weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Gosh. Where do I start? I'm sitting in bed crying, in a city where I have no friends, living in a flat co-owned between myself and my 'boyfriend'. An hour ago I checked his mobile (sneakily early) to find a text from 'Kim' saying 'Can't text chat now x', sent at 10pm. Never heard of her before. Needless to say OH looked terrified when I said I'd read the text, then proceeded to scream, rant and rave about how I don't trust him. My OH started a new job several months ago - for the last month he has been having two baths a day, holding onto his mobile for dear life (even taking it to the toilet), going out to the shop several doors up and taking 25 minutes (with his phone), going out every Friday and Saturday night for the last month (for seven years I have tried getting him to go out and socialise). Some past history - together seven years, for first year we were together he was seeing his just ex-girlfriend behind my back and wouldn't let me tell people we were together or meet any of his friends. Four years ago we moved to a large city together (his ex moved a year later). Three years ago I caught him out emailing his ex to meet at a party without telling me. Two years ago I caught him out emailing this girl I don't know, being very flirtatious with him trying to instigate meeting up and her backing off (his reasoning was that she was a friend and apparently lesbian - ha). We have not slept together for four years because I do not trust him. I think he is a compulsive liar e.g. he used my laptop the other day and I asked him if he did, he said no. I said I checked the history and he looked all bemused before finally admitting he did. So sorry for this long post - I have no friends and am on my own ill at the moment off work. We have been arguing and talking about splitting up recently (see previous posts). I'm rather unhappy and really truly cannot see which way to go - least of all because of the financial commitments I have here. Finally, for all you people who are miserable yourselves - go on this website http://icanhascheezburger.com/ - it never fails to cheer me up xxx
justpassingthrough Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Woah! Here's my advice. Step back and read what you wrote, but read it like it wasn't you who wrote it. Then tell us what you think. Yikes.
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Woah! Here's my advice. Step back and read what you wrote, but read it like it wasn't you who wrote it. Then tell us what you think. Yikes. I really haven't calmed down enough to do that yet - I'm just in shock. I'm not an angel by the way, during the arguments over the last few weeks I have said some horrible things to him and he never says anything nasty back to me. I retaliated to his going out every Friday and Saturday and ignoring all my texts and calls by telling him I only went out with him for a bet when we first met. Childish I know, but I was so upset that he wouldn't even speak to me and left me three days in a row. I apologised for this, and last night told him how much I regret what I said to him and that I wanted us to go away for a long weekend together somewhere wonderful. I really need some advice here as I don't want to mess up my life. I feel he is quite manipulative when he wants to be (my dad has even said the same thing once) and quite selfish. From my boyfriend's point of view, he thinks I nag him too much to keep the house clean and that I criticise him too much. He also doesn't understand why I haven't wanted to sleep with him. I'm so scared of what's going to happen xxx
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I think you already know the answer. He's cheated many times before and you're already seeing the same behavior pattern. Obviously the lack of sex has become a permanent part of your relationship, and I'm sure that makes it fulfilling for neither of you. Honestly it sounds like your relationship is already over. Why are you hanging onto a corpse?
mark982 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 he met you while he was cheating,and contunues to cheat to this day. and you haven't even slept together in 4 yrs. WHY are you ruining your life by staying w/ him! everyone has money woes,so i guess it boils down to,just how much more disrespect are you going to put up with.
rescuemarriage Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 why are you still together? from the things you wrote it doesn't sound like there is one healthy thing that holds up your relationship. whats keeping you together? is it technichal? if it is , go and make your self happy you deserve to be happy and so does he. don't waist your time get a life with someone else.
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 We have not slept together for four years because I do not trust him. No sex = no relationship. While I can't know the details of what's going on in his head, I can tell you that being continually turned down for sex while in a relationship is about as damaging to a man as anything. It's not just being rejected for sex, it's a complete and total rejection of him as a man. There are fewer things more hurtful. Now, why he continues to stay with you and yet cheat on the side is something else entirely, something that I don't understand at all. Neither of you are happy. It's time to wish him well and move on.
