing your game. Now because of alcohol he seems to be winning... As long as he's acting sweet I guess "exposed" seems to be the worst of it.
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