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 he met you while he was cheating,and contunues to cheat to this day. and you haven't even slept together in 4 yrs. WHY are you ruining your life by staying w/ him! everyone has money woes,so i guess it boils down to,just how much more disrespect are you going to put up with. Because I feel like nobody else will love me. He says I'm unhinged (I do admit to screaming and shouting, but only when I feel I have truly been pushed too far), and he says that I have dragged him down by going on about the money he took from me, and going on about the times he has texted/emailed other girls (which he always has an answer for). I'm living in a city where I have no friends to chat to or visit, I'm stuck in the house 24/7 at present and I can't see clearly so I'm just asking for some help and advice, and to see what people think who aren't involved xx
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 I think the reason we're still together is that we have feelings for each other. The reason I don't sleep with him is I can no longer bear too - but what is going to change this? I believe I'm scared of getting too close after the money stealing/going behind myback and contacting his ex and other girls. I feel like this is my fault and I need to fix it (maybe if I read this back at a later date I'm going to think I'm crazy). I did give him a hard time over all those things, and I can be a little overbearing and critical. We have fun together when we go out, and otherwise he is very caring and will look after me, cook for me etc. He organised a surprise birthday for me last year, and does things like that that nobody else has ever done - that is why I'm confused.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Because I feel like nobody else will love me. He says I'm unhinged (I do admit to screaming and shouting, but only when I feel I have truly been pushed too far), and he says that I have dragged him down by going on about the money he took from me, and going on about the times he has texted/emailed other girls (which he always has an answer for). I'm living in a city where I have no friends to chat to or visit, I'm stuck in the house 24/7 at present and I can't see clearly so I'm just asking for some help and advice, and to see what people think who aren't involved xx OMG, this man is emotionally abusing you. Do NOT EVER let a man make you question your sanity. It's called gaslighting, and sweetie, he has you on fire. Why are you stuck in the house?
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I did give him a hard time over all those things, and I can be a little overbearing and critical. You should have given him a hard time, he cheats AND STEALS. And then he twists it around to make it your fault. You can't fix him and he is not worth trying! You have every reason not to trust this guy. Just because he did one or two nice things for you periodically does not a relationship make. He's min-fu*ked you into thinking you are nothing without him. Get out while you still have a shred of sanity and self-esteem!!!!
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Well the stuck in the house part is a slipped disc - I am currently seeing a lot of sofa action. This is so hard - I don't understand why he is doing this to me. I feel like part of it is I have not shown him enough respect in the last couple of years. It's even more difficult to walk away because we both own this flat and due to the current climate cannot afford to sell or even rent.
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 By the way, I was wondering how you make somebody respect you. Heobviously doesn't respect me, but if you're living together and have no friends to go out with, apart from wandering around by yourself and calling him out when he's wrong, how else can you demand respect?
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 By the way, I was wondering how you make somebody respect you. Heobviously doesn't respect me, but if you're living together and have no friends to go out with, apart from wandering around by yourself and calling him out when he's wrong, how else can you demand respect? Respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned. I get the sense, weeble, that you don't have a lot of respect for yourself at the moment. That's not a criticism or a judgement, it's just an observation. It's probably made worse because of your back injury. (Hope that heals well, by the way. Damn, that can be painful, I can relate.) If you had to measure your self-respect on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being the best - where would you put it?
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Well the stuck in the house part is a slipped disc - I am currently seeing a lot of sofa action. This is so hard - I don't understand why he is doing this to me. I feel like part of it is I have not shown him enough respect in the last couple of years. It's even more difficult to walk away because we both own this flat and due to the current climate cannot afford to sell or even rent. Bull. His behavior is his behavior and not something you can control. Do NOT take responsibility for his bad behavior.
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned. I get the sense, weeble, that you don't have a lot of respect for yourself at the moment. That's not a criticism or a judgement, it's just an observation. It's probably made worse because of your back injury. (Hope that heals well, by the way. Damn, that can be painful, I can relate.) If you had to measure your self-respect on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being the best - where would you put it? I suppose maybe 5 - I don't really think much of myself for doing all this crying and calling him when he's ignoring me. I feel like I lost myself somewhere...
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I suppose maybe 5 - I don't really think much of myself for doing all this crying and calling him when he's ignoring me. I feel like I lost myself somewhere... Now we're getting somewhere. Imagine this if you can: If your self-respect was at, say, an 8 or 9, what would you do differently in relationship to this fellow? Take some time to ponder.
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Now we're getting somewhere. Imagine this if you can: If your self-respect was at, say, an 8 or 9, what would you do differently in relationship to this fellow? Take some time to ponder. If I was back at home with my friends I would take myself out and enjoy myself, and tell him that I'm not putting up with that behaviour, and I would leave him to think about things and then see what he had to say for himself. I would also chat to my friends, and probably think more seriously about splitting up but maybe I feel like I can't do that here as I have no support network. I do use him more as an outlet for my frustration at being stuck in this flat and city, but not in an awful way. BTW, thanks for the sympathy re the back - it is too frustrating!!!
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 I'm sitting at home waiting for him to come home and explain to me. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 If I was back at home with my friends I would take myself out and enjoy myself, and tell him that I'm not putting up with that behaviour, and I would leave him to think about things and then see what he had to say for himself. I would also chat to my friends, and probably think more seriously about splitting up but maybe I feel like I can't do that here as I have no support network. Is there a reason you can't go home and then worry about selling the flat later? (Not like he can sell it out from under you since your name is on it).
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Is there a reason you can't go home and then worry about selling the flat later? (Not like he can sell it out from under you since your name is on it). Hi MistyK - well my parents live the opposite side of the country and I can't travel with my back at the mo. Also I can't just leave my job, and my parents wouldn't let me stay long because they have a busy life running a business.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hi MistyK - well my parents live the opposite side of the country and I can't travel with my back at the mo. Also I can't just leave my job, and my parents wouldn't let me stay long because they have a busy life running a business. Yeah, feeling trapped sucks. How long are you going to be laid up? I can't imagine being stuck there, it must be awful for you. You might be surprised at how much your parents and friends are willing to help you and you CAN get another job. This just isn't worth your sanity! (I know no one likes to feel like an imposition on others, but we all need help sometimes, so please don't make this an excuse to stay with this guy.)
Author weeble78 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Yeah, feeling trapped sucks. How long are you going to be laid up? I can't imagine being stuck there, it must be awful for you. You might be surprised at how much your parents and friends are willing to help you and you CAN get another job. This just isn't worth your sanity! (I know no one likes to feel like an imposition on others, but we all need help sometimes, so please don't make this an excuse to stay with this guy.) Well hopefully just another week or two - fingers crossed - it doesn't help being stuck here and I'm sure he's gloating knowing he can go out and I can't. Maybe I will speak to my parents and see what they advise - whatever the outcome though, I have to stay in the flat at the end of the day - that's the part that sucks. I have checked renting it out etc, but financially it just isn't possible. Having responsibility sucks sometimes, but then I count myself lucky I never married him or had his kids. He's already half an hour late and I can't get hold of him - my heart is going like the clappers and I am so worried he's going to stay out late again. He said she'd be there tonight - gave a crap excuse about being late as he had to call his Mum straight after work. I can'tbelieve how much like a paranoid girlfriend I sound.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Oh no, you aren't paranoid. Paranoid is fear without basis. You have good reasons. He's gaslighting you to make you think you're overly sensitive, paranoid, etc. It's such a crime to make you doubt yourself. About the flat, I meant- can't he stay in it afyter you leave or vice versa and pay for it by himself if you two don't want to sell it until a later time? (Theoretcially making you free to leave for elsewhere?)
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